Sorry, this is not a happy fic. I'm not in a good place at the moment, and this is reflecting in my writing. I'm continuing to explore the idea that we don't always get the happy, movie style ending, and sometimes life is cruel. I'm sorry if this upsets anyone. I'm working on something very fluffy, but these ideas keep popping into my head and demanding to be explored. The subject matter might be upsetting to some.
The steady rhythmic beeping was, in a way, reassuring. As long as the beeping carried on, everything was still ok, his life as he knew it still existed. Life, love, hope. He could spend hours just watching that thin green line snake across the screen, willing it to carry on. Just one more, please, once more.
Occasionally the hand that he was gently clasping twitched. He always gripped it reassuringly, stroking it, murmuring sweet comforting words. He didn't know whether they were heard, she hadn't been conscious in over a day, but he couldn't bear the thought that she might think she was alone.
They had talked about it a lot in recent months, so he knew Bones wasn't afraid of death. He on the other hand was terrified. Not of death, he long since faced up to his own mortality. No, he was afraid of life, life after her death. She had been his life for so long that he didn't see how his life could carry on after hers had ended.
She stirred restlessly in the bed. "Booth?"
"I'm here Bones. Sshh, I'm here."
She smiled faintly and drifted back off. She wasn't in any pain any more, just completely drained of energy. That wonderful vitality that had enchanted him so was almost completely gone. The cancer had raced through her body with all the devastation of a forest fire, leaving only an empty shell. He thought about the first cruel blow, sitting in the doctor's office believing that they were about to be told they would be parents. All the signs were there, missed periods, sore breasts, constant nausea. They were so excited. So innocent. They had only had two blissful, passionate months. A week of tests, scans, poking and prodding later, and the moment came, the moment when his life ended. It was cancer, in her womb and breasts. Not even a chance of any other outcome but a swift, painful death.
Booth passed a hand wearily over his eyes, trying to clear away the tears that gathered there. They had taken two days to digest the news, ranting and raving at each other, at life, at the sheer bloody unfairness of it all. They had made love with almost frantic tenderness, both desperately trying to give the other comfort, both hoping to gain some comfort at the same time. On the third day they had been at City Hall, surrounded by their closest friends and family, pledging the rest of their lives to each other. Her gold ring, that timeless symbol of eternal love, lay on her wasted finger. He could feel it now, sliding loosely on the hand he held as if it were a lifeline.
"Don't cry, Booth." Her voice pulled him out of his reverie. Booth smiled at his wife tenderly.
"I was thinking about our wedding. Do you remember that gorgeous dress you wore?" Typically, their wedding had been less than traditional, and bittersweet. Brennan had worn red chiffon, long and backless. Angela, having put Hodgins' black Amex to extensive use that day, was in a short purple dress to fulfil her Maid of Honour duties. Booth had never loved the big hearted artist more than he did that day, when she had pulled a beautiful wedding seemingly out of thin air.
"I remember." She smiled wistfully.
"I've never seen so many flowers. I don't know where Angela got them all from. It set off my allergies!"
Brennan laughed, but it quickly turned into a coughing fit. Booth rubbed her back soothingly, feeling helpless as the coughs racked her emaciated frame. For a few minutes she lay quietly, gathering the strength to begin the conversation she needed to have.
"I'm sorry."
Booth looked her, startled. "What?"
"I'm sorry Booth. For this. For all the pain you've gone through, and now I'm adding to it."
Booth laughed humourlessly. "Bones, never apologise. These last six months have been amazing. We've laughed, and loved, and that is all I ever wanted."
"You must promise me Booth. You must find love again. You have such a generous heart, you need someone to love." Booth shook his head. How could he, how could he ever love again?
"There'll never be anyone else for me Bones. There couldn't be."
She looked at him anxiously. "You must Booth. You must! Please. You must promise. You need to live and laugh and love." He choked back a sob, shaking his head. He simply refused to believe he could love anyone as much as he loved his Bones. He had given her his entire heart, and when she was lowered into the ground it would go with her.
She sighed. "Please, Booth." Her voice was barely a whisper now, her strength almost gone. She was determined to make him understand, how important this was to her.
Booth swiped furiously at his eyes. "I'll try, Bones. That's the best I can do, but I will try." Don't leave me, please please please don't leave me.
She smiled. "I love you so much. You'll never know how much you changed my life, how much you've given me." She sighed. Her strength was leaving her now, and there was so much more she wanted to say. How he had taught her to love again, torn down her walls, breached the barricade. He'd given her back her family, at the same time as creating her a new one. He had loved her, faithfully and steadily – something she had secretly craved since the day her parents had left her behind. "I love you." It was all she needed to say.
Brennan opened her eyes to see Booth gently kissing her hand. She cradled his cheek in her hand and he twisted his head slightly to drop a kiss on her palm. "Kiss me?"
Booth couldn't deny her anything, even if he had wanted to. He climbed tentatively onto their bed, avoiding all the leads, cables and drips that had invaded their bedroom. Lying beside her, Booth brushed her hair tenderly away from her face. Their lips met in a gentle kiss. As he pulled away, he breathed "I love you". He lay beside her, holding her gently, murmuring words of comfort, letting her know that it was ok, she didn't have to fight anymore; she could rest, be at peace.
The beeping slowed, until there was only silence, and the sound of muffled sobs coming from the bed where a man had just had his heart irrevocably broken.