Selfless
A/N: Yeah, I figured I should post something… the first half was actually written awhile ago now, finished recently and posted. Hope you enjoy!
Disclaimer: Claymore is the property of Norihiro Yagi. This was written purely for non-profitable fun times.
Jean was the epitome of selflessness, and that was the core reason behind Clare falling in love with her – the reason why Clare also hated her.
Clare is selfish; her comrades may perceive her as caring – albeit cold-hearted – but she is inherently selfish. That was why she loved Jean; every time her selfishness won out and pushed her to the other warrior, late at night or while they relaxed under the spray of a waterfall, Jean never pushed her away.
She stood at the edge of the bed upon which Jean sat, eyes closed, with her back against the wall, the moonlight illuminating the intangible expanse between them. With a shuddering breath, she turned to leave, when a hand reached out to gently grasp her wrist. The loving smile remained on Jean's face even after they collapsed into each other's arms, sweating and breathing laboriously.
Where Clare always wanted more, Jean was always willing to give.
She knew Jean would say yes, but she still waited anyway, as if it would make it any less selfish.
The hate didn't manifest until she was well on the path to damnation, selfishly dragging Jean with her and the single-digit warrior complying selflessly.
There was an awkward mutuality at first: Clare had saved her life, and Jean desired to repay her. It had soon evolved into a comfortable companionship, which led to friendship and eventually a fiery relationship that she selfishly thought of as, dare she admit it, love.
"I love you."
But Clare never said it. It was always Jean who said it, selflessly vocalising what Clare selfishly wanted – needed – to hear. And every time Jean whispered those words and received silence in return, every time Clare remained outwardly stoic as her partner tried to mask her confusion and hurt, the hate grew just that little bit more.
She'd hated herself first; despised herself for being so selfish and causing Jean – poor, sweet loving Jean – pain and torment. Then she began to hate Jean for being so selfless, for not pushing Clare for answers, for staying with Clare and her selfish nature and selflessly suffering through the pain Clare caused her.
She tried to leave several times throughout their journey, during the dead of night. Half the time, Jean caught up with her the next day, no questions asked. The other half, Clare's selfishness won out and she returned to Jean's side.
Their relationship, with the lines between comrades and friends and lovers fast becoming indiscernible, was imperfect, just like any other – but it was also perfectly balanced: Clare on the one side, never giving, always taking; and Jean, compassionate and as generous with her love, freely giving in spite of the lack of reciprocation.
There was a sudden moment of numb awareness as the monster struck out, of thinking "not again" and cursing Jean for her selflessness. She could feel the blades of the beast cut through flesh, chipping bone and ripping through metal armour, and the sensations simultaneously evoked a feeling of disgust, reverence, horror and delight.
"Jean…"
Stupid, foolish, selfless Jean, giving Clare more and more even as she had nothing but her life left to give – how could she still hold any love for Clare? Had she not suffered enough?
"Jean…"
And yet Jean had pulled herself closer to Clare, showing no sign of pain or fear, her beatific smile in direct contrast to the veins that began to pulse with youki underneath the skin, and yet again – but for the very last time – given Clare what she needed, and in doing so, taken from Clare what she had so selfishly wanted all along.
She reached out and brushed her frigid fingers across the symbol engraved on the icy-cold blade. "Stupid, selfless fool," she whispered, the words caught up by the howling blizzard and lost to the unforgiving northern lands. Frozen tears glittered on her lashes.
"I love you."