Title: The Puir Laddie Who Lived
Author: Fojee aka Punk Bandit
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and Severus Snape belong to J.K. Rowling while Tiffany Aching and the Nac mac Feegle belong to Terry Pratchett. I own nothing. No baby rabbits were harmed in the writing of this fic. Or three-headed dogs.
Warnings: Set after "A Hat Full of Sky" in the Discworld, and an AU in the Harry Potter universe. May allude to other books from the Discworld—especially the witches—and all the books in Harry Potter, particularly the third and fifth. It also mostly ignores "Wintersmith." This may be considered pre-slash (or pre-het) if you squint really hard, although the pairings I've left to whichever you desire, except that Ginny's not in it.
A/N: I haven't read "The Sorcerer's Stone" in a while, so this is a reworking of Book One from memory. Also, this will not have a sequel, as I've tried to kill off all the bad guys in one fell swoop. This story exists thanks to my beta reader, cheerleader, and younger sister Gide Thomas.
Prologue
Rob Anybody was bored. It had been a couple of moons since the adventure with the hiver and the wee hag, and he was getting restless. Not even the little ones could hold his attention for long. Nac mac Feegle were independent creatures, even the ones who were barely old enough to walk. He was hesitant to bring up the idea to the kelda however, knowing she was a wee bit touchy these days.
After weeks of hawing and hemming about it however, Jeannie sighed before demanding to know what's wrong.
"Me an' the laddies were plannin' on takin' a wee trip," Rob announced with his customary bluster.
Jeannie's eyes narrowed. "Yer gonna visit the hag again, are ye?"
Rob shook his head furiously. "Nae, Jeannie. It's jus' that Hamish found oot a doorway near the Aching cottage. We wanta ken where it goes."
It only took three lectures before Jeannie agreed.
888
Halloween was particularly unusual that year. Several would remember the missing things even years later, the mysterious disappearances of the scotch in the pantry, the vodka inside the cabinets, and the bottles of wine in the cellar. A little girl remembered the disappearance of all her twenty-three baby rabbits. Her parents were just relieved.
But none of them remembered the green skull that lit up the sky, nor the wreckage of a house that collapsed in the middle of the night. As far as they were concerned, Godric's Hollow had always been a ruin. And nobody had lived there since forever.
The bottles and baby rabbits weren't the only disappearance that night. By the time a half-giant arrived at the ruins, there was no sign of life to be found amidst the rubble. And the small family of James, Lily, and Harry Potter was assumed to have perished.
The Dark Lord had vanished. But they had no hero to award. The war was over. But it took them months to notice. Nobody connected it to the attack at Godric's Hollow. All they knew was that Sirius Black had finally shown his true colors, and had blasted thirteen muggles along with Peter Pettigrew. That was the last documented Death Eater attack. The years of uneasy peace ensued.
888
Tiffany Aching opened the door of the cottage. She blinked down at the six inch high blue creature on her doorstep. Rob Anybody looked up sheepishly, but Tiffany didn't see his expression. The baby he was carrying covered his entire face, until only the tips of his red hair showed.
Tiffany found herself accepting the baby in her arms. The kid was sleeping, his black hair in messy tufts on his head. There was a scar on his forehead shaped like a lightning bolt.
"Rob Anybody, what is this all about?" She demanded as soon as she recognized the blue man.
Rob shrugged. "Me an' the laddies found 'im somewhere. But Jeannie couldna look after a bigjob, even a wee little one. So I thought the puir lad would do well with yer."
"Oh no you don't," Tiffany glared down over the bundle in her arms, "I can't go and bring up a baby! I'm not old enough!"
"Yer a hag, aren't ye? Hags are good wi' the little ones."
Tiffany just looked down at the baby. His eyes had opened; they were a vivid green that seemed to see right through her. She didn't know what to say.
And that was how Tiffany Aching ended up raising Harry Potter on the world that sat on the backs of four elephants atop a giant turtle that flew through space.