A/N: I saw Twilight the other day, and as a mildly tenacious protester of the whole affair, I wrote this. It's a parody, not a bashing, but mostly based off the movie 'cause its been a while since I read the book. Grandma and various teachers are OC, for comedic purposes, and also because I'm too lazy to come up with CLAMP characters for them.

Warnings: ...shounenai? Vampires? Small hard candies that look like Big Ben?

On the strange, late eve of March 3rd, Kurogane Suwa laid moodily in his bedroom with the distinct feeling that someone was watching him. He'd checked the window several times, however, and found nothing there except scraggily spider webs and chipping paint. There was a pine tree or two in the view of the dusty glass. But no movement.

Kurogane made a loud, aggravated sound out of his nose as his grandmother's obnoxious rap music came leaking through the thin, old walls of the damn house he'd been forced to move into three weeks ago.

105 North Street. The devil's workhouse.

"Shirley!" he yelled, throwing a book from his bedside table against his door. "Keep it down! I have school tomorrow!"

Shirley Marcowitz, his grandmother on his father's side, was an estranged, 82-year old woman who insisted she was still 25.

"You're not my mother!" came the piercing voice from the other room.

Kurogane growled, hating his parents more and more with each second for not allowing him to join them on their ridiculous year-long journey to Paraguay, and instead shoving him on a dingy train that took him all the way from New York City to the middle of effing nowhere. Also known as Klocknel, South Carolina.

He had only turned seventeen the previous month, though he was abnormally tall and built for his age. His tan skin and dark, spiky hair combined with blood-red eyes and a cross disposition made him quite the intimidating man, which had always suited him just fine.

Shirley turned her music up, much to Kurogane's utter distain, and he stuffed his head angrily under a pillow. Again the feeling came that he was being watched, but he blatantly ignored it. It was the night before his first day as a junior at Klocknel High School, and the more sleep he got the less he'd have to make an effort to try and not kill himself from fatigue the next day.

*

Never mind, Kurogane thought the next morning as Shirley's red Porsche rocketed out of the school parking lot at an extremely illegal speed and he was left to gaze sourly at his new hellhole of a learning institution. I'm going to have to make an effort to try and not kill myself anyway.

It was a crappy little thing, plaster walls cracking and bricks missing from the framework. Kurogane walked in his homeroom among irrelevant chatter and cackling laughter, feeling mildly bored. He sat down near the back and promptly laid his head down on his desk.

"Hi," said a voice, right beside his ear.

Kurogane felt his eye twitch in pure annoyance, but he looked up anyway. A short girl with sparkling eyes and long, black hair stood eagerly next to him, bouncing on the balls of her feet.

"Yes?" he said, waiting for whatever the hell she had to tell him that was apparently so important it had to be revealed right away.

"I'm Tomoyo," she said, sticking out her hand. "You must be the new kid."

Kurogane grimaced and reluctantly gave her a handshake as briefly as possible. "…Kurogane," he supplied feebly.

"Cool," Tomoyo said happily. "Over there is Mokona," she added, pointing to a small white-haired girl who was peering curiously at them from the corner.

"Mokona is glad to meet you!" she called, waving cheerily.

Kurogane waved back uncertainly. "Why… is she talking in third person?" he asked.

Tomoyo shrugged. "No one knows," she said. Then she turned back to Kurogane. "Have you gone to the main office yet?"

"Uh," said Kurogane, unaware he had to. "No."

Her eyes lit up. "Perfect! We'll take you there!" She motioned hurriedly to Mokona, who got up from her desk, tripping in the process, and scrambled to Tomoyo's side.

Kurogane sighed, knowing if he went with them they'd never leave him alone. But, he supposed, it was better having a guide to the school rather than wandering around clueless until he got fed up and punched out a wall or five.

The main office was a dismal place, much like the rest of the damn school, and the woman sitting behind the desk there looked like a cross-breed between a beaver and a large frog. It smelled vaguely of chlorine, which did nothing to help Kurogane's mounting headache.

