Sakura.
Sasuke paused to dip his pen in more ink and figured the next words should come easily. After all, he was a smooth speaker, right? But as he put the feather to paper, all that formed was an ink blot. An ugly inkblot at that—it didn't even have the decency to be perfectly round. It was just a blob. Sasuke sighed and crumpled up the paper for the tenth time.
He was supposed to write a letter for Sakura's birthday, and worse, attend the party. At Sakura's initial invitation, Sasuke had immediately refused, but then Kakashi had come and said very pointedly that he was sure going to Sakura's party and writing her a nice letter would help him prove to the Hokage that he was getting involved in a social life, and get him off probation for leaving the village much sooner. Sasuke freaking hated probation—having an ANBU who thought he was discreet follow him around everywhere was more than annoying.
What exactly constituted a 'nice letter' anyway? Could he just scrawl "Happy birthday" and be done with it? He thought not, although at this rate that was all he was going to get done.
Sasuke ground his teeth in frustration. He certainly wasn't going to start off the letter with "Dear Sakura", because—just no. Sakura already had too many delusions about his feelings, or lack thereof.
But wait, that wasn't right. She hadn't been chasing after him like a kicked puppy since he'd returned. She seemed willing to extend the hand of friendship, but only if Sasuke was willing to take it, and Sasuke certainly wasn't—so Sakura had been surprisingly distant. That made it even more difficult to think up something to write for her. What was he supposed to say?
Sasuke pulled out another bit of parchment and tried writing again.
Sakura,
How have you been?
Too cheesy. Anybody would see through that fake a greeting. Sasuke scribbled over it and replaced it with,
I wish you a happy birthday.
No, no. Wrong. Too soon. It had to be more substantial if Kakashi was going to accept it. He crossed that out.
I hope you are enjoying your party.
Suddenly, Sasuke was writing without realizing, his pen moving over the paper in a scrawl as his thoughts poured out with no warning.
God knows you deserve some enjoyment. Whenever I see you, you seem upset and distant. Sure, an idiot like Naruto might buy that fake smile you wear, but I'm an expert on lying and liars. You're sad, and especially around me. It's stupid. Why would you like me when all I ever did was hurt you? You poured out your heart to me and I knocked you out in response. It was probably better that way, because you would've been dead in a month at Orochimaru's. But I thought about it in the nights when I couldn't sleep. Which, looking back, was pretty much every night. What could I have done to stop you from getting hurt? Nothing. I could have left earlier before you formed an attachment, I suppose. But one person getting hurt is nothing compared to everything my brother did. You have to understand, he murdered my clan! I have to take care of that before anything.
You smiled back then. I haven't seen a genuine smile on you for a long time, and every time I turn down Naruto's invitations to ramen or we come back from a spar bloody and bruised and yelling, you look upset. Not even sad…more disappointed.
Who are you to be disappointed in me? You're not my mother. My mother is dead. I won't socialize because I don't want to rebuild the bonds just to break them, because…it hurt. I can't believe I'm writing this—I'll probably just throw it away as soon as I finish—but it hurt to leave you on that bench when I wanted to accept your offer and take a bit of home with me.
You don't deserve to come with me because you're too pure and good. You need a life here. You need to accept Naruto's offer to go on a date and smile…god, I'm so selfish. Because I don't want you to date Naruto. Or anybody else. Even so, I don't deserve you. I don't know anymore.
But smile, goddamn it. I wish I could make you smile, but I obviously can't, so…find somebody who can.
Sasuke threw down his pen in the middle of writing, disgusted with the corniness of his words and about how true they were. He hadn't even admitted this to himself and he was writing it down on a birthday letter? He put the letter aside.
When he could get out of here—get out of Sakura's life and stop hurting her—he would.
He picked up a final scroll, scrawled "Happy birthday" and signed his name.
The longer he stayed on probation, the longer he'd stay in the village. After he was off probation Sasuke knew he would leave again. So why not prolong his probation and have a little more time with Sakura?
He was such a contradiction.
Grabbing the letter from the table, he strode out the door.
A few hours later, Sasuke stood at Sakura's door in his best kimono, and knocked. She opened the door, revealing that it was bright and warm inside, and broke into a smile. "It's great to see you here, Sasuke-kun," she said almost mechanically, while maintaining that stupid smile which was so obviously fake.
