What Happens in 4th Year, Stays in 4th Year

Harry shook his head. "It was a particularly strange year at Hogwarts. No one exactly knows what happened at any particular time, and many of us remember the same event completely differently. Every time I've tried to discuss it, I've caused arguments, rambling terror rants, or blank stares. I've learned through experience that it's best for everyone involved if we don't talk about it."

"But now you've made me curious," said Hermione. "What happened in 4th year?"

Harry gave this a thought, then shuddered. "Maybe it's better I don't. It took me a long time to block these things out."

Harry woke up to a strange feeling. It was going to be one of those days, he could already tell. He sat up, and examined the note hanging off his bed.

As a reward for completing the last quest, you unlocked the bonus round! You are stuck in a ROMANCE. Congratulations!

Harry groaned. He did not want to spend his Sunday morning on a dating game, he had work to do. Still, he had long since learned to stop fighting the insanity of this year. "Who are my romance options?"

The note morphed into a list, each name including a moving picture. Hermione, Luna, Neville, Blaise…eww.

Harry blinked in shock. "Professor Quirrell?"

"You can call me Tom," the moving picture said with a wink.

Harry gaped at this blatant sacrilege.

"Come now, boy, don't be bashful," said Professor Quirrell. "What happens in 4th year stays in 4th year. Now, if you'll just come down to the Dungeons, I'll show you the true Secret of Slytherin—"

Harry tossed the paper on the ground.

"Oohhhkay, I'm going back to bed."

He crawled into bed, turned his quieter all the way up, and tried to sleep.

"Ehh heh heh heh."

Harry shut his eyes really tight.

"Haaarryyyy."

"Go away!"

"Come now, boy," said a chorus of voices from the paper. "This is all your fault, really. Join usss..."

Harry threw the covers off the bed. "Incendio!" he cried to the paper trying to crawl onto his bed.

It rematerialized in an instant.

"I'm not going! I won't be part of any more of these stupid, chaotic quests! I've had it!"

Ten minutes later, after the Eldrich horrors had left Harry's room, he stormed out with his wand in hand.

"Fine!" cried Harry. "I'll go down to the dungeons and I'll beat you at your own game, you stupid quest, stupid—"

Later, in the Dungeons...

"See, I told you Harry," said Professor Quirrell, moving his piece in Wizard Chess. "This was such a fun diversion."

"Err..." said Harry, moving his piece. "Yeah, that message was really misleading. Also, why are you purple?"

"I'm glad you asked," said Quirrell. "I'm actually currently on a quest to gather all the infinity stones, so I took the form of a god so that I might wield them."

"Infinity stones?" asked Harry. "What do they do?"

"Well, there are six, and each of them have unique properties. There's a stone of time, space, power, soul, etc. Once I've combined all of them into this gauntlet," he said, raising his fist. "I can use them to take over the universe and reorder the rules as I see fit."

"Oh really?" said Harry, intrigued. "That sounds great, Professor Quirrell. We could rule together, make some changes around here. I was thinking we could do away with this death business, give everyone eternal life, make some pocket worlds for everyone to live in—"

"Do away with Death?" said Quirrell. "Nonsense! I plan on taking her as my wife and offering her half the lives in the universe as tribute. It's the only way to win her heart, and there's too many filthy living creatures anyway."

Harry opened his mouth, closed it.

"How can you—infinite possibilities—all of time and space—and you choose to marry Death?"

"Exactly," said Quirrell. "I would do anything for love."

"This is wrong," said Harry, head in his hands. "This is so wrong. Wake up, please."

Quirrell glared at Harry. "This is your fault, boy. If you'd just come when you were called, we could have done a simple Tom/Harry romance. But now, you're dealing with Thanos. Do you think I wanted this, boy? Do you?"

Harry shook his head, wishing 4th year would be over already.

"Well, I'm off to go destroy half the universe," said Quirrell, standing. "I hope you're happy."

With a dramatic flair, Harry stood up. "Then I shall become the Master of Death," he declared. "And marry her first and I'll stop you."

Quirrell smirked, raising his gauntlet, a red stone flashing. "How can you do that if you look like a furby?"

Harry glanced down at his furry body...and squealed, backpedaling away from the gauntlet. "Bright light!"

Without ceremony, Quirrell picked him up and threw him in a pool.

Harry felt himself multiplying as the real nightmare began.

Harry woke up the next morning with a start, breathing heavily.

Thank Merlin that's over!

He saw another note above his bed. Harry groaned. He wanted to roll over, forget about the whole thing...but he knew now that was a Very Bad Idea.

As Harry reached for the dreaded parchment, one of his dorm mates tackled him.

"Tag, you're it!" he cried, running away.

Harry sighed heavily, and put on his trainers. Today was going to be a long day.

Notes:

This is a random spin off from another fan fiction I'm writing. I'll update with more as one-shots as the ideas come to me. If you read one and have no idea what's going on, because the fandom is unfamiliar, then you can just skip to the next one. The chapters will be self contained. Hope you enjoy!