It may seem like a small thing, but what I remember most about training for the Crimson Squad is Baralai.

I started out completely focused, believe me. I lived, breathed and dreamed Crimson Squad. All I wanted was to be a part of it- sure I was only a reporter… but I thought that maybe, just maybe, I could prove myself somehow… in the end though, I became part of something bigger. Something better.

A family.

And then came Shuyin.

I remember my first mission training for the Squad. Nobody knew each other. Baralai and Gippal were really excited- Nooj wasn't, but when was he ever? They didn't have to include me- that wasn't part of the package; I was just there to record.

But, in the midst of everything, Baralai turns around and says, "what's your name?"

I was surprised.

I didn't tell him at first. My name, I mean. I didn't tell anyone for a while- it was part of my whole "focus" package. When I told them, they laughed. It was after a drill- Nooj had managed to hurt his remaining leg pretty badly. I think he meant to- it scared me. I patched him up, seeing as neither Baralai nor Gippal were able to, and he asked me what my name was again. And, well, I guess I figured that once you've saved someone's life –even against their will- they deserve to know your name. I told him that it was Paine and Gippal pulled a face.

He shortened it to Doctor P and Baralai laughed. I didn't think it was funny but apparently it was because even Nooj laughed. Doctor P… I guess it stuck. I always meant to murder Gippal for passing it on to Rikku, though.

Still, I kept to filming. I didn't speak with them, or walk with them half the time- I didn't even eat with them at the end of the day. And I slept under the stars with my machina.

I thought it was all I needed in the world.

The others became fast friends and I tried not to be jealous. Honestly? I think I needed a friend- maybe a couple of good ones. When I look back, I sometimes regret all the wasted time… but that's how it went- no use complaining now.

Even Nooj warmed up to the others eventually. Baralai and Gippal were constant sources of amusement for all of us.

When I think of the four of us as friends, I think of that one time on the S.S. Winno. I was filming, of course- I was always filming.

"So, once we get Sin, the Calm will come. Got anything exciting planned?" Gippal said.

I remember thinking how easy it sounded- but unlike him, I was never under the illusion that our time with the Crimson Squad would be painless.

Baralai, however, chuckled, saying that he hadn't really thought about it.

"It sounds dull," Nooj remarked and Baralai laughed outright.

"First he wants to drop dead, now he's looking for excitement?"

"Guess we'd better think of something fun to keep Nooj entertained, huh?" Gippal teased.

"Brat," Nooj retorted and everyone had laughed- me included, though I tried in vain to stifle it.

Baralai heard, and he turned around, smiling down at me, sitting there, "why don't you join us?" he asked, offering his hand and I took it.

Baralai's just the sort of person who includes everybody, though, it doesn't mean that he has a soft spot for me, like Rikku and Gippal always suggested.

Me, though, I definitely had a soft spot for all my boys. I really did grow to like them, in the end… unfortunately, the end was too late.

The Den of Woe… so many died in there and I know that we were not far from following in their numbers. But no, I managed to keep my friends from their deaths somehow… I always wondered what they saw, though. They spoke of a deep, gutting sadness that overcame them- somehow connected to the pyreflies. It was all so confusing. I knew they had been changed by it but I never understood how.

It soon became apparent that the Maesters were after our blood- yet another thing I didn't understand. We thought that it would be safest to split up, but no sooner had Gippal and Baralai turned their backs than they found bullets embedded within.

I remember seeing them fall. Baralai first- I watched the bullet hit with a sort of blind horror. I couldn't think, I couldn't breathe. I let out a strangled gasp that sounded like a sob and cried out, wondering 'was that my voice?' Then Gippal fell too and I turned to their assailant.

Nooj.

I swear, my heart stopped, just then. I cried out his name, aghast… I can still see his face sometimes…

"I said, your work's done!"

The voice was not his own… but still, it haunted me.

And Baralai's face- Baralai's cry. That has never left me. Just thinking about it, my heart aches… and watching the sphere… I cried. I did, I'll admit it. I cried. I was silent –dignified- but I cried all the same and my shame was not lessened by half. Yuna and Rikku saw it too- but they knew better than to point it out. I'm glad. I don't know if I could talk about it- even now… so many years later.