"Here," he mumbled, giving her the letter. She opened it and looked surprised. Sasuke had expected her to look disappointed at the brevity, but she seemed to take a while reading it…
Oh, crap. He'd picked up the wrong letter and she was reading his brain-vomit. Now what? He couldn't just—snatch it out of her hand or whatever. And he couldn't leave—Kakashi was down the street, approaching. So Sasuke ducked his head, panicking, and slipped inside the party, checking if there were any alcoholic drinks present. There weren't.
Sasuke grabbed something drinkable and slouched into the shadows in the corner.
"You know, this hardly counts as socializing," somebody next to him said after a minute. Sasuke jumped and spilled his drink, miffed that he hadn't noticed Kakashi standing right next to him.
"Your point?" Sasuke bit out.
"I'm just saying, people typically socialize at parties," Kakashi continued, looking into the distance like he wasn't too interested in this conversation. "There are, for example, plenty of fine young ladies to—"
"Don't—even," Sasuke growled.
"Oh, I see, you don't like the ladies? I should have guessed. The outfit you wore when you came back was a dead gi—"
"Shut up."
"My, Sasuke-kun, you're even more grouchy than usual!" Kakashi finally turned toward him with a crinkly eye which meant he was smiling. "Is your mind on something…or someone?"
"If it was, it wouldn't be your business," Sasuke snorted, getting out of the corner and moving to leave.
"Sasuke, you're upholding a conversation, which is positive, but I don't think the Hokage would like to know that you simply left at the first sign of discon—"
Screw the Hokage, Sasuke thought, but he held his tongue.
"Now, normal people talk to others about their problems, so why don't you talk to your trusted teacher?"
There was a long silence during which Sasuke glared at Kakashi. Kakashi looked back, unjudging. Finally, Sasuke's shoulders sagged and he said in a low voice, "Have you ever felt like you weren't…good enough for someone? Like you failed them?"
Kakashi closed his one eye. "Sasuke, both of my teammates died right in front of me when I could have prevented it. My father committed suicide. I failed you by making you think you had to go to Orochimaru's to gain power."
"No, it's—it's different," Sasuke ground out. "If—if you really wanted to be…with…someone, but you were bad for them…what do you do?" Kakashi looked concerned, but he continued. "Obviously the right choice would be to forget them. So how?"
"What gives you the impression that you're bad for this person?" questioned Kakashi.
"It's blaringly obvious," Sasuke responded gruffly. "I've done nothing but hurt them. It should be easy to leave, it's just…"
"You don't want to leave," Kakashi said softly. Sasuke jerked his head towards him. Kakashi's smile was merry. "Congratulations, Sasuke-kun. You're in love."
Sasuke dropped his drink and a few eyes swept to him. His head spun. Him? In love? No. It was impossible. He had no emotions, he was an avenger, faking emotional attachment to get a chance to escape from this damn village…
Staring at the shards of glass on the ground and the stain on the carpet, Sasuke tried to figure out the meaning of what Kakashi had just proposed.
Had he somehow stupidly, idiotically, and irreversibly fallen in love with Haruno Sakura?
Sasuke shook his head and strode out of the room through the front door, almost sprinting back to his own apartment in the brisk evening air. The sky was dark blue, the moon not quite out yet but the sun not visible either.
Then he felt a hand on his shoulder. He froze.
"Sasuke-kun?" It was Sakura, her grip tender but firm. "You…forgot your party favors. But I guess you don't like sweets so…" she held out a tomato.
Sasuke's stomach did a flip-flop as he took the tomato with a sweaty palm. "Thanks," he muttered. "Sorry about…leaving early. I'm…not feeling well."
Sakura frowned and pressed a hand to his forehead. "Sasuke-kun, you're a bit warm and clammy. Are you all right?"
"Yeah, I'm…I'm. Fine, I mean." Sasuke couldn't remember being so incoherent, but his tongue felt thick in his mouth. He bit into the tomato, hoping the tangy flavor would clear his mind. It didn't. "About the letter. The one I gave you, I mean. It was…a mistake."
Sakura's face crumpled and Sasuke was alarmed. "Oh. I see," she said sadly, and then the fake smile was there. "Very eloquent. I'm sure whatever girl you give that to one day will be very flattered." She started to turn away.
