Title: The Things Kids Say
Genre: Fluff, Humor, Family
Rating: T to be safe
Pairings: Kate/Ziva
Summary: Little kids say and do some strange things. Kate and Ziva's four-year-old son Riley is no different. -Family fluff-
Disclaimer: If I owned it, would I be writing fic for it? Probably, but the only one I own is Riley.
Author's Notes: The first one of these turned into a bunch of others. The things Riley says are all sort of based off the craziness that is my younger cousins. Little kids are pretty fabulous.
XXX
1.
Riley ran ahead of Kate, Spiderman sneakers smacking on the pavement. He skidded to a halt in front of the door leading to McDonald's, and pulled it open with both hands. A woman who had been walking a little ways in front of Kate stepped through the door, smiling as she looked at Riley, "Thank you."
"Of course, my damn lady," The three-year-old replied, grinning. The woman froze, and Kate started laughing so hard it hurt. Riley stared at Kate as though she had gone crazy or been replaced by aliens, and the woman looked extremely offended (And also confused by Kate's laughing).
Breathing hurt, and Kate made some bizarre, unhuman wheezing noises as she tried to stop laughing and crying enough to speak, "H-he was trying to practice his manners. I think he was trying to call you 'Madame.'" Riley nodded rapidly, and the woman's offended expression shifted into one of amusement. She chuckled and ruffled Riley's hair before walking into the McDonald's.
Riley took Kate's hand as they walked in, looking at his mother with a confused expression, "Mama, I think you need to see the doctor. Something has gone crazy in your head." He was serious, and despite the fact he was obviously concerned, Kate started laughing again.
Kate shouldn't have skipped coffee that morning.
XXX
2.
"Close your eyes and hold out your hand."
Riley was standing in front of Kate, hands tucked behind his back. He was smiling at her hugely, and Kate managed to smile back. She had lost her wedding ring (It was somewhere in the house, though), and she had spent the whole day stressed and panicking. Ziva wasn't angry but she could tell Kate was stressed and, after being married for five-and-a-half years, Kate's emotions rubbed off on her. Riley's little-kid grin was a nice distraction from all the general unpleasantness.
Kate closed her eyes, and Riley said firmly, "Don't open them until I say! It's a s'prise." Kate nodded, silently agreeing with this rule. Something small was set in her palm, and Kate tried to figure out what it was as she continued to keep her eyes closed. Riley adjusted the way he'd placed it in her hand as if it was a big deal, then, finally satisfied, chirped, "Look, Mama!"
Opening her eyes, Kate studied the small thing in her palm. Riley had set his favorite glow-in-the-dark spider ring from last Halloween in Kate's hand. He was smiling as he said, "You looked sad because you lost your ring. So you can wear this one until you find it!"
Kate felt tears spring up into her eyes. All the emotions from the day had caught up to her, and she slid the ring on to her left ring finger as she fought back the tears. She pulled Riley into a tight hug, and kissed his soft cheek, "I love you, little man."
"I love you too, mama," Riley said, hugging her back tightly. Kate let him go after a long moment, standing up and ushering the boy into the kitchen for dinnertime. He went along happily, even washing his hands without having to be told.
Kate decided that she wouldn't mind if Riley ate an extra Oreo after dinner. It was the least she could do.
XXX
3.
Kate's sinuses had been acting up, and Ziva was trying to rinse out her humidifier in the bathroom sink. The brunette had gone to help Abby with something work-related, leaving Ziva and Riley home alone. The boy had been in the living room, entranced by the fifth Land Before Time movie. But Ziva could hear the end credits rolling, and she wasn't surprised when Riley appeared in the bathroom doorway.
"What's that, Ima?" Riley questioned, eyes narrowing at the humidifier. He walked over, standing on his tiptoes so he could get a closer look at it. His eyebrows furrowed, nose crinkling adorably. Ziva smiled at the uncanny resemblance of Kate's confused expression, continuing to rinse the contraption.
