When I look at the walls of the consulting room where they will perform the sonogram, I have the feeling that I'm in a white box that becomes smaller and smaller as time passes by, is suffocating and unbearable. I've never liked hospitals from the point of view of the patient, I always have had the feeling that something bad will happen to you, if you stay too long in them. I can operate without any problems to a person with a terminal illness, and I can even give the news of the death of someone without problems, but be a patient ... it's really annoying.
But here I am, sitting as another foolish patient, while I watch how another girl around my age, makes all the preparations for an ultrasound. I think if it weren't for the fact that I have an appointment to check the status of my baby, I would have gone to another place.
I still cannot believe that I'm pregnant, after I received the news in that bathroom of my house; everything became a spiral of unprecedented events. When I look back in time, I think the way I told Shun that I was pregnant, wasn't the best, I could swear that the only time I've seen his face like that, was when I confronted him so he wouldn't go to the sanctuary and risk his life… But what else could I have done!
We were in our house and it just slipped out of my mouth ... Come to think of it, he took it very well.
The one that I believe that didn't take very well was Ikki, seriously, I will never forget the look of my brother in law's face when I said that I was pregnant, I swear that sometimes I do not understand that phoenix at all, but at least he's happy ... I think. Well ... I guess Seika will take care of it, lately I have seen a great friendship between them.
I wish Shun were here, I'd like to experience with him the feeling of seeing the first echo of our son. But after we finished with the affair between Hyoga and his wife, we decided it was best to go back to work and so we will start saving for the child's expenses.
The moment I stare at my belly, I feel I cannot believe that two and half months have passed so quickly. Funny how time passes without noticing right?
- All right, are we ready? -The nurse asked me after putting everything in order to start the echo.
- Of course -I replied with a smile and a sparkle in my eyes.
I was about to begin with the procedure, when suddenly, I hear a sound of footsteps in the hallway. After a few seconds, in which the girl and I were watching the door, we appreciated how hard it opened, displaying the image of an exhausted Shun.
…
Shun! What is he doing? Why is he here? Although a better question would be… What he had done to get to my echo? Well ... I think that's not really important right now.
- Shun! Are you okay? -I asked with some concern in my face while I see how my husband was trying to catch his breath.
- I ... wait ... give a ... second… there, I'm better -after having said this, Shun sits next to me and takes my hand- You didn't believe that I would lost the first echo of our son, right?
- Shun...
I have no words right now, for some reason I feel how the tears invaded my eyes. I've never been a cry baby ... And what happened that time at sanctuary does not count! But seeing how my man is in front of me ... supporting me unconditionally, I cannot help it.
- Well ... now that both parents are here, Can we start? -The girl asked with an empathic smile.
- Sure -both of us answered at the same time.
Although the gel that she starts to apply on me is cold as ice, I do not flinch a little bit, especially since all I can think about right now, is how Shun's hand is squeezing mine.
They time passes and we watch carefully how the girl stares at the screen. She shows some confusion on her face at the beginning, and little by little, I started to note that it was becoming worrisome.
For some strange reason, my heart starts to race and all my senses begin to tell me that the worst is going to happen, but at the same time, my brain refuses to this, and with great force frightens all those negative thoughts.
One… two… three minutes and nothing.
I feel a great weight on my throat right now, what is this feeling?
At the fourth minute, the nurse removed her hand from my belly and looks at the two of us with a totally neutral expression on her emotionless face. No ... no way...
- Excuse me, I need to check on something -she announced as she stood up and went straight to the hall, out of our sight.
- I do not understand ... What do you think it's happening June? June? –Shun is talking, but I do not answer, simply I cannot.
Damn to all those years of medical study! Although the answer is in the depths of my mind, I cannot force my heart to accept what is happening. I'm no expert in ultrasound, but I've dealt with the obstetrics staff several times to know ... NO! No and no! It's impossible ... I do not...!
Suddenly my thoughts were interrupted by a familiar figure. Seiya was lying in the doorway with a look of concern on his face, which made me start to sweat cold.
- Hi Seiya -Shun greeted with appreciation on his voice.
- Hey guys -he replied with little enthusiasm.
- What is it? -I asked in a harsh tone.
Seiya sat in the seat that was previously occupied by the nurse and took the ultrasound in his hands, and slowly began to travel through my belly
After a few minutes, Seiya's face turned grim after contemplating the image on the screen. Seiya tried to cover my sight of the screen, so that I wouldn't be able the picture, but it was obvious what was happening. Seiya. A neurologist. An ultrasound. Ten weeks. Sure...
- What is it? -Shun asked, even though I hardly listened.
- Shun ... - Seiya began with some strange tone on his voice- You'll see ... we use ultrasounds to see the child's body and in with the help these we can determine if there are any problems during ...
- Just say it -I said interrupting him and feeling a great hole in my stomach.
I may have been a little bit hard on him, but I've never liked the delays when it comes to bad news, I have always been very straightforward with my patients and their families, and this wouldn't be the exception.
- June ... your baby has anencephaly- Seiya sentenced while he look at me.
