a/n: ***FORMATTING FIXED SORRY FOR THE AWKWARDNESS***Just a quick funny one shot inspired by a funny tumblr post!
Today was a desk day. A desk day at the BAU was as close as we got to a day off. The whole team, even Hotch, stayed in the BAU, at our desks, doing paper work. They were tedious days of organization, but they were necessary. Plus, they could be fun. That was where we got our office gossip, when we planned our parties, and most importantly, where we had our office wars.
Office wars were the best parts of these desk days. Derek Morgan, my boyfriend, was the king, of office wars. I never participated in these, but I watched from my office, with my door opened, so I could referee and keep things from getting out of hand. After all, we were FBI profilers. We had to be professional.
"Damnit Reid, keep throwing those god damned paper balls at me I swear-" Emily hissed.
"Emily. Do we have a temper today?" Derek said with a wink.
"Screw you," Emily muttered. Derek laughed.
"Are you on the rag?" Penelope, my best friend, whispered to her.
"Penelope!" She hissed.
"Are you?" Derek teased, raising his eye brows.
"You'll never find out!" Emily teased sassily, with a shrug and a wink. He sighed and Garcia chuckled. She quickly whipped around, and began gently shooting staples at Derek, Spence, and Emily. Emily rolled my eyes.
"Aw, Em, you never join in on the office wars! You should!" Garcia whined.
"Hmm. No," Emily shut her down quickly and with that turned on her heel and headed up to my office.
"Loser," Derek muttered.
"Bitch," Emily spat back. I laughed.
"Emily," Hotch called warningly from his office.
"Are you kidding me? I'm being harassed and I get the-" She began, but was cut off by Hotch.
"Go see JJ. Stop talking," He called.
"You're gonna get it," Emily threatened, pointing to Spence, Derek and Penelope, who in return, chuckled and laughed at her.
She walked into my office door and shook her head with a grin.
"So the swearing and everything…that's not all real is it?" I asked her with a wink.
"Jennifer Jareau. You have known me for 6 years. You should know by now, that obviously, none of that is true," Emily said, sitting on my desk, in the one spot where there was no papers.
"I knew it. No worries," I teased.
"Oh, okay," Emily teased back.
"So what's up?" I asked her.
"Do you…have the bottle of Febreez? The one you got after Jack begged me to bring in Sergio…and well, you know the rest," Emily's voice trailed away. I laughed, remembering how Jack was responsible for watching the cat, while we went to get some paper work, and we came back to find that Sergio had made Hotch's carpet his personal litter box.
"Yeah I do," I said with a laugh. I bent down and pulled it out from a drawer under my desk. I began to hand it to her, but then pulled away.
"What?" She exclaimed.
"Why do you want it?" I asked cautiously.
"Because your boyfriend had burritos for lunch. It smells over there. He decided to uhm, release the tension, so to speak," Emily explained. I laughed, rolling my eyes.
"Here you go. And I'll make sure to scold him for that tonight," I added with a wink. Emily laughed.
"Thank you, JJ," She said sweetly. Something was up but I couldn't tell. I watched as she walked into Rossi's office. I saw her twirling her hair and I knew she was probably batting her eyelashes- a thing she only did when she was trying to get something she wanted by conning people. Rossi must have complied, because she walked out of his office happily.
Emily sat down at her office and bent over, under her desk. It looked like she was rummaging through her bags. She stood suddenly, hands behind her back.
"Em, what are you doing?" Derek asked. I curiously walked out of my office. Hotch and Rossi even stood with me on the catwalk, to see what she would do.
"I know," She began slowly, taking a step back, "How to win an office war," She taunted, taking another step back, and another, towards the door.
"How's that?" Spencer asked.
"Pull the zip tie," She said slowly, revealing what she had behind her back. The febreez bottle, with a zip tie around the lever.
"Throw it," She said slowly, raising her arm. And before we knew it she was throwing the bottle of febreez which was spraying non stop because the zip tie was tightly around the lever and she was running, "And run!" She exclaimed. She booked it for the door, leaving us all coughing and laughing and yelling.
"EMILY!" Hotch yelled. He quickly charged down the catwalk, trying to avoid the spray, and began to make his way for the door, chasing her out.
I laughed avoiding the spray as well and walked up to Derek, and wrapped my arms around his waist. I kissed his cheek.
"I never lose," He said, too preoccupied with the fact that he had lost the office war, to return my kiss.
"You sound like Reid when he and Emily played poker," I mentioned.
"Or when you," Rossi said to JJ, "And Reid played Gin."
"Or the time we played Go," Penelope said reminiscing.
"Ok ok ok! I get it! I sound like Reid! Jesus!" Derek exclaimed.
"So?" Reid cried back.
"Either way! I lost! I never lose!" He exclaimed.
"Shut up and kiss me, Derek," I told him. He laughed and agreed. We kissed in the midst of the spray, as Hotch, and now Penelope, who had joined the chase, tailed Emily around the BAU.
This was my team. Dysfunctional and crazy. We were family.