Their Hearts Rust Every Evening
It's the usual wind-down, after some of their more life-threatening situations.
He's not unused to participating in large group activities; the Legion has their good share. He's also not opposed to joining in the festivities, even if he is not at the centre of whatever is happening, he enjoys the feel of family. It's a lot more than he could say he got when he lived back in Colu.
He is not, however, currently with the Legion. Or even in the 31st century. Instead, he is at J'onn J'onzz's office. He is with a different group of people that he supposes he should consider his new family.
Querl does, of course, care for them deeply. He admires them, for being so resolute in their fight for justice, even in this xenophobic era.
Knowing some of their histories, when he first arrived, he thinks that he is safe here. He also knows that he doesn't have to worry about any of his companions passing during his stay. He doesn't know the exact dates of how long they each survive but there are no records of an early death for any of them.
There's a sudden sharp throbbing in his head. It disappears as swiftly as it arrived.
An early death…
Admittedly, he's not entirely sure what he 'remembered' during his alignment. He recalls fragments of the period but some of it appears to be a bit of a haze for him. It's disconcerting; his memory is not perfect – nothing is perfect – but it is impeccably accurate. His body's reaction to the thought of early death is a reason for concern.
Querl lays his cards down, earning him another win and a collective groan from the other people in the room. One of his other thought-tracks is doing an excellent job of masking his wandering thoughts. It's also been winning him this game using a card-counting method, which seems to be amusing his friends. He's assigned that thought-track to operate more often now. It seems to be an effective way of 'fitting in' with the people of the 21st century.
Too effective, he thinks. It was definitely that thought-track that led him to be persuaded to pursue a plan that most obviously would lead to his and Dreamer's capture.
The - and there was no other word for it - torture by the Children of Liberty certainly did well in uprooting all his tracks, making way for ones that were not meant to be accessed. The ancestral memories are locked away for a good reason.
He now thinks that perhaps those are not the only memories he locked away. If he had knowledge of an early death of one of the people he would be coming in regular contact with, he may have purposefully made sure that he did not remember. He searches through his mind but he can't find a trace of where he might have filed that piece of information away. Even if he recalled it during the alignment, he must have immediately sent it back, once he finished pulling his tracks back together.
He still has not finished assessing the full repercussions of the alignment, though one of his background thought-tracks is currently still probing around his mind for any side-effects.
His eyes drift towards Lena Luthor, who seems distracted tonight, herself. Though, she is not quite as apt at hiding it.
Little boxes.
She is definitely not aware that he already has a system for organising all his thoughts. He's accommodated to the 'boxing' method, though, finding that perhaps it might be a more 21st century way of dealing with things. His more active-thought track, again, has taken this method into full stride. Even if it is a bit forced.
Not as forced as this whole 'game night', though. A Legionnaire that was not keen to get involved would usually keep to themselves, as he did sometimes but Lena doesn't seem to want to be here at all. He wonders why she is present then, as no one is forcing her to be. Kara and Alex break away to pour more glasses of wine and he believes they also notice that Lena is not completely herself, either.
According to his simulations, there's a very high chance that Lex Luthor is still alive, despite what Kara may have seen. The suit exploded but there is no body to be found, not even a few remains. Lex Luthor is still remembered as a formidable villain in from the age of heroes, so Querl doubts that he is one to not take at least that precaution. The average level of technology might be painfully primitive to Querl but he is confident that Lex is ahead of the curve.
Perhaps it isn't something that he should be mentioning now, however, not in front of Lena and Kelly.
So, he waits.
He waits until Lena announces her early departure, claiming that she has a very busy day ahead of her tomorrow. While he doesn't doubt it, he doesn't think it's her primary reason for leaving. Kelly is about to leave with her brother but Querl quietly tells James to stay for a while longer. After convincing Kelly to return home and goodbyes are said, those remaining take their seats again.
They've all had some wine to drink but he thinks that no one is too intoxicated for discussing the pressing matter at hand.
"Have you all seen Thor: Ragnarok?" Grife. He still has the other thought-track as the primary speaker, so that's what he leads with.
