Just a piece of FanFic Crack or should I call it an intentional Bad!Fic? OOC and clichés abound…
Please let me know how bad it is ;D Remember - the intention is to fill an entire plot with as many cliches as possible
Separating the Men from the Boys
John turned around and asked Rodney, "So is this an energy reading or a trade mission?"
Rodney glowered at him petulantly, "Trade I think…uh…" He grabbed a scanner out of his tac vest pocket and spun around in a full circle with the tiny device in front of his face, "Yep, no energy readings. It's definitely a trade mission."
John smiled, "I thought so."
They walked into the generic Pegasus Galaxy village, complete with tents and toothless traders flogging their wares. Poorly clad and mud streaked villagers wandered around trying to look busy.
A large man, even more toothless than his fellow villagers trotted over to them and said with open arms, "Welcome to our humble home, fair and weary travellers."
Rodney rolled his eyes dramatically and folded his arms across his chest. John just smiled back at him gormlessly.
The man continued to speak as he ushered them to walk with him to the main square in the centre of the village, "How rude of me, my name's Jimmi."
John turned to Rodney next to him and spoke quietly, "That doesn't sound like a Pegasus Galaxy name."
Rodney gave John a smug look and said, "You obviously weren't listening properly. He said his name's Jimmi with an 'I' at the end."
John nodded, "Oh yeah."
They soon reached the square, which was busting and buzzing and busy (and various other 'bu' words) with villagers rushing about their very important tasks. It seemed that every other person had a goat creature tucked under their arm and bird's nest on their head.
Rodney and John watched the scene before them incredulously. Rodney was just about to ask about the goats when a small twitter broke out above him and the next thing he knew a white splat landed on his shoulder. He grimaced when he saw the damage.
Jimmi smiled at him, "You have been blessed! Bless you!" He closed his eyes and gave Rodney a little bow.
Rodney frowned, while John started to laugh.
Jimmi straightened up and held out his arms like a scarecrow as he opened his mouth in a gummy grin, "You must be here to trade and I assure you; you will be pleasantly surprised with what we have."
John was just about to follow him, when Rodney squeaked, "Oh my!" and ran over to the fountain that had just appeared in the middle of the square.
"A ZedPM!" Rodney got out his scanner and started walking around the fountain in a gleeful and energetic circle. He sighed loudly whenever he came across a stray goat and had to bend down to shove it out of his way.
His eyes sparkled with excitement as he tore them away from the scanner and gazed dreamily up at the dull orange ZPM imbedded in the fountain. He then reached forwards and touched the device.
As soon as he brushed his fingertips against the ZPM a stunned silence broke out and the villagers all stopped moving. The tension in the air was only broken by noise of the occasional bleat, twitter or splat.
Rodney noticed everyone had stopped in their tracks and drew his hand back, "Um… whoops? Sorry."
John went over and stood next to him, "Is there any power?"
Rodney turned to John, "No. It's completely drained anyway."
Jimmi was frowning, "You have disturbed our sacred relic, but you said you were sorry, so all is forgiven."
As if the clock had suddenly been started again after time was frozen; there was a collective shrug and sigh from all of the villagers and they started moving about their business again.
Jimmi smiled again as Rodney and John came back over to him, "Now let us talk about goats." He leaned forwards to speak with them like he was sharing a massive conspiracy, "Tell me about the goats on your world. How big are they? How many do you have?" His voice started to rise in excitement at the prospect of trading with John and Rodney.
Rodney furrowed his brow and said indignantly, "I'm a scientist not a farmer. I couldn't care less about goats and we don't have any goats!"
John gave him a warning look, "McKay, play nice," while Jimmi straightened up and looked a little put out.
Jimmi spoke again, "How about fruit then? We not only have a wide selection of goats, but we also have many types of fruit."
Rodney sighed and rolled his eyes.
John said, "Alright, show us what you have."
