Here is the next installment in the Random Bits Series! I have been going to the movies a lot lately, so naturally it inspired this fic. Enjoy.
Random Bits 20 - Chapter 1
:Setting - Yuna and company have joined the throng storming the Luca Sphere Theater for the premier of a popular movie.:
:Location - Luca Sphere Theater - After five counts of pushing, ten counts of shoving, and one count of Bulldozing, the Guardians and their Summoner have arrived at their destination.:
There was a moderately sized line for the ticket counter when Yuna and her loyal Guardians arrived at the entrance to the Sphere Theater.
"I can't wait to see the movie. I heard from Brother that it's fantabulasitc!" Rikku chirped excitedly, adding yet another new word to the Al Bhed Teenager's Big Book of Slang.
"Look at that line," Tidus groaned like a loose floor board as they stepped through the doors.
"I told you we shouldn't have stopped at the Rin Inn on the way over."
"It's not a 'Rin Inn!" Auron snapped.
"It's a Travel Agency!" He hated the little Jecht Spawn's habit of referring to the Travel Agencies as 'Rin Inns'. It was almost as annoying as the boy's Lucky Dance.
"Whatever," Tidus said in a huff. He was going to just let the subject drop, but his biological clock decided it was time to go through the Rebellious Phase, so his mouth just seemed to open of its own volition.
"I can call it a Rin Inn if I want to. It's an Inn, and it's run by Rin, so it's a Rin Inn!" he replied petulantly.
The older Guardian stormed up to the blond until there was barely an inch of space between them and said,
"It's a Travel Agency, and if you don't stop referring to it in that manner, I'll…." the threat ran out of steam for a moment while the man desperately searched the dusty areas of his brain for a manual, or file, or something about dealing with teenage rebellion. He eventually found a heavy tome, dusted the cobwebs off, and flipped through the ragged pages. There it was. Step One :Issuing a verbal warning. Below it was a short column of helpful examples. That one looked good and threatening.
"I'll fix your little red wagon!" Auron intoned in a firm, quiet voice, just like the book instructed.
There was a moment of stunned silence before Tidus snorted in defiant amusement.
"Are you going to clean my clock, too?"
Thrown off balance by the unexpected response, Auron desperately referred back to the book. It wasn't much help, especially since, according to the publishing date, it was older than Methusela. Fortunately, the parents in Methusela's time took a more hands on approach to dealing with naughtiness. Auron quickly read Step Two. Now that was more like it!
Tidus could not believe that the Legenday Guardian could use such a lame line with a straight face. What was he, five years old? No self-respecting five-year old would have taken that threat seriously. Tidus out right laughed
"I've got some lights you can put out, and a block you can knock off-!" the bravado ended in a squeak as Auron raised the Hand of Justice in a very Threatening way and said
"It's a Travel Agency. Is that clear?"
Tidus eyed the Hand of Justice as it hovered over him like a storm cloud.
"Fine." he mumbled, "But I'm gonna do the Lucky Dance so we can get in fast-!"
"You aren't doing that dance!" Auron replied quickly.
"Oh, come on! There's a ton of people here. It's gonna take forever!" the boy replied defiantly.
"You don't have to watch me do the dance, you know!" The Legendary Guardian sniffed derisively,
"No, but you are in my presence. And people judge you by the company you keep. I'm not going to be labeled as an idiot by association!"
Tidus was about to make a witty retort, but Auron gave his such a dark look that his inner child wet its pants and put itself in Time-Out.
Yuna, the kind soul that she was, patted Tidus' arm, saying,
"It's not so bad. Most of them are from the Professional Sitters and Queuers League." Tidus gave a grunt of agreement. As has been mentioned before, Spira had special groups of people who were paid to literally sit, stand or walk around all day in every temple, city, and village. They had recently added the Chocobo Riders, Joggers, Trainees and, after much debate, Drinkers, to their list of professions.
