{AN:- and I still haven't figured out where notes go here in the pit. Also, I'm still working on my other C/O. Believe it or not, I've got part 4 written, I just need to tie it into the fic/theme... So, I found this old thing that I thought I had posted here, but alas, I had not.}
{AN2- this is a Post- Blinded episode, one-shot}
oOo
It was after midnight and still raining and Casey was tired, but not sleepy enough to quit working. It was dark and quiet. The light over the stove was on, but the only other sources were her laptop and the lamp illuminating just the coffee table that was currently covered in neat stacks of papers, books and legal pads.
The knock on the door startled her. In this building she could hear the person next door sneeze, and she sure as hell heard almost everyone coming and going, so she knew it wasn't a neighbor. And she would have heard the buzzer, clear and irritating, as her windows had been open all night while she listened to the rain pelt the fire escape and window air-conditioners.
Casey closed her eyes and let her head fall back against the couch. She took a deep breath to try to steady herself as she thought about the person who was probably at the door. The only person who would show up at this time of night, unannounced.
She dragged her tired body away from her work and walked slowly, though her heart was beating fast by the time she got to the door. She leaned against it, taking a moment before she confirmed in the peep-hole what her heart already knew.
She opened the door and they stared at each other for an uncomfortably long time before Olivia dropped her gaze to the floor in front of her. Her hair was wet from the rain, her clothes nearly soaked.
Casey wanted to sigh.
The haggard sight tugged at her heart, and she hated herself for it being so easy for the feelings she thought she buried to come flooding back to the surface. She cataloged the injuries afflicting Olivia. She had a black eye and bruising along her cheek. Her shirt sleeve was torn and she had large white bandage taped to her forearm. She looked pale and exhausted and fragile.
"I've had a bad night."
Casey closed her eyes, opened the door and stepped aside for the detective to enter.
They stood just inside the apartment after Casey had closed the door, staring at each other until Casey broke the silence.
"Are you okay?"
"This?" Olivia began in an uncharacteristically shy tone. "You should see the perp…." She almost smiled.
"Let me you a towel," Casey said, beginning to fidget. "Do you need anything else? Ice? Pain killer?"
A mirthless, hollow laugh, almost a scoff was Olivia's first reply.
Casey had never really seen her looking like this.
"I just…," Olivia said. "I wanted to talk."
Casey watched Olivia close her eyes and await an answer. She watched her subtly lean against wall for support.
Casey chewed at her lower lip, but finally replied, "You need a shower and sleep."
"Casey," she started.
"No, Liv. Do you really think we're going to have the best heart to heart when you're this exhausted? You look dead on your feet. I bet Cragen sent you home." She took Olivia's averted glance for an answer. "When was the last time you slept?"
"I caught an hour or two in the crib today, yesterday..."
"We can talk after you sleep."
She sighed and her shoulders hunched even further. Her mouth formed a shaky, sad smile. "I'll get out of your way then."
"Olivia, stop," Casey said. "I'm not going to send you out like this."
"You won't even talk to me, but want me to stay here?" She asked, the incredulity raising her voice an octave.
Casey sighed. "Take a shower and warm up and then you can have the bed."
"I'm not kicking you out of your bed."
"I'm probably going to be working another couple of hours anyway. I'll stay out here." She put up a hand to forestall further argument. "Olivia, you're exhausted and soaking wet and bruised and... just please do this my way." She sighed. "Please," she asked softly. "We can talk in the morning."
"Casey," Olivia started to protest. Then she felt the last of the adrenaline, stoked up by finally, finally coming to Casey's apartment, leave her and she had to lean heavily against the wall to stay upright. She sighed and gave up. "Are you sure it's okay?"
"There's some of your clothes- some of your stuff is still in a box at the back of my closet," she said softly, the frustration nearly deserting her voice. "Please, go take care of yourself."
Olivia looked at her and tried to telegraph the gratefulness that she was feeling to her face. She tried to smile and then gave up and left for the bathroom.
Fifteen minutes later Casey found her asleep on the bed, one arm wrapped tightly around her pillow.
Olivia always did look so deceptively peaceful when she slept, she thought, leaning on the bedroom doorframe.
Casey didn't fight the tears that welled up. "I missed you," she said softly.
oOo
Some not quite identifiable noise woke her from an uneasy sleep. Casey raised her head up from the couch and listened for it ache between her temples making it difficult to open her eyes. She knew she could only have been asleep for a couple of hours. She heard it again though, the jumbled sounds of her ex-girlfriend's nightmares.
Casey often wondered, in the days and weeks after their break up, if she would have been strong enough to deny Olivia, had she shown up at her door to fight for their relationship. It had taken every ounce of her strength, fueled by fresh anger and disappointment, to leave.