Gippal spoke to me about it once. He said he needed to and I was not going to deny him his means of moving on- I was not so bitter. He said that he remembered the gunshot more than anything. Then another. He remembered falling, and my gasp- my horrified gasp when all else was silent. I wish I'd kept silent, for him. He told me that he remembered Nooj's voice- a third gunshot, then silence. A terrible silence he thought was death.

When he awoke, he was elsewhere.

I don't know exactly what happened to us after Nooj shot us. I awoke at the inn near Lake Macalania. Rin said that Baralai had told him that I had a home in Bevelle and should be taken to the nearest refuge. I asked Rin if he had found us, and he said that he didn't need to- everyone in the inn heard the gunshots… but nobody had wanted to go outside. I told him that it didn't matter, but I think we all wish that someone had done something… not that there was time.

I asked after Baralai's health and Rin said he had left already. I felt immediately better. He was well enough to travel- I was glad. Rin told me that he had gone to Bevelle, to speak with the Maesters and my heart sank again.

I feared that he would never return.

Rin also spoke of Gippal and Nooj- Gippal had returned to the Al Bhed and Nooj… he was long gone. I felt weak, then. Not physically- emotionally- and I hated it. Everyone else was up and gone while I lay there… for how long, I will never know. I didn't have the heart to ask Rin.

"Did they say anything?" I asked instead and Rin told me that Nooj had muttered things terribly unsavoury as he walked away but would not repeat them to me.

He also said that he had overheard Gippal and Baralai speaking about me.

"We can't stay here long, man," Gippal had said, "the Maesters will be after us soon… and Nooj too, I guess- when he realises that we're still alive."

"We have to make sure she's okay," Baralai had told him and Rin said that he had sounded pained and miserable.

"Rin will take care of her- we have to leave."

"Not until she wakes up."

"Man…" said Gippal, "then I guess this is goodbye…"

"Goodbye," Baralai agreed.

The two men had clasped hands, then let go.

"Someday," said Gippal, "I'll find out what happened to us. And what happened to Nooj. Our Nooj."

"Me too," Baralai agreed, nodding deeply.

Gippal paused a moment more, looking sad to be leaving, "goodbye," he said again, and he left.

Rin said that Baralai turned to me then- sat down by my bed and held my hand, apparently deep in thought… he also said that, as he turned to leave us alone, out of the corner of his eye, he thought he saw Baralai… leaning down to kiss me…

I've never asked him about it- I'm not sure I want to. There are enough things I don't understand as it is, I don't want to bring …love… into it.

Baralai had then looked up and seen Rin.

"Can you take care of her for me?" he had asked.

"Of course."

"I need you to close this agency for a while- take her somewhere safe… anywhere but here. I've made up my mind- I am going to see the Maesters in Bevelle."

"I will protect her with my life," Rin said and Baralai pressed a large sum of gil into his hands.

"For you, my friend- for everything you've done for us."

"I cannot take this, Mister Baralai."

"Yes, you can. You saved our lives and even now, you are protecting Paine for me. You deserve it -more, even- but it is all I have. Someday I will repay you."

"There is no need."

"You are truly a good friend, Rin," said Baralai, and Rin says that he touched my face, then, and ran his fingers through my hair… staring at me sadly…

Then, abruptly, he straightened, left and severed all ties.

I heard no more from my friends for a very long time… Basing my search for answers in Bevelle, though, I was one of the first to hear about the uprising of the Youth League- and that Nooj led it.

Still, I had not found the answers I was looking for and it seemed to me like time was running out.

Next came news of Baralai- the new Praetor… I left Bevelle then. I didn't want to see him. I returned to my hometown of Kilika, but the Youth League had spread there and conflict was already rising between them and New Yevon. I caught a glimpse of Nooj then. He didn't see me but I surprised myself by being glad that he was okay… even after everything that happened. Even after the nightmares.

We were the Crimson Squad- the only survivors of the final selection exercise- the only ones that made the cut… so what, the Maesters were out to get us- I could handle that… but these guys were my friends and even then I missed them.

I moved next to Djose, where I think I might have once had a cousin. I wanted to see the ruins of Operation Mi'hen. Just to see them. On the way, I passed the temple, where I saw a large rabble crowding outside. I went to investigate and there was Gippal. I didn't stop to chat. I ran.

All of a sudden they kept popping up everywhere. The leaders of New Yevon, the Youth League and the Machine Faction.

All that I had avoided for so long was back… and I was alone this time.

