Title: Love Lives On.
Author: Ashley
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Rating: T
Ship: Morgan/Reid and JJ/Reid
Summary: Even with you gone, love lives on.
Warnings: Character death, and Mpreg. Slashy-ness
Authors note: Kinda sad. I'm trying to get jump on writing fics. I'm biting off more than I can chew again… Sorry… Please read and review.
"Pretty boy, you gonna be much longer in there?" I shifted my eyes from the pregnancy test in my hands to the door and back.
"Yeah I am actually, just go ahead to work without me." I dumped the used cup of urine, and threw it in the trash can with the dropper and packaging. "Hang on a second, I'm coming out before you leave."
"O… Kay…" I took a deep breath and pushed the door to the bathroom open with the test clutched in my hand. I held it out wordlessly to Derek and then dropped my hand.
"Does this say what I think it says?" He asked slowly after a few minutes, slowly raising his head to look at me. I swallowed convulsively before my face broke out in a wide smile and I nodded. "We're pregnant?" I nodded again and Derek scooped me up in a massive hug before spinning me around.
"Are you happy?" I asked once he set me down.
"Happy is an understatement baby boy, I'm fucking thrilled!" Derek pressed a scorching kiss to my lips. When we broke apart he looked down at his watch. "But Hotch will have my ass if I am late again, call Dr. Sullivan and make an appointment for today. Let me know as soon as you know anything." I nodded and kissed him again. "God, I love you Spencer." I smiled broadly and let my head rest against his chest for a moment, sighing happily as his lips brushed my hairline.
"I love you too Derek, now get to work. I'll see you tonight." Derek smiled before dropping to his knees and pressing a kiss to my bare stomach.
He climbed to his feet as I was laughing and headed for the front door. "Call me later, and be safe!" I called out to him.
The door shut and I could still here him laughing. It was the last time I ever spoke to him.
I reached for you this morning,
Woke up with empty arms.
Once again, it's sinking in
How far away you are.
I still pour two cups of coffee
And tell you all about my dreams.
This kitchens way too quiet,
You should still be here with me.
I yawned and stretched as I slowly woke up. I reached over to the left side of my bed while my eyes were still closed, only for my fingers to be met with cold sheets.
"Spencer, do you want me to fix you something to eat?" I winced violently at the sound of Fran Morgan's worried voice and everything came back to me in a rush. Finding out about the baby, JJ coming by the house after I got home and whisking me off in a panic without giving me any information, pulling up to a scene, a body laying on the ground with a bloodstained white sheet over it, the wedding band that rested on the left ring finger of the body, all the blood. The ring was the only thing with no blood on it. The hand didn't even look like it belonged to my husband. And the worst thing that came back was burying my husband a week prior.
"Spencer? Are you okay?" I shook my head as the sobs racked my body and Fran stepped into the bedroom.
"Oh baby, come here." She sat down on the edge of the bed and pulled me into her arms.
"I miss him so much," I sobbed into her shoulder as I slipped my arms awkwardly around her.
"I miss him too, baby." We sat like that for a little while longer before I finally composed myself and we made our way down to the kitchen.
Fran excused herself to go get dressed and left me alone in the kitchen. I mindlessly pulled down my coffee mug and then reached for Derek's. I was halfway through pouring his when I realized that he wouldn't be drinking it and I poured it down the drain and set the mug in the dishwasher.
"I had that dream again last night, you know? The one where I walked onto the jet and you were sitting there. Do you think you could do me a favor and change that shirt your wearing?" I heard a slight laugh behind me and whirled around to see Fran standing there in the doorway and I blushed. "I know it's stupid, but I feel better when I talk to him in the mornings. We always talked about our dreams, usually nightmares, in the mornings before we left for work." Until some little punk took him from me, I added silently.
"It's not stupid at all baby, I used to talk to Derek's daddy all the time. I still do sometimes, when I really need him. They can hear us baby, and if I know my son at all, and I do, he's always going to be listening to you." I smiled sadly and nodded.
"It's just hard. I know that you understand, but I can't help but feel that the only person that understands me is Derek, and he's gone." Fran placed her hands on my cheeks and looked me dead in the eyes.
"Now you listen to me, Derek might be dead but he is never gone. Do you understand me?" I nodded before bursting into tears again and slipping my arms around Momma Morgan.
And even though I cry like crazy,
And even though it hurts so bad,
I'm thankful for the time God gave me,
Even though we couldn't make it last.
I'm learning how to live how without you,
Even though I don't want to.
Even with you gone,
Love lives on.
I dropped to my knees as much as I was able too in front of Derek's headstone and set the bouquet of flowers at the base. I was slowly moving on with my life. I knew that I would never find another lover, and honestly I had no desire to. Derek was the love of my life, and I got seven very happy years with him.
I was thankful for the time we had together, and I had no desire to spend my life with anyone but my child. I had gone back to work after my seventeenth week, even though I wasn't allowed to work in the field, I still worked from the local precincts. JJ always stayed with me, and I was grateful for that.
I wasn't sure if I wanted to move on, but I knew I had too. For Derek, and for our child.
I still call your mom on Sundays
Yeah, it's good to hear her voice.
She always tells me that same story,
of her stubborn little boy.
I still have your favorite tshirt,
You know the one I used to hate?
It's funny how it's the one thing now,
I just can't throw away.
