CHAPTER 1 (Gone.)

I had been planning to go to the beach with my friends from school for months and the day had finally arrived, we were really psyched about going to the beach, a day in the sun was long overdue. Rising early I started packing my bikini and spare clothes, I knew I had ages yet before Sasha picked me up in her car, she had insisted that we take her car among the group of friends as it was new and she hadn't had the chance to drive it anywhere yet, but I had nothing better to do.

But when I saw Joseph my dad walking down the hall, well ok it was more like a miserable shuffle, almost lifeless but I recognized that lifeless shuffling at once, knowing immediately upon seeing his expression what he was thinking of. How could I have forgotten the day? This was dads usual behavior on this day, though I felt extremely sorry for him and could sympathise, I also thought he went overboard with the whole theatrics of it, it had after all been three years. But I guess I never really understood the pain it caused him when my irrational hair-brained mother had walked out on us on this day three years earlier.

All she had left was a little note saying that she couldn't take it anymore she had to get away and that she was sorry, and also that she loved us dearly but I highly doubted that, she had left her own daughter without a mother.

I always wished mum would come home; I liked to think that when I woke up on this day I would hear the familiar noise of mum singing in the kitchen as she made breakfast for us every morning. I had always secretly hoped that the clock would turn back to the day that mum had left, change something in the past so mum had never left, everything would be like it always had been, but life never worked that way. I think dad wished the same thing, which would explain the reason behind dad's lifeless, depressed demeanour on this day.

I liked to think that the clock had turned back to this date three years ago the exact date I had been told that mum had left, but instead of waking up to a missing mother, I would hear mums singing drifting down the hall, she had such a bright outlook on life.

Who needs mothers when they do something like that to you, leave you feeling like half of you is missing, the one person who should know you better then anyone else.

It had been three years since my mother had left, with out even a good bye or an explanation as to why she was leaving my father and I, deserted and alone.

Every thought I had of her was now tainted with the anger that I felt for her running away on me.

Even though I had hated that she had left me and I wanted to blame her, I had always thought in the back of my mind that it was my fault that she had left us. I couldn't't explain it but I was convinced that it was something that I had done that had caused my mother to leave; I felt like half of me had been ripped away.

My father and I had stayed in same house, a three bedroom typical house in the heart of Wainuiomata, I used to love this house, every room every cubby hole was like an adventure, and I would go on endless journeys in this house. But now that I was older, and many things had happened, since then, this place now held so many memories of my mother that I couldn't cope with, though I stayed in the house never letting the bad memories getting to me, dad could never stay in the house long we were always out and about, always onto the next adventure.

Dad had tried so had to be a good parent and act like nothing had changed, in truth he was more than I could have wished for, in a parent, he was so caring, and loving always there if I ever needed him, Always trying to be the father and the mother in the family. But there were those times when I just wished that my mother was here, someone who actually understood the workings of a female mind, a person to comfort you, a person who could always say the right thing, when you needed the shoulder to cry on. When ever I tried to talk to dad about stuff of a sensitive nature, he would always jump to the conclusions that it was about boys and start ranting on about if they ever hurt me, it was never to do with boy problems because in truth I had never really dated any one because I was always scared that I would turn out like mum, someone so different from what I thought she really was, a different person from the one you had fallen in love with, not that any guys asked me out I was the girl, they had all seen grow up and never taken any interest in me. But I guess that's why I loved dad so much, because I knew that if I was ever in trouble, I always had someone there to take my side, help me through the ups and downs.

I had decided to bottle up my concerns from then on because I could still see the pain in dads eyes, when ever the subject of our conversation ended up about boys, mum had left him broken, and frightened of what I would become, or maybe he just couldn't bare the thought of me growing up.

I dearly wanted to ask him why she had left in such a hurry but I couldn't pluck up the courage to ask either knowing that if I did ask dad probably wouldn't answer anyway or if he did tell me I was almost certain that I wouldn't really want to hear what he had to say, so I settled for asking questions about what she was like.

Dad had never been angry that I wanted to know about mum, asking numerous questions, I never understood the look on dads face whenever I asked about mum I was too young to understand the pain in his eyes.

As I got older and wiser to the fact that the mum subject was the last thing dad wanted me to talk about, I decided to make myself a promise to never mention her again, put her out of my mind. Because she was no mother to me after what she had done.

But at nights I would dream of mum before she left and all the extraordinary things she used to do, she was the most amazing person to me so care free and wild. So much fun was to be had while she was around, adventure after adventure, so free spirited, but it turns out she was just a little to free spirited, she couldn't even be held down by her own child.

But at nights I would dream of mum, and all the fun things we used to do together as a family, like go to the beach, on a really sunny day mum used to pack a big picnic basket full of food and we would make our way to the beach at Petone for a soak in the sun, making sand castles and swimming in the ocean, not a care in the world, I remember being so happy.

This memory was so vivid; I could picture perfectly what mum would wear at the beach.

She would always wear bright lipstick red; cotton drawstring three quarter pants, with this white V-neck with a red flower painted on the front it was a tulip. This memory was always tainted by my subconscious picturing my mother running with all her clothes in her hands, sprinting at full speed down the hallway towards the unknown. No matter how many times I dreamt this it always scared me to see my mother running away from her family. It always maddened me that I could even picture this.

Like every other night I woke up with sweet dewing up on my forehead from the dream, I knew that if I went back to sleep the dream would come back, so I decided to get up, walking silently down the hall towards the lounge I decided to watch the rest of the movie that I had taped on channel two last week, I immediately fell asleep to the soothing music in the background of the movie, I was running after this dark figure in a large expanse of trees, I couldn't figure out why I was running after this dark and mysterious person, but I was intent upon finding out what he was doing here, when suddenly the picture changed to blackness, steering into complete nothingness, disappointment rising to my mind and through my body. Seeming like only seconds since I had fallen asleep, I was jerked awake. Peering through my blurred vision I noticed dad leaning over me.

"I just wanted to make sure your alright, what are you doing on the couch?" Worry clearly visible in his voice.

"I'm fine I just couldn't sleep bad dream." My voice was barely audible with my weakly devised excuse.

"Okay Hun if you're sure, well I better go I have to get to work, ill see you later, ill bring dinner home." Giving me he a speculative look he let my answer slid.

"Okay I'll see you tonight"

Since I was awake, I decided to get up; I was in desperate need of a shower.