Don't get me wrong, I know Gippal would have talked to me if he'd seen me. Nooj too. And Baralai… but I didn't want to see them. I was confused and afraid. Here they were, making something of their lives and I just had just crashed and burned. I wanted to show them that I was strong too- I was more than just a sphere recorder, even if Nooj had called me a great one.

I was a warrior.

And from then on, I started searching the past more thoroughly than ever before.

Still walking along the highroad, I caught my first glimpse of Rikku, being chased around by Brother, squealing. I ignored her- what did I care about a foolish, blonde Al Bhed in the street.

We walked along the same route though and soon I heard Rikku say, "Veha! Pa dryd fyo! E's kuhhy ku dymg du Gippal!" and she turned back towards the temple.

I knew enough Al Bhed to know that she was going to see Gippal and I was surprised. I guess I didn't expect him to have any close friends but Nooj, Baralai and I, yet I could hear from her voice that she placed him highly in her mind. Curious, I followed her silently, unable to resist he urge to see my old friend again, even if just from a distance.

Not long after though, I saw Rikku ambushed by a large number of fiends ahead of us both and, knowing she couldn't fight them alone, ran to help.

It was then that I realised how completely and utterly defenceless I am without my weapon, which, to save carrying it on my journey, I had left in Bevelle with hopes of later buying a new one…

"Dressphere!" called out a voice from the side, and I turned to see a midget in a gasmask, waving something in the air frantically. A sphere? "Dressphere!" he called again, "heads up!"

Half a second later the sphere was flying my way. It was labelled 'thief'. I activated it and gasped as it changed my plain black shirt and long grey skirt into the most horribly revealing and inappropriate outfit you can imagine…

"Am I supposed to fight in this?!" I yelled and the boy tossed me another sphere, which read 'Lady Luck'. "Try again, kid!" I yelled tossing both spheres back and converting to my normal clothes.

"For the love of the fayth…" muttered the boy and I could tell that he was annoyed.

"A little help?" squealed Rikku, dodging.

"I doona know how ta fight!" Brother complained.

"Do you?" asked Rikku, panting a little.

"With a decent weapon," I said, a little snappishly, "haven't you got a sword, kid?"

"It's a sword you want?" said the kid and I nodded. He chucked me one last sphere and I changed, grinning.

"Warrior- this is what I'm talking about!"

I joined Rikku and began fighting off the fiends.

Behind me, I heard another voice, "who's that with Rikku?"

"I doona know," said Brother, shrugging.

"She insulted my dresspheres," said the kid.

"Relaaaax, Shinra! She's helping!"

The kid called Shinra huffed.

"Definitely helping," said the other guy.

"Gullwings material?"

"Most definitely," he agreed. "Just leave this to me."

"Naaaaah, Buddy! Leave it to Captain Brother!"

The fight ended and Rikku scattered.

I turned to see some Al Bhed coming towards me.

"What's your name?" asked Shinra as I handed back the dressphere.

Okay, it's stupid… but him saying that made me think of first meeting Baralai…

"It's Paine," I said, and turned to walk away.

"Youth League or New Yevon?" asked Brother.

I thought it was an odd question to ask but I just shrugged, "neither."

"Smart," said Buddy.

"We were wondering if you'd like to join our group?" said Shinra.

"What is it?" I asked warily.

"The GULLWINGS!" Brother yelled, causing several people to stare.

"We're a relatively new group of sphere hunters," Buddy explained calmly and I swear my heart skipped a beat. "It would be really great to have such an accomplished swordswoman-"

"I'll join," I said instantly.

It was perfect… sphere hunting… that's how I'd find the answers I sought.

A few days later, I met Rikku again, as well as her cousin, the high summoner. They wanted to join the Gullwings too.

"Oh, yay!!! Yunie, look! It's her! The girl who save my life while some people just stood and watched!"

I raised an eyebrow, "Paine," I said, looking the two girls up and down.

"Where are you from, Paine?" asked Yuna politely.

"Here and there- mostly there."

"Huh?" said Yuna.

"You don't need to know," I translated, and I walked off.

-

Two years later Vegnagun is gone- Shuyin and Lenne have found their eternal rest on the farplane… and me? I'm back where I started.

Nowhere.

