Is Love Alive?
A Holiday Tale About Overcoming Fear and Uncertainty
(Disclaimer: All HiME belongs to Sunrise)
Note: It is very late in completion and I apologize for that. But, as I had already started posting it, I felt I should go ahead and put it all up even though it is long past Christmas now. Perhaps you will find it was worth the ridiculous wait. I hope so. A very special thanks to the love of my life for looking this over for me.
"So this is Christmas," Natsuki murmured to no one in particular.
"And what have you done," a soft Kyoto-ben responded.
Natsuki whirled around to face the sudden intrusion, her jaw slack.
"Shizuru...you know John Lennon," she stuttered at last.
A soft laugh followed by the response.
"Ara, Natsuki doesn't know everything about me."
The raven-haired girl blushed and turned away.
"Baka. It just doesn't seem like your type of music is all. And anyway, since when are you back in Fuuka?"
Another giggle as Shizuru's smile widened.
"That was a quick change of subject Natsuki, but very well. I have just returned actually. My train arrived a little over an hour ago."
"And you came out here," Natsuki questioned.
"I wanted to see you. I stopped by your apartment but you were not there. I thought you might be here."
The emerald-eyed girl smiled at this.
"You could've just called my cell you know. I would've picked you up at the station."
Shizuru's eyes twinkled mischievously.
"As much as I love riding so close to Natsuki, I did not wish to inconvenience her."
There was a small choking sound from her companion and Shizuru could not help but giggle again.
"Ba..baka," the furiously blushing girl shouted. "Leave it to you to make such a remark." And, after a moment, much more quietly, "You could never be an inconvenience you know."
Shizuru's smile softened as Natsuki turned to meet her gaze.
"Ookini Natsuki. That is very kind of you to say, but all the same, I preferred not to disturb your routine more than was overly necessary."
Natsuki rolled her eyes and pulled Shizuru into a surprisingly tight embrace.
"Baka. I've missed you, you know," she whispered into flaxen hair.
Crimson eyes widened a fraction at this revelation. A moment passed before she responded.
"I have missed my Natsuki as well. Very much."
"Say Shizuru," Natsuki began when they had both settled onto her sofa, "isn't your family expecting you home for the holidays?"
"Does Natsuki wish to be rid of me so soon? And after she just confessed to having missed me."
"That's not what I said at all!" Natsuki cried. "I just thought that you would be expected home is all."
Attempting not to giggle at her friends' outburst, Shizuru replied, "If Natsuki says that is all she meant, I will believe her."
"Damn straight," her companion growled, earning a chuckle from the crimson-eyed woman.
"My parents will not be expecting me until the New Year. Why, did Natsuki have something in mind for Christmas?"
This question sent the raven-haired girl into a fit of coughing and Shizuru could not help but grin.
"Ara, that cough does not sound good. Does Natsuki need a glass of water?"
Emerald eyes glared at her in response.
"Whatever is that look for? I am only concerned for Natsuki's well-being," Shizuru continued innocently.
"Like hell," Natsuki finally managed to choke out.
Shizuru's expression grew pained.
"Natsuki does not think I am concerned for her?"
"GAH," the raven-haired girl raged, leaping up from the sofa. "Why is it that I can never say anything you can't manage to turn against me?!"
"If Natsuki were not so cute when she is flustered it would not be so enticing," Shizuru responded with a mischievous smile.
"I…you…why…"
"Yes," her companion asked sweetly.
Natsuki collapsed back onto the couch with a sigh.
"I give up. You win okay?"
For the first time that evening, Shizuru did not look at her when she answered.
"If Natsuki says…"
It was much later when Natsuki finally got around to asking the question that had been on her mind since first hearing Shizuru's voice at the cliff.
"Ne Shizuru, why didn't you call me?"
Shizuru looked up from her tea, confusion clouding her crimson orbs.
"I told Natsuki. I did not wish to disturb her."
Natsuki sighed.
"That's not what I meant. I haven't heard from you since the summer. Not even a text."
She was looking down at her hands as she said this.
"Natsuki, kannin na. It has been a very busy semester between my course work and student council obligations. I did not mean to lose touch."
Natsuki looked at her then, her emerald eyes shining.
"I thought…maybe…maybe you had forgotten about me."
The flaxen-haired girl drew in a breath then reached out, tucking a stray strand of hair behind Natsuki's ear.
"Forget you. Natsuki, I could never."
She held the girl's gaze as she said this, wanting to convey the seriousness of her statement. Natsuki looked at her uncertainly, then away again.
