Q Comes Out As Asexual
Note: This is based on the rebooted movie-version of Q played by Ben Whishaw. As that character has not (correct me if I'm wrong here) mentioned being sexually attracted to anyone, he could be asexual. So I thought that would be an interesting contrast with James Bond, and I wrote up this little story. Hope you like it! By the way, I made up Q's real name, but the bit about the cats (you'll see it) comes from Spectre.
It was thoroughly unlike Q to be nervous, and today, he told himself, was no exception. After all, the whole reason he was telling James first was that they weren't close, which lowered the stakes; nor would they ever become close, no doubt, what with the other man's often deadly occupation. And then there was the time James had threatened to murder his cats– surely a joke, but just as surely mean-spirited.
He went through the usual routine, handing out the mission's gadgets. He was hopeful James might make some god-awful innuendo so he could bring up his own feelings, but for once the man was all business, even when Q deliberately polished the arms of his glasses in the most suggestive manner he could. Which perhaps wasn't all that suggestive, given his inexperience, but then he had seen his share of unfortunate Internet ads, despite the extra security on his device.
"Q?" James had stopped at the door.
"…Yes?"
"Did you want to say something?"
Well, hell, you'd hardly advance to 007 if you couldn't read people.
"Er, yes." Q straightened up, suddenly all too aware of his own poor posture. And what had he been doing with his hands? He settled for clasping them behind his back. "I'm asexual. I just wanted to tell someone."
"Asexual?"
"Yes. It means," and here Q finally felt he was on solid ground, "that I don't feel sexually attracted to anyone. Ever."
James did not merely raise his eyebrows; rather his expression was as if Q had claimed that breathing air was overrated.
"Look here," Q went on, "you're straight, right?"
James shrugged. "Mostly. But occasionally I've made an exception, with very encouraging results."
Q sighed. "Well, look, you're not attracted to – to trees, are you? Please tell me you're not attracted to trees." James nodded, amused but perplexed. Q went on. "Well, that's how I feel about trees and people. I can see that some people are pretty, but only in the way I can see that some trees are pretty - it doesn't make me want to kiss them or anything like that, in either case. Do you like cake?", Q added suddenly.
"No, not particularly. Rather childish in my opinion. Reminds me of old birthday parties."
"But everyone likes cake! We've evolved to like it! What you really mean is you haven't had the right sort of cake yet. I'll make you a cake, and…"
"For God's sake, Q! I don't want any bloody cake!"
Q smirked. "Now you know how I feel." He put out his hand. "I don't think we've ever been properly introduced, by the way. I suppose there's no need to ask if you can keep a secret? Well, then. The name's Harper. Simon Harper."
"At your service."