"So I called your mom last night. She is always so excited to hear from me. I guess she thought I wasn't going to let her in the baby's life, because she thanks me every Sunday for keeping her in the loop." I smiled slightly and lowered my self on to the ground and crossed my legs. "I hope our baby isn't as crazy as you were as a child. Your mother finds some pretty interesting stories to keep me entertained. Like the time you climbed the tree in your backyard and broke your ankle, or the time that you chased the neighbors cat out of your yard with a stick and almost got hit by a sedan?" I rubbed my stomach tenderly as I spoke, trying to calm my baby who was turning flips inside of me.
"It's been like three weeks since I went back to work, and I think that I have been home all of three nights. The psychos are as bad as ever." I sighed and glanced up at the sky. "I've been trying to think of names… But I'm drawing a blank. I know if it's a boy I want to name him after you and Hotch, because he's been such a big help. I just don't know about a girl. How am I even going to take care of a girl? I have no experience with females what so ever."
I pulled my self up using the headstone for balance. "Well, I'm going to go now. Happy birthday, baby. I love you." I straightened the t shirt of Derek's that I was wearing before I walked away. It was funny, but I had hated this over sized old t shirt, but it was one of the few things I couldn't pack away, and it hugged my baby bump protectively, I could almost imagine Derek's hands caressing our baby through the thin cotton.
She comes with me on your birthday,
Little flowers in her hand.
She's always known that something's missing,
But she's too young to understand.
Someday she's going to ask me,
What kind of man you were,
And I'll tell her all the ways I loved you,
And all the you I see in her.
My four year old daughter walked slowly beside me, clutching a bouquet of white daisy's in her hand. She was nothing like her usual hyper active self, because even she knew that today was a sad day.
As we approached the headstone before us, I realized that it was the first time in five years that I had been back on this day. I guess once I had Melissa I was waiting until she was old enough to understand how special today was to us.
She was bright, she definitely had my brains. But she didn't look a thing like me. She was the spitting image of her father. Her mannerisms, attitude, posture, facial features, and even the way she spoke screamed of Derek. She looked just like a little mini (female) version of him, from the curly black hair, all the way to the little toe on her left foot that pointed toward her big toe.
I had to admit, that Melissa Francis Jennifer Morgan was all Derek. Every bit of her. I knew she could tell that something was missing in our household, and it had been almost four years since I had moved out of Derek and mine's old home.
"We're here sweetie." She let go of my hand and sat down in front of Derek's headstone, much the same way I had the last time I was here on his birthday, before setting the flowers down and folding her little hands together.
"Daddy said today was you birfday, and that I should come and bwing you flowars. He said you was my papa, and that you left because you had to." Melissa sighed and placed her little chin in her hands. "I gots a pictur of you, I keeps it on my bed table, and Daddy sayed it was so you could see me evr'y night bafor I went to sleep." Melissa sighed again and stood up. "Happy birfday Papa, I lovf you, and I miss you."
JJ smiled at me, and stepped forward to pick Melissa up and carry her back to the car, giving me my time alone.
"She's growing up so fast, I'm almost afraid to blink." I did blink then though, at a loss for something else to say. "She looks just like you, and your mother claims she gets smarter and smarter everyday." I took a deep breath and glanced back at my daughter and her pseudo mother.
"JJ has done an awesome job with Melissa, Melissa calls her Mommy. I hope that's okay with you, because I couldn't do it on my own. She knows you're her father, and I think that's all that matters. She's just too young to understand everything just yet, someday I'll tell her our story though. Your mom moved here from Chicago so she could take Melissa when we had to go away on a case, and I know she tells her about you all the time. Desiree and Sarah take her once a month and take her on day trips. They've been doing that since she was thirteen weeks old. She loves them so much."
"It's hard Derek. It's really, really, hard taking care of her. But someday she'll know everything about you. It won't be hard because for her it will be like looking in a mirror, I'm sure. She's just like you! She got lucky, you can't see me in her at all!" I laughed.
"She misses you, hell we all do. I think this might be the last time I stop by for a while. I'm letting go. I'm not moving on to anyone else, I just wanted to make that clear, but holding onto your ghost is not healthy for Melissa. I'm not sure I COULD be with anyone else, and that will never change." I climbed to my feet and pressed my lips to the cold granite. "I love you Derek. When she asks me what kind of man you were, I will be so proud to tell her. Goodbye Derek."
And even though I cry like crazy,
And even though it hurts so bad,
I'm thankful for the time god gave me,
And she's the perfect way to make it last.
I'm learning how to live without you,
Even though I don't want to,
Because even with you gone,
Love lives on.
Up in heaven, Derek Morgan smiled down on his "Sister," husband, and daughter. He wished desperately that he could scoop her up and kiss her. As he thought this, Melissa Morgan turned her head back toward his grave and then looked upward, blowing a kiss in his direction. He would always be there for them, and as much as Spencer protested it, he watched the way that thin arm wrapped around JJ's waist as Melissa ran ahead for the car.
"Be happy my love, I'm not going to be mad if you move on. I'll be here waiting for you when you get here." Derek whispered as it started pouring. Spencer and JJ started running, and he laughed as Spencer scooped Melissa up mid run, their little girl was giggling and Spencer was clutching JJ's hand tightly as he pulled her to the car. "Make JJ happy Pretty Boy, you both deserve it."
He knew that Spencer understood the sudden rain as his blessing when he stopped by the drivers side door and whispered "I love you too," before climbing in.