Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, this is not actually the character of Sakura writing this, nor does it represent the views of whoever owns Naruto.

Summary: Sakura finds herself paired with everyone from Itachi to Gaara and determinedly writes a poem to set people straight on a few things—namely, her love life.

Sakura's Ode to Fanfiction

Listen, now, and listen well,

You people from that fanfic hell,

Who oh-so-love to pair me with

Each man or boy you all see fit.

Baka Naruto's just a friend,

And Sasuke's gone around the bend.

Kakashi-sensei's too damn old,

I'm just sixteen—that's far too bold!

I hate most things of color green—

That rules out Fuzzy Br—, er, Lee I mean.

Dogs have never been my pal,

With Kiba I'm not starting now.

I won't date someone pretty as me,

So Neji's not my cup of tea.

Haku too, same thing goes,

Did you see his hair and lovely nose?!

Zabuza's under a mound of grass

After Kaka-sensei kicked his…uh, you know.

Choiji's nice, and not too lewd,

But attracted, not to me, but food.

I have a mortal fear of bugs,

Sorry Shino, no kisses 'n hugs.

Perverts should burn in a painful fire:

Bye-bye to Genma and Jiraiya.

Shikamaru's life goal is just to snore,

Kissing me he'd find a chore.

Sakura/Asuma's just not right

Kurenai-sensei'd put up a fight.

And forget Gai-sensei, same as Lee,

That tight jump suit would make me flee.

I can't time-travel, despite what you think,

No Yondaime to romantically link.

Orochimaru…what can I say?

He's out to kill us every day.

And there is no magic medic love,

Sakura/Kabuto I'm so sick of.

Gaara truly tried to do me in—

Instead of love, I'll punch and grin.

I saved Kankuro's life, indeed.

Don't too deeply into it read.

Suigetsu I have yet to see,

But there is no lovin', I guarantee.

As for Juugo—no, no, I pray.

Insanity just is not the way.

Akatsuki's filled with evil-doers,

They want my best friend on a skewer!

Do you really think I'd stoop so low

And go locking lips with such psychos?

Itachi's pretty hot, no doubt

But he really kinda creeps me out.

I killed Sasori good and dead,

Safe to say he'd want my head.

Kisame-san looks like a fish—

I refuse to date my favorite dish.

Hidan, please, God forbid,

Lest I be killed and body hid.

Money-grubbing guys aren't smart,

And Kakuzu'd literally steal my heart.

Zetsu really does not appeal,

A date? Oh no: I'd be a meal.

If suicidal I was to be,

Then crazy Deidara's the guy for me.

Madara hates all Konoha nin,

And Pein's decaying bones and skin.

So, next time you write a fanfic

PLEASE don't let it be me you handpick

To write about and taint my name

With mushy fluff and smutty fame.

First things first: I'm kidding! This is all meant in jest, so please don't get offended if you like the pairings. I love Sakura paired with anyone (well…some of the Sakura pairings kinda make me go O_O, but that's beside the point) and I'm guilty of pairing poor Sakura with guys as well ^_^.

I really appreciate constructive criticism, helpful tips, or just plain ol' happy comments, so please leave a review!