Everyone is confused but they answer anyway: a nod from the Danvers sisters and James, J'onn has not and Nia says a loud 'of course' from his side.
"Spoilers if you haven't seen it but as Loki did," he says, slowly trying to switch back to his preferred main thought-track, "I believe that there is a possibility that Lex Luthor might not have perished in the last fight we had." He is displeased with himself for the increasing need he has had for referencing something in order to get his points across.
A murmur goes around the room. While James, understandably, tenses up, he sees a brief flash of relief on Kara's face. While they were undeniably enemies, she didn't intend to let him die, after all.
"What makes you say that?" The question comes from Alex and her tone has dipped back into the one she uses back in the DEO.
He explains his suspicion that Lex would have contingencies for a case like this. "From the simulations I have conducted from known behaviours, he is very likely to prioritise his self-preservation."
No one argues with him on that point.
"Is there any way that we can confirm this either way?" Kara asks, just as serious. "It's better to be safe than sorry."
"Agreed. If one is to presume Lex is using the same systems as on Shelly Island, I could attempt to track him down if he is to access any files." That's one suggestion, though he begins thinking of a hundred different methods for this query.
The servers could be accessed remotely by me, so if I were to…
"Maybe Lena might be able to help," James says.
…And then by accessing the satellite at these coordinates…
Kara shakes her head. "It took us a while to track him down even when she was working with me. She's shared all her information on the investigation with Supergirl, so I don't think there are any places left where Lena would know where Lex went."
…Alternatively, the energy signal from Lex's suit may actually…
"And I was telling Kara earlier, but I think Lena's been through a lot so…"
"…On top of which, the off-putting behaviour by Lena Luthor this evening…"
"Off-putting?"
Oh. He realises that he says that out loud.
"Yes. She did not seem entirely like herself tonight," Querl elaborated. "It was off-putting."
Kara and Alex exchange a look. Confusion, perhaps.
"Did you not sense anything amiss?" he asks.
"Well, yes," says Kara. "Just a little surprised that you noticed. Though, I would probably describe it more as worrying."
"Why is that surprising? Is it not natural to notice when a friend is behaving strangely?" He can feel the eyes on him and the hesitation for people to speak up.
Nia, however, gives a short laugh. "It is but I guess I wouldn't put you down as the observant type."
He bites back a response that of course, he's observant.
She hurries on, saying, "Emotionally, I mean." He is sure that is meant to signal that her comment is not an insult, yet he still feels the sting all the same.
"I believe that I am completely capable of reading emotions." He sometimes may forget or even purposefully ignore what he is meant to say or do in certain situations but he certainly can read people.
"Could've fooled me," she mutters softly, though he catches it. It's spoken in the same tone as the response she gave him when he asked her to predict the outcome for his actions regarding the alien registry. That, he believes, is meant to sting.
"Brainy, I think what she means is that you aren't…as sensitive to truly realise how people feel," J'onn maintained. "I know that it was part of your plan to stop the Children of Liberty but I admit that I was not happy that you would leave Nia and I captured."
"He left you guys there?" James asks, sounding like he hasn't heard this yet.
"Yep, could've rescued us but didn't," Nia says. There's a bit of edge in her tone.
"I did think leaving them behind was a bit much," Alex adds.
This part is cornered off to Legion missions, so the early death would not be filed here…hm?
The alignment has not seemed to have affected my simulation abilities, perhaps another test on…hm?
Lex would surely not return to his old home and thus…hm?
His thought-tracks are reined back in, as the conversation really sinks in.
"…Correct me if I'm wrong. And I'm rarely wrong but surely…you all realised that I was not entirely myself at that moment and would never have left Nia and J'onn in any normal circumstance…right?"
The lack of an immediate response makes his stomach drop.
"Apparently not."
This time confused looks are exchanged all around the room and it does not make Querl feel any better.
Nia, who is still perched on the arm of the chair he's sitting on, seems to shrink back slightly.
