As Her Eyes Closed
ONESHOT
~BALLofSONSHINE~ (And don't you forget it! *grins*)
I don't own SWAC, never have, never will.
...
...
Sonny Munroe is not a murderer... I tell myself that a lot, yet I still doubt myself. I still doubt everyone and how they kept saying it wasn't my fault and how I couldn't have helped her. That wasn't the point. I could've helped her. I wanted to help her. But now I can't help her, because I let her slip away from me.
Every night I still sit there, by the window, and wish for shooting stars. I wish for wishes.
Only if I had one last wish, I'd give that wish to her, because she's the most important person in my life. Or was. If I had that wish I'd wish her back to me, so she could experience all the things she won't be able to.
If she was here she could have dreams, she could wish and hope, she could have fun and play with friends, dance in the rain, have her first love, her first kiss, her first sore, her first broken bone, her first fight. She could also experience money, she could have a life in the real world, she could buy things she will never need but because she's a girl she wants anyway. She'll never get married, she'll never have kids, I'll never have met those kids, I'll never meet her one true love, and I'll never get to hold her in my arms again.
All these things, little or big, are things that one more soul will never get to do.
The door rattled, which caused me to jump. A low voice called out my name.
"Sonny?"
I looked up through my glassy tears and sniffed softly, "In here."
His footsteps got louder and he peeked into the room. He didn't say a word but he came in and sat next to me.
"Before you say anything about how it wasn't my fault, I want to tell you something," I said as he opened his mouth to say something. He nodded and waited for me to continue. "You have no idea what I felt, what it was like being the responsible one. I had to be the one to give the final yes and end her life. You can't possibly understand how terrible it was for me-"
"I know, I know, I was a wuss. You can call me names, but I couldn't be the one to end her life. I loved her too much, almost as much as I love you," that made the corners of my mouth turn.
My smile faded quickly, "And then I had to be the one. I felt like a murderer! A heartless, coldblooded creep! I murdered Elsa," I cried, pointing my finger at my chest.
"You are most definitely not a murderer!" He raised his voice, "You're anything but a murderer," he told me.
"I feel like one," I muttered.
"Well you're not," he said, taking my hands in his. "You just gave the doctor's permission to-"
"End her life before she even started it properly!" I cut in angrily.
Chad dropped my hands, "You should be grateful, you should be happy to have a girl like her. She was bubbly, she was amazing, and she was just like you. You should've been grateful that the three years of her life got spent with you."
"I don't feel grateful," I cried, wiping the tears that were falling from my eyes.
"Everyone has to die someday," he told me with a shrug.
"Do you even care?" I yelled, standing up off the bed and towering him. He stood up too, looking down at me now.
"Do I even care? What kind of a question is that? I loved Elsa, I loved her to bits. Because she had your personality and no one could take that from me. Even though she's gone, I still have you!" He tried to sooth me as he grabbed me into a hug.
"I don't need your sympathy, I hate you, and you did this to her, you and your stupid manliness! You didn't even have to guts to tell the doctor it was okay to pull the plug! You should be ashamed to be a man! You're a sissy, not a man, I hate you," I cried, hitting him in the chest. "I hate you," I hit him again, falling down onto my knees in tears.
Chad slid down next to me and hugged me tight to his chest, "I know you don't mean any of that. I know you're just angry and upset. You just have to calm down," he insisted, whispering softly into my ear.
"I hate y-you," I stuttered, leaning my head on his shoulder as I cried.
"Sure you do," he whispered into my ear.
"She was my baby girl, my little princess," I cried, "I'll never get to hold her in my arms again."
"She'll still be with you," Chad soothed, rocking me back and forth in his strong arms. "In your heart. Just keep her there and she'll always be with you."
"But she'll never be actually with me, and I'll miss that the most."
Chad moved his hands around my neck, unhooking my locket that was around it. The same locket he gave to me when we were young. (A/N: That was in Chad VS the Wilderness) He opened the locket and pushed it to me.
