It's been almost a year since Augustus died, and you're probably as surprised as I am when I say I'm still alive. I don't understand how, because my life is gone. My life ended almost a year ago on the day Augustus Waters passed on.
I still breathe. Every shitty breath I take gets me closer to seeing him again. So I breathe, and breathe but I'm still here. It seems to be impossible for me to pass away onto oblivion. I can't fathom why everything feels so much heavier now. The weight, of a simple human emotion weighs me down more than the tank ever did.
Every goddamn second I spend thinking about death, I get weaker. How weak do I need to get before I can die? My mom cries nearly every day now. I think she knows. She knows I want to die. She knows that no matter what happens here, there is someone waiting for me. My rollercoaster keeps going up and it refuses to stop at the top.
Isaac comes over some times. We usually don't talk, we just sit in silence. I always wonder if he's thinking about Augustus too, or if he's thinking of Monica. I've never asked him. Which is funny in a way, I spend hours with him and I haven't ever bothered to ask him if he's okay.
Everything has returned back to the way it was before I met Augustus. I spend my days laying in bed, waiting to die. I don't go to support group anymore. I don't think I could go without Augustus.
The way this is sounding makes it sound like I'm one of those girls who depends on her boyfriend and can't do anything without him. The mopey girls that I can't stand. But it's different than that. Living without him was never something I thought would happen, which is a ridiculous thing to admit. He had cancer, we were both side effects. I just always thought it would be me. I thought he would have to say good bye to me, and I think he thought that too.
So when he told me about his body lighting up like a Christmas tree, I couldn't believe him. If the most alive person I've ever met was dying how the hell was I alive? Mors importantly, if he's dead now, how the hell am I still alive?
I think about Peter a lot too. I think about if he ever did end up getting sober, but somehow I don't think he did. Which is sad, I guess. Then again, some people would say my life was sad, but when I think back on my life I don't see it sad. I fell in love, and I was loved back. Even though it was short. It was a forever for us. A forever within the numbered days. I loved him. I love him. What more can you wish for?
After all, the world is not a wish granti-