Happy Valentine's Day one and all! I should've been writing Money Angel, but I've been distracted by this fic, and by my new photoshoppy thing which has prompted me to make millions of terrible Joetina pics.

Anyhow, this fic is mainly Adrian-centric, though, being me, I couldn't help sneaking a little Joetina in on the side. It's set sometime during series 2. Enjoy.

Edit: The typos have now been fixed :D

'Hello, yes?'

'It was wonderful, Adrian!'

'Adrian! It's for you! Carmen!'

Five minutes later

'Greetings!'

'It was wonderful, Adrian!'

'Adrian! It's for you! Carmen!'

Five minutes later

'Now listen here, Julie, I…'

'It was wonderful, Adrian!'

'ADRIAN! Carmen's on the phone talking about it being wonderful!'

Adrian was hiding in his bed, blankets pulled up over his head and his stuffed rabbit cuddled close to his chest. The phone had rung at least seven times in the last hour- all for him, all Carmen, her silky voice purring down the line that it had been wonderful last night. And all seven times, Adrian had remained hidden, and let one of his unsuspecting, undeserving family take the call instead.

It wasn't that he didn't want to talk to Carmen, that he didn't love her- oh, he did, really. She was lovely, she did everything he told her, and she told him he was a bit of a tiger, which he would have liked to have believed, and thus tried to take to heart. But he didn't want to sit through yet another rendition of the 'it was wonderful' symphony- beginning with the usual 'Adrian, it was wonderful,' building in a crescendo to the 'I've never had such a fantastic lover before' and then finishing on the climactic 'next time it really will be wonderful, you'll see!'

Lately, it had really been getting to him, penetrating his mind and getting his hackles up more than usual. He was really starting to feel a failure, a wimp, like his unswerving devotion to Carmen wasn't enough for her insatiable appetite.

His confidence was hanging by a thread. Hanging by a thread!

The bedroom door creaked. Adrian pulled the covers higher around his head, trying to hide the few curls that stubbornly stuck out the top of his cocoon.

'Greetings!'

He didn't move.

'Adrian, you're very obviously in there!

Reluctantly, he pushed the bedclothes down, looking up guiltily into Joey's face.

'What's the matter, son?'

'You wouldn't understand,' Adrian moaned.

'You're disappointin' that girlfriend o' yours. The phone's been ringin' off the hook- she really wants to talk to you, you know!' He frowned. 'Had a row, have you?'

Adrian sighed and shook his head. 'No, no row, it's just…'

Joey watched him, waited for him to go on.

'I feel so inadequate!' he hadn't intended to put a sob in his voice, but it came out all the same.

'Oh, this isn't still about not bein' good at it, is it?' Joey massaged his temple. 'You're not still miserable over that, surely!'

'I knew it- I knew you wouldn't understand,' Adrian rolled onto his side, facing away from Joey. 'Nobody understands. And you wouldn't, would you? When you and Jack bothered with girls you never had a problem, and Billy, well, he's already increased the population of the human race so he's not having any trouble, clearly. He has a built-in device that makes him confident about doing it!'

The noise Joey made indicated he wasn't all that sympathetic.

'And I want more than that,' Adrian continued. 'I don't want to just be an un-wonderful lover. I want to get to know Carmen properly- mentally, I mean. Intellectually. I want a proper relationship where sometimes we can just talk. A meeting of minds, as opposed to…'

'A bonk in the bushes?' Joey supplied with a snort.

'You're no help at all!'

'Okay, son, okay, steady on. It was just a joke.' Adrian felt the mattress dip as Joey sat down on the edge of the bed. 'Well, listen, sunshine, if that's what you want, make sure you get it! Don't let Carmen call all the shots!'

'Can I ask your advice on something?'

'Of course, son,' Joey said warily, 'long as it's not about sex…'

'I told you, I don't want it to be all about that!' Adrian was getting fed up. What was the point of trying to talk to his family if all they did was make fun? He sat up, glaring at his big brother.

Joey grinned back.

'I want to show her I love her, in a proper, romantic way,' Adrian said. 'I keep trying, but she always has other ideas…I want to be able to spend a lovely day with her without worrying about doin' it. I want her to appreciate me for me…other qualities.'

He sighed. 'But I don't know how to accomplish that, either!'

