Disclaimer: The Mediator belongs to Meg Cabot. And the song lyrics belong to their respective owners.

Rating: T

Summary: Suze POV. Angst. Suze Simon has always dreamed of a perfect, unconditional love. To be swept off her feet like she wants and deserves. Only, she never thought her one true love would be her hero and captor. Someone she would love unconditionally, but hate with every fiber of her being.

A/N: Thanks for reading, please review :)

Where is my John Wayne? Where is my prairie son? Where is my happy ending? Where have all the cowboys gone...?

Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?

I never would've thought the age old cliche, 'There's a thin line between love and hate,' to be something I'd ever say or use, ever. Or for it to echo back to me every minute of every day. There was a time when I didn't even believe in it, putting it down to people who just couldn't distinguish between black and white, good and bad. Caught in shades of grey. Because I never thought I would experience it myself. Only, now I want to bitch slap myself for being so naive.

I can hear it from my best friend, Gina when I see the plate shatter into pieces on the kitchen floor and in the cracking sound of the door slamming closed after him. I've felt it in the warmth of my tears when they stream down my face and soak into my pillow I end up holding on to like a life-line. Pulsing through my body in the anger I use to throw something at him in hurt and frustration. But it's also what stops me from ripping that photo out of its chipped frame and shredding it to match how torn up I am inside. It's what makes me sit behind the wheel of my car, ready and willing to leave the life I created and let him change. Only to find there's no gas left, stalling me from going.

But then that only gives time for doubts to creep in and make me hesitate to leave in the first place; adding fuel to the weakness that started again when the one glance he throws to me - filled with as many mixed emotions as I feel - as he slams the door behind him on his way out. The look, the feel and the kiss that comes when he returns much later that night. When I hang my head and discover I'm too weak to do what's needed to be done.

All the while I'm mocking myself for ever believing in that wish that wasn't ever going to come true anymore. Because it wasn't meant for me.

When I was a little girl, I imagined that chance of a fairytale love, just like any other girl. The kind that made you smile from the moment you woke, to the second you slept. I wasn't expecting birds and small animals to be singing outside my window or anything, but I wanted the unconditional love. I wanted the days that were bright, even in the wake of the strongest storm. A hero, riding in and sweeping me away. A love that didn't need to be questioned, just accepted with open arms.

My mom was happy. Swept up and lost in her devotion to my step-dad. Delirious, content and smiling all the time. I always wanted what my parents had. Someone who could treat me how I should be treated. I had plenty to give and plenty to share and I knew there was someone like that out there for me, because there's someone for everyone, right? Lovers have come and gone, some making more of an impact than others. Charging in and out of my life, until the right person came along; and I knew he was coming.

But when I found it, I never thought he would be my captor as well as my hero.

From the first moment I met Jesse, I knew I was in trouble. Big, uncontrollable, swept up in a hurricane, of trouble. I heard rumors about him, how he was supposed a player, moving from girl to girl. But I don't listen to gossip and the more I saw him, the more I didn't believe it either. Sure, he laughed his way through life, knowing he could get anywhere he wanted and whoever he wanted. He never took anything seriously, it should've put me off him. He expected respect without asking for it. He was good-looking, dangerous and charming and the type I always swore to stay away from. I wasn't stupid, I knew I wouldn't find what I was looking for there.

But that choice was taken from me as soon as my eyes clashed with his that first time. I knew it'd all gone wrong; I'd tried backpedaling and getting out of his line of sight as quickly as possible. But he was like a hunter stalking his prey, he never took his eyes off me as he moved in until he had me completely trapped and held with just his eyes. He somehow wove his charm around me and as much as I tried to escape and tear myself away from it, I knew it was waste of time. He had me and he knew it.

I tried to ignore him, giving him the brush him off and carry on like he didn't make my heart feel like it was going burst right out of my chest every time I caught sight of him. The way my breathing would suddenly because labored like I'd just done a few laps around the block. But just like most girls do, I loved the thrill of the chase and the way he persisted and ran for me. The more I would pull back, the more eager he became. His smile was killing me, because I never saw it. He was always closed off and unreadable. But seeing that small tilt to his thin lips . . .

But that's why it all went wrong. We didn't see it until it was too late. I've never been the type to play hard to get, I don't like teasing and dragging someone along, especially to something I knew wasn't going to work. But that was exactly what I was doing anyway; up until the point when I didn't know if it was because I was really trying to escape, or if I was just too addicted to him and all he brought.

