TITLE: All by myself.
AUTHOR: Too_beauty.
PAIRING: Hephaestion and Alexander.
RATING: PG
CATEGORY: Historical AU.
DISCLAMER: I don't know the people involved, they belong to History and to themselves but I wouldn't mind sharing my life with him. *sighs*
WARNING: None, just some angst.
NO BETA so all mistakes are mine. I know I swore not to write again without a beta but couldn't stop my heart.
FEEDBACK: comments are love!
AUTHOR'S NOTE: The words in block capital letters belong to the lyrics of "Fall to pieces" by Velvet Revolver. This is a sequel to "King of myself" and the last of the Myself series.
Five years later.
"Read me that letter again please, Stephanos" asked Alexander to the former Chiliarch page.
"Yes, Sire. To Alexander,
We have heard about your many victories and we are delighted and honored to say that we are part of your vast Empire.
As regards our friend, he is still living on a farm, which is famous for his horses and healing herbs. I saw him some months ago and he was with good health; he was holding a baby in his arms and talking to a woman. He didn't see me but in a moment, he looked towards where I was hiding in the bushes; I suppose he hadn't lost his remarkable skills of soldier and scout. I sent one of my servants to buy some fruits and he chatted with one of the kitchen maids, who had a loose tongue, and he knew that he was a good master, always worried about their health and needs. She also told him that he was always working hard on the fields, but that his afternoons were devoted to his scrolls and his two small boys.
I hope you are getting better, my friend.
Theo"
"It seems as if he had moved forward, Stephanos; I knew he would get what I could never give him" said Alexander, turning his head to the soft warmth of the evening sun. He frowned. "Is the sun still up?"
"Yes, Sire, but not for long, some stars are showing in the sky now, which is going to be pitch-black today."
"I see" said Alexander and laughed "metaphorically speaking" he added.
"Things will get better, Sire, you'll get over it."
"I don't think so; it has been six months and I haven't noticed the slightest recovery."
"Give it time, you were badly hurt."
"I know Stephanos, I know very well but I also think that darkness will be my loyal partner from now on."
"Sire, don't do that, don't feel pity for yourself; you are not like that."
"I don't know what I am anymore. I need to rest Stephanos, I feel tired" Alexander said with tiredness.
"I'll come back with the dinner."
"Don't worry, I am not hungry."
"You should eat Sire; you must recover your strength."
"No, my strength went away five years ago with him, what still keeps me moving is the feeling of guilt"
"Don't be so hard, he wouldn't like to see you like this" Stephanos warned.
"Of course, he wouldn't, and he was right when he told me I was not a god; I am just a poor, broken and weak mortal. Go Stephanos, I will call you if there's something I need."
Alexander laid on his back on the big bed, then curled into a tight ball and whispered between clenched lips "Good night Phai"
It was early spring, nature was blooming slowly and a brunette man was looking at his herbs, removing the weeds and searching for dangerous bugs. He saw a person walking down the road and heading towards him.
"Joy to you, Sire, is this Amyntoros' farm?"
"Yes, who is asking?"
"My name is Helena and I am looking for some healing herbs" the woman said.
"What for?"
"My son is looking after his master, who lost his sight after being knocked down during a battle" the woman explained.
"Herbs won't heal him, he may have pressure inside his head due to the concussion" Hephaestion said.
"He had none of that, his doctor had already checked for that but he thinks that due to his mental breakdown and stress, the nerves in his eyes had gone limp so he needs something to strengthen them."
"I can give you some but I can't assure you it will work. How long has he been like this?" Hephaestion asked.
"Eight months by now but he is strong; I have faith in him"
"You said he is a soldier, is he old?"
"No, he will be 38 this summer" Helena said.
"Pity being still young" added Hephaestion.
"Yes, especially with so many dreams still to achieve"
"Let me fetch them" Minutes later, Hephaestion came back with a bunch of herbs, carefully tied and kept into a cotton bag. "Here you are" the brunette said, handing the packet to Helena.
"How much do I owe you?"
"Nothing, I was a soldier too, take it as a gift for the warrior, and come back for more if needed."
"Thank you very much, may the gods grant you a good and long life, sire"
"Thanks, and let me know how he is doing"
"I will sire, I will"
Two months later, the farm was a paradise, the herbs were fully blossomed, many animals had been born in the last days and the women in the kitchen were busy cooking and stocking the barn.
A short blonde approached and asked for the master. Hephaestion turned round and asked with surprise:
- "Stephanos, Is that you?"