Now, months later, her anger had faded. She cursed herself for never being able to hold onto it. And as she sat up on the couch, listening to the evidence of Olivia's discomfort, she tried reminding herself that it wasn't her problem anymore. Olivia wasn't her girlfriend and wasn't even her friend really. They'd split up well before Casey was brought before the NY Bar Association, and she'd barely seen her since.
She stood and only then noticed that the rain had begun to beat harder against the windows. The wind must have shifted and she was slow to remember the she had left one of the windows open, water already collecting on the windowsill and floor. She got up and retrieved a towel to soak up the mess. She was hanging the towel to dry in the bathroom when she heard Olivia murmuring again.
She tried to hold on to half-hearted intentions to return to her couch. She knew better. Knew she should leave it alone, knew what could happen if she didn't. And still, her feet took her to the bedroom.
Grief and despair followed the detective everywhere, waiting for moments to pounce and chase away any chance at happiness. She was so often haunted in her waking hours; it was monumentally unfair for her to have to face it in her sleep. And she knew, looking down at the woman clenching her fists in her sleep, she knew she couldn't leave well enough alone.
It turned out to be as simple as walking over, sitting down on the edge of the bed and putting her hand on Olivia's back. She slowly rubbed soft circles under Liv's t-shirt and over the smooth skin and tense muscles.
The slow, gentle circles seemed to wake her just enough to sooth. They also were lulling Casey back to sleep herself. Finally, she gave up, and let her heart have this one comfort, completely ignoring her brain screaming at her to stay away. She lay down and scooted up to Olivia from behind and softly slipped an arm over the brunette.
She heard Olivia's breath hitch before a nearly inaudible, "Casey?"
"Shh," Casey soothed. "Go back to sleep." She ran her hand softly through the short brown hair before returning it to lie across her back.
For whatever reason, it worked. And Olivia was back in a deep sleep before she could question Casey's presence any further.
oOo
Olivia had almost risen several times in the morning, but hadn't been able to bring herself to get up yet. One of those times she had thought she'd remembered the warmth, the security of being held, but when she had woken up again, she was alone. She supposed it was a dream and she let herself drift off, trying to find it again. She slept much later than usual, and was still tempted to sleep some more, but knew that they had to talk soon, that Casey's patience would wear out eventually.
As she got up and waited for her brain to fully percolate, she noted several subtle changes around the tidy, small apartment as she slowly made her way toward the redhead. There were more colors peaking out from the open closet. A new, purple duvet cover. Lush green plants in the bedroom and bathroom.
She walked out to see Casey huddled over the documents that she had been working the previous night. "Help yourself to coffee," the once again redhead said without looking up.
Olivia sighed but went about fixing her coffee, looking for real milk instead of the vanilla creamer that Casey was fond of. She was somewhat surprised that the changes she noted had continued into the kitchen. Casey's fridge contained fruit, milk and bread instead of old Chinese take out boxes. More Gatorade and diet coke than beer and wine.
Casey had obviously resolved something. Had recovered and moved on. Discovered life after being a prosecutor, maybe. And Olivia knew that she had done nothing to help her. It broke her heart some more to think that she had been busy wallowing in her own circumstances. That Casey had probably moved on from her, too.
But there were signs of hope.
"You still have my beer in the fridge?" Olivia said. Not realizing how loud she had voiced what she was wondering.
"Yeah, well, I don't like it," Casey said. "And I refuse to give it to the kid who checks on the cat."
Olivia bit her lip to prevent herself from smiling and getting ahead of herself.
It was going slow.
She could handle slow. Hell, she would handle an evolutionary pace if it meant she could get Casey to talk to her.
She brought her coffee into the living room and took a seat across from the redhead. She looked at the mounds of paperwork that Casey was working on and tentatively asked, "What are you working on?"
Casey carefully set her papers aside and tucked her legs up.
"I'm helping with the research and drafting of a resolution and bill."
"I didn't think you liked politics very much."
"I don't, really. But, I think this is going to be a change for the good, for once. And the research is interesting. Besides it was a good job that I had to take while I could get it."
"Cragen told us about your suspension. I'm glad it was only three months."
"Thanks only to Judge Trillian and a few others on the panel. If it were up to Donnelly, I probably would have been suspended for a year or worse."
"Well, at least something went right for you," Olivia said. "Casey, I'm sorry that happened. I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you when you got suspended. I'm… I'm sorry for a lot of things."
Casey held her gaze silently.
Olivia swallowed, and took a deep breath to be able to say what she wanted to last night. "I know, that even before the Picard case I was pushing you away. And then," she said. "I hurt you. And I'm sorry." A tear ran down Olivia's cheek, but she continued without wiping it clear. "I treated you terribly, and I don't think I've ever regretted anything more."
