His head.
Throbbing with the sound of millions of voices screaming in his ears.
Pointing fingers. Calling him names.
Murderer.
Failure.
The Oncoming Storm... what a farce that one had been.
"Doctor?"
Her voice was tentative as she approached and knelt beside him, her gaze soft and concerned. He sat on the floor in the TARDIS, leaning against the console and staring blankly around the room.
"You've been here for almost two hours," she said gently as she to get into his field of vision. He was very adept at avoiding things he didn't want, and eye contact with Rose was apparently one of those things. "Is this... is this typical of the... when you regenerate? D'you, you know, sulk for an hour or two?"
She was trying to make light of the situation, but no matter how hard she tried she could not pull him from this darkness.
"It was pointless, Rose." His voice was hoarse from lack of use, and he couldn't find the energy to clear it. "My sacrifice... their sacrifice. I destroyed my people so I could destroy the Daleks, and ensure they would never terrorize the universe again... but there they were, in the millions. Hundreds of millions." His laugh was humorless. "I gave up everything for nothing."
"But... they're gone now, yeah?" Her hand found his and she wound their fingers together, dismayed when he jerked away and settled his hand against his forehead. "We destroyed 'em all?"
"I don't know." He sighed, and it felt like the cries of the slaughtered millions were on his breath. "I thought I'd taken care of them that first time, and now... it was all for nothing." He shut his eyes against the pain.
"What happened?" She didn't try to touch him again, but she moved closer and didn't give up trying to make him look at her. He shielded his eyes with his hand.
"I killed all the Time Lords and thought I killed all the Daleks too," he said coldly. "We've been over this."
"No, I mean... what actually happened?" Frustrated, she grabbed his hand away from his face and held it her lap. "Talk to me, Doctor. What happened that made you resort to... whatever you did?"
"Not now." He leaned his forehead against the console again, facing away from her. "I really, really don't want to talk about it right now, Rose. I don't want to talk about anything. Just let me alone. Alright?"
He hadn't meant for that to come out as harshly as it had and opened his mouth to apologize- but she beat him to it.
"I'm sorry," she said quietly, staring down at his hand against her knee as if was the most interesting thing in the world. "I know this has got to be rough, Doctor, I really understand. It's bigger than me, and I'll probably never completely get what you're feeling, but I understand at least a little bit. I'll go now-"
"No, don't." The hand that had been sitting lifelessly in her grasp gave a gentle squeeze and then moved away. He patted the floor beside him. "Come on, then. 'Nuff room for the two of us."
With a smile on her lips that made her entire face light up she obeyed, snuggling up close to him and resting her head on his shoulder as they'd always done. It felt a bit weird- her body fit differently against this new one, but it still fit well and that was all that mattered. He wrapped his arm around her waist and held her.
He wasn't sure how much time had passed- he'd fallen into a sort of stupor, not aware of the physical world but buried deep somewhere in his own mind- but suddenly, he wasn't sure why, he jerked back to reality and glanced over at Rose. "D'you think-"
Oh.
She was asleep. Out cold on his shoulder, the faintest trace of a smile on her lips. He grinned.
"Didn't your mum ever tell you not to sleep on the floor?" He got to his feet and brought her with him, cradling her against his chest as he carried her to her room. "You'll catch a cold, you will."
Pushing the door open with his foot he brought her across the carpeted floor, laying her against her pillows and pushing her hair out of her face. Her eyes blinked open, bleary, and he froze.
"Mm... Doctor?" She squinted to bring him into focus.
"Oops." He made a show of guilt, but he was smiling like a fool and knew she saw right through him. Always had, really. "You fell asleep on me in the console room. Didn't want you to hurt yourself- fall over onto the grating, what have you. Accident prone, you lot. Bed's better for falling. Can't really get hurt, unless you fall off of it. Don't do that, alright?"
Rose sat up and stretched, her back making a popping noise as she raised her arms above her head.
"Oops." She giggled, and looked up at him where he stood leaning against her wall, hands tucked into his jacket pockets and lips curved in a smile. "You feelin' all righ'?"