Joey hummed. 'Well, there's only one thing I can think of.'

Hope glittered in Adrian's eyes. 'Yeah?'

'Think about the obvious, Adrian. What's happenin' in a week's time?'

Adrian frowned.

Joey gave him a little shake. 'Valentine's day, that's what! Plan somethin' special- give her some flowers or chocolates…'

'Whenever I give her chocolates she seems to get more interested in takin' the wrapper off me than off the sweets…'

'Take her somewhere nice…'

'She'll just talk about how she's never done it there before…'

'And tell her how you really feel about her,' Joey persisted. 'That is, provided you do actually know how you feel about her…Adrian?'

Adrian was staring at the ceiling. 'It'll never work.'

'Well, that's me out of ideas, son. If you want to use them, use them. If you don't, don't.' He furrowed his brow. 'But either way, Adrian, there's no point in hidin' in bed for the rest of your life, is there? Come out- face the world!'

'The world I can face,' Adrian said. 'It's Carmen I can't.'

He held out little hope for their success, but Adrian decided to try out some of Joey's suggestions anyway. It wouldn't hurt to give it a shot, he reasoned, and seeing as his dignity and confidence were both already hanging by threads, he hadn't got all that much to lose. He bought the flowers, and the chocolates, wrapped them carefully, made a reservation at the nicest restaurant he could find, effectively using up the last shreds of his redundancy money, even went to the length of picking out a poem to recite to her. He was going to do this right- he was going to make this the most wonderful Valentine's day there ever was, and by his definition of wonderful, not Carmen's.

Naturally, things started going wrong the instant the day dawned. Adrian overslept, his alarm failing to rouse him, and it was only when Billy's fifteenth snooze (that boy had never been one for early starts) went off that he shot out of bed, messily tugging on his clothes and flying down the stairs. It was already half past nine, and, horror of horrors, he had to sign-on down the DHSS at quarter past ten. He'd planned to get up early, have the whole morning to work out his plan of action, rehearse just what he'd say to Carmen, who he was meeting at eleven. Now he was going to have to simply rush through his breakfast, rush through his meeting at the Social Security and then rush to her, untidy and unready and clothes mussed in a way that would probably make his girlfriend want to instantly tug them off.

When Adrian reached the kitchen he was assaulted by a floral smell- it seemed an entire rose garden had materialised in the house. Seated amongst at least fifteen bunches of the blooms, Aveline was primly spooning up cereal and reading through a large stack of cards, a smile playing across her heavily made-up face.

'What's all this then?' Adrian asked as he took his seat.

'Aveline's been neglecting her whistle, clearly,' Nellie said crossly, slamming a bowl and plate down in front of him. 'Got about a dozen followers on the go!'

'They're not followers,' Aveline said smugly, plucking a rose from one of her bunches and holding it daintily to her nose, 'they're just admirers.'

'You wouldn't have so many admirers chasing after you if you wore skirts that covered your knickers!'

'I 'ave to wear the fashion, don't I? 'Cause I'm a model, aren't I?'

Adrian raised his eyes towards the roof. Though he always got annoyed when Billy mimicked his sister, he could see the appeal. That whiny voice was really getting on his nerves today. He made a hash of pouring corn flakes into his bowl, getting most of the contents of the packet on the table instead, and started shovelling them down with as much vigour as possible.

'Hey, slow down, son!' Joey called from across the table. 'You're givin' us a stomach ache just watchin' you! What's the rush?'

'I have to be at the DHSS in…' he glanced down at his watch, 'forty minutes! I'm never gonna get there on time!'

Joey leaned over, grabbing hold of his wrist and holding his arm still, halfway to his mouth with a dripping spoon.

'Just calm down, sunshine,' he said. 'I'm goin' that way meself- if you can wait long enough for me to finish my breakfast at a reasonable, human speed, I can give you a lift.' Joey gave him a warning smile, and Adrian sank back into his chair, eating his cereal slightly less quickly and trying to run lines in his head.

Carmen, shall I compare thee to a summer's day…

'Why did nobody wake me?' Billy's raucous announcement put an end to his concentration, and he groaned as his younger brother slumped down beside him and began scoffing toast at an even more sickening rate than he'd been eating a few minutes ago. Wincing, he dropped his spoon into his bowl and stood up.