"Mrs. Bradford?" Tomoyo said tentatively.

Beaver/frog-lady glared at them through beady eyes. "What?" she croaked.

Mrs.? Kurogane thought. Who the effing crap would marry her?

"This is the new kid," said Tomoyo, gesturing to Kurogane. "He hasn't reported to you yet."

The creature was silent, chewing on something unseen by the rest of them—probably the carcass of other students, Kurogane mused—and then finally sighed heavily.

"Jo," she barked into the intercom.

"Yeah?" came a deep, manly voice from the other end.

"New kid."

"…I'll get back to you on that," the intercom crackled.

Beaver-frog peered up at them again. "Come back later," she snarled, and they were all too happy to oblige as they rushed quickly out the door.

*

Lunch wasn't much better. As Kurogane had expected, the food was total crap and the horrid fluorescent lighting in the cafeteria had increased his migraine tenfold.

"You okay?" Tomoyo asked, noticing the boy had his head placed in both his hands. "You've been acting like you want to throw up ever since homeroom."

Kurogane looked up and pushed away his lunch tray in disgust. "I kind of do," he said.

"You're not a very social person, are you?" Tomoyo observed, taking a bite of her sandwich as Mokona hummed and picked at her salad happily.

Kurogane frowned.

She giggled slightly. "Okay, obviously not. How do you like Klocknel High so far, then?"

He rolled his eyes. "I've seen ghettos nicer than this," he replied.

"You'll learn to like it," Tomoyo said, patting him on the back reassuringly.

"Mokona loves it here!" Mokona chirped.

"You would," Kurogane muttered, seconds before there was a loud banging noise from behind them.

They spun around. The double doors to the cafeteria had flown open, letting a cold breeze from outside sweep across the room. Standing in the opening was a tall, pale-skinned boy with glittering blue eyes and white-blond, flyaway hair. He surveyed the place slyly for a few moments before taking a composed and elegant step into the array of gawking students.

The cafeteria exploded. Girls giggled and shrieked, guys hollered their greetings; some stood on tables and clapped while others rushed up to talk urgently with the kid. All the while he walked calmly through the room, waving jovially to his crowd of avid fans and smiling gauzily.

"The hell?" Kurogane spat, glancing around at the spastic mob (including Mokona, who had just fallen out of her chair trying to get a good look at the newcomer).

Tomoyo grinned. "Fai D. Flowright just arrived," she laughed.

"What the crap? Who comes to school in the middle of lunch?" Kurogane asked angrily, already irritated with this guy's bizarre antics.

"Fai D. Flowright," Tomoyo said.

The boy was nearing them now, talking softly with a frantic Indian girl. He placed his hand on her shoulder, and she nodded with defeat before scurrying away. Then he spotted Tomoyo, and dashed over to their table cheerily.

"Tomoyo!" he said. "How have you been?"

"Pretty good," she answered, as though they were old friends. (And for all Kurogane knew, they probably were. This guy seemed like the type to, at some point in his life, have been in a mental rehabilitation center, with Tomoyo as his counselor.) "It's nice to have you back."

"Ah, yes." Fai nodded vehemently. "London was fascinating though! Quite the city. Wish I could have stayed there for more than two weeks." He then turned his attention to an extremely bouncy Mokona. "Hello Mokona!" The two engaged in some sort of elaborate handshake, both laughing heartily when it was finished.

"Mokona is glad Fai is back!"

"Thanks, Mokona!" Fai snapped his fingers together. "That's right; I got you something while I was there!" He dug into one of the pockets on his long white trench coat and pulled out a miniature model of Big Ben, which on closer inspection turned out to be a hard candy of some kind.

Mokona squealed and hugged Fai.

"And for the lovely Tomoyo--" He produced a little gold pin. "Here you are."

"Thank you!" Tomoyo said happily.

"It was nothing," replied Fai. His eyes suddenly flicked over to Kurogane, and he raised his eyebrows in mild surprise. "Why hello," he said.

"Hn," grunted Kurogane.