"What, me?" He glanced up at the ceiling, then back down at her. "Oh, yeah, I'm fine, totally fine. Kind of antsy, really. Regeneration always makes me antsy. Where d'you wanna go?"
"Hmm..." She thought for a moment, then glanced up at him with the light of adventure in her eyes. "Why don't you surprise me?"
"Oh, but I always do that! Oh, hold on, I've got it. C'mere." He grabbed her hand and pulled her to her feet, running with her to the console room. He fiddled with dials and pressed buttons and flipped switches and pulled levers in an order that made sense only to him, and when he'd finished whatever he'd been doing he pulled Rose over to him and showed her a panel with six buttons on the console.
"Here we are," he said softly, stooping to rest his chin on her shoulder, his hands grasping the edge of the console on either side of her body, "why don't you surprise me. Just press one of those buttons and pull this-" He tapped one of the many levers in front of them, "-and we'll be on our way. I'll even shut my eyes so you know I'm not cheating." And he closed his eyes, waiting patiently for the whirring of the TARDIS engines and the sudden jerking that would send them tumbling to the ground, shouting and laughing as if it was the very first time.
He felt the metal grating tremble beneath his feet and grinned excitedly, preparing himself for the fall- but it never came. Instead he felt Rose shift before him and her hands found a place on his chest, and lips pressed against his for the briefest of moments as the engines came to life. The floor shook and the entire ship tilted on her axis, and with a whoop the Doctor tumbled with his companion onto the floor, an arm around her waist to keep her from rolling away. It was a particularly rocky ride, and he had to grab onto the metal railing with one hand to keep them from sliding all over the place. He kept a firm grip on her, roaring with laughter until at last the lurching stopped and they slid down to the floor, gasping for air.
"Oh, boy, that was a wild ride!" He got up and dusted himself off, grasping Rose's hand and pulling her to her feet. "What'd you do, deactivate the interior stabilizer? Brilliant idea, just brilliant, who needs Coney Island when you've got the TARDIS- right, then, let's see where we are!"
He opened the door and made a sweeping bow, looking up at her through his eyelashes. "After you, milady."
Rose returned his grin and stepped over the threshold, clapping her hands together once she'd stepped into the grass outside the TARDIS. She poked her head back in before he could follow her.
"Maybe not Coney Island," she said wryly, "but how about New Coney Island?"
The Doctor's face lit up. "Oh, you're kidding me."
"I'm not." She grabbed his hand and ran with him, the door closing behind them as they ran forward together and breathed in the New Earth air. Applegrass tickled their legs and their senses and they collapsed into it, laughing blissfully, lying side by side as they stared up at the city skyline.
"New New York," he said with a sigh, tucking his hands behind his head. "It's been a while, but baby, you look the same."
"You don't, though." Rose turned over onto her side and propped her head up on her hand, and though she grinned her eyes were serious. "How's it feel- same
person but not?"
"Oh, it's all right, really. Used to it by now." He clicked his tongue. "New teeth, though, that's always weird. Got to learn how to talk all over again. And you, you're coping pretty well. I thought it'd freak you out, me being me but not really me. Appropriate, isn't it? New New York, New New Doctor. Only it's more like New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New York and, uh, New New New New New New New New New New Doctor." He counted off on his fingers as he spoke, grinning wryly at her when he finished. "Goodness, I talk a lot. Sorry. You'll have to get used to it."
"Nah, that's alright." Rose shook her head and moved closer, a murmured "Budge up" making him shift so she could snuggle up against him, lay her head on his shoulder. He smiled to himself and allowed her, wrapping his arm up around her shoulders.
"Like the applegrass, do you?" He looked over at her, a wry look in his eyes. "Expect that's why you're rolling about in it."
She laughed, a charming, rich sound that he thought was almost musical. "No, I'm trying to get on your coat so I don't have any bugs crawling around on me! This is a while into the future, maybe their feet carry a disease that my body can't handle!"
