A/N: I know it's been a while since I posted anything, but I've been working on so many different stories all at once. I hope you enjoy this. You can all thank Johanna-002 for driving me crazy about getting this one done. She also helped inspire this first chunk. The quotes throughout this story are from Matilda. They're in italics, however, so are a few other things (a flashback, titles of books, etc.) I'm trusting you can figure out which are which.
I hope you all enjoy!
XOXOXO
The books transported her into new worlds and introduced her to amazing people who lived exciting lives. She went on olden-day sailing ships with Joseph Conrad. She went to Africa with Ernest Hemingway and to India with Rudyard Kipling. She travelled all over the world while sitting in her little room in an English village. Her most recent adventure, however, was on a farm.
Paloma and Nicky had just finished dinner. The young girl was now in the living room playing with her toys. It was a familiar pattern of events, that happened on most nights. Nicky got to play until it was time for her bath, while Paloma had time to clean up the kitchen.
Spread out on the floor, Nicky had the whole scene set up. There was a red barn, all the farm animals, fences, troughs, carts, and all sorts other accessories. She even had a play mat underneath that looked like an actual farm. Nicky spoke quietly to the animals while she played, as though she was telling them secrets that only they shared.
Each night before bed, Paloma would read to her. They were currently in the middle of Charlotte's Web. Nicky's fondness and curiosity of farm life had prompted Paloma to use some of Nicky's spending money to buy her the farm set. She had even taken the time to find a little donkey - not exactly a standard in most farm sets - because Nicky had announced at breakfast one morning that donkeys were her favorite.
She was particularly fond of their ears, she had explained. Paloma had laughed in amusement at the story and told her that she knew a man who lived near her sister who owned one. It was unusual for this area of the city, but he was on the fringes just outside of the busy metropolis. She promised Nicky that one day she would take her there. "You're a smart girl to pick the ears. Sometimes," she told Nicky, "they shake their heads. I have never seen anyone who can resist a smile after that."
Nicky announced to the menagerie before her that they were all going to play pretend. Picking up each animal in the pile, she would tell it the name of it's counterpart in the story and a little bit about what they were like. Then she would place the animal in just the right spot, of where she thought it belonged, on the playmat.
It only took her about twenty minutes to run through what she knew of the story, acting out each scene in careful detail with the figures before her. She had even made up a story for how Toby, the donkey, would be involved - she didn't want to leave him out.
Biting her lip, Nicky looked down at the little world in front of her. "I'm very sorry, but that's all I know so far. Tomorrow I will tell you all about the new things that Paloma will read tonight."
Nicky was a very smart girl and had an imagination unlike most children. It was because of her mother's disinterest that Paloma pushed Nicky to pursue anything thing she found a passion for or enjoyed. Marka, her mother, was a tempest of disaster in Nicky's life and while Paloma couldn't counter her force she always tried to offer what she could.
For every question she had an answer. For every interest she brought to Nicky knowledge and skills. For every bruised knee she brought comfort and care. But the most precious gift of all was that she offered Nicky the freedom to explore while fostering the most imaginative and magical childhood she could. Nicky was sheltered from the cruel disappointments and pains of the world, but Paloma knew there would be plenty of heartache as she grew older. Preserving her innocence seemed like the kinder thing to do, even if it didn't prepare her for the world.
Continuing to play, Nicky pretended to let the farm animals tell her all about how they felt about this production. It was the sheep who were most annoyed and the spider most prideful. She hadn't had a spider in her set. Paloma had given her a penny to use for the time being. "A penny for my nickle," she had said.
Nicky listened patiently to the sheep, who were explaining to her, quite firmly, that they were not stuck up snarky creatures. "I do understand what you're saying, but it's only pretend," Nicky replied. "I know you're not really like that. You have to remember it's just acting - just a game. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. Why don't you tell me how you would behave in the story?"
Just then, she heard Paloma calling her name. "I'm very sorry, but I must go see what Paloma wants. You all play right here until I get back. No wandering off now." Nicky set the sheep back down and rose to her feet. She followed the sound of Paloma's voice into the kitchen.
