"I'm shedding, shedding every color

Trying to find a pigment of truth beneath my skin…"

Coming Clean by Hilary Duff

I mainly wrote this because I felt like there was more to how Ed felt about what happened with his mother, and I've been watching Full Metal Alchemist quite a bit lately, and I always get the sense that Ed feels more deeply about his mother's death and Al losing his body to the freak-alchemy-accident than we're told. So I thought I'd write what I thought might be going through his mind. It's not exactly up to character, it's a little more brooding and serious than the normal Ed we know and love, but if we're going after the movie when he's like nineteen, then I guess we can't be too far off. Forgive me if it does seem OOC, though. Though I've been watching alot, it's still been awhile since I've been really deep into the anime. MAKE A MENTAL NOTE: THIS IS A ONE SHOT. I WILL NOT BE DOING ANYTHING ELSE WITH THIS. CAUSE LIKE I TOLD YOU BITCHES. I DONT LIKE FANFICS. I DO THEM SO I CAN WRITE R E A L STORIES WITHOUT THINKING ABOUT THESE LITTLE SPIN OFFS.

And Yes, Jesseh. I quoted Hilary Duff. Stick the straw in your juice box, and suck it. It's what inspired me and it fits to me - AND YES. I STILL LISTEN TO HER OLD CRAP. SHUT YOUR HOLE.

Read, Review, Enjoy. =]

The hillside was lonely, cold, and far from any comforts that he might gain from Winry or Al. They were inside, wisely out of the pouring, unrelenting cascade of water. Right now, Ed needed to feel that water pelt his skin, attack his scalp, and sting his face as it spilled out of the sky. In some odd way… it was cleansing, it relaxed him in a way he couldn't explain. The rain didn't care about what he had done, or what he had stolen from his little brother in his greed.

He'd been so determined, so desperate, so focused on his goal… So stupid.

It hadn't been his place to do it, to take that stupid step and allow himself or Alphonse to believe that alchemy was the answer to their problem. Saving their mother had been beyond them, and that had crushed Edward to a point he hadn't been able to allow himself to accept. So when the chance to bring her back had presented itself to him… He'd reached at it all too quickly, not thinking about the consequences or his complete, and utter lack of knowledge, experience, and understanding of what he was trying to do.

Alchemy, they discovered the hard way… was not a game, and did not appreciate being treated as a toy. Oh no, it did not. …and it was most vicious about getting that message across to the fools who abused it.

Standing there, staring up at the falling rain, Edward recalled that fateful night with his brother, where they'd found their father's dusty old book. The transmutation circle had called out to his very blood in his hopelessness, promising him the return of his mother. Just that symbol on the front of that little brown book had whispered sweetly in his ear, ensuring that they'd be happy again… Their mother would be back, father would come home, and they would be happy.

But that wasn't meant to be.

Ed and his brother spent days, and days pouring over that book and pealing through page after page for a way to revive their mother from her grave. They slaved to gather all necessary ingredients and practiced everything to a fine point, making sure it was perfect. Not a single detail missed their eye, nothing was overlooked – they were very, almost too careful.

When it came time to bring their mother back, despite their best efforts, it had all gone wrong… so, so wrong… God, the sight would never leave his mind.

That… monster that rose from the circle had been too freakish to describe properly through just words. It had been so revolting, and terrifying. It was deformed and misshapen, barely able to be noted as anything remotely human. Oh hell, it hadn't been human at all. Seconds after seeing it, Ed searched frantically for his brother but found his body missing…

Frantically, he started to search for a way to save him, only to find that his left leg was missing from the knee down. It had taken almost all of his strength, and he had only just been able to connect his brother to the suit of armor that had been in the attic with them, giving up his right arm in the process.

Details after that had been blurry… Waking up in that house… praying that it was all some horrific dream… it wasn't real…

His missing limbs were a constant testament to just how real that night had been.

Now, standing in the downpour, Ed looked down at his auto-mail hand. Absently, he flexed it, looking down at his leg next and moving it slightly. His leg was a constant reminder of what he lost in that useless attempt to bring back his mother, and a part of him despised that auto-mail leg. It was a mockery, a notation of his stupidity. His blind, single-minded stupidity…

However his arm was another story. He'd lost his right arm that night too, but not out of stupidity. It was the only thing he could be even morbidly proud of from the ordeal. In sacrificing his arm, he'd saved his little brother's life, but even then, it taunted him. Sure; Al inhabited the suit of armor, able to exist in some manner because of the sacrifice.

But his body…. His real body was gone and that too, was Ed's fault. If he had been a little smarter, thought it through a little more… Alphonse would have his body; his light brown hair, his big eyes, his round face… Al was just a kid, just a little kid…

"Big brother," Ed heard Al call to him from the bottom of the hill, coming up with a blanket awkwardly draped over his head and shoulders to minimize getting wet. The armor was prone to rusting. "Big brother," he said, "you should come inside now. Winry just made supper. Aren't you hungry?"

For a long moment, Ed didn't look at his little brother, not sure what to say to him. Should he apologize and swear to make amends for everything he cost his brother? Was there honestly anything he could possibly say to him? After considering for a moment the thought, he decided that that no, there wasn't a damn thing he could say. So, he gave Al a waning smile and said softly, "I'm right behind ya, Al. Go on in before you rust, okay? Save me a spot at the table."

"Will do, big brother," Al replied eagerly as he started to go back down the hill. Though he stopped, pivoting and asking in that beyond-his-years wise way he always did, "Are you sure you're okay, brother?"

Ed never lied to his brother, and he didn't now. Al was all he had, so he answered with a bitter laugh, but honestly, "No, I'm not. But it's nothing you can fix, Al." Silence fell between them and then he spoke again softly, "I'll be along shortly."

Al didn't push it or argue, simply saying almost too soft to hear, "I love you, Ed."

"Love you too, Al. Get on, alright? You're gonna rust and then Winry will yell our ears off until she can oil you up enough to move." That made his brother chuckle as he started running down the hill, his armor body making a bunch of noise as he moved.

Another few moments passed and Ed just kept staring out into the sky, as if it had all the answers and the Philosopher's Stone would fall into his lap so he could restore his brother's body and his limbs. But as can be expected, he got no answers and no stone fell from the clouds.

With a sigh, he muttered to himself, "At least Al didn't make short jokes today."

"COME ON, SHORTY! I'M GONNA EAT YOUR SHARE," Al yelled from the house door, a big figure blocking the light coming from within.

… Never mind. There it was.