After a long time, Casey broke eye contact and slowly rubbed at her forehead. A mannerism Olivia was familiar with, that meant Casey was weighing everything over. Wanting to give her a minute, Olivia picked up Casey's empty mug and headed to the kitchen to get her a refill. She took her time before coming back and placing it on the table in front of her.
"Why didn't you come back to work?" Olivia asked, after a few long minutes.
Casey sighed, but looked at her again. "McCoy was willing to talk about the DAs office again, but it wouldn't be SVU. And," she signed again. "It would be too hard. Too stacked against me. I'd be buried in the basement for years. And I'm doing some good now. Who knows, maybe I'll get on staff with a state senator, or the party, or keep working with advocacy groups," she shrugged.
Olivia tried to hide her disappointment but could only manage a sad smile. Not seeing Casey all the time was the hardest thing she had to adjust to.
She looked around at the carefully stacked mounds of paper trying to think of anything that would keep Casey talking. "So what is this bill for?"
"This," she said and waved at the mess of papers in front of her. "You're going to hear about soon. It's about changing the law – making it much, much easier for alleged prior victims of a defendant to testify as witnesses in a current case, even long after the statute of limitations has expired. Broadens the guidelines for allowing evidence into trial."
"Casey that's great. That will affect so many trials."
"I know," Casey said, and finally graced her with the first real smile she'd seen on the redhead in a very long time.
The smile wasn't because of her, or really directed at her, but she still felt it. She closed her eyes against the stirring in her heart.
"Are you seeing anyone?" She blurted out softly. Small talk pushed away again by the sheer gravity of her fear and anxiety of this question.
"Nice segue," Casey said. She sighed and looked back down at her papers. "Not that it's any business of yours, but no, not really."
"Not really?" Now her hope had to battle with Casey's damned semantics.
"Not really."
"So, you're seeing someone?"
"It's been six months! You starting seeing that reporter right after we broke up."
"That wasn't serious."
"Then why did you hide it?"
"Because it was a reporter! And because I didn't want to hurt you any more than I already had."
Casey sighed and lowered her voice. "It doesn't matter."
"It does."
"It doesn't matter," she repeated slowly. "Anymore."
"Casey," Olivia said. She looked at the floor, at her hands, out the window. When her eyes made it back to Casey's face, she took a deep breath. "I never stopped loving you."
"You loved me so much that you took my deepest, darkest moments and used them against me at work, almost got me fired," she turned her head and looked across the room. "Not that it mattered in the long run."
"I fucked up. I know that. I would never do that again."
"How can I possibly believe that? What happens the next time you have to choose between me and work, or me and Elliot? How can I ever trust that I won't be on the losing end every time?"
She moved to kneel in front of Casey and placed her hands atop of hers.
"Because I finally trust myself enough for the both of us."
Casey closed her eyes and rubbed her forehead in aggravation. "What?"
"I lash out at everyone I love. I always have. My mother. Rebecca. Elliot. You. My brother's probably next. I sabotage every important relationship in my life."
"If you finally know that about yourself, then how can you say it won't happen again?"
"Because knowing makes a difference. I understand some of what it's about now. I'm even seeing someone to help work through it." She softly wiped away a tear running down Casey's cheek. "Please," she whispered. She didn't even know how to finish that sentence, hoping that the word would convey enough.
"I," Casey tried to pull back, but couldn't seem to move herself very far. She looked away. "I'm not strong enough for this," she whispered, wrapping her arms around herself.
Olivia didn't know if it that meant she wasn't strong enough to forgive her, or to resist it. And she didn't want to push the issue. But she was not going to give up. She stood up to try to regain eye contact.
"You're stronger than I am," She said. She gently pushed a lock of red hair behind an ear. "You always were the stronger one."
Casey closed her eyes. Stood there quietly trying to even out her breathing. Willing the lids to hold back more tears. The rise and fall of her chest telling Olivia she was working herself up to pull away. To run, maybe.
"I have to go to work," she said, finally. She opened her eyes and, continued in a quiet voice, "There's a meeting. We have to build a list of people to testify in front of the state congress as the resolution is presented."
Olivia fought the urge to keep them cocooned in the moment. Protected from everything. But knew she couldn't push her any further than she had already.
"Okay," she said. She gave a small smile. "Well, if you need any representatives from the police on your side, you know where to find me."
"Thank you," Casey said, her voice just above a whisper.
Olivia wondered if she was thanking her for the offer or for backing off.
"And when you're ready to talk some more, please call me." She leaned close again, and gently touched Casey's chin and left a brief, whisper-soft kiss on her lips before she showed herself the door.
