She sat on her bed, the mattress springs creaking lightly under what little weight was being put on them. Teardrops slowly fell down her tired, worn out face, a face that had no life anymore. The once happy, gorgeous complexion was now devoid of anything, wasted away into nothing, just a lifeless shell. Drained of any emotion. The pale, fragile girl looked dead, like a corpse- she had been for awhile, longer than she could remember. Her bright blue eyes used to be as beautiful as the sea, but now they were lifeless, almost grey. Everyone used to be envious of her glossy, long blonde hair, but now it sat limp and greasy on her protruding shoulders, patches of hair missing from her scalp. Nobody ever saw it though, nobody noticed the signs, apart from her parents. Until it was too late. Then everybody noticed.

She barricaded the doors shut, only coming out for food. They gave up soon after, at least happy that she ate. They didn't know that she nearly always threw it up instantly as soon as she'd eaten it.

Some people would say that she had shit parents. She was just glad they left her alone.

She traced the bumpy scars across her arm, most of them old, but some still fresh. They travelled up her forearm, to her chest, stomach, legs and a couple on her neck from when she attempted to slice her neck open, hoping to bleed to death. It didn't work; her parents broke in after they heard choking, and were distraught at what they found. A couple months in a institute, with her proving that she was 'okay' and it returned back to normal. Oh, but nothing was okay. Nothing in her life would ever be 'okay'.

She hadn't left the house since.

The blonde managed to stand up, actually standing although shakily, in the mirror. The girl smiled, tears still slowly falling, looking at the bones sticking out of her arms. Taking the hem of her t-shirt, she pulled it up, touching her ribs lightly, savouring the feel of no fat. She liked the feel of the bones sticking out, it created a sort of 'glow' inside. The young teen's stomach caved in unnaturally, but she loved it- she felt almost skinny. She was nearly there, but nothing would ever be enough, until she was reduced to skin and bones. That's all she wanted, really.

To be beautiful.

Sighing, she fell on the bed, spots forming all over her eyes. She had used up most of her energy standing up, making her feel weak and tired. She hated it. Feeling weak. A battle in her head.

She tried to scream but no words came out. Just a pained whisper. She put her hands into fists, clenching them near her face. weakweakweakweak.

Why was she so weak?

The blonde turned on her back, resting her hand on the bed when she regained a tiny bit of strength to do so. Her hand settled on one of the larger, older blood stains on the bed, the hardened blood making the under sheet of the bed feel crispy. It stunk, but she didn't notice the smell. She didn't notice much anymore. Some days were just a blank, a haze in her disfigured memory. It was almost as if she saw in black and white, everything was dull.

Silence filled the room as always, the sound of her ragged breath and slow heartbeat pounding through her ears. Nobody was here to make a sound, she thought with a slight chuckle. All alone. As always...

Closing her eyes, she reopened them again wide, before sitting up, almost like a zombie. She staggered, standing up slowly as to not exert herself. She needed to do this. While she had the courage. She needed to prove that she wasn't weak.

Leaning onto the rough set of wooden drawers for support, she reached for her camera, fiddling with the buttons. Her hands were shaking, she didn't know what she was doing anymore. It was like a routine, something that she was determined to do. That she had to do. She... she had to prove...

She put the camera back down. facing her. The red blinking light flashed, prompting her to start speaking, to say her final words. These needed to be her final words. This world had no place for her anymore. She forced herself to stay standing, despite her body's refusal. After pausing for a few seconds, she looked straight into the lens of the camera, eyes blinking ferociously.

Forcing a smile, she managed to croak out a hoarse 'hi'. A single tear slipped down her face, as she quickly wiped it away, her hand shaking worse than before. The pale girl looked straight into the lens, no emotion passing through her cold face.

"I was already dead long ago. I'm sorry, but this is something I had to do. If you look under this video tape, you'll find a note."

The timid girl bent down, picking up something from the floor. Her hands found the gun, the coolness seeping into her sweating hands.

"Bye."

Bringing up to her head, her arms shaking like crazy, she pulled the trigger, hard and fast. She couldn't think twice. Then she'd never do it.

