"Why?!" Flame Princess yelled brusquely at Finn as he backed away into the kitchen counter. "WHY, WHY, WHY?!"
Finn was beginning to learn why nobody respects women.
"I, uh…" Finn tried to find the words but FP's anger and sweltering heat began to make his head spin. Suddenly, he remembered something very important.
"Oh yeah!" remarked Finn aloud with glee. "You're just a dumb woman, you have no control!" With that, he smacked her across the face with a nearby rolling pin, giggling childishly.
This only angered Flame Princess more. There was no one around who she could play the victim to. Jake was out doing drugs with his kids, and the Banana Guards were only good for licking Princess Bubblegum's self-righteous asshole, so there was no point in contacting them for assistance. So Flame Princess devised a scheme that only a dumb fuck like Finn would fall for because he doesn't chemistry: burn his dick off with her flaming vagina.
"Make me a sandwich you worthless cunt!" Finn teased, sniggering. With that, the irrational inferno snatched Finn like a toy doll and slammed him hard on the floor, nearly knocking him unconscious. She lit his pants aflame with a touch of her finger. "Oh Grod!" screamed Finn, writhing in pain. Flame Princess then spread her legs and began to rape the innocent boy.
Flame Princess' voluptuous molten hips sporadically coursed up and down as she grinned in demonic pleasure. "How the fuck does that feel, pretty boy?!" She curiously inquired. "You still like cunt, you cunt?!"
"IT FEELS LIKE THE SINGLE WORST PAIN I'VE EVER FELT IN MY LIFE!" Finn screamed as he writhed around, his flesh now dripping onto and molding with the floor like plastic.
Suddenly a bunch of small, white-colored Finns crawled out of his ball-sack and ran around crying profusely. "Why Daddy, why?! Why did you cheat on future mommy?!"
"I'm not your future MOMMY!" Flame Princess instantly shot flame beams from her hands, evaporating the yet-to-exist little ones.
Finn wailed like a bitch as the bitch hopped up and down against his melting cock. Suddenly he spotted his signature green knapsack to his right. He tried to grab it, but found it just beyond his reach. FP began to moan as she got closer to finishing. Now's my chance! thought Finn. He punched her in the jaw and threw her off of him. She hissed in pain like a snake, rubbing her jaw. Finn quickly moved toward his right and reached into the bag, pulling out his sword.
"Take this you fucking whore!" he bellowed as he ran toward her like a Japanese soldier, thrusting the blade deep into her abdomen. She shrieked deliriously, her eyes rolling into her head. "You like to be penetrated now you sick fucking bitch!" Finn shouted, pulling and pushing it back inside her.
In Finn's retaliation, he had forgotten one significant detail. Flame Princess also bleeds fire. The flames came rushing out of FP's gut as she fidgeted uncontrollably, trying to stop the bleeding. Two drops of fire hit Finn directly in the eyes, causing him to drop his sword and cover them.
"OWWWWW!" Finn exclaimed, stumbling around like a schizoid son of a bitch. He barreled directly toward the kitchen window and crashed right through it, leaving his skin perforated by glass shards. He spiraled toward the ground uncontrollably, unfortunately at the same time Jake was saying goodbye to Lady Rainicorn and his kids right outside.
SPLAT! Lady Rainicorn and Jake looked down to see a pile of unrecognizable dismembered limbs, lying in a pool of blood, where their kids once stood. There was a moment of silence before Rainicorn shrieked in complete horror and disbelief.
Rainicorn wailed unintelligibly in chink-talk as Finn attempted to recover from the fall. He looked to the sky and thanked Gob for sparing him at the cost of Jake's ugly bastard children. Jake chuckled dumbly, "Haha, good one Finn." Suddenly Jake Jr. began to move, miraculously still alive. A dash of hope rushed back into Lady Rainicorn amid her distress. Rainicorn spoke to her urgently, desperately pleading that her beloved daughter was okay. Suddenly Flame Princess' corpse plummeted through the sky and squashed the pup's body like a ketchup packet.
"Haha, whoops!" Finn said, before bro-fiving Jake. "Hey, Jake. Let's ditch this pop-stand. It's depressing." Rainicorn was still sobbing.
"Yeah, I agree, homie. Rainicorn is so needy."
Jake and Finn ran off into the sunset and lived happily ever after. Well, that is, until they saw themselves on the news…