I go from place to place- drifting like the homeless squatter I am. I had an apartment back in Bevelle before the whole Vegnagun deal… but I can't return there. I don't know if I can ever settle down again, though Yuna and Rikku have managed.

Rikku's always busy- she doesn't have time to write. We have our old Gullwings communicators, though. Sometimes she calls- just to bug me. I miss having her around. Sure, she pried a lot, but still I miss her.

And Yuna- she's been engaged to that blitzer for two years. She's twenty-one now. She wanted to marry him the moment he came back- I think she feared losing him again- but the black mage and her husband on Besaid forbade her from marrying until she turns twenty-three. Rikku says that she would have made her wait longer but she herself married at twenty-three, and it wouldn't be fair if she were to prolong it further.

Speaking of engagements, though, Rikku –at only nineteen- is marrying Gippal in the spring. I think it's to cover up the baby. Cid is definitely hud rybbo- not happy.

Anyway, the Gullwings are all finding themselves partners. You know what? Brother is going out with Nhadala- from the dig. At least she might be able to kick some sense into him… Buddy's got himself some Al Bhed or other- I'm not sure of the name, not having met her myself. Thankfully, Shinra's several years off marriage yet. I accompany him in his studies sometimes. He says I'm learning well, though you have no idea how odd it is to be taught by a midget in a gas mask.

On the subject of midgets- the red-haired kid, Vidina, is doing well. He's walking now and he can talk some. But he still calls me 'Pay' instead of Paine. I don't suppose I can blame him, though.

Yuna's teaching him to sing- I don't think he likes it very much. Rikku is the only person brave enough to listen to him squawking. Her and Lulu, that is. Lulu dotes on him like anything. Wakka wants him to be a blitzball star but Lulu's trying to sway him towards academics.

You know what I say? Let the kid be! He's only two-years-old!

Now the boys- they're okay. They've changed a lot since the Squad, though.

Nooj hasn't been a deathseeker for a long time now. Sure, he's no Rikku, but he's not suicidal. I think Captain Lucil might have something to do with that but I'm sure I'd be murdered for suggesting it…

Gippal, I've already said, is with Rikku, but being a future daddy hasn't lessened his thirst for knowledge at all. The digs have continued and "machines" are sprouting up everywhere.

The chocobos are well and truly gone from the highroad but Calli is helping Clasko with his newest chocobo breeding project- they've set up a special wildlife reserve in the Calm Lands. Elma's there too… again with the romance! I think she likes him, which means that it's totally obvious because I usually don't pick up on that sort of thing.

Baralai is still the Praetor of New Yevon but despite his annoyingly increasing lack of free time, I probably spend most of mine with him. I help him with the boring paperwork and then we go out someplace. It's fun, and no matter what's up, I know he'll never turn me away.

Aside from that, he's also the only guy in our little group who isn't dating, engaged or married- he shares my views on romance.

Painful and disappointing.

But by all means, prove me wrong and let it work out for my friends.

Before you ask, which you will if you're anything at all like Rikku, which I sincerely hope you're not, I haven't forgotten about what Rin said all those years ago, about him kissing me while I slept, but I think I'm going to let that slide. He doesn't know that I know, so everything's cool right? We never even have to talk about it… Still… sometimes I wonder what he'd say if I told him I knew. Would he deny it? Or apologise? Or, I dunno, kiss me again…

The last outcome doesn't seem all that bad… Fayth, please don't drag me into the dating scene!

I think I'm almost happy this way. Everyone else is- so I should be too, right?

"Painey! I finally get around to coming for a visit and you totally space out on me!!!"

I looked up blankly, "I'm sorry, Rikku, what were you saying?"

"What was the last thing you heard?"

"Ohmiyevon! Painey! It's been forever!" I quoted obligingly.

Rikku made a face that can only be described as o.o and gawped, "Painey, that was like six hours ago- what the fuck is going on in your head?!"

"I'm just thinking," I said, not wanting to go into it.

"About what?"

"Stuff."

"What kind of stuff?"

"Stuff stuff."

Rikku looked vaguely annoyed, "c'mon, Paine! At least tell me what's so important that you'd zone out on me even when I haven't seen you for months and months!"

I sighed, knowing that I wouldn't be able to get around it, "I was thinking about the Crimson Squad- and about Baralai."

Why didn't I lie, you ask? I honestly have no idea.

"Baralai? But you see him every day! It's been three months since we've seen each other and you just- oooooooh."

