All G.I. Joe and Cobra characters are the property of Hasbro and their liscencees, of course …. Another humorous look at Cobra and G.I Joe, based off of a random thought or two which I had several months ago. This will probably be another short – two or three part – piece, although I do now have a longer, on-going story idea which I may get running at some point ….
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Several members of the brain trust of the ruthless organization formerly known as a terrorist organization known as Cobra were gathered in a meeting room deep in Cobra Headquarters, milling about.
"He calls this leadership meeting, and where is he?" Firefly asked.
"Indeed," Destro gruffly agreed, barely looking up from the Wall Street Journal.
"Well, at least Mindbender is at that dentists' conference in Death Valley," the Baroness piped in..
"Yeah," several Cobras seconded.
"Who holds a conference in Death Valley?" Zarana asked.
"Gor!" Ripper exclaimed. "That sounds blimin' cool to me!"
"Yar!" Torch agreed.
"Question answered," Zartan remarked.
"Hey, Destro," Copperhead said. "See the sports section when you're done? Gotta check the line on the four o'clock games," he noted to Wild Weasel, who grunted knowingly.
" 'The – '" Destro repeated incredulously. "This is the Wall Street Journal!"
"What?" Copperhead asked angrily, rising out of his chair. "You don't think I'm smart enough to read the Wall Street whoopty freaking Journal?"
"Rrrrg," Destro grumbled, returning to his reading.
A smacking "pop" sounded.
"Hey, where'd Firefly go?" Zartan asked. The camouflage-masked saboteur was nowhere to be seen.
"Gor!" Torch exclaimed.
"Blimey!" Ripper agreed.
"Oh no … you don't think he and Zandar got into another of their 'disappearing' contests, do you?" Zarana asked.
"Not necessarily," Destro replied, as another "pop" went off. "He may have just gone out for snack food. 'Never been seen entering or exiting a target site' bit, you know."
"Ammm … actually, it might be preferable if he and Zandar are playing 'hide and hide'," the Baroness observed.
Another "pop" sounded. Destro dropped his paper. "No, my dear Baroness, perhaps an explosive device WOULD be optimal – if it would stop that infernal 'popping'!"
Xamot and Tomax looked up. Tomax had popped gum on his face, while Xamot had a bubble still going.
"What?" Xamot managed to ask.
"It's Doublemint," Tomax said. "Double your pleasure …"
Pop! "Double your fun!" the now-bubble-free Xamot concluded with a defiant grin.
"I'll double the holes in your craniums –" Destro declared, rising from his chair while reaching for his pistol.
Suddenly, a deep voice out in the hall said … something. The only word everyone in the room clearly discerned was "babies".
"Huh!" the Baroness breathed. "Barry White!"
"No!" Zarana said, rising in her chair. "Really?"
"That would be …" Xamot began.
"…Exciting!" Tomax finished.
The gathered Cobras gazed expectantly at the door. Destro even lowered his newspaper.
The figure entering appeared to be … Cobra Commander. But … it certainly didn't sound like him.
"I SAID, 'Stop bickering like tiny babies!'" Cobra Commander said … in a low, rumbley voice.
"But … what?" Destro said, in one of his less-eloquent moments.
"Cobra … Commander?" the Baroness asked.
"Yes," the Commander replied, again in the same, new, voice.
"You sound … different," Zartan said.
"Yar!" Ripper agreed.
"Indeed!" the Cobra leader declared. "I decided to have voice-modification technology added to the equipment of my helmet. Adding an even more commanding tone to my speech will intimidate the enemy, while arousing even more ready obedience from my underlings!"
"Is THIS why we're here?" Destro muttered.
"For a time, I considered going with more of a 'Darth Vader'," Cobra Commander continued, "…until I realized that we already have a prominent Cobra ripping off his voice!" Several gazes turned to Destro.
"What?" he cried incredulously. "I … do not …. It's a Scottish accent!" he protested. "Ach!" he tried to add, unconvincingly.
"At any rate," the deep-toned Cobra Commander continued, "with my new voice of terror, the world shall fall even more quickly before Cobra!"
"Oh, sure," Firefly remarked, suddenly back. "Barry White is much more intimidating."
"Who?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Say 'babies' again!" the Baroness said.
"What?" Cobra Commander queried.
"Or 'baby.'"
"Say 'don't know why,'" Zarana added.
"What?" the Commander deep-voiced again. "I don't know why – "
"Ooo!" the Baroness cooed.
"Have you ever thought about a singing career, Cobra Commander?" Zarana asked, taking a step towards the leader.
"Is Barry White in here?" asked an excited female Trooper, sticking her head in the doorway.
"Gar!" Torch exclaimed.
"Erm – remain on alert!" Cobra Commander commanded. "Soon shall come the opportunity to test my new voice in battlefield conditions! Co…bra!" The slightly perplexed leader left the room, followed down the hallway by Zarana, the Baroness, and a growing group of Cobra operatives.
"It's gotta be the voice," Wild Weasel said. "Chicks dig the deep voice." Copperhead grunted agreement.
"The helmet-augmented voice," Xamot observed. Once again, several pairs of eyes turned towards Destro.
"What?" Destro asked. "My voice is natural!"
"I wondered why he wears the helmet all the time," Firefly quietly remarked to Zartan.
"I – I don't have to take this!" Destro exclaimed. He picked up his paper. "Baroness? …Baroness?" he called as he walked out the door.
"Oy," Major Bludd said.
"Yarrr," Torch nodded sagely.