A/N: What Erik thinks of the Gerard Butler musical adaptation. I felt it was miscast. To me, the perfect Erik would be a combination of Lon Chaney's, and Michael Crawford's Phantoms. This isn't meant to be taken seriously, so they might be OOC. Gerik bashing ahead.
Erik's Misinterpreted Story
"Order your fine horses now! Raise up your hand to the level of your eyes! Nothing can save you now..." Gerard Butler's so-called singing is interrupted by Erik.
"Stop, stop!" He appears exasperated. "What was that?" They are on the set of the movie adaptation of the famous stage show, The Phantom of the Opera. They are rehearsing the Final Lair scene.
"What did I do now?" Gerard wondered, aloud, breaking character.
"You call that singing? You're growling. This is not a Slip Knot concert. And what's with the billowy shirt?" As Erik is instructing Gerik, Joel Schumacher, the director of the film, steps in.
"We want to show off his incredibly tan pecs," he explained.
"But, I've been living under an opera house. How the devil would I have a gorgeous tan?" Erik asks. He pulls out Gerard's tiny white mask, and the even tinier black domino mask. He throws them at the director in anger. "And these are not masks to cover a hideous deformity, they are accessories. That is the most pathetic excuse for a deformity I have ever seen. This is a real deformity!" He pulls his own mask off, and everyone looks away in disgust, Emmy Rossum shrieks.
"Ewww, you are totally not attractive like Gerry!" She says. "What kind of Phantom are you?"
"We want to attract a younger audience," the director continues, after Erik puts his mask back on. "The plan is to attract teenage girls; they'll swoon over the Phantom's sexiness." Erik slaps his hand over his masked face.
"That is not what the story is supposed to be about. I am not sexy. You will confuse the audience who know nothing about the book, or stage show, and you'll disappoint the long term fans! This movie is ruining both! It's an over sexualized version of the musical, with a Phantom who can't sing, a Pop-star Christine, and a Raoul with ridiculous hair, but at least his singing is decent, unlike our other two leads!" Emmy looks insulted. The real Phantom continues. "I understand there is sexual tension in the musical, but this is overdone You sir, have miscast my lovely Christine, and me."
"Hey, I can totally sing." Emmy self confirmed, her hands on her hips.
"You can barely hit high-notes, and your cadenza in the title song was completely flat, with no vibrato," Erik informed the wannabe Christine. "Your pop singing is not how my Christine would sing. I should know, I have taught her myself. Really if you had sung like that in my time, you would have been booed off stage. It is unrealistic. Your voice is weak compared to the many other stage Christines; this role is clearly out of your reach. But at least you had training, unlike some people." He refered to the attractive Phantom. Emmy angrily storms off set.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Gerard finally spoke up.
"Why were you cast as me? You had no musical training what-so-ever. I was able to convince Christine, that I was the Angel of Music. You are no angel, you sound like a dying mule!" Erik answered.
"They made me go through four lessons. I have all the experience I need, and I'm sexah!." He flexed his muscles.
"Growling is not singing! And this film should not be in the hands of the director of Batman and Robin!"(bat nipples, need I say more?) Erik was growing very angry, his fists were clenched. He was about to punjab someone, though he wasn't sure who. Joel Schumacher for ruining his story, or Andrew Lloyd Webber for allowing it to happen. Gaston Leroux would surely be rolling over in his grave. Really the only people who portrayed Erik they way he was meant to be were Lon Chaney, and Michael Crawford. There are other good ones here, and there, but Gerard Butler is one of the worst actors to portray me, Erik thought. Who would look at him and think, horribly deformed mad man? He then thought about his visit to the set of Dario Argento's Phantom movie, and he shuddered. What a traumatizing experience that was! He wasn't sure which one of these movies was worse!
"Look," the director stepped in again. "The audience wants a younger, sexier Phantom, and this whole 'real music' thing doesn't sell. Why would anyone want to see your stick figure, when they can look at Gerard's muscles? A Pop singing Christine, and a growling, over sexualized Phantom are the directions we're taking, like it or not."
...
It was the premiere of the movie. Everyone was there, including Erik, and Christine. They were making their way into the movie theater.
"Well, my dear, they've made another film about us," Erik told his love. "This one is based on the musical."
"Oh, I loved the musical, Erik," Christine replied to her stalker.
"Yes, so did I, but this will be a disaster. It is everything we are not. You are played by a sixteen year old pop singer." Christine looked about her.
"Where's Raoul?" She asked.
"I haven't the slightest idea," Erik said, innocently, smirking beneath his mask. They made it inside, and noticed people surrounding the pop-corn machine.
"Some dude's trapped in there," someone shouted.
"Raoul!" Christine cried, and fled to the machine, behind the counter. The vicomte was indeed, trapped inside, pounding on the walls with his fists. Erik let out maniacal laughter, and made a dash into the theater.
After they had gotten Raoul out of the machine, everyone was seated. They awaited the movie. Fans of the musical seemed very excited. Some boys who were dragged there by their girlfriends groaned, wondering if this was an opera(which it's not) Erik, Christine, and Raoul, who now smelled like pop-corn; sat in the front row, along with the cast. Raoul glared at Erik in contempt. Erik was trying to hide his glee. He had an evil plan. Everyone would be disappointed, maybe even horrified.
The film was projected onto the giant screen, but it was not the Gerard Butler film. Everyone screamed in terror, as the Dario Argento version played before their eyes. The images would be burned into their memories forever. Christine averted her eyes. Raoul scratched his head in confusion, wondering why he was being played by Prince. Erik let out an evil laugh. He stood on his seat, throwing his arms in the air.
"Now no one shall ever make another awful movie of my story ever again!" He yelled. Joel Schumacher stood up.
"You monster! What have you done with my film?"
"I have burned it!" Erik answered in twisted happiness. "Now no man will ever view that rubbish!"
"You do know that wasn't the only copy?"
"What?" Erik's arms fell. The director announced to the audience.
"Attention everyone! The premier of Andrew Lloyd Webber's The Phantom of the Opera will be scheduled for a later date." The audience clears out. Erik slumped back in his seat, very disheartened. Christine put a comforting hand on his shoulder.
"Don't worry, Erik," she said in a calm voice. "The real fans will know. and the Gerik fangirls will move on to something else when they get bored."
"All I ever wanted was a decent adaptation of our story," Erik vented. "Even the Chaney version, as good as it was, failed to keep the ending; and now this. They can't even make an adaptation of an adaptation without destroying it!" He sighed in irritation.
"If you'd like, I'll read you some FanFictions where we end up a happy couple," Christine offered. Raoul gave her an annoyed look. "That always makes you feel better."
"Alright my dear, let's go. Make me forget this nightmare." They linked arms and walked out. Raoul chased after them.
"Christine, my love!" He called to her. "Please do NOT show him the steamy ones!"
A/N: So waddaya think. This is just meant for giggles, don't hate me for bashing the movie musical. I know everyone bashes Gerry's deformity, but am I the only one who hates the mask? In the stage show it's a half-mask, but it's understandable why they did it. In the movie it's a freakin' quarter mask! It really just looks like an accessory. Throughout the entire movie, I kept thinking, 'what could he possibly be hiding under it?" So yeah. That's what I think of the 2004 movie, and other adaptations; and I think Erik would feel the same.