Because You First Loved Me

Being in a hallway was never easy. Noise, chatter, noise, screaming, noise, laughter. It all sounded the same. Happy. No matter what went on, I knew I wasn't a part of it. I was outside of that happy noise. I was just watching. From afar. With dulled, sullen eyes.

Some would think I was always boring, sad, or cold even. I was probably misunderstood. Taken for granted. As far as I knew, no one cared to understand, to look my way, to hear me out. And I was fine with that.

But another part of me, deep down, hated that.

I've been through the same routine for years. When someone needed an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, I was there, even if I didn't want to be, or didn't know what to do or what to say. But as soon as I tried to reach out, silently asking for someone to return the favor, I was nothing but a transparent shadow with a voice that was nothing but a still, small breeze. Because of them, my smiles felt nothing but empty and wasted. I can't even fathom why I even made the effort to smile. What was my reasoning?

I didn't want to worry others, that much was true… But now that I think on it, the real reason was simple…

I had finally, subconciously realized that no one would care to open their ears if I told them I wasn't okay.

But then, you came into my life. I never knew what to expect when I met you. You seemed cold, impatient, and your view on things were sometimes far different from mine. But even so, you were composed, conscious of those around you, and despite how cold your body was, to me, I kept learning that you had a special sort of warmth.

From then on, it didn't matter how much you pushed me away, acted like a jerk, made me for a fool with my creativity that I've finally begun to love and appreciate more. It didn't matter. All that mattered was that you were there.

You were there for me, and you showed it in the most simplest of ways.

You always had my back. You don't know how much I appreciated it when you would support me, pull me up when I felt I was falling. It never was often you did that, and it's still not very often. I would love it if you did so more, but I still appreciate the few, important situations you make a huge effort in helping me out of. Your hand and your embrace is my sense of security.

You always helped me see things in a different point of view. That alone has helped me want to strive to be more tolerant of everything. I still don't know where or which areas those are in, but I know I want to find them. I just won't completely cross the line, if I see fit that I shouldn't.

And more importantly, you sat there. You gave me eye contact. You listened. I was finally allowed to be honest with someone, to be honest with myself. It was always harder for me to understand something or someone if I didn't talk about it, let alone it be about myself.

But that's what you gave me. You've allowed me to cry if I so wanted, to express my anger through tantrums if my cool composure was starting to break, to state my unspoken opinions that I've never been able to speak before. You gave me that warm embrace that I always so desperately needed but never received when I gave. You gave me hope. You gave me life.

You gave me freedom.

I've never been good at expressing my feelings, my emotions. Those delicate, yet deadly things that tend to break and build me so easily. I always felt the need to build a thick, brick wall around those bottled up tears and smiles, but oh-so-quickly, did those feelings overflow and bust through that darned wall when they were finally given the chance.

But now, I'm glad that happened. If it weren't for you allowing me to do such things, I probably would have drowned and long been completely dead inside. I wouldn't have had the hope that anyone would try to revive me, to hold me and shout the words "I need you!"

I'm not saying you did such a thing, but that's the best way to describe it. It'd only be a blessing if you could just tell me those three words and mean it. It's always hard for me to know if you mean something or not too, unless you're openly serious.

I suppose I should stop beating around the bush, unless you've caught on by now. I just really want to thank you.

Thank you for listening. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for everything you've done for me. Overall…

Thank you for being my best friend.

What I really mean by that is that I love you.

I REALLY love you.

You have no idea how much I love you, un. To put it simply

"Darn it, un," blond eyes furrowed as he erased the sentence he started, along with the "un" right before it. This had to be the ten millionth time (exaggerated, of course) he had to erase his words because of that stupid "un" he kept writing in. Was the "un" in his speech really so consistent to the point where he had to write the word? The bomber went back to writing after brushing and blowing the eraser shavings away from white and blue lined paper.

"To put it simply…"

"To put what simply, brat?" a voice sounded from right next to his ear.

"GAH! FRIGGIN' CRAP, DANNA!" Deidara jumped nearly ten feet from his seat and did the best he could to cover the paper he wrote on. "What are you doing here, un?"

"Well, I was reading the newspaper until you started mumbling to yourself," the scorpion of the red sand replied. He seemed to be shoulder surfing his companion. "So what is it that you're writing anyways?"

"Why do you care, un?"

