Disclaimer: I own nothing but my weird ideas.

Summary: Gaara can't get a certain blonde out of his head. He decides that perhaps it time he tried his hand at romance, be scared, very scared.

Gaara's insane attempt at romance

Gaara's teal eyes scanned the books on the shelf, he paused as he noticed a title that suited him. He had been looking through the action and violence section, but had somehow got lost and found himself in the romance section. the book that caught his eye was one that seemed to be very useful, especially for a fifteen year old boy who even though he may not have looked it, was very very hormonal, he was going through puberty and he thirsted for something other than blood, he thirsted for a certain blonde that had changed his life and his outlook on life.

A hormal teenager is a dangerous thing in itself but a hormonal psychotic teenager was deadly and really quite disturbing. Gaara had more hormones than any normal person could ever have, and to top it off somehow he had turned into a pervert more lecherious than Jiraiya. Naruto should have been scared but he didn't know that he was the obsession of Gaara, he didn't know about the weird and varied things the redhead wished to do to him. And perhaps he should be thankful for that.

A small smile graced his lips as he read the title over again, Basic Romance For Insane Murderers, by Itachi Uchiha He took the book out and flipped through the pages, they seemed informative and useful so he purchased the book. He needed ideas after all if he was to win the heart of the one he loved more than blood, and that wasn't a very easy thing to say because the redhead adored blood.

Chapter one- Getting your loved one to notice you
Once you have decided who you should be obsessed with you should first get to know your intended victim, that includes; following them around, sifting through their garbage, and stealing their underwear. This may be classified as stalking to some but it is not, it is a necessary step in getting to know your loved one well.
If however you have already got to to know your prey and know everything about them including which side of the bed they sleep in, then you are ready to go on to the next step.
Step 1-Gifts.
Giving a gift shows that you care, that you love them, it is not hard to find a gift if you know them extremely well. Gifts could be; severed heads , body parts, paintings made of blood, small squashed animals.
It depends on the person, but beware sometimes they may take offence, be scared, and or hate you for the rest of your life, but don't be put off, at least they know that someone is thinking of them.
Remember, never ever ever gift them the gift in person instead leave it somewhere where they will find it, ie; their doorstep, on their table or if you are daring enough, in their bed.

Gaara nodded finding this advice very useful, who would have thought these type of gifts would be welcome, he had always assumed that people who weren't insane murderers would like flowers and chocolate and other disgusting things, but the book said that these nice gifts were more welcome so he would follow the advice, because books never lie.

Gaara smiled in a happy crazed sort of way as he laid down a dead rabbit on Naruto's door before ringing the doorbell and leaving quickly, he didn't want to get caught after all.

He had been leaving various dead animals on his doorstep each day for a week and he hoped that the blonde would be pleased at his thoughtfulness.

He was sure that soon the blonde would be declaring his love for him and then they would go back to his apartment and.........

||||Gaara daydream|||||
Oh Gaara my hunky murderer i love you! How could i have ever have missed it? Your so hot and deadly and all that killing really turns me on! Naruto cried as he clung to Gaara's arm, in an extremely submissive and feminine act.
Gaara was smirking in a handsome rugged sort of a way, he did not know how Naruto could have ever hated him. He was after all a sex god with dashing good looks and a deadly attitude.
I'll make it up to you my extremely handsome mass murderer! Naruto declared as he ripped off his clothes.

Gaara sighed happily as his dream went X rated his hormones taking control of his overactive imagination. As he was daydreaming of things that would make many people blush he did not see what was happening above his hiding place in a bush.

Naruto sighed as he opened his door, he prayed that it was a person instead of a dead creature.

He was starting to get sick of having dead animals appear on his doorstep, perhaps it was some sick joke played by a kid, or perhaps he was being haunted by the bunny of death because he had killed one only weeks before by accident. He hoped it was the first because being haunted was scary! He looked down at his welcome mat and there on it, as he suspected was a dead bunny.

He picked it up and smelled it, it seemed fresh and he could feel it was still warm so that meant it had been killed only minutes before, he shrugged his shoulders and decided that perhaps it was time he tried out a new recipe, Rabbit Ramen.

As Gaara came down from his dream world he realised he had missed the Naruto and look of delight when he found his present. Perhaps it was time he went on to step two, pulling the small book out from in his clothes he flipped to the right page and started reading.

Step 2- Death threats
Many people may think that love poetry would work best but death threats work just as well. They are simple and easy to make and can make all the difference in getting your crush to notice you. Comparing your loved one to things you like, such as blood, it is a dead cert and is very romantic, be as poetic and as threatening as possible. And once you have finished it remember to sign it with something other than your name, such as; your dear older brother, or if you are unimaginative; anonymous stalker. Whatever suits you well but does not give anything away, and remember writing it in blood is good but writing it in the blood of their loved ones gives it that personal touch!
Here's an example that i wrote:
To my little avenger
Did you like the way i killed our family?
Wasn't me chopping their heads off an artistic touch?
Come kill me if you can. I'll be waiting.
From
Your loving older brother
This however is only an example and should not be used, you should make up your own!

Gaara found this advice extremely useful as he took out piece of paper and a Kunai, he knew that Naruto had no family so he couldn't kill them and use their blood, he couldn't use his own blood because nothing could get through the layer of sand, so he decided that he would use some blood of the creature he had killed as tomorrows present. Slicing it open he dipped the Kunai in it and started scrawling and scratching at the paper.

 To my Demonic Kitsune.
I'm going to kill you, its going to be slow.
Don't say a word to anyone, i'll know.
I'm going to hurt you, its going to fun.
I'm coming for you, you better run.
From
Your Psychotic Sex Machine.

Gaara found his poem very nice, it was threatening and it showed he cared enough to kill him and it even rymed. Yes he was pleased, he rolled it up and hopped down from the roof slipping it through the gap under Naruto's door, quickly he rung the doorbell and hid behind a bush.

Naruto looked around as he opened the door finding no one there so he looked down, he didn't think he would have another dead animal till tomorrow, he saw a small scroll and picked it up, reading it he paled finding it extremely disturbing. He had a stalker, a horny stalker, perhaps it was time to set up some traps...