And then I gave in. I quit the games that were driving me insane, plunging myself into everything that came with being with Jesse De Silva. I wasn't the type to fool around either, it's never been my style. But with Jesse, he was like a drug I just couldn't get enough of, I needed him more than I've ever needed anyone in my life. I loved the excitement and buzz that came with being with him, his touch, his whispers, his looks. We were careless and wild, just like I expected it to be with Jesse.

But the more time went on the less I was detaching myself from him. I wasn't keeping emotions on the sidelines anymore. I fell deeper each time my lips crashed to his, his hands all over me were setting me on fire. I started to feel when I was with him. The way I felt my heart thump a few extra beats when he smiled at me. How our eyes would meet for a moment, something deeper than lust pooling in his dark, dark eyes. I was imagining my life with him, I was getting to know the workings of him, how he thought, what made him happy and sad, picking up on his mannerisms and traits. I was falling for him hard and fast and there was no way for me to stop it.

I tried to deny it to myself and my best friend. I tried so hard to brush it off and tell myself it was nothing and meant nothing, that it wasn't possible I'd fallen for the completely wrong person. It wasn't how it was supposed to be.

Until I slipped up and told Jesse I loved him.

The world and all that was keeping it right, crashed down around me like broken shards of glass, piercing my senses and my heart and all that was me. I said the one thing that was like an unspoken rule between us. No falling in-love. And I smashed that rule apart, not in one go, but piece by agonizing piece. And I didn't realize just how much until I looked up into his eyes and saw his reaction. The deep frown pulled down over his black eyes. He didn't say anything back, no acknowledgement I'd said it, no words repeated back to me and no sudden anger for breaking the rules.

Just an inky darkness that had started snaking through my light.

I'd pulled away then, grabbing my keys, jacket and shoes, slamming the door behind me as I ran from his territory. I didn't even bother to slip my shoes on as I ran down the steps from his apartment building and rushed out into the freezing hours of the morning. I never bothered to look back to see if he was following me because I already knew he wasn't. I ran to to my car slipping behind the wheel and tore the hell out of there. I needed to clear my head and think. Something I hadn't done since I got caught up in the life that revolved around Jesse. But the further away I got and the more my mind cleared, the more I wanted to turn back and run back into his arms.

I knew what I was letting myself in for when I gave-in to him. There's always been something dark and different about Jesse compared to other guys I'd been with. But I had to remind myself that I'd never heard of him being with anyone for as long as I have. I didn't want to hope, but it came anyway. There wasn't anything left. Other than the fear that I'd just lost my once chance of that fairytale love. I really almost believed that Jesse was it.

That should have been what helped me get over it then and there; but it didn't and I knew it never would.

It was over a week later, when I looked like death from not sleeping, my appetite non-existent, my hair felt limp and lifeless and the world dimmed into grey, that I saw him again. I was expecting and wishing he would walk straight on past me, brush me off as easily as he did when I told him I loved him. I needed the closure to help me through the crater sized whole of pain I'd opened myself up to, even if I was desperate for him to just tell me he loved me back. I needed so much from him.

Only Jesse didn't walk right past me.

I didn't look up at him, even as his brown leather loathers stopped in front of me. My eyes trained on his shoes and too terrified to follow the dark faded denim of his jeans up his long legs and along his taut, muscled body to his deep, soulful eyes. I was still silently hoping he would turn and walk away. It would've hurt and I would've cried and cursed him until I was blue in the face, but I was so torn to what I wanted and what I knew I needed. But his simple murmur of, Querida, was my undoing. I lifted my eyes to his instantly. Even as the thought ran through my mind, of how many other women he called that before me. Why should I have just been another? What made me different to them?

I had Jesse's love was the answer.

Because as it turned out, Jesse had fell into oblivion with me and was just as shocked as I was that it'd happened. But unlike me, Jesse didn't have expectations of what a complete love would feel like. I had my dreams and fantasies. I wanted it to be like that.

I knew he was as conflicted about the whole love thing as I was. Worse than me in some ways. I'd catch him staring at me confused, probably trying to figure out at what point it all went wrong for him, like I was doing. I asked him once why me, why was I so special. His simple response that he would never be able to forget me slammed into me with the force of a punch to the gut. It wasn't exactly the greatest declaration of love, but the way he said it, the look in his eyes, I knew he was telling the truth. I could feel it.

It was like a challenge then that I knew I wasn't ever going to back away from. No matter how hard or difficult it'd become, I was too damn stubborn and therein was the beginning of my downfall . . .

Where is my Marlboro man? Where is his shiny gun? Where is my lonely ranger? Where have all the cowboys gone . . .?