Homeward Bound
"No, I read it in a business journal" Rebecca Howe was telling Sam Malone as they came in from the back room and walked behind the bar at Cheers. "It's supposed to help engage the customers and create a rapport with them."
"If you want rapport, you can re-pour me another beer" Norm Peterson said from his stool.
"You know Sammy," Cliff Clavin pointed out "Rebecca may have a point. They do games over at Gary's." Sam gave Cliff a look of scorn at the mention of his competitor. "I mean I hear they do them there. I wouldn't know from experience, of course."
"I'll show you how smart our customers are" Sam told Rebecca. He pulled three clean mugs, filled two and set them down in front of the three regulars; Paul Krapence was given the empty. "Okay guys, find the empty beer mug."
Norm downed his. "It wasn't that one."
Cliff drank his. "It wasn't that one either."
"Now by the powers of deduction, it must have been Paul's that was empty" Sam boasted. "See how smart we are?"
"Oh, come on Sam" Rebecca pleaded. "Just do one and see what happens."
"Okay, just one. Listen up everyone!" Sam announced. "We're going to play one game to make Rebecca happy; the good Lord knows it's the only way we're going to be able to do it. I've got a mystery for you to solve, and you have to take turns asking questions. I can only answer 'yes' or 'no'. If I answer with 'yes' you get to ask another question. You can solve the mystery on your turn only. Anyone who wants to play can come over to this side of the bar." Frasier and Lilith Crane joined Woody Boyd alongside Paul, Cliff and Norm.
"Okay," Sam started "here's the mystery; a man wants to go home but he can't because a man with a mask is there. Okay Woody, start us off."
"Is the man at home wearing a mask?" Woody asked.
"Yes Woody, but we already know that. You have to ask a question that someone hasn't yet."
"No one asked that question, but okay. Is the man who wants to go home wearing a mask?"
"No, he isn't. Frasier?"
"Maybe he's delusional. Is the man at home actually wearing a mask?"
"Yes, I think we've covered that now."
"Is the man who wants to go home married?"
"I don't think that makes any difference, ask another question" Sam answered.
"It might, depending on who he was married to." Frasier chuckled, caught Lilith's stern look and stopped. "Sorry dear, just trying to probe the psychological motivation of the man. Is the man who wants to go home tied down or encumbered in any way?"
"No. Lilith?"
"I'll try Frasier's method. Is the man who wants to go home afraid of masks?" she asked.
"No. Paul?"
"I'd probably do a lot better if that last beer mug wasn't empty. Is the man afraid of the man with the mask?"
"No. Cliff?"
"It's a little known fact that most people won't enter a house if they know it's being burglarized. Is the man in the mask a burglar?"
"No. Norm?"
"We, if it was person with a mask I'd say it might be Vera with her beauty mask on. Umm, will be the man with the mask hurt the man if he runs home?"
"No. Woody?"
"Is there a masquerade ball going on at the man's home?"
"No. Frasier?"
"This is very complex. Is the man with the mask waiting for the man to run home?"
"Yes. Ask another."
"Is the man with the mask going to pursue the man who wants to run home when he sees him?"
"No. Lilith?"
"Frasier, I'm surprised you haven't tried to determine how the mask feels about it." Frasier frowned, much to Lilith's delight. "All right, would the man have run home if the man with the mask wasn't there?"
"Yes. Go again."
"Does the man with the mask have something that makes him dangerous to the other man?"
"Yes, keep going."
"Does he have a weapon?"
"Who?" Sam asked for clarification.
"Oh, sorry…the man with the mask."
"No. Paul?"
"Does anyone have a weapon?"
"I haven't showered today" Norm interjected as he raised his arm and sniffed underneath.
"Notwithstanding Norm's BO, no. Cliff?"
Just then a beautiful woman dressed as a flight attendant walked into the bar and stood while Rebecca went to greet her and Sam watched. "Okay, let's hurry the game up folks. New customer and all that. I'm not supposed to do this, but I'll give you a clue; it's a profession that's near and dear to my heart. Come on Cliff."
"Ah Sammy, I should have guessed. Is the man in the mask a mailman?"
"No, no connection to the postal service anywhere in this game. Norm?"
"Is the man who wants to run home a baseball player?"
"Yes! Hurry up, Norm."
"Did the man in the mask break into his house while he was playing a game?"
"No! Oh man, I thought we were getting somewhere. Woody, please?"
"I don't know Sam, I can't think why a baseball player would want to run home. Did he leave his stove on when he left?"
"No Woody" Sam said, exasperated. "Fraser?"
"Is it Halloween?"
"No! No! No! Lilith, put me out of my misery please."
"Well, my knowledge of the sport is completely rudimentary at best, but is the man with the mask a baseball catcher?"
"YES."
"And will he tag the man out if he runs home because he has the ball?"
"Yes! Thank you, Lilith wins, we all are one big family full of rapport, if you'll excuse me…" Sam quickly said as he made his way from behind the bar and over to the customer just in time to see her leave.
"She was listening to the game you guys were playing" Rebecca explained. "She said she's not very good at mental games and didn't want to get embarrassed.
"Then she would have fit right in" Sam bemoaned.
The End
A/N: I used to watch this show occasionally. I liked it okay, but never cared for Sam's womanizing personality. But the play between the characters was pretty good, and I did manage to watch the finale when it showed. It seemed like a good place to host a Story With a Hole, so here we are.