Riley pushed over his step stool as Ziva responded, "It is a humidifier. It is for your mama's runny nose." The boy tilted his head to the side, and for a long moment he didn't say anything. Ziva figured he had simply accepted her answer and went back to what she was doing.
"How are you going to fit it into her nose?" Riley asked after a while, lips pursed into a thin, serious line. Ziva bit back a laugh, cheeks puffing out in an attempt to hold it in. It came out as a giggle instead, and Riley looked even more confused by this.
Ziva shook her head, smiling warmly at the young boy, "I will explain later. First, do you want to help me?" Riley grinned excitedly, and Ziva showed him how to help rinse out the humidifier.
Somehow, by the time they were finished, both of them were completely soaked.
XXX
4.
Ziva was in the car, driving home with her cellphone tucked between her ear and her shoulder. They had been grocery shopping, and Riley had suddenly thrown up everywhere. Ziva had felt his forehead and decided that it was an onset of the 24-hour stomach bug both she and Kate had caught two or three days before.
She had brought him home after cleaning him up as much as possible in the store restroom, deciding that shopping could wait until later. He was currently sitting in the back seat, wearing nothing but his pants (thankfully, he had only soiled his shirt). Ziva listened as the phone's ringing cut off, replaced by Kate's voice, "Hey, Ziva."
"We are on the way home," Ziva told her, annoyed with how exhausted her own voice sounded, "Riley threw up at the store and I did not want to make him stay there in case it happened again." After the very motherly explosion of 'is he okay' and 'tell him I love him' and everything of the like, Kate shifted to the topic of what they were going to do for dinner. The things they had planned needed items that Ziva had gone to the store to buy.
Ziva groaned clutching the bridge of her nose between her thumb and first finger since they were at a stoplight, "After that incident, I am not all that hungry." Riley shifted in the backseat, leaning forward as far as he could in his car seat.
"After that incident, I'm not all that hungry either!" Riley said, yelling a little too loudly, even for trying to be heard through the phone. Kate chuckled into the phone, and Ziva couldn't fight a smile. The boy giggled as well, even though he still seemed somewhat queasy and quite unsure of what they were amused by.
Riley always knew how to make things a little more cheerful, even if he didn't mean to.
XXX
5.
Kate was checking things out at Target, Riley at her side. He was looking at the woman who was scanning their things, head tilted to the side. His hazel eyes were narrowed as he watched the woman, and Kate expected him to say something any time.
She was completely horrified when the words actually came out, though. Riley smiled at the woman and cheerfully said something Kate definitely hadn't expected, "You have such pretty yellow teeth!" Thankfully, the woman seemed to speak little English and didn't really pay much attention to Riley's words. Even then, Kate was completely embarrassed.
It took an hour before she finally stopped blushing.
XXX
6.
Riley walked up to Kate and Ziva through the water. It was belly-button height for him, and he was having a ball splashing around and trying to learn how to float on his back. But he suddenly looked depressed, and the two women understood why as he sidled up to them and spoke quietly, "I have to go pee."
The bathrooms were some ways up the beach, and both Kate and Ziva knew that going to the bathroom while wet was never a fun thing. So Ziva waved her hand in the direction of the middle of the lake, "Just head a little farther out, then you can go. It will not be the first time someone has peed in this lake."
Riley nodded and waded his way out farther. Once the water was up to the middle of his belly, then he turned to face them and literally screamed, "Mama, Ima, is it far enough out for me to pee?" Everyone turned and stared at them, and Ziva groaned.
Their blushes definitely matched.
XXX
7.
Kate straddled Ziva's lap, kissing her soundly as she pressed her back into the couch. Fingers ran through Kate's hair, and the brunette cupped Ziva's face in her palms. Their bodies were pressed close together, and they were so lost in the kiss they didn't hear the sound of small feet running down the hall.
That is, until Riley piped up, "I didn't want those images in my head!" The kiss broke, and Kate sat back a little, though she remained basically on Ziva's lap. The boy stared at them, wide-eyed, before grabbing the blanket he must have forgotten off of the couch and hurrying back to his bed for naptime.
