Disclaimer - Original characters and original plot belongs to SKAM.
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?
WHAT'S WONG WITH YOU?!
EVEN, WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!
His words screamed at me. I felt embarrassed, hurt and ashamed. I truly believed he felt the same way as I did but turns out I was wrong, I always got it wrong and I always seemed to fuck everything up, there is something seriously wrong with me. It's this illness, I fucking hate it! It makes me not think straight makes me do stupid and crazy shit. Like trying to kiss my best friend when all he did was being there for me. I've fucked it now. Friendship over. He will tell the rest of the boys and soon the whole school will find out and I'll be the new laughing stock of Elvebakken high. It was my last year at that place and I would be finished with the teenage drama bullshit. Only five months to go and I've just made it worse for myself! Mikael and I have been best friends since our first year. We both had a passion for film and bonded during our media class one afternoon. At first it was just friendship; two buddies's hanging out talking about girls, computer games and movies. But as the years went on, my feelings for him grew. Deep down I knew he wasn't into guys, I knew that. But on that day, it didn't matter to me. See, when I'm having a manic episode, I don't think I just do. It's like I can't control it, I can't stop myself there's this voice in the back of your head saying don't do this, this isn't right stop before you regret it what are you doing?! But it's an impulse and at the moment, you don't think you don't care until it hits you and then, well then comes the depression.
I ran as fast as I could that day, ran all the way from Mikael's house to mines. I didn't even stop to catch my breath. I just wanted to get home and fall apart in my bedroom, alone.
I slam the front door shut, I don't even want to be greeted by my mother, and I just run straight to my bedroom. My back against the door it's all hitting me now. The face Mikael gave me as I leaned in to kiss him, his reaction and now the thought of that I have lost my best friend forever. Why am I like this? Why do I fuck up everything? I'm useless. I shouldn't be here. Not in this world not anyone more. Everyone is better off without me.
I can hear my mother shouting on me. Asking if I'm ok But I ignore her. My back slides down the door and I hug my knees. I can't keep my emotions in anymore. And I weep. I weep for the friend I had lost, I weep for Sonja for having a fucked up boyfriend and I weep for my parents who had to have a son like me. I just want out.
It had been a month since the Mikael thing. It had been a month since I swallowed all of my depression tablets; it had been a month since my poor mother saw my lifeless body lying on the bathroom floor.
I couldn't face going back to school. I'm sure everyone knows by now what I tried to do. Mikael and to myself I knew they would be whispers every time I entered and left a room, staring and laughter. I knew it was time to face the music but I wasn't ready for it. I had missed so much of school; I was failing every class even media, which was my favourite subject. It was also the class I was dreading the most, the fear of seeing him. He and Elias tried to get in contact with me, they even contacted Sonja but I couldn't face it, I couldn't face them, I couldn't face myself and explain to them why I did those things. No one knows that I'm bipolar, only my parents and Sonja and I wanted to keep it that way. It's bad enough with Sonja, always monitoring me, babysitting me and constantly asking me if I'm ok. I want getting sick of it and I knew others would be the same or act different around me and I just couldn't stand that.
Mikael is laughing and joking away with Eskild, I stare at them for a second before I take a seat up the back. Eskild is sitting where I normally sit. I've been replaced. As I walk past them, I can feel their eyes on me, burning into the back of my neck. Mikael face is now emotionless. He turns his head round and looks in my direction; I ignore it and bury my head into my text book.
"How bad is it?" I ask the student had visor while I sit in the chair across from her.
"You're failing every class, even. You have two options. Summer school or repeat your final year"
I wanted scream. Why have I done this to myself? It's my own fault I missed way too much school and skipped too many classes. I didn't want to either. Summer school is for the stoners and the rejects of the school and the thought of returning to this school for another year made my blood go cold. I was already labelled Psycho Even and the freak. I couldn't bare another year of that. It would kill me.
A few weeks had gone passed and I still didn't make up my mind what I was going to do. Only had a few months left till summer break. I sit on my bunk bed with Sonja. I wanted her advice. As much as I nagged about her I always listened to what she had to say I respected her opinions and she was always right, most of time anyway.
"You could do summer school and then just take a gap year then apply to uni" She suggested.
"I won't get into uni, I'll have enough units to graduate but not enough to go to uni, and I would need to do the full year for that"
"It won't be that bad. Kids at school will have forgotten by then"
I let out a sigh "Sonja, I walked into the cafatria naked singing pretty woman, I don't think that's something people are going to forget"
It was true, every time I walked down the halls, I could hear the second years singing the song as I walked past them.
This happened in between the events of Mikael and my attempted suicide. After I tried to kiss my best friend and the outcome became a mess. I started to unravel, I became unapproachable. I could hear people talking to me but it just didn't sink in. I was anxious and excited all at once. I couldn't stay still, my body would have a mind of its own, my arms would twitch and my legs would dance. And I was really in the mood to dance that day. I got to the cafeteria and just thought fuck it. I removed my jacket, my t-shirt, my jeans and then my boxers. I didn't even notice the students sitting there, talking to their friends talking about the weekend. They were blurred out to me, they didn't matter.
After I'm dragged down by the Principal, my parents were called in. The principal already knew I was manic depressive; it was all in my medical files. I got suspended for two weeks and that was only because of my circumstance.
Sonja didn't respond to what I had said, she just looked away awkwardly. I was royally fucked.
After Sonja left, I went into the Livingroom; my parents were on the sofa, my mum reading one of her novel and my father watching the football. I slouched onto the sofa next to mum; she could tell there was something wrong.
"Want to talk about it?" she asked with a sad look on her face.
"I'm failing school" my words were quiet, like I didn't want to them to hear it.
"We figured as much" Mum stated.
"What are your options?" Dad turned away from the TV screen.
"Summer school or repeat 3rd year"
They look at one another, to find what the other one is thinking. Mums face wasn't disappointed, just more concerned.
"Well, if you repeat the full year and buckle down, you will be able to go to that film school you've been talking about for the last two years"
I let out a huge sigh "but I can't do another year at that school, I just can't. It's bad enough being there the now as it is" I felt my throat burning. I wasn't one to cry but I just couldn't take another day at the school.
Dad pauses the football game, his body and face now focused on me. "What about repeating your final year at another school?"
To be honest, that thought never even crossed my mind.
"Nissen isn't too far away from here, just a bus ride" Mum suggested.
It was settled, when August came, I'd be a third year at Nissen high school. I felt good about this. A fresh start, somewhere where no one knows who I am, no one knows of my fuck ups. I could be the new even. I can buckle down with school work and focus more on Sonja. What could possibly change that? I felt so good about this. Fresh start here I come!