AN: Again, please don't take this seriously. I personally LOVE all the AUs everyone comes up with! All the fanfiction bashing is for pure humour and entertainment. Carry on with the creative fanfiction you all make!
AN 2: Hermione = underlined, Harry = bold, and Ron = italics.
Dear Fanfiction Writers and Readers,
Hello, my name is Hermione Jean Granger. My best friends Harry, Ron, and I are writing to you fans about some very serious issues. As a Muggle-born, I am very well updated on the going-ons of the Muggle world (such as the attacks in Muggle France, which is terribly tragic and awful) so I obviously know about the Internet and its uses. This letter to you lot is focused on one aspect: fanfiction. We all have had the misfortune of reading multiple pieces, and I must say that the inconsistencies with real life are just simply outrageous. I will let Harry start us off, so here is Harry.
Thank you, Hermione. Wotcher, everyone. My name is Harry James Potter, and my parents are Lily and James Potter. One of the main issues I have is when my father is identified as someone else. Seriously, I don't appreciate being the son of Severus Snape or Voldemort (don't say his name!) (Ron, he's been dead for eighteen years, get over it). James Potter was my father, and my only father. My parents loved each other very much and giving me a different father really ruins their memory. Please stop disrespecting my parents and stick to the facts. James Potter was my father. Deal with it.
Another big issue I have is when I'm paired up with someone other than my wife Ginny (grrr) (calm down, Ron, I love your sister with all my heart no matter what the fanfiction says). I love Ginny. She is not some attention-seeking brat who slips me love potions. She is a lovely independent woman who loves me for who I am, not because I am the Boy Who Lived/Chosen One. All those other people you pair me up with barely know me or used to be my enemies (e.g. Malfoy, Daphne, Susan, etc.). You've even paired me up with Hermione! Hermione! Do you know how many times Ron tried to punch me in the face because of that? Too many! And even worse, you turn me into a girl and pair me up with either Sirius or Remus! SIRIUS OR REMUS! Why are you writing them out as pedophiles for Merlin's sake? There was this horrible piece that had Sirius doing a fourteen-year-old female me! Haven't you all heard of statutory rape, people?! I'm pretty sure it's not legal in Britain for someone of age to sleep with a fourteen-year-old (you have to be sixteen) (thank you, Hermione)! Ugh, people! I love Ginny who was at a perfectly legal age difference with me even BEFORE we went all the way. You guys are sick!
Do you need a break, Harry?
Yes, please. Your turn, Ron.
Thanks, Harry. Hi, all you gits. I'm Ron Weasley, who is NOT a bastard who spied on Harry for money. Really, all those "Ron!bashing" stories are too much. Harry is my best friend, and I would NEVER do a thing like that. It's seriously degrading and insulting. So please STOP TURNING ME, MY FAMILY, AND DUMBLEDORE INTO A BUNCH OF EVIL GITS! I SWEAR, IF IT WEREN'T FOR THE FACT THAT I WOULD BE ARRESTED, I WOULD CURSE ALL OF YOU INTO OBLIVION! I SWEAR –
Clearly, these two cannot contain their anger. Ron, I'm very disappointed in you. You didn't even finish a full paragraph. I'll finish for you.
He is right, of course. Turning him and his family into evil maniacs is not a very nice thing to do. Come to think of it, I've seen quite a few that bash ME, too. I may be competitive, but I would NEVER want Harry to hold back on schoolwork just to please me. In fact, it would do the OPPOSITE. Harry is my best friend, nothing more, nothing less. That reminds me. Why are some of you pairing me up with Harry in your works? I have had to tell Ron multiple times that I love HIM, not Harry. Harry is like my brother so to read about us in a romantic way is quite disgusting, to be honest. Oh well. At least it's better than the more frequent DRAMIONE. Honestly, why are you pairing me up with the ferret who constantly picked on me for being a know-it-all and a Muggle-born? Aren't boyfriends/fiancés/husbands supposed to treat their girls in a nice way? Ron would NEVER call me a Mudblood, not even if he's really angry. He might call me a know-it-all, but at least that's somewhat true. My disdain for being paired up with Draco Malfoy goes the same for being paired up with Blaise Zabini. I barely even know him as it is, and Ginny says he's a right vanity case. I must say, I agree. I love Ron Weasley, and that's final. And for the record, I'm STRAIGHT so the idea of being with Ginny or Luna or Pansy (ugh) or some other girl is absolutely OUT OF THE QUESTION.
Ditto on that, except for the Ginny part.
Same, including the Ginny part (she's my sister, gross).
Also, people, can you stop trying to guess my parents' names? I won't tell you what they are, but you need to stop guessing. It's really embarrassing.
And I want people to stop turning me dark or grey or independent or whatever. I was a hero who had loads of help, and that was it. I was also a Gryffindor, not a Slytherin. And I'm a boy, not a girl.
Speaking of turning Harry into a girl, I really hate it when people turn me into a pervert at the same time. A pervert would probably be someone like McLaggen.
Don't mention that guy again, please.
Hermione and I also have another complaint in the love department: being paired up with the loveless Tom Riddle. Seriously, why are you pairing one of us up with our worst enemy ever? That's just really twisted. Neither of us want to date a murderous psychotic maniac.
Plus, he was over fifty years older and really unattractive in his last stage.
That too.
Any final complaints? No? Well, that's everything I think. We WILL be editing this if we think up of anymore, but until then –
WAIT! ONE MORE THING! STOP WRITING STORIES ABOUT MY DAUGHTER AND THAT SON OF A FERRET!
…Just stop trying to predict the future with our kids, please. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Divination is a load of rubbish.
Signed,
Harry James Potter
Ronald Bilius "Ron" Weasley
Hermione Jean Granger (not Weasley or Granger-Weasley and certainly NOT Mione)
P.S. I don't appreciate being portrayed as an idiot. I'm reckless and hotheaded, but I am in NO WAY stupid. I am a good strategist thanks to chess.
AN 3: Reviews are greatly appreciated! Thanks in advance to those who do!