Remapping the History of You and Me

Chapter 1: Hers

~0~

Vice Foreign Minister Relena Darlian continuously clicked on the remote control, flipping over channels for anything, anything decent to watch. Wearing her favourite knee-length silky pink nightgown, a blanket over her shoulders, and an open book on her lap, she lied on the couch with an arm over the armrest, while her legs stretched over the furniture, waiting for sleep to come to her.

Pagan and the rest of the house staff were already sleeping, save for some Preventer agents guarding around the house. She was the only one awake inside the house for all she knew, until she felt his presence behind her.

"Hey," Relena called out, smiling as her Preventer agent looked down at her from behind the couch with a questioning look. "Your shift now?"

"Hn," replied the agent.

The Vice Foreign Minister pulled back her legs closer to her side and patted the space beside her on the couch. "I can't sleep. Join me?"

Wearing a white button down shirt and jeans, Heero Yuy, former Gundam pilot and now Preventer Agent, moved from his place and sat beside Relena, his arm resting on the armrest on the opposite side of the couch. Relena took note of his dishevelled brown hair that hang above his eyes, his chiselled jaw, and his alertness even in the dead of the night. She smiled despite herself, admiring how effortlessly attractive this man can be, and how he was obviously unaware of it.

Heero caught her staring at him and raised a brow. Relena just shook her head as she stifled a chuckle before turning her attention back to the television.

"There's really nothing better to watch this late at night. Just tell me if you see something you like," she commented, steering the conversation away from her ogling.

"Anything is fine."

Relena blew a breath as she settled on a film about a love story set against the backdrop of a war. She wasn't really intending to watch something attentively, just wanting to have some background sound as she continued to read in the dead of the night. "Sometimes I wonder why they even make something romantic about a real life event that's so tragic," she sighed before placing the remote control on top of a pile of books on the coffee table in front of them, turning her attention back to the book on her lap.

Heero surveyed the piles of books on the table with the titles An Anarchy of Peace: The Rise and Fall of the Peacecraft Monarchy, A Diplomatic History of the Sanc Kingdom, Sanc Foreign Policy: The Total Peace Principle, Sanc Kingdom and the Colonies: Forging New Relations, The Peacecraft Royal Family. He grabbed the nearest book to him, which was titled the Peacecraft Royal Family, and skimmed the pages.

"Have you finished these?" he found himself asking, taking note that Relena had never stopped reading about her birth family since they arrived in Sanc three days ago. There were more books that had arrived today at her request, and he knew that they'd be taking these with them when they return to Brussels after the documentary film premiere tomorrow.

Relena looked at the book he was holding, an archaic blue hardbound book with pages that were turning yellow. "That one? Not yet."

"Hn." He continued to skim the pages and settled on a page.

The Peacecraft princess noticed the pause in the swishing of papers whenever Heero turned a page, so she abandoned her place on the opposite side of the couch and sat beside him, their shoulders touching as she peeked at the page he was looking at.

"Oh," she breathed. The page contained a black and white portrait photograph of a beautiful woman. The woman in the photo had long hair; her lips were curved into a smile, while her neck and ears were adorned by pearls as she gazed lovingly at the baby in her arms. The baby, not probably older than seven months, was also smiling in her dress as she reached out a gloved hand to her mother's cheek.

Relena lifted a hand and touched the cheek of the woman in the photo, as well, placing her hand on top of the hand of the infant. It didn't take rocket science to know who the woman in the photo was, and even the baby. The woman in the photo was appeared to be a carbon copy of Relana's face, only with much grace and maturity accumulated through the years. For a while, Relena stared at the face of her birth mother as if doing so for a long time can ever bring back memories with her when she was still a child.

Heero leaned back on the couch and gave Relena all the time she needed. After a few minutes, Relena leaned back, as well; her gaze now fixed on the television wherein the male and female protagonists of the film were having a date in an airplane hangar.

"This is why I still can't bring myself to open some of these books," muttered Relena, saying it more to herself than her companion. "I'm having a lot of emotions and I don't like it. It's been ten years since the Eve Wars and maintaining peace and stability had been manageable so far so there's every reason to be happy. Then these things pop out," she motioned at the books on the table, "And I start asking the what- ifs, the why-did-it-have-to-happen, and suddenly I'm all sad and angry; and yet if that hadn't happened, I never would have been the daughter to the Darlians and also all the experiences that went with it. My time with them was the memories that I know and cherish. And…"

Relena gulped, and Heero noticed that her hands were gripping the blanket sheet so hard her fingers were trembling. She was speaking at a rapid pace -a nervous tick of hers and an indication of how much she had kept all these to herself - he noticed through years of being near her. He closed the book just when Relena composed herself.

"It's kind of weird, you know?" she began, "Being interviewed in all of these documentary films and articles on the war and all that. Somehow it's all easy when I'm speaking as Relena Darlian, but when they ask me about the Peacecrafts, I…" She crumpled the sheets on her lap. "It's just… It feels like I'm betraying my heritage. I wanted to know where I came from, about my birth parents, too, more than anything. But when I actually get around to reading this stuff, I suddenly can't. It's like I'm afraid to know exactly what happened to them, how they died, how Milliardo and I survived, how the man who had saved me and became the father I knew also died; everything is just so messed up. Does that make sense?"