It was an excuse and they both knew it, but the Doctor took off his long cost and spread it on the grass they both could lie comfortably upon it (and not have to worry about insects, although there was really nothing to worry about). To his delight she took up her previous position, folding her hands on her stomach and staring up at the sky. He crossed his ankles.
"It was orange on Gallifrey," he said quietly. She glanced over, raised her eyebrows in confusion. "The sky. It was orange. The leaves on the trees were silver. When the twin suns rose it looked like the forests were on fire- it was marvelous, absolutely marvelous. There was the Citadel, encased in a glass dome, and outside of that these great big hills of grass. Rolling hills of red grass, as far as the eye could see. And the mountains were capped with snow. It was the most beautiful place in the universe." He exhaled slowly, unable to hide the sorrow in his voice as he continued, "and I destroyed it. I turned that beautiful planet into dust, and I slaughtered its people. My people. I don't know how you stand to be around me, Rose. I can barely stand to be around myself. I only carry on because there's nothing else I can do. Can't settle anywhere. Don't really want to, but that's beside the point. I'd stick out like a sore thumb anywhere. Draw hostiles to an otherwise peaceful planet, hostiles tracking the TARDIS- tracking me. I can't do that. So I beat on, a boat against the current, born back ceaselessly into the past." A sigh. "Francis Scott Fitzgerald. Brilliant man. Loved his books. I met him, once, him and his wife Zelda. She went mad, poor thing. But they loved each other to the end."
He raised a hand dismissively. "Boy, I talk a lot. Throat hurts now. Probably didn't catch a word of that, did you?" He put on a smile and tried to be cheerful.
"I heard everything." Rose's voice was quiet and solemn, like his had been just seconds ago. "And I'm sorry, Doctor. I'm so, so sorry. I can't imagine what that must be like, but..." She sounded so small, so afraid, and he sat up in alarm, peering down her through his glasses.
"What is it?" Suddenly he remembered, in the TARDIS, a little while ago, the brush of her lips. He hadn't thought much about it, probably because he hadn't really been paying much attention to it, but he was paying attention now and he felt it as if it was happening again. Felt her lips on his, her hands on his chest, and the burst of something in his hearts. He wasn't sure what it was, couldn't put a word to it, but he knew what it felt like, knew what it probably was, and it all made sense.
"Oh." He sounded like a man who'd just found out that the answer to a seemingly impossible problem was actually quite simple. "Oh." He lay back down and tucked his arm under her shoulders, pulling her close. Automatically she shifted closer, probably confused, but at least she didn't pull away. Evidence he was correct.
He turned onto his side to face her, and pushed her hair out of her face with a gentle hand. A hand steeped in sin, perhaps, but a hand that had been gentle and would continue to be. And, uncertainty in his eyes for just a moment, he brushed his lips against hers in a slow but very brief kiss, like the one she'd given him earlier.
And that was his excuse.
"Well, you know, I figured," he began instantly, not even giving her time to ask, "since, you know, before, in the TARDIS, I figured you might-"
She silenced him with a kiss of her own, equally as slow but lasting for far longer than the previous two. She was much better at it than he was, it was obvious in the way she move her lips- she did so confidently, taking the lead, while he tried to copy her, tried to pass it off as if he knew what he was doing. But he figured, as usual, she'd see right through him.
He could have gone on forever, but she needed to physically breathe (unlike himself) and so he pulled away, bliss in his eyes as he watched her fill her lungs with air. She tasted like salt, and some sort of sweet, and the mint toothpaste she'd used before she came out and found him sitting all alone on the TARDIS floor.
Never again. He knew without a doubt that he would have her- not always, because that was too much to ask, but he would have her for a good long time, and when the end came he would say his goodbyes. And yeah, he'd be torn up for a while, maybe even destroyed again, but then he would hear her laugh on the autumn breeze and it would be just a little bit easier to live without her.
But he didn't want to think about that right now. For right now his world was beginning anew, and he saw stars in her eyes.