That's it, it was done. I do not know why I expected something different from the lips of Seiya, I think my mind knew the answer a long while ago, but before being a doctor, I'm a person and anyone that is in my situation would understand what I'm going through.
My ears stopped working at that time, I did not even bother to listen the explanation that Seiya began about what was anencephaly to Shun: A cephalic disorder that results from a neural tube defect that occurs when the... Long story short, my son had no brain Oh! Surprise, it's a boy or rather it would've been a boy.
What difference does make? He is not with me anymore and everything else in this world, I do not care...
I can hear Shun telling his boss that he's going to take the rest of the day off, but I just do not perceive reality in the same way as before. My feet move, but my mind is elsewhere as we enter the car...
I do not understand what's happening. Since we left the office, I feel that June is pretty lost, I constantly turn my gaze to her while driving and I can appreciate that she has her eyes on a distant point on the horizon of Tokyo.
I understand that the news of unborn son were pretty hard to take, but her state scares me a little more, in my heart June is the most important thing at this moment and is not easy for me to put up with this situation.
Knowing that we have to abort our child because of his condition is a difficult decision to make, but I'm trying to take the best decision for both of us.
I think while we were listening to the reasons of why we had to apply as soon as possible therapeutic abortion, June was listening but she was not with us, thought.
Eventually, she was able to nod at us, though I cannot explain how she got the strength to do it, I barely managed to utter a word after that explanation.
Seeing that June is still unresponsive, I try to bring a conversation theme that distracts her from everything that has happened until now.
- I think we have to buy more food, don't you think? -What an idiot. But it's the best I could have thought.
Nothing, June is still no answering me. What do I do?
- Lately is getting too hot, I guess summer is here already.
Why do I feel that I'm screwing up every time I open my mouth? I'd be better if I keep my mouth shut, in the end... I do not think there is anything that can solve this situation.
Finally ... after a long journey, we arrived at the house. I think those were the longest twenty minutes of my life. I look at my watch and I can't avoid blinking several times to see that is one p.m. already. How slow time flies!
With great concern in my eyes, I observe how June goes to the living room and sits on the biggest sofa. Seeing no other movement from her, I decide it's best if I prepare lunch right now.
Slowly, I go to the kitchen when suddenly it hits me, I didn't ask June what she'd like to eat. How should I ask? I don't want to do anything to disturb her, but ... I think I should at least see what she's doing, I don't like this silence.
Excuse me June ... Do you want to...?
I can't keep talking anymore, because of the image that is before my eyes.
June was hiding her face with her hands as she was crying in silence. His elbows were lying on their knees while his back showed some slight tremors. I must say that this was broking my heart into pieces.
I quickly go to her and grabbed her hand. She removed her face from her hands and watched me. Her blue eyes were red and her face was covered with tears, but even so, I thought it was beautiful.
With great affection, I hugged her and let her cry silently on my shoulder. I cried a few tears too, for our unborn child, for June and for the sadness I was feeling as a parent...
How much time has passed? Two or… four months… I think it's been more than four months; we are in November after all. Time flies when you are working.
After the abortion, I started to talk a little bit more in a naturally way, thought I was not myself at all.
Shun have told me several times, that it was not my fault what it happened to Damian (The name of my baby) But what else could I do? You don't lose a child every day and less for anencephaly, in these cases, the woman always ends up paying the highest price and I was not the exception.
For over two months, I locked myself in my own version of hell; I didn't even want to go to work on several occasions.
I must admit that it was with the help of Seika and Saori that I overcame that depression, because even Shun (who was very loving and caring with me after all that stuff), could not penetrate the rock that I had become
The rest of my friends also helped me in an unconventional way. The first step was to put a name to my son. I have never thought of that, but Seika felt it was best, because I'd help me to see my son from other perspective.
I've never believed in God, not in vain you almost killed yourself on an island far away from civilization and fought in the name of a goddess who is constantly threatened by gods that have nothing to do with the current conception of "God". But after the talk I had with Natasha, I started to think about if there is any force greater than the Greek gods up there, if so, I'd like to know why these things happen and if it's worth all this suffering.
What the girls said about giving my unborn son a name was strange, but even stranger was doing a funeral for him. Apparently with this, I could say goodbye to my son and be at peace with myself, though at first I didn't believe that story, I ended up accepting.
We all went to Cape Sounion. Marin, Shaina and even Miho were there, accompanying me in that private and unique moment. I think the guys were not there because they knew that it was something for women and in the end, they were right.
There, on the top of that cliff, each one of us dropped a flower in the wind in memory of that child who wasn't able to born, but it had meant so much to me.
Maybe you won't believe it, but even though I could not hold back my tears as I watched how flowers were lost in the horizon, that moment helped me to heal my soul and I am grateful I did it, otherwise I don't know where would I have finished.
Still, I couldn't smile the same way I did before, Shun had told me to never say never to what fate could offer me. Honestly I do not care about that anymore, is a very slow healing process to cure your mind of the death of a loved one, so taking the first step, it wouldn't be easy.