Relena looked up at Heero, confusion marring her face, while Heero looked at her in the eyes. "It does. It's one of the many consequences of war. It's been hard on you."

"The war's been hard on you, too."

"I was the war," Heero argued, looking away.

"No, the war began already way before Operation Meteor. And you were a hero. Stop blaming yourself again, please." Relena held his wrist, willing him to forgive himself from the deaths he had caused in the war, and also for the times when he had also wanted to kill her.

Heero flinched from the contact, but suddenly relaxed into Relena's shivering hand. He was the cause of her anxiety again. The Perfect Soldier had always wondered why a public figure, moreover a royalty like Relena can ever worry about someone like him. Normally, his 15-year old self wouldn't have cared. But this time, he did. After being assigned to Relena as a Preventer Agent for years, he realized that he did care whenever she worried about him or anything else. On the flip side, it was because he worried about her, too. Of course he did. His life now revolved around worrying about her safety, her life, her well-being, and oddly enough, he cared about her happiness – a realization that he still could not shake off.

"But I've never met my parents," said Heero, diverting the subject.

"At all?"

"I might have. There are bits and pieces that flash in my head sometimes. But the most vivid memories come back when I was already training for Dr. J."

"So young…" Relena traced the lines on his palm, surprised that he was talking about his past. He had never done that, until now. And she cannot wrap her head around a young Heero who had not gone through a normal childhood, but instead was trained to be a weapon.

Heero must have felt the pity in her voice, so he sought damage control. "I got along just fine. It was better that I don't remember, so I didn't know what I was missing."

"Was that why…." She couldn't finish it. Why you were so eager to die before?

"What?"

Relena sifted her fingers through Heero's calloused ones, and then along his scarred wrists, his battle scars. She imagined it – a child who carried a lot of baggage and put the problem of the universe on his shoulders. Relena kissed his long scar, rubbing on it gently as if willing it to go away.

The light was dim in the room with the lampshade being the only source of light, but Heero could've sworn that he noticed tears forming in Relena's eyes, though she pushed it back before it fell. He was too stunned and appalled at himself for inducing her tears. Still, he welcomed her touch. No one had ever bothered to touch him, especially like this, for he was a killer. But this woman. He had no other words for her. She caressed his hand so gently like it was a feather, showing how much she cared, and how much she treated him like he was any other friend, not as a weapon that he was. His hands warmed at her cool touch, and he fought the urge to close his hand around hers.

"What can you remember from those pieces?" she then asked.

"There was always a woman wearing an apron. And she always kisses a man who has his back turned to me. It has always been that scene."

"It may have been a great moment in your past, which is why you can still remember it."

"Hn." Heero nodded, watching the film absentmindedly. "Then… a man. I don't if he's the same man. But there's also a dying man with a gunshot wound on his chest. His last words were 'The only way to live a good life is to act on your emotions.' Oddly, those were the earliest words I can remember."

"The woman and the man. Do you think…?" Relena looked up at Heero, not capable of voicing out the rest of the question.

But Heero knew exactly what she meant. "He was probably my father, yes."

So he also saw his father die in front of him. That makes the two of them.

Relena that broke the silence, "Act on your emotions, huh?"

"I agree with it. It's been my guiding principle since."

"So…" A smile crept from Relena's face, trying to lighten up the mood. "You were acting on your emotions when you were rescuing me, and not just because of being a good soldier following orders?"

"You're a magnet for trouble," and Heero's lips also curved. "And you were the road to the good life."

"I am the good life," Relena countered, shaking her head at what he could also possibly mean by that statement.

They were now both watching the film. Relena revelled in the moment that in the ten years that they've known each other, this was the only time when Heero talked about his past. And yet again, have reinforced how similar they were in many aspects as much as their differences. They were two different individuals, raised in two different environments, and yet, nobody can understand the circumstances of the other better than the two of them.

Nobody spoke for a while, until the film's scenario was in the plane hangar again with a soldier in full combat gear with his helmet, camouflage suit, a sash of bullets attached to his torso, and a brunette woman in tears wrapped her arms around him. He was going to war. And she was to go in hiding and stay safe until the fighting was over. They were staring at each other now, the soldier's face also in pain at the sight of the tears of his lover. He wiped each tear away, and the audience can really tell that the pilot wanted to kiss her desperately but his helmet was in the way and the alarm had blasted already.

Relena's thoughts suddenly drifted back to that time in the Libra when Heero was also wearing a helmet and was about to head for that final battle with her brother. And also to the time when they had almost kissed in the hangar after rescuing her from being abducted. Was it ten years ago already? It felt like ten days ago. The memories were so vivid in her mind. She kept replaying it over and over in her head and was wondering if she had just imagined Heero's face coming close to hers, his hand holding hers – both of them knowing that a boundary had been crossed since then. Or perhaps it was from the moment they danced a long time ago, wherein Relena declared that she were going to be on his side.