I smiled, starting to cry again. There in the locket was a picture of Chad, me and little Elsa when she was two. When things were great.
I gently moved my fingertips across the picture inside it, imagining I was touching her little angelic face once more. Imagining I was holding her little hands again. Imagining I was kissing her tiny head for the last time.
This locket held the memory of Elsa Cooper.
November 23rd 2013- April 16th 2017
Aged 3 years and 4 months.
Chad stared into my emotionless eyes and frowned, like he was trying to read my thoughts or something. My thoughts could be easily guessed, I was only thinking about my daughter.
...
"Mummy?" Elsa's voice rang through my ears and my head pricked up quickly. I turned to my three-year-old daughter and smiled softly.
"Yes, hun?"
"How do you know if crayons are bad for eating or not?" She asked, her curious side taking over.
"You mean poisonous?" I asked her, putting the dishes aside and sitting down at the table to rest.
"Uh, yeah!" She exclaimed, "Pos-on-ess!"
I laughed at her and she kept on colouring like she didn't realise what she had said.
"Well?" She questioned me.
I looked at her little porcelain face, full of curiosity. "Sorry? What?"
"How do you know if it is pos-on-ess or not?"
"Well, you can read the back of the crayon box I guess... it might say something about it" I answered with a shrug, "But don't eat them because you're curious."
"I won't mummy," she promised, continuing with her drawing once more.
5 mins later
"MUMMY!"
I heard her cry from the lounge room. I cloth I had in my hands and ran into the room to find my daughter sitting on the floor with purple around her mouth and her hand on her stomach.
"I don't feel nice," she cried, holding her stomach in pain.
I grabbed the crayon box and turned it over. 'This product is non-toxic and is suitable for children over the age of 2.'
I let out a huge sigh of relief and picked Elsa up in my arms.
"What did I tell you about eating the crayons?" I scolded her softly as I put her on the dining table.
She looked nervously at her hands, "You said not to," she answered in a near mumble.
"So why did you?" I asked her as I wiped her mouth clean.
"They were calling me names!" She whined as she threw her arms across her chest and frowned down at the floor.
"The crayons were calling you names?"
"Just the purple one," she mumbled.
"So you ate it?"
She nodded and walked away, a skip in her step.
"So if the green calls you a name will you eat it?" I called after her.
"No, the green said I was pretty!" She smiled and clapped her hands as she sat back down with her drawings.
"Ah, to be three years old again," I sighed, going back into the kitchen and continuing with the cleaning.
A couple of minutes later she called me back in the room. I came in and she nervously smiled, showing green teeth and green lips.
"You ate the green one?" I asked in an unimpressed way.
"She dared me to," she whined.
"She?"
Elsa nodded and packed up the crayons, handing them to me, "Take them," she ordered, "Before the others call me names and I have to eat them."
"You frighten me," I told her as I put the crayons up out of her reach.
"That's what the blue said, but I did not want to eat that one," she said with a smile, "You said you loved blue, you said it was cause of daddy's eyes."
I laughed out loud, "I do love his eyes."
She giggled and reached up for me. I bent down and picked her up in my arms, "Mummy, will I die?"
"Not from crayons, sweetheart," I answered her.
...
Elsa Louise Cooper.
...
"Will you ever have another baby mummy?" Elsa asked me as she threw the ball into the air again.
"If he or she will be as sweet as you, definitely," I answered her, keeping one eye on her and one eye on my magazine.
It was a very nice day, the sun was warm and the sky was blue and I promised to take Elsa to the beach, but the car wouldn't start and Chad wasn't home so we decided to have a beach day at home.
"Will you name her Elsa the second?" She asked me with a grin on her little face.
I let out a chuckle, "No, that's being a copy cat," I told her.
"Copy cat?"
"It's copying your name," I changed it to and she shrugged.
"I don't mind. That means there will be another me!"
"How do you know the baby will be a girl?" I asked.
"I know she will be. Boys are dumb!"