"I suppose I should summarise then." He can taste the steel in his own voice. "I was captured by the Children of Liberty at the same time as Dreamer was. They proceeded to then strap me into a chair and electrocute me. It wasn't pleasant, I might add. I believe I was then hit on the head. After that, my thought-tracks were in disarray and I am not entirely sure what happened during that time but I believed that they triggered my ancestral memories to come into play- I was 'aligned'. This means my emotions were completely discarded." As he says this, more of what happens during the alignment resurfaces back into his memory.
"They…tortured you?" Kara's voice shakes, her eyes wide in horror.
"Brainy…I didn't know," is Nia's harsh whisper.
"I can ascertain as much."
He knows that he has not yet talked about the alignment until now. He knows no one has asked him about the situation but he chalked that up to his friends not wanting to rub salt into his fresh wounds, so to speak. Turns out, they haven't even seen that he was even so much as scratched.
There's a tentative hand back on his shoulder. He shrugs it off and Nia doesn't try to console him again.
"Brainy," Alex tries. "We did notice that there was something a bit off with you but we were all so stressed about the situation. I guess we thought you were just trying everything you could think of."
"I have been stressed many times in this era, Alex," he says, sharply. "I would hope that you all would know that even under stress I would never abandon my team-mates." He doesn't think he's raised his voice before like this with Alex but at this moment he frankly doesn't care.
Do they think that he doesn't have a heart? Or if he does, that it's made of metal? Like a robot. It's not something they've verbalised by them, but they might think it by way they underestimate his emotional capabilities. And to think that he's been outcasted before for being too emotional.
He then remembers something and looks directly at Nia. She is already looking at him and his eyes burn into hers. "You tried to blast me." It's less of an accusation than a fact. She seems to know it, too, as she looks away.
James wasn't there for the most part but he does have the decency to look guilty, anyway.
J'onn has a more hardened look about him. Querl recalls he did ask if there was something wrong initially, though dropped the matter entirely afterwards.
Kara, Alex and Lena saw him right after. He brought the files on Lex Luthor back without so much as a thank you. He doesn't care about thanks, anyway but he does recall that they conversed without a single one of them raising their concerns about his behaviour.
Alex purses her lips, probably recounting that conversation.
Kara seems to be doing the same, eyes sad.
He takes a breath before standing up.
"I will be taking my leave," he announces, abruptly. He can't stand to be in this suffocating room any longer.
No one tries to stop him from leaving.
He doesn't know if he prefers if they did.
When he first arrived in the 21st century, he surveyed the surrounding areas of National City, trying to take in as much information as he could in order to ensure their mission to defeat Pestilence went smoothly.
Here, on the outskirts of the city, is a dense forest and one not frequently travelled upon by hikers or tourists. This is where he finds himself the evening after game-night, after spending most of the day in his room, re-processing what happened. He identifies his feelings as a touch of anger but there is much more disappointment in that mix. It's only logical to feel that way. Anyone would.
A passer-by would assume that he is standing in the middle of an open space staring at nothing. Yet, it's not 'nothing'. He pushes down on his Legion ring and the air in front of him starts to shimmer, as a spherical object begins to become visible.
"So, this is where you always disappear to."
He doesn't quite jump but he does find Kara's arrival unexpected.
The leaves crunch below her feet as she lands.
"I am surprised that you noticed." There isn't much bite to his words but Kara seems to realise he is echoing her own from yesterday by the way she keeps a bit of distance.
"I'm pretty much the only one who flies around National City in the evening, so I do sometimes see you leave. This is the first time I've followed you, though. I swear." Kara gestures towards the now fully visible structure. "So, what's that thing?"
"It's a time bubble. As the name suggests, it's used for time travel." He nods towards it, signalling that it is alright for Kara to approach.
She comes closer slowly touching the clear surface of the time bubble. "How come you didn't use this to get here before?"
"If you recall, there were many more Legionnaires on the cruiser that we needed to keep in pods to stop the spread of the blight. We needed the cruiser, so I needed to find an alternate route to come to this time. Besides, it would have been a tight squeeze for all of us in here."
A laugh comes through and Querl feels a bit of the tension in his shoulders release.