'Are you ready yet, Joey?'

'What with havin' to brave the DHSS and turn into a number, and trying to face Carmen, my nerves are shot to ribbons,' Adrian said as they stepped out onto Kelsall Street, Joey fiddling with his car keys. 'I don't know how I'm gonna get through today.'

'Just be strong, Adrian,' Joey muttered, clearly bored now with all his woes, 'remember, you're a Boswell. We don't let people push us about.'

Adrian climbed into the front seat, making a careful note to shut the door carefully- Joey had been known to kick people out the car if they abused his Jag in any way.

'I don't know how you do it- how do you walk in there several times a week and come out smiling?'

'Ah, well,' said Joey, his half wise-philosopher, half cheeky trickster voice surfacing, 'I always make sure I'm two steps ahead.' He turned the key, and the engine rumbled. 'I'm a clever bastard, you see. Always got a few tricks up me sleeve.'

'I'm clever,' Adrian muttered. 'I've got A-levels, I've had a proper job…and I can't do any of that.'

'Well, that's because you're too used to followin' regulations, instead of makin' them for yourself,' said Joey, fumbling with the handbrake. 'Here, hold this.'

He pushed a package into Adrian's lap while he started up the Jag and set off into the road. Adrian glanced down at it. It was a thick envelope, tied with a red bow, a single rose stuffed through the knot. He frowned.

'I thought you said you didn't have a date for Valentine's Day!'

'I don't,' said Joey blithely.

'You haven't seen anyone for years- not since Roxy…'

'Yes, I know that, son,' the mention of Roxy's name still made him a little bit touchy, even though it had been nearly two years now since she'd run off to Manchester.

'Sorry,' Adrian muttered. 'I just wondered, that's all- if you don't have a valentine, then what's this for?'

'Oh, a very cunning plan,' Joey's grin had returned. 'A very cunning plan indeed.'

'Oh,' said Adrian, lapsing into silence. Speaking of plans, he had a romantic plan he had to execute, and if he survived his signing-on, he had to make sure everything was perfect. He went back to rehearsing his lines.

'What are you muttering, son?'

Adrian flinched, realising he'd been reciting his imaginary conversation with Carmen out loud. 'Oh, er-nothing.'

'You're thinking about Carmen again, aren't you?'

There were a few worried thoughts swimming around his head, all begging to be voiced. 'I just want this to work,' was the one he settled on.

'And it will, son, it will. Just don't lose your head.'

Adrian moaned.

'Hey, tell you what. You get your DHSS matters over and done with first, and then you can borrow the Jag to take Carmen out in. Lend the occasion a bit o' style. I can find me own way home.'

Adrian's face lit up. 'Really?'

Joey laughed at his suddenly-peaked enthusiasm. 'Really. Go out there and make it a truly wonderful day.'

Adrian couldn't curb his broad smile.

'Just don't let Carmen talk you into defiling my car, okay?'

'And what do you want?'

'I-er, I still haven't found a job,' Adrian squeaked, not daring to look Martina in the eye for fear he might turn to stone.

'I see.'

'And I've no money left in me redundancy account.'

'I see.'

'So I…' he tried to think of a way to phrase it eloquently, cleverly, as Joey might do, but failed to come up with anything. 'I want some more money to get me through.'

'I thought you would, yeah.'

Adrian had never met anyone else who could inject so much venom into a simple sentence. She could make him feel guilty just for existing, so she could.

'You know, Mister Boswell,' and here came a bit of emotional abuse, just to kick him when he was already down, 'sometimes, when I'm ponderin' the great mysteries of the universe, I look out of me window and I wish upon a star that all your family might one day just disappear. Think of how much leftover money there'd be, if it weren't for you lot always wantin' more to get you through. We could distribute it among all the homeless in this city-and they'd all be able to afford penthouses.'

She slapped a form onto the counter in front of him. 'Fill that in.'

Adrian did so as quickly as he could, desperate to get out of there, into the sun, to cleanse himself of this place. The instant he'd finished the last letter of his signature, she was snatching it away from him, and at last he'd survived- he'd become number eleven, not a person, and he'd had all of his dignity scraped away with a sharp knife, but he'd survived.

'Next!'

