No Sense of Humor

Pairing: Severus Snape/Lots

Rating: T

Genre: Humor/Romance

Summary: Severus Snape developed a potion that transforms the user into a more handsome and more charismatic version of themselves. It works just the way he wanted. Well, sort of. There was one little side effect…

Posted: 17 December 2007 by Sophia Bleistift

Disclaimer- I love this story. So much. That's all I can really say right now. I know you'll love it too.

24 December 2007: READ THIS. Thank you for your attention. This story has received shocked and angry reviews because the writers seem to believe that this is all to make fun of Severus. That is not the case. I will be updating soon, and you'll see what I mean. Remember that this is only the prologue. Thank you.

29 January 2008: I changed the title of this from "Prologue: Bloody Vagina" to "Chapter 1: Bloody Vagina" and shifted all the other chapters up one, just so it would fit fanfiction's system and confuse me less. So don't be confused by the last announcement.

Chapter 1: Bloody Vagina!

"Albus!"

"Yes, Phineus?"

"I do not approve!"

"Oh, come now. It's high time the poor boy had some fun."

"You may play with your precious Gryffindors as much as you want, but leave my Slytherins alone!"

"I remember you used to have a sense of humor."

"I remember you used to be sane! This is ridiculous! This is criminal!"

"You don't give him enough credit; he's quite brilliant."

"Of course he is, he's one of my own! But what does that have to do with anything?"

"He'll discover the additives, eventually, and soon after which it will be easy for him to produce an antidote. With any luck, he will discover something about himself in the process."

Albus Dumbledore was not smiling. Though it took all of his self-control to resist the urge, he was most definitely not smiling.

Ok, so maybe he was.

"Will you bloody say something?" The girl's voice was deep and musical; even her cuss sounded sweet. "I came to you for answers; so far you've done nothing but stare."

Silence.

"Could you explain to me what happened, just one more time?"

The girl's black eyes widened with fury; with it her brow wrinkled so cutely it almost hurt to look at her. She closed her eyes and took a slow breath in, a slow breath out. "I was working on inventing a potion. It was similar to the polyjuice potion, except instead of transforming the victim-erm, the user-into a completely separate person, it simply made the user more attractive and charismatic."

"I see. Who were you trying to impress?"

"Something went wrong," she spat, determined to ignore Albus' saucy question, "and, as you can see, I… Well, look at me!"

"I think you are rather beautiful."

"I have bloody breasts!" she shrieked, grabbing the parts mentioned and waving them wildly at Albus. "I have a bloody vagina! That is a problem!"

"The consequences of adversary are based purely on one's belief system."

"What is that supposed to mean!"

"It means simply that it is your choice to make of this situation what you will. You may either choose to look at this as a completely negative incident..."

"Which it is! I need to turn myself back!"

"...or, you can view it as an opportunity to grow."

She rolled her eyes. "I need time off from school," she stated irritably, rubbing the bridge of her cute button nose-a gesture that her former self had use to fend off headaches. "I'll figure this out, but I need supplies, books, privacy."

"I'm sorry, Severus, but I simply cannot allow that."

"What?!"

"I cannot allow you to skip classes," Albus said calmly. "We cannot know how long this will last. You said earlier that you have been in your current state for-"

"Seven hours!" she hissed.

"-seven hours, and though Potions were never my expertise, I seem to recall that a regular polyjuice potion only lasts one hour."

"This one was supposed to as well," she moaned, miserable yet gorgeous. "When I perfected it, I was going to make one that would last longer, but so many things have gone wrong. It just doesn't add up, this shouldn't be happening."

"Which is why you can't skip class. Feel free to spend your time outside of classes working on an antidote, but until one is produced, I suggest you try to enjoy yourself."

"Enjoy myself!" she shrieked. "How am I supposed to enjoy myself! I'm a bloody girl!"

"I have been female in the past myself, and I never found it too terrible." Albus smiled mischievously. "I suggest you explore your new body. You'd be amazed by how soft women are. And squishy."

A look of repulsion plastered itself on her ivory face, but slowly it was replaced by curiosity.

"Squishy?"

"Squishy."

She blushed, and then glanced down. A new kind of light filled her eyes as she viewed her body. Rather then eyeing it with horror, she gazed across it with wonder.

"You may go now. And Severus..." Albus winked. "Have fun."