"Of course it was a silly thought. You have so many obligations at university. It was foolish of me to think it was anything else. And besides, it's not like we have to talk all the time or even that often. I know you have other friends, new friends, admirers, dates…"
Natsuki's ramblings were cut short by the sound of Shizuru's laughter.
"Oi, what's so funny," the raven-haired girl demanded.
"Natsuki thinks I am going out on dates so frequently that I could not call her?"
Shizuru continued to laugh as Natsuki stammered and flushed.
"Well, I mean…you were always so popular in high school and of course you're a beautiful woman. Anyone would be crazy not to take an interest and it's only reasonable that you would accept requests from time to time isn't it?"
Shizuru stopped laughing and fixed Natsuki with such a strange stare that it caused her to repeat her question.
"Well, isn't it Shizuru?"
Her companion did not answer right away. She continued staring at Natsuki with that look she could not decipher and it was making her decidedly uncomfortable.
"Shizuru? What is it? Did I say something wrong?"
Finally, the crimson-eyed woman responded.
"Natsuki really thinks that is true?"
"What," Natsuki asked, "that it only makes sense that you would be dating now?"
Shizuru still had that odd look on her face as she replied.
"No, Natsuki's reasons for why I would be dating now."
The raven-haired girl thought a moment, then a blush rose in her cheeks and she looked down at the floor.
"I, well, of course I do. I said it didn't I?"
It was gruff and Natsuki's eyes would not budge from the floor but it made Shizuru smile all the more for it.
"Ookini. That is very sweet. But what Natsuki says is not true. I have not been dating since arriving at university."
Natsuki looked up, eyes wide.
"Really," she asked a bit too loudly. "I mean, well of course, you're so busy with school work and the student council. But surely you've been asked."
The flaxen-haired woman smiled at this.
"Yes, it is as Natsuki says."
At this affirmation, her companion nodded.
"Of course it is."
She was smiling as she said this though it did not quite reach her eyes.
"And what of Natsuki?"
"Ehhh," came the surprised response.
"Has Natsuki been seeing anyone special? Since she has taken such an interest in my personal life, I feel it is only right that I also be concerned with hers."
There was mirth in this statement and Natsuki could not help but feel that she was being teased.
"Shizuru, I wasn't trying to pry. I mean, I just haven't talked to you in a while and well, I feel like I don't know what's going on in your life anymore."
Shizuru's smile warmed her and Natsuki could feel the blush creeping up her neck once more.
"Natsuki is welcome to ask anything of me she wishes." There was a pause and then Shizuru's smile turned into a grin. "However, it would seem that Natsuki did not even answer the one question I asked of her."
"Wha," the raven-haired girl began before recalling Shizuru's question. "Oh, that. No, I haven't been seeing anyone."
"Ara, not even Takeda-kun. If I recall, he was quite taken with you."
"Shizuru," her friend cut her off, exasperation evident in her tone. "You know I told him I wasn't interested."
Shizuru was smiling playfully and Natsuki just sighed at her again.
"Of course Natsuki. Kannin na. I only wanted to be sure nothing had changed. As you say, we have been out of touch for some time now."
The emerald-eyed girl shook her head, eying her friend.
"And whose fault is that ne?"
At this, Shizuru sniffed.
"Ara, is Natsuki angry with me?"
She turned away from Natsuki then, her shoulders shaking slightly.
"Oi," Natsuki panicked, reaching for Shizuru's shoulder. "Gomen. Of course I'm not angry with you. I just wish we had been able to talk more is all."
When Shizuru turned to face her again, she was grinning.
"That is good. I could not stand for Natsuki to be angry with me."
The raven-haired girl groaned and rolled her eyes. Flipping on the TV, she fell back against her couch cushions.
"You haven't changed a bit have you Shizuru?"
As Shizuru shifted to a more comfortable position, she replied softly.
"Not in the ways which matter Natsuki."
"You want me to teach you how to make a Christmas cake?"
Natsuki nodded as Mai eyed her with thinly veiled curiosity.
"You want me to teach you how to make a Christmas cake?"
"Damn it Mai, yes," Natsuki exclaimed.
Still perplexed (and certainly intrigued) Mai pressed the issue.
"Why?"
Natsuki looked at the floor, shoved her hands deeper into the pockets of her hoodie, then met Mai's gaze.
"I just thought it would be nice to know how."
Mai was beginning to smile now.
"You thought it would be nice to know how?"
Natsuki glared at her.