"This is Kurogane," Tomoyo introduced politely. "He transferred here today."

"Pleasure to meet you," said Fai, smirking deviously. "I'm Fai D. Flowright."

"'Kay," Kurogane replied curtly, with absolutely no interest whatsoever.

This only widened Fai's grin. "Well, I have to be off to class. I've got some make-up work to do, you know!"

"Of course," said Tomoyo.

"Bye!" said Mokona.

Fai waved, then looked Kurogane straight in the face and winked before daintily spinning on his heels and traipsing away.

Kurogane felt anger flare up inside of him. "Did he just wink at me?" he asked incredulously.

Tomoyo snorted lightly and went back to her sandwich while Mokona gnawed obnoxiously at her British candy. Kurogane, mumbling bitterly, resolved to simply kill the idiot next time he saw him.

*

He forgot completely about Fai until last period, when Biology came.

"Hi, I'm Kurogane Suwa," he told the science teacher in a bored fashion, feeling the deadweight of his tiring day piling on top of his shoulders.

"Oh, hello," replied the teacher. "I'm Mr. Piko. Your seat is the empty one there in row three."

Kurogane glanced over. There was his seat. And filling the one directly next to it was a sight that made him want to hurl large cinderblocks at windows.

Fai D. Flowright gestured at Kurogane ecstatically, his blonde hair floating everywhere as he pointed to the seat beside him.

"Seriously?" said Kurogane, turning back to the teacher.

"Class is about to begin; please sit down," said Mr. Piko, ignoring the student's expression of stark horror.

Kurogane made his way over to the seat as slowly as physically possible, finally taking his place on the stool as though it was about to explode.

"Hello~!" said Fai in a sing-song tone, leaning on his hand lazily. "Kurogane, was it?"

Kurogane grumbled.

"A serious name to match a serious man!" Fai giggled. "I think you need something far less intense, like Kuro-nii… or Kuro-puu!"

"Excuse me?" said Kurogane sharply. Like hell he was going to let this crackhead get away with calling him outlandish nicknames.

"So, tell me what phase you think this is!" Fai pushed a microscope in Kurogane's direction, smiling blindly.

Kurogane peered into the lens, disgruntled. "Prophase," he growled.

"I thought it was newphase!" Fai proclaimed, shoving his head beneath Kurogane's without warning and examining the microscope himself.

"That doesn't exist," Kurogane said irritably, mentally cursing his life.

"Really?" gasped Fai, going back over his notes flippantly. "Oh my, you're right! What would I do without you, Kuro-puu?"

"IT'S KUROGANE," he yelled, officially fed up after no less than a minute.

Boy, Kuro-puff, you're a real grump, you know that?"

"Shut up."

Fai laughed musically. "So where did you move here from?"

"Like I'd tell you," Kurogane muttered, moving on to the next cell slide.

"Kuro-grouch…"

"Stop calling me those damn names!"

"I will if you'll tell me where you're from."

"No, you won't."

"Hyuu~, Kuro-poof reads me like a book!" Fai cheered.

"Good for me," said Kurogane. "This is anaphase by the way."

"Kuro-nii's so smart!" said the blonde, scribbling down the answer.

"New York," Kurogane answered after a second or two.

Fai blinked. "Sorry?"

"I'm from New York City." Kurogane glared at his lab partner. "Don't ask any more questions."

There was a bit of sustained silence. Then Fai's face broke out into a huge grin. "The Big Apple, huh? That's cool. Yeah, I was there once. I went to the Statue of Liberty, and climbed all the way to the very top! Have you ever been the Statue of Liberty?"

"Yes."

"It's really amazing! Too bad they had to close it after 9/11, right? Or are they opening it again? I heard somewhere that they were opening it again. Did you hear that?"

"No."

"Well, you can never be too sure. You know, there was a similar situation in 1791 with Thomas Jefferson…" He blabbered on in the background as Kurogane pinched the bridge of his nose exasperatingly.

It looked like the beginning of a horrible, insane, one-sided, crack-filled friendship.