"Heero?" Relena called his attention as she placed the blanket on his lap and extending it up to his torso. And he was already expecting the question that followed, "Why did you rescue me in the Libra? You said before that with me in the Libra, Noin and the others were worried. So, I was wondering. Was it Noin's order?"

"No."

"Why, then?"

Heero brought out his hands from under the blanket, still watching the film wherein the soldier had flown the aircraft and left his woman crying in the hangar. For a minute, he felt a tinge of pride when he recalled that Relena had not shed a tear when he said goodbye on that fateful day, though she did put up a fight in not allowing him to fight her brother. But her last words to him were that she believed in him. And for the first time in his life, he wanted to live. Glancing at Relena, he answered, "I thought you were in Earth where you could stay until the war in Space was over. But Hilde told us that she had met you in Libra. The Gundam pilots were to attack Libra soon. My plan was to hand you to Peacemillion where you would be safe."

"Because I will be taking care of the peace process after you all break each other's bodies to pieces, right?" she answered ruefully.

"Not quite."

"Hm?"

"I just needed you safe."

"You are so vague."

She laid her head on his shoulder, not wanting to press him questions anymore, sleep was already claiming her. Heero accommodated her and wrapped the blanket and pulled it over her shoulder as her skin was so cool against his warm body. He wrapped his arm around her and she settled against his side.

"It's almost 2:30 in the morning. The night's getting cooler."

"Hm," Relena nodded. "What time do we leave tomorrow?"

"4 in the afternoon."

"Fantastic. I can sleep all morning." The princess yawned just when the film credits were starting to roll. "I'm sleepy. It's finally kicking in…"

What was kicking in? Before he could ask what she meant, the Preventer agent looked down at the woman he was holding and heard her breathe in deep. Heero turned off the television and bundled her up in the blanket as he carried Relena like a princess that she was into her bedroom. As he deposited her on the bed, Heero watched her for a while as she rolled to her side, facing him, her hair a fan spread behind her.

Lit by the moonlight filtering through the balcony door, Relena looked so pale and beautiful, despite the dark circles under her eyes, looking more vulnerable than ever. During the day, she was this fearless, outspoken, intelligent woman; the icon of peace and the heir of the Peacecraft monarchy. But right now? She was a tired woman, who also carried a large baggage on her shoulders at a young age.

Heero turned to leave until he noticed the pills stacked in a small plastic containers on Relena's bedside table. Turning on the lampshade, noting that Relena had not stirred, Heero inspected that they were sleeping pills with heavy dosages, Prazosin, and anti-anxiety medicine. His eyes widened in surprise. Prazosin. He remembered encountering these drugs when he took his medical examination as one of the requirements to join the Preventers. The doctor recommended these to him, claiming that they would help alleviate recurring nightmares caused by traumatic events… like exploding mobile suits. With his great control of his actions and a disciplined mind during the war, he managed to adjust well into this new era without any medications. He had been trained for it. He had been dreamless for as long as he can remember because of it, but he was not complaining – a dreamless sleep was so much better than having nightmares. Furthermore, ZERO's system had the capability to enhance his consciousness, so refusing the drugs was fine. But for someone like Relena, who had not been trained for such… how long had she been taking these?

Relena whimpered and gripped the sheet. Her brows were furrowed, nightmares plaguing her dreams no doubt. Without a second thought, Heero closed his hand around hers until she settled. When her palm loosened its grip on the sheet, Heero pulled out a chair from her desk and sat beside her as he turned off the lampshade and brought the pills back on the bedside table.

Relena held on to his hand, and Heero could've sworn that the act stirred something in him. There was that again. That feeling he couldn't place. Relena talked about feeling so many emotions in one go earlier. As for him, this was one of those moments when he felt such emotions all at once. He had managed to close off his emotions for a quite a long time during the war, so he did not know how to handle this. He was worried, he was anxious, he was scared.

There were times when Heero had questioned his humanity when his closing off of emotions became a habit and took longer than intended even after he was done fighting. He had been dreamless, and he was not feeling any emotion at all. In his mind were just the thoughts that he should win the battle, protect the Colonies, even if it cost him his life – if he were truly living at all. But now that he was feeling these unexpected emotions all at once, emotions that he had always felt whenever it concerned the woman he was holding, a part of him was thankful; because as he held her hand the entire night, Heero felt human. His touch with humanity came alive. Along with it came the realization that with her he had a purpose. No matter how strong she was, she needed him. And on the flip side, he needed her, as well.

Relena's hand tightened her grip on his; he squeezed her hand once more, relaying that he was with her. Always with her.

~o~

Author's Note:

Hello there! So before anything else I would just like to say that today marks my 10th anniversary as a fanfic writer in this site, so yaaaaaay! To commemorate this milestone of my fangirl life, I came up with this short heart-to-heart session of Heero and Relena.

I have always enjoyed writing about the ordinary human side of 1 x R, like this one, which explores their families and memories lost, and its inextricable saddening tie with destruction caused by war. There were references to the manga and Frozen Teardrop with regards to their pasts in here, as well.

Also, this will be a two-chaptered fic, I will post the next chapter soon, on another important date! :)

And lastly, thank you for the support through the years! I greatly appreciate it! :)

XOXO,

Lady-Rinoa