"Are you going to repeat every damn thing I say?"
Mai chuckled.
"I'm sorry it's just that, in all the time I've known you, you've never expressed even the slightest interest in learning how to cook anything. Now, suddenly, you want to bake a Christmas cake."
A blush was creeping its way onto Natsuki's face.
"Yes."
The smile on Mai's face grew into a full-fledged grin.
"Who is it for?"
Natsuki choked.
"I knew it!" Mai cried triumphantly.
"Come now Natsuki, who is it that has you wanting to learn to bake a cake on December 23rd?"
"N...no," Natsuki stammered, "it isn't like that!"
Mai shot her a knowing look.
"Natsuki, Christmas cakes are generally shared between couples."
Natsuki sighed and closed her eyes.
"Alright, alright" Mai murmured finally, sensing her friend's discomfort, "what sort of cake did you want to make?"
A small smile of gratitude let her know that Natsuki appreciated the change of subject.
"I don't know. I don't really know anything about Christmas cakes."
Mai's eyes lit up.
"Well," she began excitedly as she moved to her refrigerator, "there is this great recipe I've been wanting to try out."
"Do you think it will be alright," Natsuki asked.
"What, oh, the cake. Of course it will. I walked you through every single step. It will be fine. Why are you so worried about it?"
Natsuki shifted.
"I'm not worried about it. I just don't want my first experience to be a failure."
Mai stared at her, disbelieving.
"What," Natsuki barked.
"You've asked me four different times now if I think that cake will come out alright."
Natsuki frowned.
"It was not four times."
Snickering, Mai recounted each incarnation of the question for Natsuki who flushed a deeper shade of red with each retelling.
"Well...it...I..." the green-eyed girl fumed while her friend just giggled.
"Natsuki, really, you don't have to tell me who it's for. But come now, it is for someone isn't it?"
The raven-haired girl turned from Mai, her shoulders slumping.
"I just...I wanted to give..." But she couldn't bring herself to say it.
A warm hand was on her shoulder.
"I didn't know the kaichou was in town."
Natsuki's sharp breath confirmed Mai's suspicions and as her friend turned to meet her gaze, she smiled warmly.
"Shizuru-san will love the cake."
"Mai, I..." But the redhead cut her off.
"She always cared a great deal for you. It was obvious you were very important to her."
There was a pause and Mai fixed Natsuki with a gaze that spoke of silent understanding.
"You care for her a great deal as well ne?"
Natsuki flushed again, dropping her eyes.
"I...yeah."
Mai pulled her into a hug.
"She'll love the cake Natsuki. She'll love it."
"Yes otou-san, of course I will be home for the New Year. I just stopped off in Fuuka to see some old friends."
Shizuru had been on the phone with her father for the better part of an hour now. He'd asked about her classes, about her student council duties, about her friends, and now, for the third time, whether she would be home for the New Year.
"I just want to make sure. You know how your okaa-san gets about these things."
Shizuru laughed.
"Of course otou-san. I certainly would not want to get you into any trouble with okaa-san. You make enough of that for yourself."
At this statement, they both laughed.
"That is too true Shi-chan. So, how are you finding Fuuka?"
"Well. I have been fortunate enough to speak with several friends from the academy, including some members of the student council."
"Indeed. And what about the other?"
There was a pause.
"I did see her."
"And?"
Another pause.
"She appears to be doing well."
An exasperated sigh came across the line.
"Shi-chan…"
Shizuru allowed the silence to continue a moment.
"Yes otou-san?"
"You know quite well what I'm asking you young lady?"
Yet another pause.
"It is the same otou-san."
"Silly child," her father chided, clucking his tongue. "Honestly I don't know what to do with either of you."
"It is not as if I expected things to change otou-san," Shizuru murmured.
"That did not stop you from going to Fuuka to see her."
Shizuru sighed.
"No, no it did not."
Her father was silent a moment.
"Oh Shi-chan, you know I only want your happiness."
A sad smile formed on Shizuru's lips.
"I know."
"Are you sure her feelings haven't changed?"
Thinking back to last nights conversation, Shizuru replied, "She assumed I would be seeing someone at university."
"Ah. I assume you told her you were not?"
"I did."
"And, what was her response?"
The crimson-eyed girl smiled at the memory.
"She was shocked actually. She said she thought that someone as beautiful as me would have numerous offers to consider."
Her father laughed at this.
"Well at least she's a bright girl. But, Shi-chan, she said you were beautiful?"
Shizuru could hear the smile in his voice.