Her steps feeling lighter than last night, she breathed in the cool morning air and almost smiled.
oOo
Casey thought that she had changed.
She had rediscovered everyday joys outside of the DA's office that she hadn't even realized she had lost.
She woke up mornings without dread. She smiled at children. She laughed at people's jokes again. She went to lunch with friends. Hell, she'd even been on a few dates. Not even upset that her friends had set her up.
She was starting to feel like her old self again. And she had almost forgotten what that felt like.
And, she had thought that was stronger for it.
Just, apparently, not strong enough to prevent the inevitable.
Not strong enough to sit in her living room at the end of the day and ignore the phone without it feeling like she was lying to herself.
She stood there, her arms wrapped around herself against the cold. Staring at the phone resignedly and tired of denying that she didn't desperately want this.
The rest of her will power flittered away.
She reached over and picked up the phone before she could back down once again.
"It's me." She said. "Do you want to come over?"
"I'm leaving right now."
oOo
Olivia hung her jacket on Casey's coat stand and turned to face her. They stood silently in each other's presence for a long time.
"So what do you want to do?" Casey said, not quite meeting her eyes. "Pretend all this never happened?"
"No, I don't," Olivia said, and moved closer at the promise in the situation. "Because I don't want it to happen again."
Casey considered that for a while. She finally looked up to meet Olivia's eyes. "Then what do you want from me?" Casey asked.
"I want you to forgive me," she said and moved to bridge the rest of the distance between two of them. She gently uncrossed Casey's arms and took Casey's hand in one of her own.
"I want to take you to dinner," Olivia said. "I want to take you to movies that I hate," she smirked slightly. "I want to take you to musicals that you hate."
She gently reached up and brushed her free hand through Casey's hair and marveled at the blush creeping up the fair neck.
Casey wasn't backing away from her, so Olivia kept talking. "I want you to give me the cold shoulder when I forget anniversaries."
She released the hand she was holding and reached around to place hers on the small of Casey's back. And felt her breath nearly leave her when Casey relaxed in her embrace.
Olivia took a moment to savor the feeling. It was everything. Everything that she thought she had destroyed. That she was afraid she'd never get back. It was all she could do to keep her eyes open and her mind on task and not give free reign to her body and heart.
She knew she was still on shaky ground, but there was more that she had to say, and Casey was letting her talk. So, Olivia continued. "I want to agonize about the fact three months of a cops salary in a jewelry store wouldn't get me anything near good enough for your hand."
She slowly traced along Casey's jaw with her free hand. She let it gently slide to her chin and lightly brushed her thumb across Casey's lips. Casey's eyes fluttered closed as goose bumps raced along her body chasing a shiver that made her gasp.
"I want to have a family with you," Olivia said.
She paused, trying to remember the rest of what she had been wanting to say for months. "I want you to nag me until I take the sergeant's exam so that I won't be in the field so much," she said.
Olivia tried to concentrate, finish laying out the future she'd always imagined for them, but it was difficult. Casey's body was molded against her, and their mingling breath making her lips tingle. "I want to have a long fight about moving to Brooklyn or New Jersey to raise kids… I… Casey, I…"
Finally, unable to think any further, she kissed her.
Her eyes fluttered closed.
And when she felt the soft mouth under hers retaliate, she whimpered.
When she felt Casey lips part and Casey's hand running through her hair, increasing the pressure of the kiss, an intense wave of emotion coursed through her body. It was almost too much to let the kiss run its course.
Finally, breathless, Olivia pulled back, resting her forehead against Casey's again. After a minute, shaking, she whispered one final thing.
"I want everything. You deserve everything."
She raised her head, finally ready to meet the reaction.
This time it was Casey who moved first. Olivia felt Casey placed her hands on her cheeks, gently pulling her back into the kiss.
She was content to stay drowned in the embrace, until Casey started placing kisses along her jaw leading to her neck. When she reached that spot behind Olivia's ear, a shot of intense desire coursed through her. Roaming hands became insistent and slipped under the hems of shirts and started toying with buttons.
Urgency and need were slipping through her control, but Olivia was pretty sure that it was Casey who was backing them into the bedroom.
She helped Olivia's still shaking hands remove the rest of her clothes. Her thumbs traced circles on her thighs as jeans were removed. Warm hands wrapped around her and pulled her on to the bed.
"Are you sure?" Olivia said, suppressing a moan.
"I knew I would give in… when I let you in the door, I knew," she said.
"I don't want you to give in," Olivia said, breathing hard and backing away to arms length to look Casey in the eyes. "I want you to want me."
Casey looked at her, eyes a dark jade and a serious expression set in her face. "I have always wanted you," she whispered slowly.
She waited until she saw the truth of it register in those deep brown eyes before she pulled her into a deep kiss.