The fight in her heart was long gone, the battle in her head was finally over. Finally.

She couldn't go on anymore, an endless cycle of pain and suffering. She was alone and always would be, and she could finally be alone in peace. She was at last happy.

Her body was still for a couple seconds as her eyes glazed over, before a single drop of blood fell to the floor, and her body crashed along with it.

Blood spread through the cracks on the floorboards, pooling around her head.

Time stopped; the wind stopped moving, the birds stopped chirping. For a split second time stilled, and nothing could be heard. But suddenly, after a short while it resumed again. The birds chirped beautifully outside, completely unaware of the life that had just been taken.

After a few hours, heartbeats could finally be heard in the house again.

Her mom clung to her body, sobbing that she wasn't a good enough mother to her only remaining daughter.

Her dad cried for the first time in years.

To whoever is reading this;

I am deeply sorry. But I could just not go on anymore. This world has too much pain, too much suffering. Nobody really gives a damn.

After I lost Kairi, my sister... I lost myself.

I know that you'll never understand, I couldn't expect you to. Even if I had told somebody; nobody could save me. I was too far gone.

Mum, and Dad; don't blame yourselves. You were too wrapped up in the sudden death of Kairi, even for years after, to notice how bad I was getting. I don't blame you. She was always your favourite.

I felt like I had a dark could looming over me, constantly. I couldn't escape. No matter how hard I tried.

I always saw the worst to everything, I guess. The good things were always overpowered by the bad things. The voices in my head won, in the end.

I thought I was getting better when I met Roxas. He was like a light in my world. The physical scars were left to heal, and the mental ones began to. That small part of me that I lost, when Kairi died... It was starting to feel less gaping.

Then Roxas got cancer.

He left me, too.

I'm sorry for being a shit friend to everyone that used to be a friend to me. I'm sorry for being shit at everything I do. I'm sorry for being fat. I'm sorry for being worthless. I'm sorry for being annoying.

I'm sorry for being a sick excuse for a daughter.

I'm sorry.

Nami.

x

Dear Roxas;

I know you'll never get this, since you're not here anymore. Hah. I used to write in my diary a lot about you. Here, I'll show you. Maybe it'll help you understand how much I missed you.

May 13th, 2010.

It's been a day now, since you've been gone. I think.. I'll be okay. It barely feels like you've left; I keep waiting for you to come sneaking through the window, but you never will... Will you?

The bed feels cold without you.

I feel like everything is surreal, like it's all a dream. Oh god, if only it was a dream. The harsh reality is that you're dead, and gone. Left this world too early, left a gaping hole in my heart, and I need you, I fucking need you. Our relationship was never perfect, that was a given, but what relationship is? Our arguments never lasted long, always ending up with both of us apologising over and over again.

I mostly miss your happy smile. Everything seems dull now that you're gone.

I slept on your side of the bed last night, the side you'd always sleep on, taking comfort in your unmistakeable scent. I hope you don't mind me sleeping with your clothes. At least when I'm dreaming, I dream of you.

I keep replaying the last time we talked in my head.

You called me an idiot for worrying about you.

I wish you'd told me about the cancer. You left it until a few days... and...

Missing you x

x

May 20th, 2010.

It's been seven days, twelve hours and thirteen minutes since you left my side on this earth.

I spend countless hours staring out the window. I can't sleep, baby. Not without your warm body by mine. I can't eat, either; I'm just not hungry anymore.

I would give anything for you to come back. I need you so fucking much. I took you for granted when you were alive; I didn't love you as much as I should have, and you deserved more than me. I didn't hate myself as much as much when I was around you.

I wonder, if we had never met; would I still be alive?

If we hadn't have met, I wouldn't be feeling dead inside. But never, in a million years, would I regret a second I spent with you. You had my heart from day one.

Do you remember when I proposed, on top of that hill? When I promised that we'd be together, forever?

I guess I broke my promise.

I started smoking again.

And cutting.

I know you'd be royally pissed, but it takes the edge off. It's slightly helping me to cope. Though without you, I never see myself coping.