'Greetings!' Joey was behind Adrian before he'd even had the chance to process her shout, let alone get out of his chair. 'Been taking good care of my little brother, have you, sweetheart?'

Martina rolled her eyes and grumbled something about another one as Joey moved in closer. Leaning over his brother's shoulder, he brandished the package Adrian had had to hold earlier, placing it on the desk.

'For you, sweet valentine.' He grinned. 'Oh, and that reminds me, Adrian, here you go, son,' he fumbled around in his jacket pocket, bringing out his car keys and placing them in his brother's hand. For a moment, though, Adrian couldn't concentrate on the car, on his own date.

'I dread to think what's in 'ere,' Martina said, peeling off the bow and the rose and flicking them to one side as she attacked the envelope.

Adrian couldn't see Joey's face, but he could hear his brother's breathing, and the eldest Boswell was clearly trying to keep in a snicker.

'Oh,' Martina removed the contents of the envelope, clapping one hand over her heart dramatically, 'an electricity bill. Oh, you really shouldn't have.'

'Ah, well, what can I say? Sometimes one just has to make gestures like that…'

'No, I mean, you shouldn't have.' Gone was the fake tone of surprise; Martina's normal voice had returned. 'Because we're not gonna pay for four-hundred pounds' worth of heat. Take it away.'

'Ah, well, you see, I…' Joey looked down. 'Er, Adrian, do you mind if I have my seat? Only I'd like to sort out this transaction face to face with the lady.'

Adrian jumped up at once. 'Yes, of course! Sorry! I'll be off now.'

He tightened his fist around the car keys and was away, leaving Joey to deal with his Valentine's Day scrounge on his own.

It hadn't been a very successful morning, but Adrian took in a few deep breaths of the fresh air, looked at the sun beginning to poke through the clouds and the MKII Jaguar waiting for him and his spirits began to rise again. He could still make this a Valentine's Day to remember. And he would.

Adrian pulled up outside Carmen's house at exactly one minute to eleven. Nice and punctual. He wouldn't have liked to see the look on her face if he'd been late.

She was already waiting for him on the front step, and immediately bounded down the drive towards him, waving excitedly.

'Adrian!'

'Carmen,' he held out his arms, and was immediately assaulted by a ferocious snog.

'Er, hap-happy,' he tried to say, in between kisses. 'Happy Valentine's Day!'

Finally managing to pull away, he presented her with the flowers and the chocolates.

'Ooh, you've thought of everything, Adrian!' she looked round him to the Jaguar. 'Ohhhh, I've never done it in the back of a luxury car before!'

Adrian grimaced. 'Well, it's our Joey's- he's just lent it to me to take you out. He made me promise not to defile it.'

'We won't defile it,' Carmen said huskily, blowing on his ear, 'we'll just make the earth move in it!'

'I don't think that's quite what I…' Adrian began, but didn't get any further than that.

Three in the afternoon found them on a hill overlooking the Mersey, the wind ristling the grass around them and the sun shining on Carmen's hair, giving her the appearance of wearing a glowing halo. It was the perfect place, the perfect moment, just like he'd planned.

Slipping a hand into his pocket, he unfurled the scrap of paper where he'd copied out his poem of choice. He'd gone for Shakespeare- only the best for this momentous occasion.

'This is a beautiful place,' Carmen said.

'Yeah,' said Adrian, 'it is.' He held up the poem and cleared his throat.

'A magical place.'

'Yeah. Er, Carmen…'

'A wonderful place…'

That was a hint if ever he'd heard one, but he refused to take any note of it. He'd already given in once, with the Jaguar- and who knew what he was going to tell Joey about that, after he'd promised he wouldn't defile it.

He wanted a proper romantic day with Carmen, and he was going to have one or die trying.

'Carmen,' he said firmly, taking both of her hands and staring down into her eyes, trying to ignore the glimmer of lust in them, 'there's something I want to say.'

'Yes, Adrian?' she leaned in close, pressing a kiss to the side of his neck.

He cleared his throat again. 'Shall I compare thee to a summer's-'

And that was as far as he got.

'It was wonderful, wasn't it, Adrian?'

