Title: Selfish

Disclaimer: If I owned HP, then Albus Dumbledore would remain straight. Because Dumbledore Slash isn't cool.

Summary: Sirius is torn between two lovers. Who does he love more? Does he even love them in the first place? SBHG, SBHP, Implied SBRL and SBJP. SLASH.

Selfish

I am wrong. They don't deserve this, none of it. The only thing they deserve is happiness. They shouldn't love me, but they do unconditionally. Why? I still don't know.

I don't deserve to be loved, the only thing I deserve is their hate. So why don't I just let them go? I can't because I am selfish. I need them both so much.

I need to forget the horrors of my past, I need light, I need solace, and I find that in them.

I see my past reflected in Harry. The same untidy hair that I used to grip when I plunged into James, the same expression when James came in my hands, even the noises Harry made reminded me of James.

When I am with Harry, I can almost pretend that he is James, but reality comes back to me when I look into his shinning emerald eyes. Lily's eyes. It's agonizing to look into his eyes, because every time I look into them, I sober up. The framed picture of James Potter fades, and is replaced by Harry. Every time I look into his emerald orbs I remind myself that he is Harry not James.

Somehow, I think Harry knows. He knows that I use him, that I use his reflection as a solace of my own. He knows that I picture his father squirming underneath me instead of him, but he doesn't care, he still loves me. Why you say? I still don't know.

Then of course there is Hermione. Sweet Hermione, with her bright ember eyes that reminds me so much of Remus. The sandy brown hair, the freckles across her nose, her studious habits, and her passion. She is so much like Remus, that's what attracted me to her in the first place.

She is beautiful, innocent, and compassionate. So much like Remus, but not him at all. Every time I look into her beautiful ember orbs, I see Remus not her. And I hate that. She deserves to be loved. She is the woman who saved my life over and over again, and what do I do? I pretend she is someone else.

I don't know what to do. I care for them both very much, but I don't love them. Never have, never will. I use them to my own selfish needs. I use their bodies, brains, spirit, compassion, and love. Why? Because I am selfish.

I would never love them. Never.

But I will continue to do what I do now.

I will continue telling Hermione I love her, continue giving her false hopes for a future, continue to pretend she is Remus, and continue to cheat on her with her best friend.

I will continue to promise Harry that I'll end it with Hermione, I will continue to tell him that one day we would truly be a family, I will continue to pretend he is James, and continue to use his best friend.

And most of all I will continue loving both James and Remus, until the day that I die.

A/N: My first Slash story. Lol. Sort of. I didn't want to go to graphic. I am going to start writing other slash stories, see how well I do with them. As you can see I developed a little obsession with Sirius/James, Sirius/Harry, and Sirius/Remus. So I guess my next oneshots will focus on them.