As she entered the room, Paloma grabbed her by the waist, spun her around in the air, and sat her on the counter. Nicky was now closer to eye level and could see the excitement in Paloma's every move. It was an interesting anomaly, as her nanny had always been so cool, calm, and collected. There was generally not such an intense show of emotions.
"Nicole, listen to me," she started, grabbing Nicky's hands in her own. "I called your mother - she's on her way. She'll be here soon," Paloma said, briefly forgetting the deluge of questions that were sure to follow.
Nicky's brow furrowed and her nose crinkled in curious confusion. Paloma never left. There were weekends she spent with her mother, usually once a month and the afternoons Paloma had every other week. Marka would call in a sitter for those days and it was usually someone who had no interest in talking to Nicky. Paloma was the steady constant in her world. "Why can't you stay? Where are you going?"
Paloma rested a hand on the top of Nicky's head and grinned. "It's my daughter - my little girl. She's having her baby and they're taking her to the hospital. Isn't that exciting?"
There was nothing exciting about it at all in Nicky's mind. "Paloma, I thought I was your little girl?" she asked, feeling the cold desperation that, up until now, only Marka had been able to invoke.
"Oh little owl, of course you are, but this is different. This is my family. I need to be there for her." She ruffled Nicky's girls and then put her back on the floor. There's strawberries already cut up in the fridge and goldfish on the counter if you get hungry before she gets here.
Nicky crossed her arms petulantly and scowled. Bribing her into happiness was Marka's game - one that her mother never won. Paloma gave her an understanding look. She walked over to the fridge and pulled a Little Debbie box that had been too high for Nicky to have seen. She pulled out one of the oatmeal pies that Nicky loved and handed it to her.
A car honked from the driveway. "Oh that's my sister, she's driving me. I have to go. Your mother will be here soon. Lock the door behind me Nicky and don't let anyone in."
Nicky stood there in shock for a moment. Tears welling in her eyes as Paloma gathered her things. Shoving away all the emotions that she could, Nicky followed Paloma into the foyer.
"I'll see you soon little owl." She blew Nicky a kiss and disappeared through the door.
It took Nicky a moment to process what had just happened. Snapping out of it she walked towards the door and locked it. Feeling her anger boil inside she kicked it roughly. It hurt her toes, even through her shoes, but she felt slightly better.
Huffing in frustration, she sat down on the bottom few steps of the stairs and settled in to wait for her mother. As she sat, she began to wonder what it was like to be a grownup - to come and go as one pleases and not answer to anyone but yourself. She was torn between thinking how selfish it was, but also how adventurous it seemed.
Nicky wasn't sure if she would ever be that brave and doing things all by yourself seemed very lonely. Nicky liked sharing her happiness with Paloma. Even in her books, all the kids who did things together seemed happier than the adults who were all alone. Waiting worriedly for her mother, she felt very alone indeed. It made her stomach hurt so much that she didn't even eat her snack and it was her favorite.
Sometimes Matilda longed for a friend, someone like the kind, courageous people in her books, but it occurred to her that talking dragons and princesses with hair long enough to climb, such people would only exist in storybooks.
Nicky sat on the stairs for almost two hours before she realized Marka wasn't coming. It was getting dark- something she never liked. She ran up the stairs escaping the dreariness of the main floor.
Turning on the hall light, Nicky made her way into the bathroom. She brushed her teeth and tried to get the tangles out of her hair. It was something the little girl thought was never possible. Even when Paloma did her hair, it stayed a mess. Giving up, she decided to head to her bedroom.
Nicky poked her head out of the bathroom and looked around at the hall. She considered herself to be a pretty brave girl, just like all the girls in the books that she loved, but she had never stayed alone by herself at night.
Seeing no danger in sight, Nicky quickly made her way to her room. She hesitated at the light switch just outside her door, but couldn't find the courage to turn the hall light off. Maybe, just for a little while, she would leave it on. Just in case.