I looked up, raising an eyebrow.

She was grinning that insane grin of hers, "you like him, huh?"

"Ye- no! Not like that!"

Rikku pouted, "fine! Lie to your best friend! Who you haven't seen in-!"

"Okay, okay! Don't get all upset!" Fayth… I'm going soft… "I like him, happy? I might even… you know…"

"Nup," said Rikku, grinning again, "I don't know. Saaaaaay it."

"I might even love him," I said, low and fast. Rikku sat back in her chair contentedly.

"When are you going to tell him?"

I shook my head sceptically, "I'm not," I told her.

"Why am I not surprised?" asked Rikku, holding a hand to her head.

"Because romance is a waste of time?" I suggested and she glared.

"No! Because it's you! You never do anything fun, Painey!"

"That's not true!" I protested.

"What have you been doing since Vegnagun was destroyed?"

"I've been… around…" I said lamely and she nodded.

I would have told her about hanging out with Baralai but you know what she'd think. It'd only further convince her that we belonged together…

"Don't tell me you wouldn't like it, Painey," said Rikku earnestly.

"Like What?"

"To touch Baralai and kiss him and to pour your heart out to him when things get hard- for that to be okay… you could make a family, Painey! And have a home!"

"What if I don't want a family?" I said defiantly.

"Well then that's fine too," said Rikku, "because Baralai respects you enough to abide by your wishes."

"Rikku, I don't want to be in a relationship- I'm happy as I am!" Rikku stood up irritably and grabbed my arm. "Ow! What did I do?!"

"Come with me," she tugged me out of my seat roughly and I followed her to the temple, albeit reluctantly and constantly glaring at her back.

When we got there, she asked for Baralai and we were shown into his office.

"Paine, Lady Rikku, it's nice to see you both," he said, setting aside the paperwork on his desk.

I looked away determinedly and Rikku spoke, "hey, 'Lai, do you love Paine?"

I couldn't help but gawp at her bluntness. How does someone even respond to a question like that?! Answer: With great difficulty.

"E-excuse me?!" he spluttered.

"You heard me," said Rikku easily, "I asked whether or not you loved Paine- it's a yes or no question."

"That is not a yes or no question," Baralai protested.

"Why not?"

"Because it's complicated," he said.

Well, now I have my proof. He can't say it. He can't even say that one word. He doesn't love me. I was right…

…But why does it feel so wrong?

"How is it complicated?" asked Rikku naively. "Do you mean because Paine's here? Because Paine can go if you want."

I nodded shortly.

Baralai shook his head, "how… how did you chance upon the subject in the first place?"

"Painey told me that she loved you."

I swear, at that moment my chest constricted so tight in my chest that I honestly thought that I was about to faint. My head hurt, my stomach churned and my heart was aching like Hell.

"Is that true, Paine?" asked Baralai softly.

"So what if it is?" I ended up snapping.

"I'd like to know where I stand," he said and, Fayth, his eyes were so gentle…

"Okay, it's true. Ha-ha-ha. Get over it."

"I'm not laughing, Paine."

"It's no big deal- stop being so serious," I crossed my arms across my chest defensively.

"But I'm serious about you. About loving you."

I blinked and stared at the floor, shrugging silently. Fayth, now I was speechless. Where are all my divine witty comebacks? Where is my scathing intellect? WHY AM I STANDING HERE GAWPING LIKE A FOOL?!

"Ohmiyevon! This is so perfect!!!" Rikku squealed but I hardly heard it.

'But I'm serious about you. About loving you.'

Damnit, Baralai, get out of my head!

"Paine…? Are you okay?"

I looked up at him and smiled weakly, "yeah, I am… I was just thinking…"

"About what?"

"About you. And about me. And about back in the Squad. And about us. Mostly about us…"

"So there is one? An 'us', I mean."

I smiled a little wider, "yeah, I think there might be."

He grinned and came up to me, grasping both my hands in his and leaning in slightly. It took me a moment to realise what was happening, but when I did, I pushed him away firmly, but hopefully gently.

"Eh…?"

I looked him straight in the eye stubbornly, "I am not kissing you in front of Rikku."

Rikku heaved a large sigh and I saw her slump dejectedly out of the corner of my eye.

"Don't worry," said Baralai, nodded easily, eyes still locked on mine. "Rikku was just leaving."