Jimmi smiled at them and walked over to a stall that had just appeared at the edge of the square next to them. He lifted up a small and bright blue, lemon shaped object. He held it aloft in glory and announced loudly, "This is our most sacred and delicious fruit. Many men have died to bring the fruit to our market. Gathering this fruit involves a trek through the howling canyon and ten whole nights beyond the airless sea."
John frowned at the speech and Rodney looked terrified at the tiny fruit.
"We are proud to call this fruit our own and name them…" he lowered his hand and held the blue lemon in his palm close to Rodney's wide-eyed face, "Blue-mers!"
"Bloomers?" John said incredulously.
Rodney gave him a sullen look, "You need to learn how to listen better John. He said 'blue-mer.'"
Jimmi nodded in satisfaction and waggled the blue lemon even closer under Rodney's nose.
Rodney shrieked and ran behind John to get away from it, "He's trying to kill me!" He cried out.
John gave Jimmi a long suffering look and said, "He's allergic and he's not lying. That probably would kill him."
Jimmi suddenly tilted his head back and hooted loudly into the air. The villagers once again froze in time to watch.
A deafening bleat rent through the silence close to Rodney. He looked down at the goat sitting on his foot and pushed it forcefully off himself.
Ten men carrying spears suddenly appeared out of nowhere and ran towards Rodney and John who raised their guns towards the oncoming guards.
Jimmi turned back to them and said malevolently, "You insult us. You must die."
Rodney held his gun tightly in his shaking hands and muttered, "As if the drained ZedPM were not an insult to us and now you threaten me with a blue lemon. John we need to get out of here," his voice reached a high pitched whine at the end.
John said, "I agree."
They turned tail and ran as fast as they could. They ran into a large and thick forest which suddenly appeared around the village as thrown spears sailed past their heads and impacted in the trees around them.
Rodney shouted as a spear hit the tree next to him.
John hung back and pushed Rodney onwards if he stumbled. They soon lost the guards and John let them stop for a breather.
Rodney bent over at the waist and drew in deep and shaky breaths, "Whoa! I'm completely spent. I think I've now got blisters the size of my feet on my heels."
John raised his eyebrows and said slowly, "Okaaaay."
Rodney suddenly straightened up and held his throat, "You don't think I'm going blue do you? Only I think I inhaled some lemon dust back there and I can't breathe properly."
John shook his head, "If anything McKay, your face is really red. Seriously you need to shape up a bit."
Rodney lifted his hands up to his face and groaned, "I think I'm dying."
"Come on McKay, that's quitter talk. Snap out of it."
Rodney frowned in annoyance at John and then looked around at the forest. They then continued to walk a little more slowly back to the Gate.
There were fine pine trees in a line around them. As they watched they saw the sky through the canopy, which made them want to be able to fly or just to lie on the ground and cry at the beauty.
"That's really, really terrible," Rodney said as he stopped and crossed his arms over his chest.
John turned to him and frowned, "What is?"
"Look at all that stuff we've got to climb over!" He pointed to the fallen tree that had suddenly appeared in front of them, blocking the path.
John replied, "Oh, come on McKay. It's not that bad."
"How about 'awful' then?"
John led them around the fallen tree and they were suddenly in a large clearing where the gate was. The pursuing villagers had mysteriously disappeared a while ago, even though they obviously had murderous intentions against the two Lanteans.
John stepped up to the DHD and dialled Atlantis. The wormhole formed and he followed Rodney through the blue portal back to the city.
-----
John sat in the Mess Hall a little later, while Rodney ate blue jello opposite him.
John was tapping away on the screen of his tablet filling in a mission report. He sighed and said, "Yep, that's another one off the list."
He glanced over the fifty gate addresses on the screen and crossed off the twentieth one. He added a small footnote next to the address
'Goats and blue lemons. Possible trade partners, but better wait a few more months. Oh, and unless you want to be chased out of the village by spear wielding lunatics:
'DON'T TAKE McKAY.'
He smiled in satisfaction and put the tablet down on the table as he stretched his chair.
Rodney looked up at him, "So where are we off to next?"
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The End
A/N - Prompt was: The team is off world and get into trouble with the locals...how does it happen?