"Yes, yes she did."
"Interesting," her father continued "and did you ask her about that?"
"I did."
"And?"
"When I asked her if she meant it, she blushed and stammered that of course she meant it as she had said it."
When her father spoke again, Shizuru could practically see the grin on his face.
"Indeed. And what do you make of this?"
The flaxen-haired girl shook her head.
"Otou-san, it is Natsuki. I seldom know what to make of things like that."
Her father sighed.
"It has been hard for you, I know. I don't want you to be hurt again Shi-chan but…"
Shizuru knew what he was going to say.
"I know, but Natsuki knows of my feelings."
"Does she," her father questioned, "does she still?"
"Otou-san…"
"I know, I know. This old man just wants to see his only daughter happy for a change. Truly happy, Shizuru."
Crimson eyes were bright with unshed tears.
"Ookini otou-san."
"Just think it over Shi-chan. Only you know what she is worth."
"I will."
"Good girl. We'll see you at New Year's then?"
"Of course otou-san."
She was about to hang up when her father spoke again.
"And, if you wanted to bring anyone along, you know we would be happy to…"
"Good night otou-san," Shizuru said with exaggerated frustration.
When she hung up, she was smiling.
Natsuki had been practicing what she wanted to say for the past fifteen minutes. She'd crossed off things like "So Shizuru, do you wanna get together tomorrow evening," and "Hey so would you like to meet up tomorrow?" In fact, she had yet to come up with anything that pleased her. Finally she decided she would just bite the bullet and call her. Once she had her on the line she was sure the words would come.
One ring, two, three, four...
"Shit, of course it's going to voicemail."
"Moshimoshi. Fujino speaking."
Natsuki nearly dropped her phone.
"Goddamnit!"
Shizuru could hear fumbling and more muffled swearing.
"Gah! Gomen ne," Natsuki mumbled across the line, "I dropped my phone."
Warm laughter graced her ear and the scowl that had started to form deepened.
"Sure, sure laugh it up. And here I was calling to invite you over for Christmas Eve tomorrow."
The laughter trailed off.
"Ara, did Natsuki say she was calling to invite me over for Christmas Eve?"
There was a pause as Natsuki realized what she had just blurted out.
"Oh...well...uh...yeah. That's why I was calling."
She could hear the teasing smile on Shizuru's face when she replied.
"Natsuki wishes to spend Christmas Eve with me? Natsuki is aware of who Christmas Eve is generally reserved for is she not?"
The emerald-eyed girl could feel her face heating up but she pushed on anyway.
"Yes."
Crimson eyes widened.
"Is Natsuki asking me on a date?"
There was a choking sound across the line and Shizuru smiled.
"I'm asking you to spend Christmas Eve with me. Is that enough?"
Her voice was shaking and Shizuru knew better than to tease any longer.
"Of course Natsuki. Any time I get with you is precious, whatever the reason."
Natsuki released a breath she did not realize she had been holding.
"Okay."
She ran a hand through her raven locks.
"So...is seven ok for you?"
"Yes, seven will be good. Should I come over or..."
Natsuki cut her off.
"I'll pick you up. At seven. I'll pick you up at seven...if that's ok?"
Shizuru giggled.
"That will be fine. Should I wear anything particular?"
"What?"
"Well, I do not know Natsuki's plans and want to dress appropriately."
"Oh. Uh, no need for anything dressy. Just wear something comfortable."
"Very well Natsuki. I will see you tomorrow at seven then?"
"Yep," came the happy response. "I'll be there with bells on."
Another giggle.
"Well then I will listen out for Natsuki's arrival."
"Wha...oh." The blush was creeping up her neck again. "Not literally with bells on, you!"
Warm laughter filled her ears and Natsuki could not help but smile.
"Just be ready at seven okay? And wear something you can ride the Ducati in."
"Ara, I will certainly keep that in mind. Natsuki will help to keep me warm yes as it will be quite the cold ride?"
Natsuki's spluttering was all the response she needed.
"I will see you tomorrow Natsuki."
Her raven-haired friend had managed to collect herself enough to reply in kind.
"Yeah, tomorrow at seven."
As she was about to end the call, Shizuru's voice stopped her.
"Oh and Natsuki?"
"Hmmm?"
"Thank you."
When they hung up, they were both smiling.
Natsuki was there at 6:45. In truth she had arrived at 6:30 but could not bear to appear so overly anxious. If she was being honest with herself (which she rarely was) she had actually been driving around for half an hour before that. She did not know what she was doing. All she knew was that this could be the last time she got to see Shizuru and that bothered her very much, though she was unsure why.