Turning on the bedroom light Nicky entered her room. She left the door open and looked around her room suspiciously. Everything seemed more sinister, with bigger shadows and a plethora of places to hide. She took a deep breath and stepped inside.
Nicky let out a sigh of relief when nothing happened. She was fine. There was nothing to be afraid of. Walking over to her dresser she riffled through her drawers until found she her favorite pjs.
There were pink and purple plaid boxers and a white t-shirt with a purple owl on it. The boxers were worn from overuse and the shirt wouldn't fit her for much longer, but she had pleaded with Paloma to let her keep them for a little longer. Nicky smiled finding them back in her drawer where they belonged.
She slipped her feet into her bunny slippers next to the dresser. She was proud quite of herself for getting through her entire bedtime routine, minus the bath, without any help. It wasn't much of a challenge, but she felt so helpless with no one in the house that she was proud anyways.
Walking over to the corner of her room, Nicky looked at the books on her shelf. They were reading Charlotte's Web, but she didn't want to read ahead of Paloma. It didn't seem very nice. Leaving her alone by herself wasn't very nice either, but Nicky was trying not to think about that.
It bothered her. A lot. Paloma's hasty escape reminded her of her mother. Why was everyone always leaving? Paloma told her it wasn't her fault that her mom was so distant. She said that having a child was a big responsibility and some people just needed a little help - that's why Paloma was there. Now, Paloma was gone too. Nicky couldn't help but wonder if she was the problem. Was she really that hard to love?
Nicky's fingers danced along the spines of her books. Each of her favorites mixed between the new books she hadn't read yet. She was a good reader, better for her age than she should have been, but she still stumbled over some of the bigger words. Sometimes she liked to lay next to Paloma while she read and watch the words as the woman spoke them aloud.
These were the only friends she had. Nicky was afraid to make friends at school. She didn't think that they would really like her. She was shy and didn't talk much at school. That just seemed to make things worse. The other kids made fun of her for being so quiet. Now they called her mouse.
"Oh Nicky, you can't let them change who you are. Ever. You are a good girl and the world hasn't always been kind to you, but you're special little owl. One day you're going to do amazing things."
Nicky rolled her eyes. She knew better than to argue, even though she didn't believe any of it. It was nice to hear - nice to pretend. She knew the truth though, if she was special her mom would actually love her. Nicky knew Paloma cared about her, but it wasn't the same either.
"If anyone is a mouse it is those children you go to school with. Mice are small and sneaky. They are prey Nicky. They can be squished so easily. They make noise, but they don't say anything that matters," Paloma said, trying to get the little girl to smile.
She watched Nicky's shoulders slump in defeat. She bent over so that she could meet Nicky's gaze. "Why do I call you little owl?"
"Because I have big brown eyes and ask questions all the time," Nicky said, not knowing what that had to do with the bullies at school.
"That's right." Very seriously Paloma continued, "And do you know what little owl's eat?"
Nicky scrunched up her nose and shook her head. "No," she replied.
"Owl's eat mice Nicky, never forget that."
Nicky quietly said each of the titles she was considering. She was hoping that one of them would sound right. "The Secret Garden…. Alice's Adventure's in Wonderland… Mandy… A Little Princess. " None of those were what she was looking for. She pulled the two remaining favorite books from the shelf and held them against her chest.
Running over to her bed, Nicky lunged onto it from a few feet away so that nothing nothing beneath the bed could grab her. She took off her slippers and put them on the end of her bed by the footboard. Normally they sat neatly next to her bed, but she didn't want anything to get them either.
Crawling under the covers Nicky got comfortable. She propped herself up against pillows and smoothed the covers around herself. It wasn't quite the same as being tucked in, but it would have to do. She felt a little bit more confident with her books.
She could be like all her favorite heroines. They didn't get scared and most of the time they didn't even need adults. She wished she were that brave. Nicky wanted to not need anyone. People just let you down. She didn't want to depend on anyone. Ever.
It was one of those things that she was always contradicting within herself. She didn't want to need anyone, but she wanted to share herself with them. She wanted to laugh with friends, talk about all the dreams she had, and she wanted someone who would love her. Those all seemed like gifts she would never get.
