Hi it's me EvilNubia, I used to be called JackSpicer9iluv9u or something like that. I wrote that "IS this wrong or right piece" and "Second Jack" for the Xiaolin showdown category. Loads of people loved my wrong and right piece because it was so funny, so I thought I'd write another funny piece, since I haven't done anything in a while so you know. This is on Eragon though so it's going to be different people commenting but I hope I haven't lost my touch.
I came up with this idea in bed and had to write it down okay.
So welcome people to a whole new series of mixed up parts of Christopher Paolini's books. A whole new look on things. A WHOLE NEW WORLD!
The Eldest Jokes.
Tears streamed down her face as she glanced between him and her father. She stepped forward, hesitated, then with a long, anguished cry, tore at her hair in a frenzy of indecision.
"Katrina!" exclaimed Sloan with a burr of fear.
"Katrina," murmured Roran.
At the sound of there voices, Katrina's tears ceased and she stood straight and tall with a calm expression. Katrina stepped towards her father, "Father I love you," Sloan's face filled with joy, he stretched out his arms to embrace his child. Katrina turned to look at Roran whose face was covered by pure shock and a heart broken soul. A tear ran down Roran's cheek and Katrina soon followed. She steeped towards Roran and continued walking, her face wet, and her eyes blurred. Once she was close enough to embrace the quivering man, she turned to face her father. A horrible pain struck through her heart as her father turned a pitiful white and tears streamed down his face.
"You can't leave me! You're my daughter!" yelled Sloan.
"Fine then!" Screamed Katrina.
Roran and Sloan both stumbled backwards.
"I love the CHILDREN!" Katrina grabbed hold of her hair attempting to pull it out, and dashed off towards the children using the fasted sprint anyone had ever seen in their lives. Her thin delicate legs pumping. Roran was left clasping thin air.
Just then, Elain bustled up as fast as her pregnancy would allow. "Oh, you poor dear!" she cried, and embraced Roran. Elain lifted her head and looked around, searching for any sign of Katrina, none. "Is it true you are engaged?" Roran nodded and smiled, then erupted into hysterical tears against Elain's shoulder. "There now, there now." Elain cradled Roran gently, petting him and trying to soothe him, but without avail-every time Elain thought he was about to recover, Roran began to cry with renewed intensity. Finally, Elain peered over Roran's shoulder. Roran eased off his sobs and tears an opened his eyes, accidentally facing Elain's breasts.
"It's so dark in here." Whispered Roran.
"I know sweety these are dark times." Replied Elain thinking the statement was directed at her.
After a while Roran whispered in a very small voice that Elain ha to lean over to hear. "Is there anyone out there watching us?"
Elain looked back up at the interested crowd, and whispered between her teeth, "Yes."
Roran immediately struggled to push Elain off him. This is not what the town's folk needed to see, there on Stronghammer going insane and sharing his tears and thoughts with a woman's bosom. As soon as he had escaped from Elain's snake like grip, he dusted himself off and turned around smartly. Everyone was staring at him, even the chicken's little black eyes seemed to be centring him. Elain dusted herself off and cam to stand in front of him, her size seemed huge against him and she looked like a huge tower blocking the sun, Roran couldn't help but feel very small again. "Just because this young man is brave enough to share his problems doesn't mean he's a wuss!"
At that statement, the town's inhabitants started to laugh. Roran felt himself shrinking another few inches, until he felt so small he hoped no one could see him. Suddenly he was pulled off his feet like a rag-doll by Elain who turned towards the pub and left, dragging Roran behind her. The people of Carvahall fell into hysterics as the two them headed further down the village.
That night, Horst's pub was full. Everyone ether talking about the Empire and the attacks, or…about the so called Stronghammer who had wussed out like a baby, crying in front of the whole town. Roran was sitting next to a spare table, on his own, slowly stirring a bowl of hot steaming soup with a chunk of bread. Three men came and laughing and sat down next to him. Roran looked up glumly at their amused faces, still stirring the full bowl of pea soup. Loring, Gedric and Thane watched silently, as if waiting to see if he would burst out in tears again. "You know what?" Said Roran. The other men's ears seemed to lift slightly like a dog that has been alerted by a noise. Roran faked a forced smile, "You didn't know what you missed." The three men turned to look at each other, Gedric laughed bitterly, "No, I don't think we missed anything." The remaining men hooted with pleasure. "Oh yeah," smiled Roran, "You missed a lot." The men looked at Roran confused. "What?" Thane asked strangely.
"You know Elain has the biggest breasts, I've ever seen. I'm surprised I had never noticed them before. Maybe you guy's should take a closer look." Roran linked his hands together and placed them under his chin, he turned, eyebrows raised at each of them. The men chuckled with delight. "If you just say that you got social problems to Elain then you'll have them all in a very dark room, by yourself." Roran felt like jumping up and down with glee and laugh evilly as the three men pushed back their chairs. Roran soon followed, as they searched for Elain. Soon they found her inside one of the healer tents. Roran pushed them all in at once, and listened carefully. He could see their silhouettes perfectly from the side, where the candle inside burned. He listened all night, leaping with joy at certain parts. A crowd was slowly forming behind him as the hours ticked on. At dawn, almost every Carvahall citizen had come to see what everyone was looking at. The tent moved as its occupants moved in it. Elain was the first to climb out, her hair slightly messy in a disturbing way. Then Thane followed her out, finally Gedric and Loring tumbled out their clothes a mess. The men seemed to not notice the crowd and started giggling like girls between themselves as Elain wondered off towards the pub. "I'm going to bed!" She called to absolutely no one in particular. That day, the incident wasn't spoken of.
(And will not be ever EVER again since it took me ages to think and right this! So I hoped you enjoyed EvilNubia's Eldest jokes because there's more to come and I'll be doing some on Eragon soon so don't worry. Bye)