This Has to Be Enough
Sometimes I lie awake at night and listen to his breathing.
Every time I hear him inhale, exhale, I thank God, or whoever, that he exists.
And it's times like those I forget that he's my brother, that I'm not allowed
to love him, and that I do anyway.
It's his eyes. They say we have the same eyes but I know we
don't, I know no one has eyes like his. They're every color in the world,
silver and emerald and acid sapphire and gold. Colors you wouldn't believe.
It's a cliché but sometimes I want to drown in them, suffocate myself in his
impossibly beautiful eyes.
People who know me, well or just as a passing acquaintance,
would be surprised to hear me thinking like this. After all, I'm a Weasley
twin. All we do is break rules and pull jokes and create things for a joke
shop. Even our family doesn't take us seriously. When I told them I was gay, my
mother thought it was another joke. They all did.
And sometimes I hate him. Hate him for being so beautiful,
for kissing Angelina and Lee in the same night, for being my best friend, for
being my brother. For letting me love him, for not knowing I love him.
He sits at the foot of my bed, his legs crossed over my
ankles. "Why are you still awake?"
"I wasn't. I just woke up because I felt this great weight on
my foot." I say, but he knows I'm lying, because he's my twin brother and we've
spent almost every waking moment of our lives together.
He shifts his weight, inching higher, up onto my shins.
"Good." He says, then flicks my stomach. "Why were you awake?" He asks again.
"I was just, I was thinking." I roll over on my side,
knocking him off me in the process. I can't handle his weight on my legs, the
feel of his skin brushing against mine. I just can't deal with it anymore. "Is
that illegal?"
He lands gracefully on his side, facing me. He props himself
up on his elbow and glares down at me. "There's more than that, I know it. Why
are you upset?"
"I'm not!" I snap in exasperation and flip onto my back
again, staring at the ceiling. "Why do you care, anyway?"
He flicks me again. "I'm your brother, you prat." He says and
I can hear the desperate anger which echoes in his voice. "And you've been
moping around the house all summer, and you won't tell anyone why, and you
don't get enough sleep, and you keep moving in your bed, and you keep me
awake."
"Annd everyone knows that George's happiness reigns over
all." I mumble and turn on my side, my back to him now. He's right, I do
fidget. But I can't bear to look at him, sleeping so peacefully, innocently.
And I can't bear not to look at him. And the only thing constant in my mind is
self hatred.
The bed shifts as he gets off the bed, and I think he is
returning to his bed, and the pain is almost too much. Have I finally
succeeded? Have I finally pushed him far enough away? The thought burns like
acid in my mind. I need him, and I need to be without him. I can't take this
much longer.
But I don't hear him walking away, and the sheets are lifted
as he slides his slim frame beneath them. He wraps his arm around my chest, and
rests his head on my pillow, so close I can feel his breath ruffling my hair.
We have done this since we were old enough to crawl across
the floor and into each other's bed. It has to do with comfort, with being held
and knowing that someone cares. Sometimes we even do it at Hogwarts, and no one
knows except Lee, and I think he understands. Or he understands why George does
it. I don't think anyone could understand why I curl around my twin's body
sometimes and hold him so close that I can feel his heart beating.
He pulls me closer, and in a few moments I hear his breathing
deepen. He is sleeping, and his arm is still wrapped around me, and his bare
chest is still pressed against mine, and I can't help but wish for more. For
the something more that I can never have.
Because this has to be enough, this comfort, these nights
spent together, the feeling of his breath hot on my skin and his arms wrapped
around me tightly. Because he is my best friend, because he could never, would
never return my love, because he is my twin brother, this has to be enough.