"Daddy's dumb?" I asked her with a laugh.
"No, he's daddy! Not a boy!"
I let out another laugh and Elsa stood there expressionless.
Elsa picked up the ball again and threw it at me, "Name her Elsa the second!" She demanded.
"Never!" I chuckled.
"If not I will have to chase you!" She threatened.
"Bring it on."
She picked up her feet and chased me all around the yard, her giggles filling the street.
...
"Whatcha thinking about?" Chad asked me as he kissed my forehead. He had me in his arms tightly and told me he wouldn't let go until I was happy again. Good luck Chad.
"Elsa," I whispered.
"Me too."
There was an uncomfortable silence.
"I'm a-"
He cut me off, "If you say murderer I swear I will-"
"You will what?" I asked, cutting him off suddenly like he did.
"I just don't want to see you hurt, Sonny. You're saying you're a murderer, when you're not. You think you are... which is making you angry at me, which makes no sense."
"I'm angry at you because-"
You're not," he cut me off, "You're just upset."
Then I burst out into tears.
"Of course I am! She's dead!"
"It wasn't you!"
"It was me! It was me! It was all me! Who was driving the car that day? Me!" I cried out in his arms.
...
"Mummy, mummy! Look at what I can do!" Elsa called out to me as she danced around next to me.
"That's amazing Elsa, just stay near me and away from the cars," I instructed her, grabbing her hand and putting it on the trolley.
We were in the parking lot and I was packing the groceries into my car. We had just done a huge shop, which was almost impossible with Elsa dancing around and showing off in the aisles. She was very energetic today.
I put Elsa in the car and buckled her in her seat.
"Are we going home?" She asked me as I got in the driver's seat.
"Yes," I answered quickly.
"Whyyyyyyyyy?" She whined, dragging out the Y, a lot.
"We have to put the shopping away," I told her with no enthusiasm.
"Then can we do something fun?" She asked me as she jumped up and down in her seat.
I started the car and reversed out of the parking spot.
"Like what?"
"Dancing!" She answered with a smile. This was because I had enrolled her in dance classes down the road from our house and she seemed to love it so much that she wouldn't shut up about it.
"No, not today."
"Can we go to the park?"
"It's not a nice day for the park."
"Can walk the dog?"
"We don't have a dog."
She looked out the window at a pedestrian walking their dog and pointed, "Can we walk their dog?"
"That's their dog, Elsa, not ours," I answered her and she sat forward in the seat to try and see my face.
"Can we get a dog?"
"Daddy doesn't like dogs," I informed her and she frowned.
"We can keep it a secret!" She said, her frown gone and a smile on her face.
"No," I said firmly.
"Can I have a game with a dog in it?"
She likes dogs, obviously.
"How about when you're older, I'll buy you a dog, any kind you want. But only when you're older," I said to her and she clapped her hands. I told her that so she would forget it later in life.
Chad is not a dog person, he hates them, a lot.
"That one!" She pointed out the window and I quickly sneaked a look before looking back straight on the road.
"A border collie?" I asked her.
"Uh... yeah!"
I laughed, "Okay."
"I will name her Yarralina!"
"Why?"
"I don't know," she said, kicking her legs out in front.
I sped up as the light changed to green. We were driving for a while when out of the corner of my eye a car came. It sped up real fast and blind sighted me. I jerked the car to the left and heard Elsa scream from the back—
The screaming stopped as the car did, my head was thrown back into the seat. I waited for Elsa to reply but there was nothing.
"Elsa?"
There was no reply.
"Elsa!"
I looked in the back seat at my little girl. She had scratches on her face and arms, I couldn't tell if she was okay but her eyes were open and she was still breathing.
"Elsa, are you okay?"
She didn't answer; she just stared forward, blinking a few times.
"Baby, are you okay? Answer me!"
As her eyes closed I wished for the best.
As her eyes closed I held my breath, hoping she was just resting them.
As her eyes closed, I started to cry, knowing that surely enough, this won't end well.
...