I'm pretty much nothing without you.

But I will say this; nobody told me it would hurt this much.

I feel so numb without you. And I know nothing will bring you back, but I would gladly swap my life for yours.

The walls are filled with fist shaped holes... I'm angry, really angry, and lonely, and I need you to make everything better with your soft blue eyes and dazzling smile.

I wish I could hear your voice one last time. I need to.

Sorry if this is hard to read. I'm crying for the fifth time today. The pain just won't stop.

Slowly dying here, baby x

x

June 5th, 2010

It's been 29 days since my heart was ripped out.

I'm still living, unfortunately.

My body is covered in cuts.

You always called the scars beautiful.

I dream of you every night. You never leave my mind.

I miss you more than ever before.

I still see your bright blue eyes every second I'm awake. Sometimes I'd hear your voice, and completely forget you're gone.

I still vividly dream that moment when we kissed for the first time. I felt like I was on drugs then. Really, the drug was you, and now I'm going through intense withdrawal...

I remember the soft sand under my feet, and the calming sound of the waves crashing against the beach. Your eyes were bright and basically glowing because you were so happy. I was too. The rush when our lips touched sent sparks of desire rushing through me. I never wanted anyone like I wanted you then. The feel of your hot breath against my ear. The smell of sweet ocean air. The sound of pleasurable moans. The taste of your skin. The look of pure love in your eyes.

That was the moment when we first made love, too.

It was perfect.

I miss them times so much.

And, as always, I miss you more.

You are the only thing that ever crosses my mind anymore.

I can't eat. I can't sleep.

Maybe I could love myself again if I was skinny.

I need to be beautiful.

Instead I'm just weak.

Barely surviving baby x

x

July 16th, 2010

I think.. I don't know how long you've been gone. A couple months?

I'm not really keeping track anymore.

The days and night pass like clockwork.

I'm wasting away.

I'm losing more weight. The fat is starting to strip away.

I'm starting to become beautiful for you.

Baby, I still miss you.

I still feel the kisses that you left against my neck countless times on end. I only wear your clothes. I only sleep on your side of the bed.

Your clothes are starting to lose your scent.

I can't deal with this.

I don't care anymore. My body is scarred beyond repair. But I don't care.

I really don't.

If you were here, you'd be telling me to get myself together and stop fucking around.

Well, YOU'RE NOT HERE.

I try so hard to forget the fact that you're gone, but the realisation just hits me.

And..

Fuck this...

I'm slowly killing myself baby x

x

I don't know the fucking date.

I'm losing myself, baby.

I need you more than ever.

Please, fucking save me, I'm a mess.

My days are filled with nightmares. I keep visualising everything, from Kairi's death to yours. I'm beginning to hallucinate. I see you. Only for you to be taken away.

I NEED YOU. I FUCKING NEED YOU.

I've destroyed myself.

Please come back.

I need you more than I ever did before.

Why did you have to die...

I'm dead inside, baby x

x

You can see I miss you. Too much.

As I'm writing this, I am sitting on my bed, with only you on my mind.

The cars whizz by, unknowing that soon, there's going to be a dead body in here soon.

But don't be sad baby.

You'll be seeing me soon.

They said when they undressed you, to get you ready for the funeral, that the only thing they found in your pockets was a box, with a promise ring inside.

The exact same one I had given you five years prior.

You had planned to give it to me on our anniversary. You'd made an exact copy. But you had to be rushed into hospital a couple days before, as you'd collapsed. The cancer had accelerated. You died that night. You couldn't even make our anniversary.

I'm staring at the ring, teary eyed, and I try to keep my hand steady enough to write this.

The time I had on earth with you was perfect.

It's just fate that we didn't have long on it together. I knew I'd never survive without you. I loved you too much. You are my world, my light, my everything.

And as I write this last sentence, just know that I love you so fucking much. The day you died, I died too, because you had my heart from the start. You did so much for me, and I'm grateful.

Whoever finds this, just know;

Don't end up like me.

Don't waste what time you have left.

I'm sorry, but I can't continue my life anymore.

I'm coming home baby x