Tidus did his best to keep himself entertained during the long wait. This was a challenge since things like hand held video games didn't exist in Spira. To pass the time, Tidus started out with the classic song parodies.
Ah, the song parody! Back in the Stone Age, before Gameboys, PSPs, in-car DVD players, and various MP3 players, children had to entertain themselves on the long bus rides home, in lines, or during car trips. Thus the myriad of humorously rude songs, and jokes were born. Hundreds of children on busses would sing "Joy to the World the Teacher's Dead", "Deck the Halls with Gasoline", "On Top of Old Smokey(All Covered In Blood)" and various renditions of the "Diarrhea" songs. (If anyone would like the lyrics, I will gladly share!)
There were also the wonderfully innocent sounding word or phrase that, when spoken while holding the tongue, turned into dirty words and phrases. Feel free to play along with the following: At the beginner's lever is the word "apple" (or "dumb apple" if you've played FF7 Crisis Core), and for the advanced tongue holder we have the phrase "I was born on a pirate ship". Sadly, these jokes and songs have fallen into obscurity due to technology, and parents with no sense of humor.
Armed with these tools, Tidus kept himself, and Wakka entertained for quite a while, until the Hand of Justice intervened. That left Tidus with I Spy, which didn't go over well since the object the Spy spied, often walked off before the Spyer could spy it. And Stone-Parchment-Dagger ended with Wakka and the former star player of the Zanarkand Abes not speaking to each other after Wakka accused Tidus of cheating. There had been some good-old-fashioned name-calling, which is much better than modern name-calling because it was much more creative.
Lulu and Auron had actually placed bets on who was going to win. Lulu was betting heavily on Wakka, who had invented half the insults known to the children of Besaid Village. He had become a legend after coming up with 'Fart Breath', and 'Toilet Head'. Auron on the other hand, bet on Tidus, who came from a whole other world with a mysterious slang language that was bound to yield some truly creative insults. To Yuna's distress, they had just stood by in silent anticipation as the war started. Wakka had started off with 'Stoopid Head', for which the pronunciation was key, and Tidus had countered with 'Big Fat Meanie', which was always a good, stinging retort since it worked on boys and girls alike.
Tidus got the upper hand with 'Butt Face', but was knocked down a peg when Wakka took things up a level with 'Your mother wears army boots!'. (which is a horrible insult for any child to know, if you actually know what it implies…) Though momentarily stunned, Tidus recovered magnificently and spat the ultimate fighting words : 'I'm rubber and you're glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you'. This simple phrase, spoken repeatedly (in response to any further insults) in a sing song tune can drive an enemy into a spitting rage. And when coupled with the Sticking of the Tongue, or Mocking Laughter, can reduce the opponent to frustrated tears.
In the ringing silence that followed, Lulu grudgingly handed Auron his 10Gil.
The line crawled along at a Neslug's pace, never quite standing still, yet never actually making any progress. Auron sighed as the minutes ticked by. Normally, he didn't mark the passage of time. When you were Unsent, you realized that your social calendar has suddenly become a blank sheet of paper with limitless possibilities. He literally had all the time in the world, so what was a few insignificant hours spent standing in line? It wasn't like he had anything else more pressing to do.
Not even Jecht got bored waiting in line. He was one of nature's natural born loafers (the kind that lounge lazily and idly, not the kind made of leather and found on feet). The man was a champion at slouching, slumping, and reclining in lines of any length. So what if he had to meet Yu Yevon for tea at two o' clock? Never do today what you can leave for tomorrow, right? Sometimes, Jecht would stand in line just for something to do. He had been approached by the Professional Sitters on several occasions and offered a one of Spira's easiest job opportunities. Jecht had declined on the basis that it was classified as work.
