The Obligatory Valentine's Day One-Shot

By Connor Stoll and Drew Li

They agreed to do nothing on Valentine's Day. Clarisse was against flowers, hearts, romance, stuffed animals, the color pink, ribbons, love, commercialization, and, by association, Catholic saints.

And Chris was straight-up whipped.

No! He's in love!

Dude, we both agreed that I would write the intro, and you would take over at the Pegasi stables!

Well, if you told the story correctly, I wouldn't have to!

Whatever. So, they agreed to do nothing.

But they did anyway! Isn't that so cute?

…And you ruined the entire punchline of the Pegasus part. Good job.

It's not ruined! Of course they did stuff! It's VALENTINE'S DAY!

So? I got my girlfriend an Edward Cullen dartboard for Valentine's Day!

Why? Why would you ever do something so horrible to poor Edward? What did he ever do to you?

Twitard.

Am not! Bella's a whiny, self-centered little bi-

Drew. We are not allowed to swear. Remember? Chiron's punishments? Thalia's pine tree? Red Bull?

I thought you were kidding.

I wasn't.

Oh. And, for the record, I'm just an Edward-Jacob fangirl and his love is Bella's only redeeming quality.

Uh-oh. Off-topic.

Right. Then Travis and Katie-

Wrong story, Drew. Chris and Clarisse, remember? We're at the Pegasi stables.

This part is soooo cute! Ah! I love it!

Perhaps you should tell it.

Fine. Chris and Clarisse say goodbye outside of the stables, and then Clarisse leaves for Arts and Crafts. Then, Chris boards his Pegasus, Orlando, and-

You're taking too long. I'm cutting in.

No. You are not. This is the cutest part of the story!

Well, hurry up!

Chris boards his Pegasus, Orlando, and flies all over camp with the other Hermes campers.

Incidentally, my Pegasus, Olivia, was not only gassy but had fun pooping on the Apollo cabin.

Ew.

The archery range may never be the same.

Can I continue?

Nobody's stopping you.

So, they're flying. And Chris looks down.

And there's a giant misshapen lump burned into the strawberry fields.

No! It was a heart!

It took us all a very long time to figure that out. I mean, it was so lopsided, we had to have a debate on whether or not it was a crop circle!

And what did you decide?

It was a crop circle made by a UFO named Clarisse.

But the gesture was so cute! Especially since they decided not to do anything and then she surprises him with that! Using her spear it must've taken forever.

What's this spear named? I mean, Jackson broke Sparky (technically, Splinter), that one drakon broke Lamer, and this one is…?

I think it's Scourge.

Right. Did we nickname it?

Don't think so. Oh, wait, Marge.

Off topic.

Right. So, there's the heart that Clarisse did for Chris.

And Chris totally knew it was a challenge. The gauntlet has been thrown. The challenge had been issued.

I get it. Now Chris has to tip it, right?

Well, duh!

So, now it's Chris's turn.

Which I am so telling. My brother, my story.

Like that worked last time.

As we fly back to the stables, Chris gets his idea. He leaps off Orlando when Orlando is still five feet in the air. He ninja-rolls to break his fall, and sprints off to the archery range, utilizing the fancy footwork that Clarisse had drilled into him to dodge all the Pegasus patties.

Ew!

Accuracy! He finds the Apollo cabin and tells them his plan. After offering to clean the tuba (which is basically the Camp Half-Blood equivalent of cleaning the stables of Augeas), he gets them to take on what we commonly refer to as TSM, or The Suicide Mission.

This is cute, too. Until the end.

Stop spoiling!

Fine. So, at dinner, the entire Apollo cabin comes up to the Ares table, grab Clarisse by the hand and begin singing 'My Girl'. It was surprisingly cute.

Until Clarisse punched them all in the stomach. Classic.

Then Chris comes down to her table with a stuffed animal the size of Clarisse and says, "Be my Valentine?"

And Clarisse is all, "No, loser."

Then she grabs the stuffed animal and starts ripping it apart with Marge.

And inside the stuffed animal was a sword with the tag, 'your move.'

So what does she do?

She decks him, then grabs him, and kisses him really long, right in the middle of the mess hall. Surrounded by piles of poor, dead Claudine.

Claudine?

Lucy Heiger named her.

Ah.

Oh, and then Clarisse says, "Top that."

So Chris starts doing a striptease to 'Sexy and I Know It'.

So Clarisse throws him over her shoulder, marches to the lake, and pitches him in. Then she walks off.

Man, Clarisse is really bad-a-

No swearing! I'm allergic to pine sap!

Whatever. It was still pretty cute.

Yeah. Misshapen, burned-up hearts, punching, stripteases, and the Temptations. Absolutely adorable.

Well, that was basically it.

Yeah. See ya, I have a date with Lyli tonight. We're going to a shooting arena.

Which totally proves that she's a man.

Is not!

Is so!

Is no-okay, bye.

And a happy Valentine's Day to you, too.