A/N: Hey y'all! So, it's been a really long time since I did any spoofing, and I kind of miss it. I know I never put up the end of the Twilight spoof—I have it lying around somewhere, but I have to find it. Haha. Anyway, this is my New Moon Spoof. I'd really appreciate feedback from you guys because I'm writing this one by myself. I don't speak to the girl who wrote the first one with me—long story, but she ended up being a total bitch. If you have any suggestions or just want to help me out or even write a scene with me, I'd love it! I'm hoping that in this spoof I'll actually get to make fun of some other things as well as Twilight and its horrible, undeveloped, pedophile characters. Let me know what you think of this! If you like it, I'll keep writing!

xo,
Natalie

x

Prologue:

Bella: I'd like to open this shitshow by showing you all how deep I am. "These violent delights have violent ends and in their triumph die like fire and powder which, as they kiss, consume.

Scene 1 (Dream Sequence):

Bella stands in meadow, mildly confused, thinking she sees her grandmother. Edward emerges from the shadows and comes to stand next to her, being all hot and sparkly. Bella and Gran smile. Bella is confused and shoots her grandmother a funny look. Her grandmother shoots the same look back. Bella comes to realize she's looking in the mirror and Edward pats her shoulder and pulls out his ipod & speakers and puts on the song "Dinosaur" by Ke$ha.

Bella: What the hell?
Edward: Happy Birthday, Bella.

Bella starts crying & wakes up in fright.

Scene 2 (School Halls):

Bella walks into school wearing a dress reminiscent of Alice in Wonderland.

Alice: Happy Birthday, Bella!
Bella presses a finger to Alice's lips and shakes her head.
Bella: Un-Birthday, Alice. It's my un-birthday.
Alice rolls her eyes and sighs.
Alice: Did you like the beer goggles from Charlie and the box of condoms from your mom?
Bella: Yea, they're great, IF ONLY I HAD SOMEONE TO USE SAID CONTRACEPTIVES WITH.
Edward: What does this bitch want now?
Bella: Excuse me?
Edward: I love you.
Bella: Just checking.
Alice: Bella, you're coming over later for your birthday party. Don't complain, either, Mrs. Whiny-Do-Nothing.
Bella: NOBODY LOVES MEEEE. ):
Edward: Do you ever wonder why that is?
Bella: What?
Edward: I'm just saying. Maybe if you weren't such a needy bitch, fewer people would hate you.
Bella: But… Everyone loves me. TELL ME YOU LOVE ME.
Edward: … I love you.
Alice: So I'll see you guys later.
Edward: You know, an impish know-it-all is almost as bad as a whiny-do-nothing.
Alice: And a guy with no testicles is worse than both. (:

Scene 3 (English):

Mr. Berty: (spoken with an obvious gay voice and the usual accompanying hand motions.) We'll be watching more of the literary classic: Gossip Girl. In today's episode, Blair fights to stay on top of the social chain when her old best friend Serena Van Der Woodsen returns from her mysterious boarding school in Europe. Serena is inadvertently stealing Blair's man and girlfriend is pissed! Reowr!

Scene 3.1 (snippet of what's going on on screen)

Montage of footage cut and pasted together to show how two-faced the girls are and how stupid this show is.
Blair: (to Serena) I'm so glad that you're back!
Blair: (to other friend) She's such a fucking whore, why is she back?
Serena: (to Blair) I'm not sleeping with Nate!
Shot of Serena and Nate waking up in bed together.
Chuck: (to everyone) I'm not gay! He tosses the ties of his neck scarf and beckons to his stupid pet monkey.
Shot of Nate smoking weed and ignoring everyone around him.

Scene 3.2 (English continued)

Bella: (watching Nate light up) Yo, he's got the right idea. Gotta get me some of that.
Edward: Did you already smoke up your whole stash?
Bella: Yea, I finished it this morning.
Edward: That explains what you're wearing.
Bella's Alice in Wonderland-esque dress is gone and is replaced by a polkadot shirt and a plaid sweater and a striped skirt.
Bella: (horrible, whiny voice) You don't think I look pretty? (eyes welling with tears)
Edward: You're… beautiful?
Bella: Sweet.
Mr. Berty: (still gay) Mr. Cullen, if you aren't going to pay attention, you're going to have to stay after class. (he winks.)
Edward: I'm paying attention!
Mr. Berty: What's happening, then?
Edward: The girls are all bitches and dumb whores, Chuck is gay and Nate is high.
Mr. Berty: Damn. I'll get you one of these days, Cullen. With hair like that, you can't be hetero.
Bella: Right?