now that i know what i'm without
you can't just leave me
breathe into me and make me real
bring me to life
For once in his life, he's afraid of losing her. He could feel it. Something has broken between them. She closed her heart up. He hasn't seen that 100 watt smile of hers in so long. He is afraid to admit that he feels like a black cloud is following him around, rain pouring down, and he's stuck out in the beginning of a storm without his umbrella. He's left out there without a source of anything to shield him from the impending storm. He can't even run away from it, because no matter where he goes, it follows him. Follows him around like a bad habit.
She was always there, but her heart hasn't visited him in what seems like so long. Her snarky remarks don't go his way anymore and it hurts more than he thought it would. He aches for something that was never his in the first place. It feels like when he was sleeping something came and took away his friend without a reason why.
He looks at her now, and she looks away. Her name is always on the tip of his tongue, but she never gives him the chance to say it. She's pushing him away. Telling him he's no longer wanted, even though she never says the words. He's confused and hurt. Not knowing what he did to lose the one constant in his life. The one who kept him grounded. He never wanted to lose that.
wake me up inside
wake me up inside
call my name and save me from
the dark
bid my blood to run
before i come undone
save me from the nothing i've
become
bring me to life
He visits The Torch more often than he should. She's never there. Something has come between them and it hurts. He still doesn't know what it is. He looks into her eyes and there's a wall. There's a stone wall in her eyes, around her heart. There's a gate there and he's been shut out. On the outside looking in.
And it makes him scared. He's always been afraid of certain things. He's been afraid of people finding out his secret. He's been afraid of living his life alone. He's been afraid of failure and losing his family. But he had never really been afraid of losing Chloe. Even after he wasn't able to save her, when she was pushed out of Lex's window. He had been angry at himself for not being able to save her in time, but he hadn't exactly been afraid of *losing* her.
And now he could feel the fear of losing Chloe. His best friend.
Her laptop is always on. A new article always on the screen, typical of Chloe. She's never around, he's always missing her. In more ways than one. The silence can only last so long, and Pete's not the biggest help.
He misses her sarcastic remarks. He misses the way she makes fun of him and harps on him all the time. He misses the flash of her flippy blonde hair. Her vibrant colors of her unique fashion sense. He misses the way she is always searching for the truth. Most of all he misses her. Feels it tugging at his heart, tugging and yanking, making him realizing that for the first time in a long time, Chloe Sullivan isn't there.
She is usually always there. Offering him help, or a snide remark, at least. But she's nowhere to be found now. He knows she's around. But she's not in her regular places. He hasn't seen that 100 watt smile of hers in a while.
frozen inside without your touch
without your love
darling only you are the life
among the dead
And he knows he misses it more than he should. He misses her little sardonic grins. Misses the way she is always in front of that laptop working on something else. And it crushes inside of him. Because he doesn't know why she's pulling away. Why she's no longer there for him. A part of him tells himself he didn't think she was going to be there forever. But the other part of him, points out that is exactly what he thought.
He thought Chloe would always be there.
And now she's not, and things aren't the same. He calls her. Gets the machine. She's not talking with him. Avoiding him. It's eating away at him. It's even cutting into his Lana time. He can't help but think that he'll never get past those stone walls Chloe put up.
Confusion sets in his body. He wishes he knew what happened to change things so drastically between them. If it was someone, he would make that person pay. If it was something he did, he would fix it. If it was something he didn't do, he would try to do it. Anything to get back what was once living in his world.
But even with all his powers, his strengths, he can't fix what is broken.
Not even he can snap his fingers and fix everything. Because while he was sick, something floated in his world and tore itself through everything he was so secure about. It took away his best friend. Made her shut him out. Made her look away and avoid him. Made her not be around whenever he's looking for her.
And it makes him feel sick. Makes him feel sicker than the meteor rocks make him feel. It's settling at the pit of his stomach. It makes him weak, and he just wants to sit down and let this feeling pass. But it's not passing. It's fear. The fear of not knowing. The fear of not ever gaining back what was so comfortable.
Not even Lex's advice can fix this one thing. Lex's way of always looking like the smartest guy around can make this better. And he wants it to be better. He wants to know what he did. What happened. He wants to know how he can fix it, just to get her back.
He looks at Pete who just looks sympathetically at him.
how can you see into my eyes like
open doors
leading you down into my core
where i've become so numb without
a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead
it back home wake me up inside
wake me up inside
call my name and save me from
the dark
bid my blood to run
before i come undone
save me from the nothing i've
become
He had always feared being alone in this world. Even after being able to tell Pete his secret, he still feared about being alone. Chloe had a way of always being there, without even having to be there. She made things better. Even if she was rolling her eyes at him and calling him on something, he rather she be quiet about.
He can peer through that telescope of his and he'll never find what he's looking for.
Because he had it this whole time, without noticing.
***
"Looking for someone?" Her voice floats into his ears. He turns around to see her. She still has that look in her eyes, but she's leaning against the doorframe of the loft, shooting him a look.
"Yeah."
She makes a hmm'ing sound, walks up the stairs to the loft and then strolls over to the telescope looking out of it, she adjusted it a few times, before pulling away and looking at Clark. "Can't see Lana, can you?"
He's running a hand through his hair, very nervous habit of his. Something he got from his father. His father always did that whenever his mom would flash him "the look". Never a good look, mind you. "Wasn't looking for her."
"Surprise, surprise."
"Chloe, are we okay?" He asks with a certain strain to his voice.
She looks at him, and he feels like she's looking right through him. She's looking through the telescope again, avoiding his question. The silence hanging in the air between them. "Are you outgrowing me as a friend, Clark?" She asks.
He thinks it's a silly question, considering she's the one avoiding him. The one that *was* at least. But he answers her question, the way he had last time she asked him. "I could never outgrow you Chloe, other than vertically."
She's looking at him now. "You have to start looking at me."
He opens her mouth to say something, to question her about her statement, but decides against it. "Am I still on the top of your speed dial?"
"Always."