Disclaimer: I don't own the show or the characters.
"The Return of Georgina"
As Blackadder paced in the main 'room' of the underground bunk, Baldrick fished for whatever it was he was fishing for in what they called their kitchen. Blackadder stopped pacing and deepened the look of confusion on his face when Baldrick approached with some items of food in his hands.
"Starting dinner at three, Baldrick?" he asked, scratching his neck slightly.
"No, captain. I've got a question."
"Shoot—eh, give me the gun first."
"Well, I was thinkin." Baldrick announced, handing the gun to Blackadder.
"That's new."
"I'm not gettin any younger."
"Or smarter."
"Yes, well, I was considering marriage."
"To who? Or more fittingly, what?"
"After I find that lady-friend of mine, I could marry her…and this turnip." Baldrick said, raising his right hand, which held the white vegetable covered in grits of dirt. "I'll be the one to start three-person marriages." he stated proudly.
Blackadder clasped his hands before he spoke.
"Baldrick, I'm sorry to crush your hopes, but if you're going to start three-person marriages, you can't be wed to your turnip."
"Why not, captain?"
"For one thing, it's not a person. And another, where on earth would you find its bridal garb? Even a turnip, a turnip belonging to you, deserves proper attire for matrimony." he said persuasively.
"I haven't thought of that at all."
"Naturally. I suppose your 'lady-friend' is a turnip as well, or some other type of tuber?"
"Actually sir, no."
"Good god. What is she then?"
(----------)
After much staring on the dirt floor on Baldrick's part, and staring at Baldrick on Blackadder's part, one of them decided to speak.
"What about this sausage?" Baldrick inquired, lifting his left hand this time.
"What about it?"
"Would it be appropriate for me to marry this lovely sausage?"
"If you could shrink yourself to its size and be wed in my stomach, then yes."
"Oh." Baldrick mumbled, with a look of catatonic dismay.
(---------------)
Meanwhile, in the general's quarters….
"Oh…such beautiful flaxen curls, radiant alabaster skin, firm and supple b—"
"Darling! You naughty man, you."
"How did you know my name?"
"What?"
"I haven't told you my name."
"Oh, but doesn't one use pet titles for people they feel an attraction for? I was thinking of calling you 'manly meat pie,' but somehow that struck me as unsuitable." George said, mimicking the high voice of a woman mixed with a tinge of a caterwauling feline.
"I see." Kevin Darling replied. "Anyway, as I was saying, what firm and supple, um…." he went on, forgetting what it was he was describing.
He stared at George and said "Boots." George looked down in surprise and pulled on the dress he was wearing.
"I've got to go." he said, still tugging on the hem of the gown. He made his way to the door.
"Why ever so, my sweet?" Darling asked as he rose to follow George, or as he thought, Georgina.
"I think—" George paused to clear his throat. "I think I left the kettle running!" he finished, almost losing the simulated voice. "Goodbye!" he called out and closed the door, leaving Darling with no chance to change his mind.
(----------)
Back in the bunk….
"Baldrick, have you finished looking for your bride slash my supper yet?"
"No sir." Baldrick answered, popping his head out of the kitchen.
"Well let's hurry it up now!"
"Right."
And then, after Baldrick returned his head to its normal position….
"Where's that kettle then?" George asked, bursting in laughter into the bunk and looking very pleased.
"Oh lord." Blackadder managed to say. "What did you do? Em, but before you answer that, fix your hair. It's crooked."
"Oh, thanks." George said with a chuckle, while he adjusted the blonde wig.
"What were you doing?"
George giggled. "You know. Just messing around with old Darling over yonder at the quarters."
Blackadder was about to say something when Baldrick butted in from the kitchen.
"Who's there, sir?"
Blackadder had his mouth open for a moment, thinking of a response.
"A bride, Baldrick, all for you!" he finally said, smiling to himself.
George laughed even harder.
FIN
Note: I guess thanks are in order to Jayne Cobb09, for the "meat pie" bit. Anyjoe, this is my first stab at a comedic fic. So, how was it?