Adrian hid his face behind his menu. 'Yes,' he sighed, 'wonderful.' It hadn't been wonderful- not by a long shot. He hadn't done anything he'd planned- Carmen was just far too…well, he didn't even think he knew the word for what she was far too much of, and he had quite a large vocabulary. Every time he tried to make a romantic gesture, she had his shirt off before he could so much as complete the sentence.

At least they were in a restaurant now, anyhow. It was Adrian's last chance to make this a Valentine's Day to remember, he'd blown his redundancy money on it, and there was no way Carmen could take him off schedule- not in a public place like this, where they would be seen by seven other tables and some very snobbish looking waiters.

'Carmen,' he said, snapping his menu shut and grabbing her hand across the table. 'I want to talk about us.'

'Well, that's what I'm doin'. Talkin' about us. You were wonderful this afternoon, Adrian.'

'No, I mean, I want to talk about us…as intellectual beings. The way we interact…'

'On the hill by the river…'

'…the way we think…'

'…in the back of your Joey's car…'

'…the way we see one another…'

'I bet it'll be wonderful out the back of this place. I've never done it round the back of a posh restaurant before!'

'You're talkin' about doin' it again!' Adrian slammed his hands down on the table. 'Every conversation we have is about doin' it! I mean, why can't we ever spend a romantic evening together- and just talk? Explore each other's minds, instead of our bodies…'

'You've got a beautiful mind, Adrian,' Carmen said, and Adrian's heart felt a flutter of hope.

'Yeah?'

'You're caring, and, and sensitive…' she reached up, pushing strands of hair behind his ears, 'and kind.'

Adrian smiled. 'And you're…you're…' what was Carmen, when she wasn't preoccupied with doing it?

'…lovely,' he finished.

'You're a very warm, generous person.'

'Well, I do try…'

'And I love you for that, you know. The way you are as a person.'

'Yes,' said Adrian, gripping both her hands tightly and shutting his eyes, basking in the moment. Finally she understood. 'Yes.'

'And it doesn't matter, you know.'

Adrian's eyes opened again.

'It doesn't matter that you're no good at it. Because I love you for those things. And so maybe next Valentine's Day, it really will be wonderful!'

Well, so much for that.

Adrian got home late that night, exhausted, his clothes hanging dishevelled about his person. He tossed his jacket onto the sofa, the car keys following, and then collapsed onto it himself, face down, thinking about the catastrophe that had been his day.

Did everyone go through this? Did all men worry about whether they were doing it right, about whether they were doing it too much? Was it just him? Or was it just Carmen?

'How'd it go, sunshine?' Joey came tiptoeing down the stairs, doing up his bow tie and fiddling with his cufflinks. It must have been later than Adrian thought, if his brother was already off to…he didn't want to say 'work', because it surely wasn't legal- off to whatever it was he occupied his time with.

'Disastrous,' Adrian moaned into the cushions.

'Pity. My date went quite well in the end.'

That got his attention. He raised his face from the sofa abruptly. 'What date?'

Joey just grinned, fluttering a piece of paper in front of his face. 'I got the form, in the end. Brilliant tactics on my part.'

Adrian blinked, uncomprehending. 'Form?'

'For the electricity bill.'

'You mean your visit to the DHSS?' Adrian said, suddenly realising and disappointed that his brother had just been winding him up, that he didn't actually have any news worth listening to that could take his mind off his own troubles. 'Oh, very hilarious, Joey. I've had a terrible day, and all you can do is stand there and make jokes!'

'Okay, okay,' Joey budged him up, sitting down beside him on the sofa. 'What went wrong, then?'

'What didn't?' Adrian put his head in his hands. 'I gave her flowers and chocolates, she wanted the earth to move. I spent a lot of money on dinner, she wanted the earth to move.'

Joey put his hand on Adrian's shoulder. 'You know, if you want the truth, if you really want my opinion about Carmen…'

'I thought the Jag'd impress her, she wanted the earth to move.'

'…I don't think she's right for y- what was that last one?' Joey leapt up, his eyes widening in horror. 'What did you say about my Jag?'

Adrian bit his lip.

'You didn't.' Joey was shaking his head too fast to be good for his brain. 'Please say you didn't.'

'Er, Joey...I was going to tell you about that…'

'My car!' Joey cried in horror, and then he had darted out the door, and Adrian was left to reflect on the failed Valentine's Day on his own.