"Wait, Sakura, I—"
"I have a party to get back to!" Sakura said over his attempt to speak. Sasuke caught the moistness in her eyes and his heart sank. "You should get some rest, Sasuke-kun. Since you're not thinking straight and all." She jumped onto a nearby rooftop and started navigating back to her home. Sasuke stood there, dumbfounded for a moment. What had he done wrong? He had apologized, hadn't he? Now she wouldn't have to feel uncomfortable.
Idiot, he berated himself.
Sasuke waited for another second, a battle raging between his mind and feet, then he started rushing after Sakura.
Of course, he found her with her knees tucked to her chin, crying behind the chimney of someone's house. Sasuke walked up the slanted roof to stand in front of her.
She didn't look up, but seemed to be trying to stifle her sniffles.
Sasuke had no idea what to say. He wasn't used to dealing with crying women—girls cried because they were weak and Sasuke didn't like weak people. So he rather untactfully blurted, "Oh, stop crying already!"
She glared at him. "If it bothers you, go away!"
"No, damnit!" he took another step up the steep roof, using chakra to keep himself from sliding. "All I do is run away from you. All I do is make you cry. I'm sick of it!"
She looked up more, brushing away a strand of pink hair from her face, and in that moment she looked incredibly fragile. "What are you…?"
"I can't stand seeing you cry, and it's even worse seeing your fake smile. Everything I said in the letter was true." He advanced toward her, and Sakura rose up, almost seeming threatened. Her lip was a bit swollen—probably from biting it—and bright red.
Frustrated, Sasuke figured there was something he was supposed to say, but it didn't come to his mind. "Godammnit," he growled, then cupped her chin, leaned in, and kissed her.
For a second, she did nothing, though her lips parted in surprise. Then it was like an explosion as she brought one hand around his neck, the tangled the other in his hair and pulled him in. Sasuke had been going for one chaste peck, just to see how it felt, to test Kakashi's hypothesis, but now it was like he couldn't stop. He desperately wanted more, taking advantage of her parted lips to nibble the lower lip a bit. He let his hands fall to her sides, noting how slim and fragile her waist seemed even though her hipbone jutted out, strong and solid.
When they broke apart, he enjoyed the sight of her panting, reddened lips and flushed face so much that he had to go in for another. But she pulled his hair back. "Wait, wait!" he paused, looking at her, meeting her vivid eyes. "What…what is this? Why are you doing this?"
"Why do you think?" he asked huskily and leaned in again, but she once again pulled him back, though she was unable to stop her genuine smile at his disappointed grunt.
"No wait wait wait! I just want to know. Is this…a one-time thing or…" He rolled his eyes, then met hers and tried to engrave the message into her head so she would finally get it.
"As long as it keeps you smiling for real, I'll do it as many times as you want." Her smile only widened and tears seemed to be coming out of her eyes again. Troublesome girls—they cry when you make them sad and then cry when they're happy? What is this rubbish?
Then she was the one to pull him in, plundering his mouth, until a flashlight shone on his back and presumably into Sakura's eyes. Slowly Sasuke broke away and turned around, intending to brutally murder whoever was behind them.
It was Kakashi, Shikamaru, and Naruto.
Naruto looked mildly disgusted, while Shikamaru looked annoyed. Kakashi merrily said to Shikamaru, "I told you. Pay up."
"I can't believe you two bet on whether or not my two teammates would be making out," Naruto grumbled. "By the way, Sakura-chan, I ate all your ramen while you were gone."
"The bet wasn't on whether they would be making out. Anybody could have guessed that much," Shikamaru said. "The bet was whether they'd be making out on a rooftop or in a dark alley. Apparently they're classier than I thought."
"At least we know the bastard won't hurt Sakura. She'd kick his ass," Naruto pointed out grumpily.
"When you're done making money," Sasuke growled, "You can leave. I have unfinished business."
Naruto immediately turned around. "Oh god, I don't wanna see this. My virgin eyes!" he muttered, and leaped off back to Sakura's party, presumably to consume all the sweets in the house.
After a moment, Shikamaru followed.
Sasuke glared pointedly at Kakashi.
Kakashi merely threatened, "You two better be dressed, awake, and not too tired for tomorrow's training, or I'm kicking both of you off the team," and jumped after the other two.
Predatorily, Sasuke turned back to Sakura. "Now then….where were we?"
A/N: I'm not happy with how OOC Sasu was, but I've been trying all sorts of different styles for my characterization of Sasuke, and I guess this was one of the not-so-good ones. Still, hope you liked it!