She looked at the two books resting on her lap. Pippi or Matilda, she needed to pick. Nicky thought about the stories. She knew both tales by heart. Pippi was one of her favorites. She could do anything she wanted and even the adults couldn't stop her. She took her friends on wild adventures that were better than anything you could imagine.
Matilda, however, was a young girl like she was. She liked books and was smart. She lived with with people who made her feel helpless. You were born into a family that doesn't always appreciate you, but one day, things are going to be very different. Nicky loved Miss. Honey.
She always wished she had someone in her life like that. Someone who would love her, not just pretend like they loved her because they were supposed to. She wanted someone who could show her what family really meant.
Nicky had left the hall light on, as well as her ceiling light. Neither of those stopped her from turning the lamp by her bed on. She placed Pippi on her nightstand and grabbed her stuffed hedgehog Stanley.
Hugging Stanley against her side, she opened the book in front of her and began to read aloud to the empty room. Nicky knew the story, but not all the words. Sometimes she would slowly try to say them out loud, hoping that she could figure out what they were. Other times she had to give up and skip over the word.
And don't worry about the bits you can't understand. Sit back and allow the words to wash around you, like music.
Nicky apologized to Stanley, telling him that she was sorry she was messing up the story, but that she would try to do better. She told him that she loved him and that she was sure he would love the book, even with the gaps that she was forced to leave. She kissed his head and went back to the story.
To her credit, Nicky read for about thirty minutes before the frustration got to her. She set the book down in her lap and looked around her room. She had her books, just like Matilda, but there wasn't much in there that she loved.
There was Stanley, and her favorite pjs, there was the notebook that Paloma had given her for her birthday. It was leather bound and the prettiest thing Nicky had ever seen. That was it though. Even the things she loved, they didn't love her back. She was all alone.
Trying to be brave, Nicky flipped to the end of the book. Her favorite part. She read the last few lines, not even needing to look at the words. "And as bad as things were, - that's how good they became. Miss Honey was made principal of the school. And Matilda found, to her surprise, that life could be fun. She decided to have as much fun as possible. After all, she was a very smart kid. Matilda and Miss Honey each got what they had always wanted: A loving family."
That was all Nicky wanted. The familiar words washed over her and she realized how they would never come true. She didn't have special powers and there was no Miss Honey who would love her no matter what. There was only Marka and that wasn't the same thing at all.
Shaking with anger, Nicky threw the book across the room. Instantly she regretted it. Her books were the things she loved most. They took her on adventures when she was bored, kept her company when she was lonely, and gave her hope when there was none in her heart. She wiped angry tears off of her face and climbed out of bed.
She was no longer worried about things that might be under there. There were times when she knew real life had much scarier things than monsters.
Picking up her book, Nicky hugged it to her chest. The sobs came with no warning. As her tears subsided, she reluctantly got back in bed. She drew the covers up over her head and tried to surround herself in something akin to safety. She hugged Stanley and her book tight against her and cried until she fell asleep.
XOXOXO
"Nicole? Paloma?" Marka called as she entered the house. There was no sign of life. There was no breakfast being made or sounds of her child's incessant chatter. It was odd, but she didn't concern herself with the thought.
Walking through the home that was hers in name only, Marka eventually found Nicky fast asleep in her bed.
"Nicole," she said sharply, as she shook the little girl until she woke up.
Nicky jumped awake, startled by her mother's presence. She looked up at her blinking for several moments before she realized her mother was actually standing there and not just the remnants of a dream.
Nicky looked at her in confusion. "Why are you here?"
"I wanted to take you to lunch. We're going to spend the day together today," Marka said, as though this kind of thing happened all the time.
Nicky didn't move right away, trying to rationalize this woman with the same one that ignored her on a regular basis. "Why? Why do you want to spend time with me?"
Pulling a dress out of Nicky's closet for her to wear, Marka replied. "Oh, Nicky stop with the constant questions. God only knows I'm going to have to answer enough of them for grandma."