And here I am, back in the place where I lost part of my life. After experiencing some discomfort and nausea in October, I ran immediately to the doctor to see what was happening to me, and at the end, my biggest fears actually came true: I was pregnant again. Even now, I cannot believe my reaction at the time.
- Isn't it great, miss? - The nurse asked.
- Destiny ... yeah ... THE FUCKING DESTINY! - What the hell?!- Why these things happen? - Huh? Was I smiling? - NO! Of course not!
- Miss ...
- Leave me alone! -I yelled as I got up from the chair- No, no, no!
I don't know what exactly happened after that, but the point is that I went home directly to cry. Maybe it was from happiness or sadness, but somehow, I felt a little better after I listened part of a song on the radio. The lyrics still resonate in my mind as I think about it:
Baby mine, don't you cry.
Baby mine, dry your eyes.
Rest your head close to my heart,
never to part, baby of mine.
Why did I keep it to myself until December? I do not know. Throughout the rest of the month, I managed to hide my pregnancy incredibly well; I'm Amazon, aren't I? Maybe I was afraid of what would happen again, but ... Who can judge me?
I swore to myself that I would do anything for this child's sake. Shun seemed a little bit intrigued when I decided to change my diet and I started training my body to stay in good shape, but he didn't suspect anything. Not a single soft drink went through my hands in the last six weeks and I promised I would only eat vegetables and healthy food during my pregnancy.
Anyway, I swear that this pregnancy is going to end well for sure.
Well, when all is said and done, the only thing I can do right now its keep going.
So here I am, in the hospital. For some strange reason, my hands don't stop shaking, the cold sensation in my stomach does not bother me at all, what really matters to me right now, is what would might show the image of my ultrasound.
In my mind I'm praying to all the gods to help me, please do not let my son suffer the same fate as his brother, please.
The minutes are passing by and still no reply, I have the feeling that I want to scream or break a wall, but the suddenly smile of the nurse calms me down and before me, appears the most beautiful image in the world.
- That ... is ...
- Yes ma'am, I'm really happy for you -said the young man with great happiness.
Maybe ... just maybe, there is a god out there...
Today the work was impossible. My thoughts are flying while are driving down the road that leads to my house. Sometimes I wonder if they'll give us some days off, as Christmas it's not too far way and I haven't bought yet gifts for the guys and ... June.
June ... What should I give her? This has been a very difficult year for the two of us, it goes without saying that it wasn't easy, so the choice will not be easy to pick.
Perhaps a trip would be good; we have not shared a special moment in which there were only two of us. Now that I think about it the idea isn't so bad at all, maybe something good will comes out at the end of the year thought.
While I reach my home, I realise that June has arrived because her car is parked outside of the garage, which she normally doesn't do, so I am somewhat puzzled about this situation.
Without too much rush, I parked next to my wife's place. While I get out of my car, my mind is very focused on what we will have for dinner today; and just on that moment, my stomach growls.
After placing the first step in the house, I surprised myself when I note how the house is decorated; apparently, June had returned early from work today and decided to decorate it herself. I am in awe because of this beautiful decoration; June obviously had bought some new ornaments this year, which I am delighted. You can say that her mood had improved considerably and this was the perfect proof of that.
As I walk around the house, I immediately noticed the presence of June in the living room. She was very concentrated placing the lights on the tree; she didn't even notice my arrival a few minutes ago.
Something inside of me wanted to play with her, so I decided to play a little. Slowly, I approached June from behind, my feet were pretty careful as they continued their advance and with just some few steps more, I'd reach my goal...
- Do not even think about it -she replied while placing the lights in the tree.
I feel a drop of sweat in my neck. How the hell she knew? I must admit that even though we are not fighting against gods anymore, June has catlike reflexes, not for nothing she was an Amazon.
I shake my head from those thoughts and despite the warning, I decide to hug her back and give her a big kiss on the cheek, which did not seem to bother her at all and in fact, she seemed to be waiting for it.
How did you know?
Shun ... I was, I am and I always will be an Amazon, do not try to fool me - she said with a smile and causing another one in me.
You're amazing, did you know that?
Yes, but I love to hear it from you.
Why have you decided to put Christmas today?
My question made her stop in her job and slowly, she let the rest of the decorations on the ground, just to rise again and lie on my chest.
- Well ... it's a special occasion, isn't it?
- Oh is it?
- Yes, I thought it was appropriate to give our house a more festive atmosphere.
- And what do we celebrate?
- Uh ... well ... we will soon have visitors and I think it is important to celebrate it with style - she told me as she turned and looked at me in the eyes.
- But ... Who's coming? – I asked not getting what she was telling me.
In response to my question, June took my hand and placed it on her belly with a smile.
- A friend who will join our family.
At hearing this, my eyes open wide as I immediately look at the belly of June with a huge surprise, and then I let my eyes travel to her face, which it greets me with an acknowledgment signal.
I do not know why, but after that, I decided that the best thing I could do was rise June from the ground and twirling in the air as she laughed. Apparently she was enjoying it, even though she asked me to take her down while laughing.
After that, we decided to spend a more intimate moment to celebrate the arrival of our future child...
Sometimes the best gifts come in small packages...