He Stood In The Rain Alone
Naruto Fanfic
Pairing: None
Characters: Kakashi, Sakumo
Rating: PG-13 for angst
Warnings: Angst. Angst! Description of death and suicide.
He stood in the rain alone.
Fighting the cold biting at his nose and fingers, setting into his bones and making his muscles ache with suppressed tremors.
Only training kept him still, rooted to the spot.
Mostly because there was no where to go. No one to be with. His team wouldn't want him. They never did. No one did. If there had been someone they would have come.
Wouldn't they?
But Sakumo didn't have any friends left in the end.
If there were friends somewhere in the world, they would have been here to say goodbye.
They would have come long ago, when it all began. Defended his father. Supported him. Stopped him from taking his own life. But they hadn't been there then and today, in the end, no one came.
But he had.
Because he failed. As a son and as a shinobi. What decent shinobi would sleep through a suicide? Through the smell of blood and death. In their own home.
Kakashi was sure he had wished for it. Subconsciously. Maybe even screamed it at him that night. He couldn't remember his exact words now, but deep inside he knew....this was his fault.
So he deserved to stand here alone with his fathers grave in the rain.
Even if a very small part of him, probably the seven year old part, wanted...needed...something warm.
He clamped down on that train of thought and simply stared at the mound of dirt, soaking up the rain, covering the one and only person he'd trusted. Respected. Loved. In the end, there hadn't been any of those emotions. He'd been angry. Ignored. Left behind.
Forgotten.
Sakumo had forgotten him. Drowned in his own pain and despair. His humiliation. Because he had failed. Failed his team, his mission, his village.
And everyone knew it. Said it. Cursed it. Cursed him. And then Kakashi had cursed the man, the White Fang, his father. Screamed at him, words he never would have thought to use with anyone. Ever.
Hurtful, angry words.
If he'd known they would be his last. If he'd looked deeper. Searched the eyes so much like his own. Seen what was hidden beneath. He would have known. Would have stayed. Apologized. Begged. Anything to keep his father with him.
Only now could he see it. In his memory. The look Sakumo gave him as he turned away for the last time. So full of himself and his anger he became blind.
And he knows. Because he can remember it so clearly now. His subconscious knew what would happen. Accepted it. Decided it was for the best. Let it happen. He knows because he can see the logic in his fathers death.
Sakumo had gone against the rules. Chosen his team over the mission. Cost more lives than he saved. Lost his reputation, his honor, his respect, his purpose. Death was all he had left.
But what about me?
You had me.
Wasn't I enough?
Kakashi peered through the rain at the seven year old across from him. Arm covering his face, shaking with quiet sobs. That very small part of himself, who needed his father and something warm, with silver hair and his fathers eyes.
The White Fang was dead. The seven year old would have to die as well.
He wasn't enough.
He knew that now.
He understood.
To be worth anything in this life he would need to train. Leave behind all that he had known or believed. Become better than the man beneath the muddy mound. Make them all forget his name and face.
Very slowly, eyes still locked onto that boy, he lifted his numb fingers and tugged the mask over mouth and nose then turned and walked away, leaving the boy behind. Alone. In the rain and the mud to cry away the pain Kakashi could no longer allow himself to feel.
He realized in that moment, his back to the past, to the very small part of himself fading behind the thick veil of rain, that he'd taken his second life. Killed another part of himself.
And he felt.....
Infinitely empty and far colder than any storm.