Auron was more worried about not finding good seats. Throughout the Universe, movie goers have struggled to get the best seats in the theatre. It is generally agreed that the seats right in the middle are the absolute best. From here, the lucky patrons can experience the full effect of surround sound. A close second are the seats in the back, which, while not receiving the full theatre experience, have an unrivaled view of the screen. People line up sometimes hours before the show just to make sure they don't end up Down Front. This section of the seating is the most dreaded in the whole theatre. Mere feet from the screen, the unlucky have to tip their head back at a 90 degree angle just to see. The worst part is that the picture isn't even clear, and the head must be turned to follow the out of focus action. About the only people who don't find these seats undesirable are kids, who are used to it on account of sitting so close to the t.v. at home anyway.
Auron ran his cycloptic gaze over his group. The signs of impatience were beginning to show. Two of the guys weren't speaking to each other, and the girls were practically bouncing in place, except for Lulu, for whom such activity was much to risky. Had the crimson eyed woman decided to jump up and down, or even jig in place, there was the real possibility that the neckline of her dress would have failed quite disastrously.
It was fifteen minutes until the start of 'FarplaneBoy 2: The Glass Militia', and they were nowhere near the ticket counter. The undead Warrior Monk would sooner kiss a Behmoth's rump than end up Down Front. He motioned to Kimahri and when the feline humanoid leaned down, began whispering in his fluffy ear.
Lulu knew something was up when she saw the two older 'Y's (X's for girls, Y's for guys. If you don't remember, it's genetics : male-XY, female-XX) conversing in hushed tones. Something was going to happen, and it was about time. This line was ridiculous! For the passed few minutes, Lulu had been severely tempted to set everyone ablaze and slip into the theatre during the ensuing panic. She wouldn't actually hurt anyone, just singe them a little. Auron caught her eye and gave her a nod. The signal traveled through the Guardians, skipping Yuna, who wouldn't have wanted to participate in anything sneaky.
The Legendary Guardian turned to Yuna and said,
"I'm going to take everyone to the concession stand while you and Kimahri get the tickets. That should speed things up a bit." He motioned for the other Guardians to follow him and headed for the concession stand.
Kimahri casually moved into position behind Yuna and suddenly scooped the surprised Summoner up. Bodies flew left and right as the Ronso marched up the line like a hairy juggernaut. Cries of surprise marked his progress as he plowed his way to the head of the line. A yellow-maned Ronso near the front offered a bit of resistance. He spun around to tell the jerk who shoved him to push off, but immediately recognized High Summoner Yuna from her statue on Mt. Gagazette, even though she didn't have her grand horn, and stepped meekly aside.
Kimahri dropped 35 Gil on the counter, held Yuna out at arm's length in front of the stunned receptionist and growled in a voice that spoke directly to the woman's inner prey animal,
"Seven tickets for Summoner Yuna." Yuna waved apologetically.
"I'm sorry,…Sir, but you don't have enough Gil!" the lady behind the counter quavered, while the small, furry animal part of her soul looked for a place to hide.
Kimahri followed the finger the woman tremulously pointed to the ticket prices with. It was a brightly colored signboard someone had decorated with various designs in the theme of Movie Theatre. The happy little doodles did nothing to soften the blow of the ticket prices (which were written in red, for the hard of seeing.) The tickets were 10 Gil apiece, according to the sign.
The receptionist suddenly found herself eyeball to nostril with an unhappy predator.
"Seven tickets; matinee price-!" Kimahri began and was cut off by Yuna. The fair haired girl put a hand on her Guardian's arm and said in a disappointed tremor that drove icicles into his soul,
"That's okay, Kimahri. We can come back another day."
Yes, what the Summoner said was true, but Kimahri would rather have been pink(which had happened before) than see his charge unhappy. He looked down at Yuna and patted her on the top of her head with one of his massive paws, then said to the woman in a voice with teeth in it,
"High Summoner Yuna wants seven tickets to 'FarplaneBoy 2' Half price." The woman gulped and said,
"Let me see what I can do…"
Poor Yuna! Everyone seems to use her status to their advantage.
I apologize for Tidus being out of character. I'm trying to work on making him less of an idiot, because he really wasn't in the game.