- "General Hephaestion, yes it is me, good to see you again."
- "What a surprise, what are you doing here?"
- "You told my mother that she could come back for more herbs if she needed them"
- "Helena? Was that woman your mother? The one looking for herbs for a blind soldier?"
- "Yes, she was" said Stephanos getting a bit nervous.
- "Do you have a brother, Stephanos?"
- "No, I don't, Sire. Why?"
- "So You are the one looking after your master."
- "Yes …" he said casting down his eyes.
- "Take me to him, Stephanos."
- "To whom, Sire?"
- "You know who; tell me what happened?"
Stephanos was about to start his explanation when a little blond boy interrupted:
"Father, breakfast is ready"
"That's fine, Lysander, let's go, join us and share our morning meal, Stephanos."
The page followed them, one the former Chiliarch of the Macedonian Empire, the other a small boy , not taller than Hephaestion's waist, walking slowly towards the house; they sat at the table where another blonde, this time a young woman, was already sat, holding a one-year old boy; she greeted him and continued feeding the baby.
Hephaestion served him and they ate in silence. When the breakfast was over, Hephaestion approached the woman and told her he was going to be away for a couple of days, and that she would be in charge of the farm with the help of the eldest groom. She nodded and bade them farewell.
They arrived when Helios was going down on the horizon. They rode through the open gates and greeted the soldiers posted there, who were astonished to see the former General. They rode passed the palace and Hephaestion asked where they were going and Stephanos said that Alexander was not staying in the main part of the palace but in the furthest wing, the one next to the back garden, Hephaestion's secluded spot in the building.
A groom took the horses and Helena let them enter the kitchen where she was preparing the evening meal.
"By Zeus, you are back" she said hugging her son and greeting Hephaestion with a wide smile, "Joy to you, master Amyntoros"
"Helena, is that Stephanos's voice the one I hear?" asked a very familiar voice which brought tears to the former Chiliarch's eyes.
"Yes, Sire, he's on his way to see you" answered Helena and added "Why don't you surprise Alexander?"
"I don't know, will he let me in after five years?" Hephaestion asked nervously.
"I am sure he will."
Hephaestion entered the dark room, walked to his former lover's side and said, with his baritone voice:
"You never like the darkness, Xander"
Alexander gasped and answered mumbling:
"She has … she has been my companion for nearly a year, Phai"
"That's what I heard" added Hephaestion while sitting next to him, feeling uneasy.
Alexander with his chin touching his chest, confessed his thoughts to his soul mate:
"IT'S BEEN some YEARs SINCE YOU 'VE BEEN GONE, I'VE BEEN ALONE HERE and I'VE GROWN OLD and useless, I FALL TO PIECES, everyday a bit more, I'M FALLING even though you are here, I FELL TO PIECES when you went AND I AM STILL FALLING, over and over again."
Alexander, lifting his head, turned his blind eyes to Hephaestion and added:
"EVERY TIME I AM FALLING DOWN, nobody can help me to be up again; ALL ALONE I FALL TO PIECES and I can't put the pieces of this puzzle, that is my life, together again.
I KEEP A JOURNAL OF MEMORIES, those I shared with you and when I AM FEELING LONELY and I CAN'T BREATHE, I ask someone to read to me those happy moments I spent with you; but then I realize that those memories are my past and that you are not coming back so I FALL TO PIECES again, I AM FALLING deeper every time, I FEEL TO PIECES and remained broken AND I'M STILL FALLING and I don't find the end of it.
ALL these YEARS I'VE TRIED WITH MORE TO GO but it was useless, and I was afraid and wondered "WILL THE MEMORIES DIE?" and leave me empty; "WILL I FIND YOU at the end of the way?" CAN I FIND YOU and ask you to stop because WE'RE FALLING DOWN but I'M FALLING deeper. Will you be there to stop my fall or will I go on being all by myself? " Alexander asked Hephaestion who remained silent.
After some minutes, Hephaestion sighed loudly and whispered:
" I am sorry Alexander but you are too broken and I am too late"
"So why did you come back?" asked Alexander trying to stop his sobs.
"We both needed closure, you more than me; I have someone else to go back, someone who respects and needs me. The first time I needed you to stop me but even in your noble attitude, you were selfish, so you set me free because you thought I wouldn't dare to go; now I came back to tell you that "We" doesn't longer exist"
The former silver boy, the moon to his sun, the soul mate, the other half of his life turned round and left the room, without looking back to the broken man, because it was late, because the love between them was gone, because both of them were on their own.
Finis