"What kind of images could he have in his head, anyway? He is only four!" Ziva said, then pursed her lips, deciding that he probably knew more than they thought he did, "It is your turn to go make sure he is not scarred for life or something. I went last time."
In response, Kate leaned forward and kissed Ziva once more, "I think it can wait a few minutes."
XXX
8.
It was Halloween, and Kate had allowed Riley to wear his Spiderman costume out to dinner. He was eating his tacos, being extra careful not to get himself messy, as he rambled on, "Since I'm Spiderman, you can't beat me. I'm strong."
"Are you stronger than Superman?" Kate asked, and Riley nodded firmly, smiling, "What about Batman?" Riley nodded again, looking at her like she was crazy for doubting his strongness. Kate decided to throw out one more, "What about the Abominable Snowman?"
Riley smirked and responded far too loudly, "Yep! I'm gonna rip his balls off!" Everyone at the tables around them turned and stared. Ziva choked on her lemonade and Kate's mouth fell open. Riley looked at them, seeming extremely confused, "Isn't he…made out of snowballs?"
Kate and Ziva both relaxed at that, laughing nervously. People still stared, even after the explination, and Riley started shifting uncomfortably even though he obviously had no idea of why people were so bothered by what he said.
Needless to say, they didn't stay for dessert.
XXX
9.
"What's that?"
Riley was sitting, curled against Kate's side as she read the newspaper. He pointed at the word 'obituary', looking confused. The boy could read some words, but obviously that one was out of his grasp. Kate ran her fingers through his hair, "It's an obituary. That's where they list the people who have died recently, and talk a little about them and their families."
Suddenly, Riley started laughing. For a second or two, Kate worried that her little boy was some sort of junior sociopath, laughing at dead people. Then Riley spluttered out, "You said b-i-t-c-h!" Of course he knew how to spell that word. Riley had heard nothing beyond 'bitch', and Kate rolled her eyes.
Boys.
XXX
10.
Ziva had smashed her hand in a door early in the day, and had taken off her wedding and engagement rings before her hand could swell. She and Riley were heading out to the park since it was a nice day and Riley hadn't been there to play in a couple of weeks.
They were stopped at a red light, and Riley leaned forward in his car seat, lips turned down into a pout, "Ima, you aren't wearing your wedding ring!" He sounded horrified, and Ziva reached back with her good hand, tapping him on the nose (Because it always worked to make him giggle).
This time it didn't happen, though. Instead, Riley told her firmly, "We need to go back to the house and get your rings." He sounded like this was a life-or-death situation, and Ziva raised an eyebrow at him in the rearview mirror.
"Why do we need to do that?" Ziva asked, and Riley frowned, leaning back again as they started moving once more. His arms crossed over his chest in an uncanny impersonation of Kate.
"Because if we don't, someone will steal you!"
Ziva smiled and, since they were only a minute or two from home, decided that she could stand turning around if it would make Riley feel better.
XXX
11.
"Go get your jacket so we can leave, okay buddy?"
In response, Riley chortled, "Okay!" and raced into his bedroom to find his jacket so they could head over to Abby's. Kate slid her feet into her already-tied sneakers (Ziva never untied hers, and it had rubbed off on Kate), and waited by the front door with her purse and key car keys in her hand.
Five minutes later, Riley still wasn't back with his jacket. Kate called out to him, "Ready, Freddy?" There was a pause, then Riley stomped into the living room, hands on his hips, lips pursed.
"My name is not Freddy! It's Riley!"
Riley was almost as bad as Ziva when it came to idioms.
XXX
12.
Riley darted past Kate with a shout of nonsense syllables that sounded somewhat like, "Hoffle Piggins!" He disappeared around the corner, and Kate's eyebrows shot into her hairline. Riley peered around the corner after a few seconds, looking disappointed, "That was supposed to lev…leh…levi…make you float!"