Shizuru had been surprised to open the door and find Natsuki there fifteen minutes early.
"Ara."
Crimson eyes had searched her for a moment.
"This must truly be a special evening if Natsuki is arriving early."
Natsuki had scuffed the step with her boot and huffed.
"Baka. I just finished everything up a bit earlier than I had expected so I figured I might as well just come get you."
Shizuru smiled knowingly.
"If Natsuki says so."
"I do damnit. Are you rea..."
It was only then that Natsuki actually took in Shizuru's appearance and the sight left her speechless. It had been rare enough to see her friend in anything other than the kaichou uniform when they were in school. Occasionally she had seen her in kimono or yukata, and a few times she had seen her in more casual dress. Tonight though, she was wearing a lilac slip dress and her hair was done up in a loose knot with wisps of flaxen drifting down around her face. She looked stunning.
It was only when she felt a finger against the underside of her jaw that she remembered herself. Shizuru was grinning at her, crimson eyes glinting.
"It take it Natsuki approves?"
Even in the dim light from the street, Shizuru could see the blush on her friends face.
"I...you look...really nice," Natsuki finally stammered.
"Ookini Natsuki. It is kind of you to say."
And she winked at her.
The emerald-eyed girl shook her head.
"So, are you ready then?"
"Just let me grab my coat."
"You...baked?"
There was uncertainty in Shizuru's voice and Natsuki did not know whether to be offended or proud.
"I did. Well...Mai helped out a bit."
A smile curled Shizuru's lips at this.
"You asked Mai-san to help you bake a cake...for me?"
Natsuki looked down at her plate.
"Yeah," came the whispered response.
"Why?"
The silence stretched on with Natsuki continuing to stare at her plate.
"Natsuki?"
"I've missed you," the raven-haired girl rushed out. "So much. I never realized, until you weren't there, how big a part of my life you'd become. So when you came back...I...I wanted you to know."
Shizuru's eyes were wet. She cupped Natsuki's chin in her hand, lifting her head.
"I have missed my Natsuki too. Very much."
They sat like that for a long while, just looking at each other. Then Shizuru began to laugh, and soon, Natsuki followed suit.
"It has been too long," Shizuru murmured, picking up her cake.
"It has," Natsuki agreed.
"This is very good Natsuki."
The girl before her blushed and ran a hand through her hair.
"Eh, it's just a cake."
However, she found that Shizuru had fixed her with serious crimson eyes.
"It is not. Natsuki made this cake for us to share on Christmas Eve. It means a great deal to me."
Natsuki swallowed.
"Well, I'm glad you like it."
"I do Natsuki."
They ate the rest of the cake in silence. Natsuki was a bit surprised to discover that it was indeed good. Afterward, she took their plates to the kitchen to wash up.
"I'll be just a minute. Feel free to look around if you'd like."
Shizuru nodded and Natsuki made her way out of the room.
A few minutes later she returned to find Shizuru sitting by the window staring up at the sky. A light snow had started to fall and it looked very pretty against the darkening sky. But Natsuki was too distracted by the sight of her friend to notice. Looking at her in the moonlight, she realized she had never seen anyone so beautiful. Thinking back, she realized that she had always thought this but never given it voice. For the first time in her life, this did not scare her. She did not feel the urge to run away from it. Instead, she felt a warmth and a tightness in her chest, one she recognized from times past. It had always been there when Shizuru was around.
Until just now though, she had not understood it. She had always thought it was something bad, something to be feared. She did not connect with people. She did not feel. Feeling just led to heartache and she had certainly had her fill of that. But faced with the reality of losing Shizuru, she now understood that she could not afford to run from her feelings. The stakes were too high and, for once, she did not feel like playing.
She crossed the room and knelt in front of Shizuru, startling the girl from her thoughts.
"Natsuki," Shizuru asked, her eyes full of concern.
But then Natsuki was leaning in and stopping the question with her lips. It was the softest of touches, gentle but full of promise. When she pulled away, she was smiling.
"I love you. I think I always have. I was just too stupid and scared to let myself feel it before. But...I love you. Just, tell me that I haven't taken too lo..."
She never got to finish her question, but Shizuru's lips against hers told her everything she needed to know.
"Merry Christmas Shizuru," Natsuki murmured against soft skin.
She felt the smile against her cheek, could not help but return it.
"Merry Christmas, my Natsuki."
-fin-