Hi, this is me and this is my story; told from the depths of the sky as I peer down to see the tiny humans scramble on with their lives like ants. Even now as I tower them, I am nothing but a shadow, a no one but I'm okay with this; I'm okay with being this sad, this weak, this hurt- this lost. Today the sun is shining and the sky is at its brightest but none of that matter because my world is grey- it has been grey for a while now and it only gets darker as I keep spiraling into my sadness.
Sadness…such a weird symptom to be associated with life, to be the reason to believe in hope and to be the end result of love. Sadness- something I have felt for so long and have tried to fight so hard but now I am being overcome by it, by the pain, by my doubt that I am worthy and by my tortured mind. Do you see what I mean by I am weak? I have overcome so much but I don't have the strength anymore. I have reached out, asked for help and have been abandoned by the ones I need the most. I have stood alone, bled so much and have cried but no one can see it; no one can see this broken girl, no one wants to…no one cares to.
My past is a place my mind seems to linger in; it's full of suffering and torment yet full of warmth and smiles. Have you ever felt like your mind is out to get you? I'm almost positive mine is. I don't remember much about my childhood; I can't remember being innocent and running freely- I always see his face, the one who has made me and has destroyed me…my father. I am his blood; I am just as dirty as him. I look in the mirror and I see shame looking back at me.
I try to outrun him, my past…everything! I've tried but even in my sleep, it's always there- they always find me and I always scream for help but no one can come get me. I dream of death, I dream of being alone but I want to live and I want to be saved but no one is here.
No one can understand me and that is okay I suppose; I'm not here to be understood but the promises of someone trying to, of someone being there to hold me high or to catch me…it's all so tempting and dangerous but I rely on those promises even when they get broken a million times; I rely on empty actions and beautiful words, I rely on someone but that person is gone now. I drove him away because I am broken, because I don't know how to be happy anymore; my smile is barely there and the last of it went with him.
To you reading this, this doesn't even come close to the pain I feel- this is just the tip of the iceberg but soon it won't matter. The truth is I never belonged; I was never meant to live happily, I never was meant to be a normal girl. I'm not beautiful or smart or talented- I'm just me but apparently that's not good enough for anyone. Heh, there's a few birds soaring the sky now. I'm jealous of them- they are freer than all of us; they aren't bound by societal expectations or by stereotypes- they just fly with the wind and be, you know.
So this is it, I'm going to take a leap of faith. I'm on the edge now and I'm just hoping that you, the one reading this, will have learnt to be a little more kind, a little more caring and a little more meaningful in the words you have spoken to someone who needs it the most. This is it; I'm happy you took the time to read a vague summary of my life, of a nameless girl, of someone who could have been something if given the chance, of someone who could have been your friend…of someone who is your friend.
This is the end.
Goodbye.