Once her laughter is subdued, she speaks in a softer voice, "You think about going back a lot, don't you?"
"All the time," he replies, almost too quickly. "Especially on the quieter nights. That's when I come here." He, too, reaches for the time bubble. "I could just return home if I really wanted to."
"I get that." She doesn't have to say it but Querl knows she's thinking of Argo.
"What's stopping you from going back?"
From her widened eyes, she's not expecting that question. "I – I can't. Earth is my home now. I have family and friends here. I've got a whole other life here and a duty to protect it. As a citizen of Earth."
"Earth is indeed lucky to have you," says Querl, not missing her wording. "However…"
Just as she's seen him leave National City to come here, though, he knows that at those times she is not in the sky to patrol. She's surely there, to be closer, closer to Argo. He's seen her fly up above the clouds but not quite leaving the atmosphere. They're both bound by circumstances and yet they keep quiet about the longing for home.
Perhaps his heart is made of metal after all. Exposed to the hardships of another time. Kara's might be the same way; he hasn't investigated what a Kryptonian's heart might be like but he believes hers, at least, is more similar to his than to humans.
Their hearts rust every evening, as they bury those feelings during the daytime.
"…However, I think you deserve to spend time in Argo too. If that is what you want. You can always return to Earth again eventually."
"That sounds more like what you want," she deflects. "To spend some time back home before coming back here."
"I won't deny that."
Of course, that's what he wants. He knows he can't go home permanently; Brainiac is still at large and AIs are still at risk. He already told the Legion he will not return until they come back for him when it's safe. Yet, increasingly, his stay in this time is…exhausting him. The fact that he can't use his full potential here is one thing but to do so among people who either limit him or don't take his thoughts into account. He may as well be back on Colu.
No, he regards Kara's gaze, that's a bit unfair. It's not as bad as Colu.
It's not as good as the Legion, either.
"You really were going to go home this time, weren't you? Would you already be gone if I hadn't arrived?"
Ah.
"I considered it," he answers, truthfully. "I strongly considered it."
"You'd risk your life by going home."
"I would. I think I might prefer to risk my life among friends who would do the same for me." Now, those are cutting words. He only regrets them a fractional amount, as he sees Kara deflate.
"I think I speak on behalf on all of us when I say that we're sorry that we didn't realise what was happening," Kara tries. "We should have Brainy."
Yes, you all should have. He doesn't say it aloud, not when there's a genuine apology trying to be made. "I believe that my actions should have been recognised as inconsistent with my previous behaviour," he says, instead.
"You're right."
As always.
He has been helping this team, even when perhaps he should be doing the bare minimum to ensure that he does nothing to endanger the timeline. Yet, he made calculations to ensure that whatever help he does provide doesn't have any lasting impact. Or…at least he used to. There are at least one of his thought-tracks that has been too accommodated to this time, too willing to ignore the ramifications of his actions. Another reason to go home and recalibrate his thoughts and to serve as a reminder that his stay here is only temporary.
"You know," she starts, again, "I won't stop you from leaving."
He pushes the button of his Legion ring and the sphere camouflages itself again.
"I'm not leaving tonight." He turns away. "Let's head back to National City."
Querl takes off first. Kara is flying by his side the next instant.
The trip back is silent.
He may not have left that night, but he does the following week.
After all, he does keep to his responsibilities and so continued in his search into what may have happened to Lex. His findings are unpleasant, and he knows that it is probably something that he should deliver the news about in person. There are undoubtedly a lot more things that will be asked of him if he did, though, so he leaves a report instead. Alex will find it when she comes into the office the next day.
He leaves a note for the rest of them as well, apologising for his abrupt absence. Perhaps they will be relieved that they don't have to tiptoe around him anymore.
There's no note left for Kara, however. He believes her when she says she understands. She'll know where he has gone.
The ride back on the time bubble is comparatively smooth this time, though the landing back in his lab is a bit shaky.
There's that distinct pain in his head again and he can already feel his thought-tracks start to cross each other. He tries to ignore it.