He rocked me back and forth, telling me it would be okay. But it won't be okay, I know it won't. Without my baby girl in my arms I just feel wrong.
"It was the truck!" He told me in a soothing voice.
"The massive truck that could be seen a mile away yet I didn't?"
"He was speeding, he came at you!"
"And Elsa didn't survive, yet I did!" I whined, crying into his chest.
"I'm so glad you did though! Else might not have survived but what if you were the one who didn't? I could never take on a baby alone! Also I'd miss you terribly I'd probably get rid of her and kill myself just to be with you! Be glad she's safe! If she was with me and you weren't... well she may as well have been dead in the first place!"
That caused me do to one of three things, (which was also in this order)
1. Smile like a ridiculous fool.
2. Cry.
3. Hit Chad in the chest, hard.
"I hate you," I yelled into his chest again.
"I love you too," he responded quietly.
"You love Elsa too, I know you do..." he said, rocking me in his arms still. He paused, "Just, let go of her."
He didn't say another word; he just rocked me in his arms. I didn't say anything either, I was letting go of Elsa. Not her memories... but letting go of the idea of myself being her murderer. Elsa would still be with me, I just wanted to make Chad happy. I felt her soul leaving me, which made me sad, but I know that it was the best thing to do.
Chad and I sat there for the rest of the night.
...
"Okay, you have to give this tray to daddy? Got it? That's all you have to do," I instructed Elsa, her smile grew and she nodded. "Oh, and say happy father's day, okay?"
"Yup," she mumbled.
I handed her the tray, we were giving Chad breakfast in bed because it was father's day.
We walked into the room Chad stirred, "Happy father's day, daddy!" She said rather loudly.
Chad opened his eyes and laughed, "Aw, Elsa, thank you," he said as he sat up in bed. Elsa handed him the tray.
"This is a lovely wake up call," he said as he kiss Elsa's forehead.
"I made you a card!" Elsa exclaimed as she pulled out a card with sparkles, sequins and in crayon had 'Daddy' across the top.
"I love it!" Chad said with a laugh.
He grabbed my hand and kissed it.
"I love you girls, you're my favourite girls in the whole wide world," he said, directing it to Elsa.
She gasped and clapped her hands, "Did you hear that mummy? We are his favourite girls! Did you hear it?" She was smiling widely and jumping up and down.
"Yeah I heard it," I said.
I picked Elsa up and put her on the bed. She crawled to Chad and grabbed him around the neck in a hug.
"I love you daddy," she whispered in his ear.
"I love you too Elsa."
She shuffled back a bit and Chad smiled up at me.
"I love you Sonny," he said.
"I love you Chad," I leant in and kissed him softly on the lips.
...
"Chad," I said, catching his attention.
"Yeah Sonny?"
"I..." I stopped and laid my head on his chest, "I love you."
"I love you too."
"Do you miss Elsa?"
He looked me in the eye and frowned, "Of course I do. I just cope."
"Can you teach me to cope?"
Chad chuckled and tilted his head down to mine and pressed his lips softly to mine. I then wrapped my arms around his neck as he held me in the same position he had been holding me for all night.
We pulled apart and I started crying.
As her eyes closed that last day, I realised one thing...
She was alone. Alone in another world.
She also has my heart.
...
"Elsa," I said, looking up at the night's sky. "I love you, with all my heart, with all my soul. I miss you, I miss you a lot. I will always be your mother, and we will meet again. In the afterlife. You're my precious little angel, and I will be there for you. You'll just have to wait and see."
I looked down and my tears fell from my cheeks, "I really, really love you."
"Tell me what heavens like," I said to the sky. "Tell me if it's good or not. I promise to meet up with you again, soon enough. I love you sweetheart."
With that, I walked off.
I love you Elsa, forever and always...
xXxXxXxXx
...
The end! I really don't know what to say here... uh, review! I hope you like it. Review and tell me, everything. No, not really. Review though; I want to hear what you think of this new one shot. I love you guys out there!