This is my good friend Doggeh's birthday present. Yes, it's another insane crossover of several of her favorite fandoms (or at least characters). There is no plot, its just a silly random story. I don't own any of these characters. If I did, the worlds would be a frightening place.

Suicide is Painless

"Hey, Zell! Have you seen my brother?"

The tattooed blond shook his head. "Not lately. He was with Zack and Leon last I saw."

Riku thanked him and moved on. The long-haired blond beside him grumbled. "Why do we have to be the ones wandering Radiant Garden? And don't you guys have those phone things?"

"Well, if you gave me a minute, Ed." Riku was reaching into his back pocket. He removed his phone and flipped it open. He entered a few numbers and waited. Then he put in a new set of numbers. "Okay, neither one is answering."

"What about your brother?" Ed asked.

"He doesn't have a phone." Riku sighed. "All right, where the hell would those three go?"

"You should have asked Zell where he saw them." The shorter teen stated obnoxiously.

Riku smacked his shoulder. "You could have too, Elric."

"Yeah, yeah but it's your brother we're looking for." Ed smirked. "I know where mine is."

"Yours isn't a recovering sociopath." Axel's voice interrupted from behind them. "And if you were that observant you'd know your brother is in the park with Sora trying to pick up some chick."

Ed turned abruptly. "He's what?"

Axel laughed loudly. He fixed his green eyes on Riku. "Your bro and friends went to Tifa's bar."

A single silver eyebrow lifted. That was really odd. "Any idea why?"

"Nope."

"Well, we'll head over there." Riku nodded. "Thanks, Axel."

"No prob." Axel grinned. "I'm gonna go see if I can help the bigger alchemist get a date."

"Was that a height joke?" Ed snarled.

"Nope." Axel chuckled. "Would have said taller."

"Look you-"

Riku placed a hand on Ed's shoulder. "Oh, get over it. Come on."

The pair walked off. Ed stuffed his hands into his pockets. "Al didn't tell me there was a girl he liked."

"You've been busy."

"I shouldn't be too busy for him."

Riku shrugged. "Well, you'll just have to remedy that."

Ed glanced over. "Yeah."

A couple hundred feet from the bar, Ed began talking again. "I wonder what made the three of them come out here."

"Seph has been rather… introspective lately." Riku mused softly. "Then again so has Zack."

"Well come on; the sooner we give him the message the sooner we can get out of here."

"I knew you liked being alone with me."

"Oh, you have no idea," replied Ed in a flirtatious tone. "I'm just dying to pin you up against a wall, pretty boy."

"Get in line."

They reached the bar and Ed opened the door, motioning in a gentlemanly fashion and smirking. "Ladies first."

Riku whacked him in the head as he went it. Ed followed and the pair paused in the doorway. Both frowned at the rather strange scene before them.

A melancholy, bordering downright depressing song played out from the speakers around the room. A rather thin, dark-haired man stood behind the bar, filling a martini shaker. Tifa was nowhere in sight.

A rather somber feeling permeated the room.

Ed's face twisted in confusion. He leaned over and whispered. "Isn't the bar closed for like another two hours?"

"That's what I thought."

The man behind the bar was talking in an agitated manner as he shook the shaker. "…And these idiots in charge have no idea what its like out there. They're not the one trying to piece these kids back together!"

Sephiroth snorted. "They do not care so long as their agenda is fulfilled. Shinra was the same way. When we were sent to Wauti, the orders were to settle the matter by any means necessary."

"The only thing Shinra Senior cared about was consolidating his control." Reno took the martini the guy behind the bar handed him. "They sent us in behind you guys and told us to just make sure not to accidentally take out any of their expensive SOLDIERs. The grunts they didn't give two shits for, yo."

"It's always like that." A voice unfamiliar to Riku but clearly known by Ed chimed in quietly. "We had orders to take out anyone assisting the Ishbalians. Didn't matter who they were or what they were actually doing."

Zack plucked the olive out of his glass. "War isn't hell; it's insanity."

The man making the martinis raised his glass in mock salute. "It just happens in hell."

Riku and Ed approached the group slowly, both reluctant to get involved. Some kind of weird bonding of war veterans was going on here. While both of them had seen their share of battle, they both knew it was not the same as the kind many of them had.

Sephiroth suddenly spoke. "What is it, Riku?"

The former general was handed a fresh drink, the man giving to him smirking. "Stirred, not shaken."

The younger one watched his brother sip on his martini. "I've never seen you drink before."

Zack snorted. "Oh, Seph can put them away with the best of them."

Ed looked down the bar to where the unfamiliar to Riku man sat. "Making new friends, General?"

The black haired man glanced over with the eye that was not covered by a patch. "Captain Pierce makes an excellent dry martini."

The man behind the bar bowed obnoxiously. "Why, thank you, General Mustang."

"Do we even want to know what triggered this…" Riku trailed off.

"Angst fest?" Ed suggested.

Zack leaned back. "I guess you can blame me and Seph for it. Right about this time is when the Wauti war broke out, which is the last time we worked together before the whole Jenova mess. We decided we needed a drink, ran into Hawkeye and Mustang here and next thing we knew, we were all here and Hawkeye was making us some damn good martinis."

"…And I never turn down booze." Reno smirked.

"So what's with the emo song on repeat?" Riku took the martini Hawkeye handed him. "I mean, suicide is painless?"

"I like this song!" The man protested, handing Ed a glass. "It's like… my theme song."

The two eighteen year olds nodded, taking cautious sips of their drinks. Riku coughed and Ed made a face. "Wow, this is strong."

The older men laughed.

"So what are you two doing here, yo?" Reno queried.

"Leon wanted Zack and Seph to know that he's going to need them this evening for some project." Ed explained, taking another drink. "This isn't actually too bad."

Reno finished his drink and pulled away from the wall. "I gotta run. Have to go meet with my lawyer, yo."

"What did you do now?" Sephiroth inquired.

"Eh, nothing that Phoenix can't get me out of." The redhead lit a cigarette and blew out some smoke, "and if he can't, Edgeworth can. See ya, yo."

Riku shook his head as the door shut. "I swear, Reno pulls off the most insane shit and always comes out of it completely clean."

"Between him, Axel and Kenshin, I'm really starting to hate redheads," muttered Ed.

Zack laughed loudly. "Man, Kenshin was so excited there was finally someone shorter than him!"

"Oh, whatever." Ed grumbled, taking another drink.

"Speaking of redheads, did Al talk to that girl yet?" Mustang asked abruptly with a knowing smirk.

Ed spat out his drink. He threw up his automail arm in annoyance. "Does everyone know about that but me?"

"Man, he didn't tell you?" Zack gaped. "I thought everyone knew about it."

"Agh!" Ed slammed his glass down on an empty table. "Damnit! He knows I hate when he keeps things from me! I swear I'm gonna totally lay into him when I see him."

Zack glanced at Sephiroth and both left their stools. The raven-haired one wrapped an arm around Ed's shoulders and led him toward the door, Sephiroth close behind. The silvered one spoke. "Let's have a chat, Elric."

The alchemist narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "About what?"

"Oh, little of this, little of that." Zack grinned.

Riku looked after the three of them. As soon as the door shut, he took the seat his brother had vacated. "He's in trouble."

Mustang and Hawkeye both nodded. "Yep."