"I don't. I just have every right to know what you're up to, brat. Now, tell me," Sasori demanded, his face mere inches away from Deidara's. The blond made an effort to lean away from his venomous stare, to avoid the solid brown eyes, to hide the rush of heat starting to boil under his skin. "What are you writing?"

"N-nothing for you to be concerned about, un!"

"Uh huh…" The puppet master pulled back. Deidara was happy to have him away from his face. It was too late to hope that his Danna didn't see his reddened cheeks, but the least he prayed for was that he couldn't feel the heat seeming to emanate from it.

'Good thing he's a puppet… un…' he reassured himself.

"Well, if you're not going to tell me, then I'll just have to force you to give me the paper," Akasuna no Sasori's words caught Deidara's responding question short as he tore the paper from under the blond's hands.

"Wh-wha? N-no, un! It's not finished!" he shouted as his master read through the letter. Attempts at stealing the letter back were made, only to be stopped by the puppeteer. The whole time though, the red-head read the words written in pencil, read through the smears of the bad-quality rubber eraser. Time seemed to slow and to last an eternity to the ex-terrorist. He only wished that time would be fleeting again. To have this awkward moment over as quickly as possible now that he had no choice but to admit defeat.

Finally, that time had sped up to it's original pace. "Deidara…" Sasori asked slowly, "who is this letter for?"

Still defeated, there was no chance for the blue-eyed young man to hide anything about the letter from his Danna. "It's… It's for you, Sasori no Danna… un…"

Silence overtook the moment. Deidara could feel a huge bulge form inside his throat. Sweat beaded it's way over his palms, his palm mouths licking away the salty dew in hopes of stopping it. Suddenly, Sasori let go of the blond and walked out of the bedroom, paper in hand. The bomber just sat there, baffled, confused, scared, anxious…

'Danna's going to kill me, un…'

Just as quickly as he left, the puppet master came walking back in. What he was up to, the younger would never know.

"Brat," Sasori started, "what was the last line you were about to write?"

"The-the last line?" Deidara repeated, receiving a nod from the elder. He gulped. "I was going to write… I will love you more, because you first loved me… un…"

"You brat..."

"I, uh, heh heh, Danna, I…"

"You're supposed to tell me that after my question."

Blue eyes blinked, looking back at brown eyes. "Wh-what, un?"

"You heard me," the puppet man reached his free hand out from his sleeve and opened a small, velvet box, revealing a gold band. "I'm not good at this stuff, but… Will you marry me, Deidara?"

"What…?" he asked again as Sasori's words rung in Deidara's ear like a never-ending explosion.

"I need you. I love you. Don't make me say it again," the red-head retorted rudely, yet somehow, the blond could catch the purest drops of sincerity in each word. "Now answer my question."

The blond couldn't take it anymore. A grin crept its way across his young face as he suddenly jumped up and tackled a startled Sasori to the ground in a bear hug.

"I will, un!" Deidara laughed. "I'll love you more, because you first loved me, un!"

Author's Note: So! Funny story! This is my first time writing a shounen-ai fanfic! It's so very contradictory of me because I don't like yaoi/yuri…. Heck, I don't even know why I wrote it as shounen-ai.

Sorry if Deidara is slightly OOC. This is all based on something more important, so I ask that you excuse this just this once.

Anyways, I just want to say that this one shot is dedicated to my best friend. I wanted to let her know just how much I love and appreciate her, and this was just the best way to convey that (with that touch of shounen-ai with one of her favorite pairings that she loves so much). But yes, all of those words in italics were my true feelings, all on my sleeve. She's such an amazing friend and has always been there for me during the years we've known each other, and I could never ask for a better friend. She's a sister to me. I love all that she does and it would only be a blessing if she continued to do what she does for me, or more so of it. But that's too much to ask for, isn't it? However, in turn, I want to do all I can for her. I owe her everything

In short, the best way to explain how I feel is "I will love you more, because you first loved me." That phrase just fit my feelings perfectly, and this is what became of it.

I don't expect any reviews. I don't expect anyone to understand. I just hope to have my feelings reach out to someone that I love very, very much.

My beloved friend,

Thank you, again, for being there for me. Thank you for being the very first person to listen to me when I desperately needed it. Thank you for being the first person outside of my family to really love and understand me, and to let me let you understand me. I know I can be very dishonest with mostly myself, and with others of my well-being, or annoying, or irritating sometimes, or even just a handful-if I am, please let me know-but being with you makes me feel so much more loved and I never feel lonely around you or when I talk to you. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you for being alive.

I love you.