AUTHOR'S NOTE: Take this story with good faith and humor. Charity to all and malice to none and all that.
DISCLAIMER: Neither Mentalist nor Tvtropes is mine. This story, all of it, is.
It takes place in my tvtropes universe, a week after Red Faced Fanfic Writers.
Remember to REVIEW! Thanks!
SACRAMENTO
Jane was typing again.
Sigh. Lisbon sat beside him. Who are you and what have you done to Patrick Jane, she didn't say. Or perhaps more exactly: what has Tvtropes done to you? Ever since he stumbled that website, he'd been weird. He had talked to nobody, written in-your-face fanfic, insisted nobody spoke beyond PG-14 rating. As if their lives would be over if so.
And his already was, she saw. His eyes were red, his hands shaky. No doubt results from tabbing and reading and editing pages very late every night. It's like rickrolling, but you're trapped all day.
"Jane."
"Oh, hi, Lisbon."
"What are you writing?"
"Fanfiction."
"Again."
"Yes."
"What's this one about?"
"The danger of Tom Swifty," Jane said dangerously. "It's the twin sister of Said Bookism."
"Tom Swifty," Lisbon said swiftly. "What's that?"
"It's when writers use adverbs in dialogue tags to death," Jane said deathly. "They overuse it."
"Overuse how? I'm confused," Lisbon said confusedly.
"It's simple, really," Jane said simply. "You know, when readers already know the characters' mood in the conversation, the writers shouldn't add adverbs to the dialogue tags."
"Because it's unnecessary," Lisbon said unnecessarily.
"You just say my point," Jane said pointedly.
"I'm curious for some examples," Lisbon said curiously.
"Time for those," Jane said timely. "See this? '"Go to hell, scumbag," he said angrily'. Now, do you think 'angrily' is necessary there?"
"Well, I don't think so," Lisbon said thoughtfully. "The original line is strong enough to convey anger to us. 'Angrily' is pointless—no, it's distracting. I've to spend extra time to read what I already know."
"Very nice," Jane said nicely. "What about this one. '"I don't need history of feminism from you," the woman said harshly'. Is 'harshly' useful here?"
"I believe not," Lisbon said believably. "I mean, you kinda know the woman doesn't take the offer kindly. 'Don't need [blank] from you' is something quite harsh to say. The dialogue is good to reveal the heat as it is."
"Exactly," Jane said exactly. "If the dialogue already tells you the emotion, then you can skip adverb right away. Saves time and effort for both you and the readers."
"I'm still doubtful though," Lisbon said doubtfully. "What if the dialogue doesn't tell?"
"I hesitant to say I understand," Jane said hesitantly. "Here, type it in laptop."
Lisbon did.
"Oh, you just make my life a whole lot better, Jane," Lisbon said sarcastically.
"The sarcasm is unknown in the dialogue, so I don't know how to repair it without Tom Swifty," Lisbon said unknowingly.
"The dialogue is kind of problem here," Jane said problematically. "But the conversation is what you ought to repair, not the dialogue tag. Here, let me correct it."
Jane did.
"You'll know the plan when I decide so, Lisbon."
"Oh, you just make my life a whole lot better, Jane."
"The improvement is evident, see?" Jane said evidently. "By adding 'sarcastically', you lose the idea of sarcasm itself—it's something your wit catches, not ears. Or, in readers' case, eyes."
"Very true," Lisbon said verily. "Meh, I guess you're right. Show, don't tell. It's like Said Bookism, where if I can't "say" it, then the dialogue is weak. Only this time dialogue is weak if you have to use adverbs to explain it."
"Eloquently said," Jane said eloquently.
"You say Said Bookism is Tom Swifty's twin? I imagine it'll be very grim writing if writers use them both," Lisbon said grimly.
"That makes me shiver," Jane said shiveringly. "Said Bookism-combo-Tom Swifty is the worst combination."
"I inquire for example," Lisbon asked inquiringly.
"Well, I'll give you the easiest example," Jane gave easily. "This I call redundancy. Get this. '"Get down!" he yelled loudly'. Now consider, is it good or bad?"
"I consider not," Lisbon considered notly. "For one, we can't yell if we're not loud. For two, if we're not loud we can't yell. And for three, I already know the man yells because of the exclamation mark there. So I need neither."
"So proud of you," Jane congratulated proudly. "Yes. If the mark is period, which is most of the time, then you can only use "said". That's it. No fancy verbs, no flashy adverbs."
"Is there another explanation?" Lisbon interrogated interrogatively.
"A second one, there is," Jane answered secondly. "This I call ridiculousness." He giggled ridiculously. "Read it. '"I'm coming," he ejaculated cockily'."
Lisbon laughed blushingly. "The fu—"
"Language," Jane reminded memorably.
"The hell is that?" Lisbon asked hellishly.
"It's atrocious, right?" Jane responded rightly."Said Bookism and Tom Swifty are like medicine. Use it sparingly and only in desperate times, that's fine. But don't get too addicted to it. The focus should be to make your conversation healthy without them."
"You really have to point them out boldly, do you?"
"Yes, I do."
"Why are you writing this again?"
"So fanfic writers can see what this is and then laugh with blush. Ooo, that's good title. "What's this," Fanfic Writers Laugh Blushingly."
"Meh. They'll probably just take this as a Take That rant. You're just showing off your skill to other fanfic writers, make them feel inferior because you just prove how ridiculously bad these styles are."
"Well, if they feel that, then they must have missed AUTHOR'S NOTE above. Otherwise, it's going to end with FIN and REMEMBER TO REVIEW."
FIN.
REMEMBER TO REVIEW.