That was why. Nicky had her answer. Anytime her mom went out with her grandma she brought Nicky along. The little girl had long ago figured out that she was there to divert the attention off of her mother and onto herself.
This was definitely not about spending time together. It wasn't about Nicky at all. She rolled her eyes and went to the bathroom to brush her teeth and get ready for the day. There was no use arguing.
Marka's phone went off and she answered it, walking out of the room. Her voice took on an angry tone. "Well what am I supposed to do? I have things to do this week. Could one of you help me out?"
"How rude," Marka said as she walked back into Nicky's room. "Nicole," she sighed. "Why aren't you dressed?"
Nicky just glared at her and snatched the dress up off the bed. "Where are we going? Did you tell Paloma that you were taking me? She'll worry if I'm not here when she gets back."
Marka was about to snap at Nicky once more, but that last thing her daughter said hit her. "Nicole that was Paloma's sister on the phone just now. It seems there was an accident on the way to the hospital last night. She died instantly. I'm sorry."
Nicky felt like she was going to be sick. Paloma was gone? It hurt to think about. She had thought so many bad things about her the night before when Paloma had left her. She wished she could take them all back.
There should have been someone there for her. Even Nicky knew that. It wasn't something you just moved on from. She needed someone to tell her thoughts to - someone who would tell her that all those bad things she thought didn't matter. What she needed was just one person, one wise and sympathetic grown-up who could help her.
"Nicky for God's sake get ready," Marka said frustrated. "Oh don't worry about it, you're going to be fine. I'll get someone to take care of you by the end of the day. If not, maybe you could go stay with grandma for a few days." She walked out of the room, giving up on trying to rush Nicky. "I'll be waiting in the car," she hollered to her daughter as she made her way down the stairs.
Paloma had been no Miss Honey, but she had been Nicky's companion for years. They had so much fun together. Even if Nicky wasn't her little girl, she missed her already. Nicky sat down on her floor and cried. One more person in her very small world was gone.
She heard her mother honking the horn. It didn't cause her to rush or even move. Marka would just have to wait. Maybe she would even leave without her. Nicky didn't feel like eating and she didn't feel like entertaining either.
Nicky was sad. It was more hurt than she'd felt in a long time. She tried to snap herself out of the pain, knowing that Marka would just lecture her and make things worse.
After slipping the blue dress on and putting her shoes on, Nicky headed downstairs. On her way out, she had noticed a small package on the table by the door. It was wrapped in pretty paper. Nicky had forgotten that it was her birthday. She knew without question that it was from Paloma and not Marka. She grabbed the present and joined her mother in the car.
She didn't say anything to her and her mother said nothing to her. There was silence filling the car. It wasn't awkward, but it wasn't the good either. It was just empty. Mother and daughter sitting in the same car, but living worlds apart.
Nicky looked down at the package in her lap and very carefully she opened the paper. Her eyes lit up when she saw the book. It was a copy of Matilda that was leather bound. Bringing it to her face, she inhaled the heady smell.
She opened the cover and her eyes watered over. There was a message. "Happy Birthday Little Owl. I know how much this story means to you. I hope it brings you comfort in times of hardship. I know your old copy will still be a favorite, but I hope - when you see this - you remember that you can always make something new again with a fresh start. I know this is only one of the many adventures you will find in those books of yours and there will always be so many more books on the horizon sweet girl. Fondly yours, Paloma"
Nicky didn't try to hide the tears. This time they were hidden behind the smile that was on her face. Paloma had remembered her birthday, had known exactly what to get her and had spent her own money. It was more attention and care that anyone else shown her.
The young girl was still very sad, but she was feeling just a little bit braver. A little bit more like she wouldn't always be alone. She had lost her friend, but she hadn't lost her way. One day, things might be different for her, but for now she would just have to wait and see what happened next.
So Matilda's strong young mind continued to grow, nurtured by the voices of all those authors who had sent their books out into the world like ships on the sea. These books gave Matilda a hopeful and comforting message: You are not alone.