"It's levitate, sweetie. And what are you doing, anyway?" Kate asked, and Riley stepped out from behind his corner. He was wearing a towel, knotted at the middle of his throat, like one of the student robes in Harry Potter. Ziva's Slytherin scarf was wrapped messily around his neck and hung down nearly to his knees.
Riley beamed at her, hazel eyes glittering, "I'm Tom Riddle!" Then he debated it for a second before pointing a stick he must have found in the yard at her and shouting a few in sounds that Kate couldn't even begin to decipher. He ran off again before she could ask what the 'spell' was even supposed to do to her.
"No running with sticks in the house!" Kate shouted after him, and Riley yelled another 'spell' back at her.
She'd have to restrict his Harry Potter movie privileges later.
XXX
13.
Riley and Ziva came into the house, back from preschool. Riley hung up his jacket and kicked off his sneakers, and hurried over to sit on Kate's lap, "Guess what I learned from Tessa today!"
"Oh lord," Ziva murmured, though it was obvious she had no idea what Tessa had said this time. She was in Riley's preschool class and also lived just across the street. Tessa was full of all sorts of bizarre information, and sometimes it was true (Usually the true things weren't appropriate for four-year-olds to know).
Kate sighed, then asked somewhat reluctantly, "What did she tell you this time?" Ziva sat on the chair across from them, looking apprehensive.
"Boys have penises and girls have chinas," Riley told her, grinning. Ziva clapped a hand over her mouth, muffling a laugh. Riley pulled a face, not understanding his Ima's amusement.
Kate wasn't sure whether to be horrified or laugh as well.
XXX
14.
Riley was usually a good kid, but like all four-year-olds, he had his bad days. Today was one of those days. He wouldn't cooperate, and he kept back sassing Kate. It was frustrating and infuriating, and Kate was at her wits end. She had asked Riley five times to pick up his toys, and he was refusing to listen.
"I think your ears are tired, because they aren't listening very well," Kate told him, frustrated. Riley looked up at her, innocent, hazel eyes bright and youthful. She almost forgot he was being difficult.
Riley reached up, feeling his ears, checking their tiredness level. Without missing a beat, the boy piped up, "They aren't tired, Mama. Their batteries just died."
Kate had to work hard not to smile.
XXX
15.
Riley crawled up in Ziva's lap, snuggling against her with his head against her chest. Ziva wrapped an arm around him, smiling into his hair, "Hey there, metuka." Riley returned the hello.
"Can I ask you a question, Ima?" Riley asked, and Ziva debated saying no. Usually, when Riley asked like that, the questions weren't all that normal. Against her better judgment, though, Ziva agreed.
"Can invisible people see each other?"
Ziva wasn't disappointed, and she forced back a smirk as she contemplated this question. Finally, she shrugged and said, "I have no idea. Maybe you should ask your Mama. She might know."
"Okay!" Riley piped up, and climbed off of Ziva's lap, hurrying off to find Kate.
Ziva simply looked after him and shook her head, smiling slightly. That was her Riley, always the deep thinker.
XXX
16.
Kate walked Riley down the street, heading in the direction of his friend Ethan's house. They stopped at a crosswalk, and Riley looked at the stop sign and said, "We were walking to Ethan's house last week, and some lady drove through here and didn't stop."
"Did she now?" Kate asked, only half-listening as she looked both ways. Seeing that it was safe, she kept Riley's hand held in her own as she hurried him across the street.
Riley continued speaking even as he walked along, "Yeah, she didn't even see us. Ima wasn't happy. She got all fustarated and yelled at her even though she was too far away to hear us."
"What did she say?" Kate asked, curious now. Riley froze in his tracks, eyes widening. He almost pulled Kate to a stop, but she kept walking and after a second or two, he continued moving as well. He chewed on his lower lip much like Ziva would, trying to figure out how to answer.
Finally, Riley murmured, "I don't think I should tell you." That was all Kate needed to hear. She sighed and shook her head.
Kate would have to talk to Ziva about watching her language around Riley when they got back home.
XXX
Reviews make my world go round, seriously.