He gave permission for his lab to be used, yet there is still a bit of unease when he stumbles out of the bubble to find that it is not precisely as he has left it. It's also not empty.
There are three people occupying the space and all seem to have fallen asleep there. Gates seems to be the first to awaken and declares a loud 'grife! It's Brainy!' before scurrying towards Winn and Lyle before tapping them with his pincers.
"I'm awake," Winn groans. "What's happening?"
Lyle on the other hand is already looking at him. He blinks twice before burying his face back into the arms crossed on the lab desk with a, "urgh, another dream."
Gates pinches Lyle this time. "No, he's actually back!"
"What?" Lyle's head springs back up and he looks at Querl again. "Oh. Oh!"
He scrambles to get up and runs to Querl. Gates beats him to it, though, circling Brainy in glee. "Welcome back! I tried to keep the ancient humanoid from making a mess of the lab but as you can see there's still a bit of work to do."
"C'mon Gates, just call me 'Winn' already. It's not that hard 'Winn', say it with me," he pipes up from his seat, still rubbing his eyes.
Lyle finds a space through Gates' movement and manages to get in a hug. "Wow, am I glad to see you."
As am I. How have you been? How is the Legion faring without me? How far along are you in the fight with Brainiac? His thought-tracks are running wild but to his dismay, his first words on his return are 'hey, how you doin'?' in a ridiculous voice. He's also sure there is a dismal kind of grin on his face.
Drawing back, Lyle's expression grows confused and he looks at Gates who has now stopped his circling.
Querl clears his throat and once again tries to steer control over to his main thought-track. "Sorry. That tends to happen occasionally."
They don't look like they're satisfied with that.
"But hey what are you doing here, Brainy?" Winn cuts in, getting up from his chair and joining them. "We haven't finished finding constructing the cure for the AI plague. You'll be alright in here but on the outside…"
"He's right," Lyle agrees. "It's not safe here. More importantly," he tilts his head to the side, "you must have come back for a reason. What's wrong, Brainy?"
"No…there's nothing wrong, per se."
Gate's huge green eyes peer at Querl. "You're speaking strangely," he says, bluntly. "There must be something wrong. Not to say I am not glad that you've come back but I doubt you would have left it wasn't important."
"There were a few unfortunate things that happened, yes. But I suppose I just…missed the Legion." He can hear his voice crack. Are his eyes tearing up?
Lyle and Gates are looking at him like they don't recognise him. Gates's expression is completely perplexed, while Lyle's is a bit more heated.
"Sprock, what happened?" Lyle is seething. He looks about ready to jump into the time bubble itself when Winn puts a hand on his shoulder.
"I'm sure Brainy can tell us what happened later," says Winn, trying to calm him. "He looks like he could use some sleep first."
Sleep. When was the last time he did that? He can't quite remember.
He does feel a bit dizzy now.
Querl staggers forward and Lyle and Winn catch him. They place both of his arms on each of their shoulders and guide him out of the lab. Gates keeps pace beside them, the tapping of his many legs a reassuring, familiar sound to Querl's ears.
His eyes start drooping and their words start to fade out.
Yet, he's certain that they're still talking about him, concerned for him.
He feels the rust start to fall apart as he spends the first night in a long time without longing.
A/N: Tadaa! This is for week 3 of the Twelve Shots of Summer challenge here on . The prompt being Change(). I'm more satisfied with how I tackled the prompt this time, as it's a lot more straightforward.
So, this...uh...clearly became very long. At least, by my usual TSoS standards for my one-shots. I blame my ever-lasting love for Querl and how I wish he was treated better in this fourth season. Hopefully, thought-tracks might serve as a possible explanation on why his writing is so different episode to episode...(though really, it's just inconsistent writing). Anyway, as you can probably tell the title must be, ahem, slightly forced. It seemed like a good idea for One and Two but the titles are definitely going to get messier for some of them. Oh well.
Anyway, this is probably very confusing without context. I hope people enjoyed the other T-Saucers enjoy it anyway. And of course if you actually watch the show, hope you enjoy this too!
- Dina 23/06/2019