A/N: Bit of a crack fic and I thought that the title was necessary, even if it is rude. All the characters I mention, with a few exceptions, possess an aura about them that growls, "Piss off, already" when placed direct contact with each other.
An American sub sandwich. Turkey, Mustard, a little Mayo. Yuzu's kitchen experiments seem to produce more American food lately. Probably due to her new crush on Tom Cruise. Last week, it was Sean Bean and something called "Irish Stew" in his lunch.
The orange haired Shinigami shrugs and bites into the food. As he chews, Kurosaki Ichigo nods to himself. It's good, Yuzu, he thinks, next time, I'll take it without mayo, though.
A shadow falls across his face, a tall lean form blocking out the sun. At the edges of the form, sunlight beams through two lenses, furthering Ichigo's habitual frown and squint combination.
It's the same routine today. With a snort, Ichigo takes another bite and growls through a mouthful, "Go away."
As usual, Ishida Uryuu ignores the rudeness and sits down next to him, unwrapping his bento box, self-prepared. Sometimes, Orihime makes him a lunch "because that's what nakama do, Ishida-kun!" and he eats it, because he's too polite to complain about wasabi on ginger pork with honey. Ichigo remembers the time Rukia tried doing the same thing in the Soul Society for Renji and knows Ishida does as well.
Probably another reason he doesn't complain, thinks Ichigo.
"Are Asano-san and Kojima-san still on their vacation?" asks Uryu. He asks the same thing as he asked before, a subtle reminder why he is here, though he would never directly admit it.
Nakama make sure nakama are never lonely.
And Ichigo says, "Hai," and scowls like he knows what Uryu doesn't say. Which he does.
It wouldn't be so bad with just Uryu there – he doesn't talk that much. Neither does Chad, who appears a little while after Uryu, sometimes eating, sometimes not, just sitting there, his presence saying it all.
Chad is welcome, too.
However, when a certain blue haired espada shows up halfway through lunch, Ichigo's patience wears thin.
"Yo, Spiky," he always has a different nickname for Ichigo whenever he shows up. A side effect of his indoctrination into the "Humans Are Friends Not Toys Seminar" he's going through, courtesy of Eleventh Division Fukutaicho Yachiru. "Hurry up and eat. I'm bored and need a fight." Balanced on the railing surrounding the roof of the school, Grimmjow glares down at the substitute shinigami, hands shoved in the pockets of his hakama, his coat open as usual to reveal his muscular chest.
Ichigo doesn't want to even think about what would happen if any of the girls in his class came up here and met him – fangirl crushes cause an ipecac-type effect on his stomach. "Beat it," he retorts, taking a gulp from his milk.
Instead, the espada leaps off the bar and drifts over, landing gently next to Ichigo's bento. With one sweep, his hand picks up the plastic container and he rummages through it.
"Give me that!" growls Ichigo, snatching it back, but not before the espada takes the dessert.
Frowning at the bright red package, Grimmjow turns it over in his hands. "How the ing hell do you open this ing thing?"
Ichigo sets the bento to one side and stands up. "Give it back, you-"
Right on cue, another shadow blots out the sun, this time from behind and the shade manages to cover the entire group. Well, maybe all of Chad, whose long brown locks still shine dully in the spring sun.
Crouched on the massive heat ventilator overlooking the scene, Zaraki Kenpachi rests his elbows on his knees and grins, the scar on his face contorting into a demon mask or a map of a single interstate freeway. One callused hand rests upon the sword at his hip, the other cups his chin as he waits. Day after day he waits like this, arrives just as they all start it off.
Grimmjow dodges the shinigami's grab for the package, still trying to open it. "The hell kinda world you live in, Ichigo?" he grumbles. With a frustrated snarl, he draws his zanpakuto and slashes through the package completely.
Brightly colored Skittles dance their rainbow across the rooftop; a giggle sounds from behind Zaraki as Grimmjow grabs for a few and almost falls over in the attempt. Yachiru clambers up Zaraki's back, sitting on her captain's shoulder. "Don't you like Skittles, bluey-tan?" she asks. "Beat him up, Ichi!"
"GRIMMJOW!" A bright light burst from Ichigo's frame as he pulls out a familiar token and slaps it to his head. "You're going down!" His spirit separating, the amount of reiatsu emanating from the young man doubles abruptly; the cloth around Zangetsu unfurled as he charges towards the Skittle-stuffing espada.
"What?" Zaraki leaps from his sitting position and lands on the roof. "Oi, Ichigo! Forget him, and fight me! Look!" He reaches down and scoops up a green sphere, popping it into his mouth. "I'm eating your Skittles!" He swears as he realizes the boy is paying no attention. "Ahhh, screw it." Sunlight glints off his battered sword as he charges toward the combatants.
Chad leaps to his feet, his arms already warping into their spiritual forms, ready to assist Ichigo after hauling his unconscious physical form to safety. Meanwhile, Uryu attempts to keep Fukutaicho Yachiru from eating the rest of his lunch, fighting a losing battle.
Tossing aside the empty Skittles package, Grimmjow grins ferally at Ichigo, bringing up his blade to counter the Shinigami's zanpakuto. The smile drops out of sight as a swipe from Zaraki's sword snips an inch off the blue growth of his brow; he kicks out, foot connecting with the Shinigami captain's knee.
Undeterred, Zaraki grabs the foot and forces it up into the air, causing the arrancar to fall flat on his back. Switching targets, the Shinigami captain directs a chop toward his other opponent.
Ichigo sidesteps, whirling Zangetsu diagonally and towards Kenpanchi's neck.
Laughing, Kenpachi catches it on his blade only just in time, the edge of Ichigo's zanpakuto nicking the skin.
Grimmjow stands again, raising his zanpakuto. "Kishire, Pan-"
Still laughing, the Shinigami captain puts a hand to his eyepatch in midswing.
His sword does not slash Ichigo, but bounces off the armored shield of Chad's arm. The tanned giant flexes his fingers, speaking in unison with Grimmjow, "Buraso Isukier-"
And with them, Ichigo's voice grates forth, "Ban-"
The last voice overtakes the other three, interrupts them, sends them packing. "Baklava!"
All four freeze, and Yachiru looks up from stuffing her face with the contents of Uryu's bento, the Quincy dangerously close to engaging his Ginrei Kojaku.
Resplendent in school uniform and smiling as brightly as ever, Inoue Orihime sails out of the stairwell, a large pan of Greek Dessert in her hands.
They look at her, glare at each other, make a few final threatening gestures, and sheath their weapons. Grimmjow sits down next to Uryu, Zaraki leaning on the heat vent on the other side of the Quincy with Yachiru scrambling up onto his shoulder again. And Ichigo stomps back to his physical body, foot lashing out in a vicious kick to send the last Skittle skittering over the edge of the building into the street below.
Once again, the timely arrival of Inoue Orihime breaks up the meeting of the Karakura Piss-Off Club. The fact that she never adds anything weird to the Baklava when she makes it helps, too.
Opposites attract. Likeness conflicts. And nakama are never lonely.
Owari
A/N: Dedicated to Red Miko for her Kisses Like Snowflakes series and all the random encounters within.